Summer has arrived. At least summer has arrived by the academic calendar, which has dictated the cycles of my life since I was six. Soon the heat in East Texas will become so unbearable that small children will chase after the ice cream truck, buy a Creamsicle©, and then spontaneously combust. Have I ever mentioned that I hate hot weather? Yeah, I know -- I grew up in the desert. I should be used to the heat. Whatever. I hate being hot.
Now, I don’t mean “hate” the way some people toss that word around. You know what I mean. People say “hate” when they really mean “don’t care for it.” Do you hate peas? Or would you simply prefer not to eat them? Really hating something means a burning emotion that comes straight from the blood-red-rage of your soul for all eternity. Yeah, I hate heat like that. If I could murder hot weather in cold blood, I would already be calling a lawyer by now.
Anyway, that aside, I need to set my to do list for the coming months. Here are my goals for this summer:
Finish my current research project.
Sweat.
Teach Summer School, Session I.
Try to repair my horrific credit record (thus the reason for teaching Summer School, Session I).
Finish sewing that Wonder Woman costume. Though I might just settle for some extra, extra, extra large NRFP Underoos off of E-Bay.
Build a bonfire out all of the things that liar ex (who told many lies) gave me in the past eight years. Then dance around the fire naked until they lose all of their evil magic powers.
Watch the new Superman movie.
Figure out ways to recover from my disappointment over the new Superman movie.
Locate and rent an apartment in Boston.
Aspire to add 20 lbs to my bench press, but probably settle for adding 10 lbs.
Travel to Albuquerque to visit family and friends.
Drink Tequila and/or Tequila based cocktails (I already have a head start on this one).
Go to the only gay club in this small Texas town at least one more time.
Figure out a reason to be interviewed by dreamy Anderson Cooper.
Mourn the end of FDR’s New Deal -- again.
Attend a wedding of a mutual friend of mine and the liar ex (who told many lies). Contemplate how I will maintain my decorum and not stab my liar ex in the eye with a dessert fork.
Celebrate George W. Bush’s shameful resignation (Hey – I can hope).
Make a list of all the things that I will miss about Texas while I am gone this coming year. That should fit on a post-it note.
Travel to Chicago for work.
Try to keep up the façade that I know (or care) what the hell people are talking about when they discuss the DaVinci Code.
Contemplate if somebody could bounce a quarter off of Condoleezza Rice’s hair.
Take photos of the friends in Texas that I want to remember.
Shred photos of people I hope never to see again.
Find new friends in Boston.
Wax my car.
Finally decide in my own mind if I think Carlos Mencia is funny or offensive.
Be the first kid on my block to own the Wonder Woman comic relaunch (written by a gay man, don’t you know?).
Figure out how to work all the functions on my cell phone.
Start a riot.
Locate and recover Jimmy Hoffa’s body.
Make lemonade.
Move to Boston.
Man, that’s a lot of work for me this summer. I better get started on that tomorrow. Well, maybe not tomorrow. Tomorrow I want to learn how to make a Denver Omelet. The day after that, though, I am on it.
Okay by far my favorites are the sewing of the costume and getting over the disappointment from Superman. And I've heard tequila isn't just for summer anymore.
ReplyDeleteI love that image on the Wonder Woman costume package. Is Wonder Woman fantasizing about her own costume?
ReplyDeleteChad:: Wouldn’t you fantasize about your own costume if it was as fabulous as Wonder Woman’s?
ReplyDeleteNow that you've posted this list, I think I want to see photos of these actions being performed.
ReplyDeleteEspecially that bonfire thing.
(Okay, only the bonfire thing...)
That sounds like a great summer. Except for the teaching part! I am so over my classes....only 5 more weeks and then FREEDOM!
ReplyDeleteSeriously though, I'm stealing this.
Maybe you can come up with a way to combine the lemonade and tequila. The best and tastiest way. While sweating. By the bonfire, naked.
ReplyDeleteLooking forward to welcoming you to Boston... Some apartment hunting tips:
ReplyDelete1. Do it before Aug./Sept. and avoid the students.
2. Do not rent in Brookline/Brighton/Allston - it is crawling with drunken BU/BC students.
3. Cambridge is too expensive and stuffy.
4. The South End is the white gay neighborhood. It is being overrun by yuppies and rich Euro college students.
5. Jamaica Plain and Dorchester are the growing gay neighborhoods. (I live in JP).
6. Don't bring a car.
When does that comic debut? It looks like one that I could read, she's very appealing to me. I too am dreading and anticipating the Superman movie.
ReplyDeleteI hate the heat too, but if it involved being able to watch children explode, that might make it more bearable. Oh, and if you need a primer for the Davinci Code I think it is just: Catholics are secretive (and non american therefore evil).
ReplyDeleteHow exactly are you going to your ex's wedding? Did you both lie to each other and tell each other you'd remain friends or something?
What is your research project? Isn't it watching gay porn. You really haven't finished it? You've been too busy to watch porn?
Let me know when you're visiting Chicago. I'll drive down.
ReplyDeleteDorian: I would like to oblige, but I lack a digital camera. I could invite you along to the burning, but that would require you to be naked as well.
ReplyDeleteTornWordo: Steal away. Most of my blog is plagiarized from other people anyway.
Alan: How do you know I am not the lead investigator in Detroit right now?
Earl: There is a way to make lemonade without tequila? Huh.
Jason: Thanks for the tips. That will help a great deal. I am probably going to look for an apartment in July. Will that be too late?
Adam: The mighty Amazon returns to shelves in June (allegedly). You can find a story about the new author here.
Elizabeth: Oh Dear God, No! It’s not the ex’s wedding (and we are not friends). Rather it is a friend of mine who also is a friend of his who is getting married.
Sadly, the gay porn project is not my current research project. I just like conducting research for the gay porn project.
Marlan: You’ve got it, but some contact info might make it easier.
Dearest Crystal,
ReplyDeleteLists, lists, lists! If I had a penny for every list I've ever written, I would probably have enough for a double filet-o-fish (just the sandwich, not the meal). Speaking of which, I should write my own list, if I wasn't running around so much right now, cause Goddess knows I need it. Bleh. The only good thing about summer session courses: they're gone in the blink of an eye, and feel like a mild hangover, as opposed to the schmirtz of a semester-long floor show of "The Rockettes in Hell: A Love Story."
To quote our sister RuPaul, "I have one thing to say: You better WORK, bitch!" Looking good is the BEST revenge, so make sure you look hot for that wedding. Pick the outfit out now, sweetie, NOW! and make sure you're stocked up on the appropriate make-up. Beforehand, shave, lotion, shave, lotion.
Find a man (any man, hell, go grab one off a construction site, or out of an office cubicle, or from the top of a speaker, or in a florist shop, or under the stall of an interstate rest stop, or wherever hot men hang out nowadays) who is SLAMMIN' (Tits Tits Tits, a sock in the pants, and an ass you could flip sister Sacajawea dollar coins off of), and prance, PRANCE, I say! Rub that lyin' ho's face in it: You'll never taste this sweet mango again, baby, and honey, look, it is so juicy, my date needs a bib cause it is so delish (Or to put it another way, "¡Se Acabo!")! And to judge from the lascivious comments here, there are many sisters who would love to taste that sweet mango, Brokeback style, smoked LOL. You know if we weren't soul sisters, I would want you too :-)
Oh, and don't forget to key the prick's car on your way out :-P Nail polish also does wonders for a car's finish, btw. Just a helpful hint from Heloise.
I mean, let's be real, looking good only goes so far.
Air kisses, Mrs. Stephen Haines
All those sound like good planning points. The only one that sticks out is Hoffa. Lemonaide, Cooper, Quarters, all seem like things anyone might think about before moving. But Hoffa just seems random. More random than the riot. Heck, sometimes, *I* want to start a riot. Sometimes, I want to learn how to build a lightsaber and then I'll show people what's what.
ReplyDeleteBut Hoffa? Do you think about finding Hoffa's body alot?
Anyway, seems like Jason's points about getting a place in Boston are right, including the neighborhood stuff. I don't know shite about renting times - haven't had to think about it for so long.
As for the wedding, they might have to give you plasticware.
i echo all of jason's boston points. i lived in allston/brighton for two years during grad school, and i will never do it again. ever. i don't care if they're the cheapest rents in the city - there's a reason for that.
ReplyDeletenow neighboring brookline, along beacon street...a little quieter, and still not overly heinously expensive. on the c line, and some decent eating and drinking in the vicinity. but nothing to write home about, exactly.
and i thought that JP was more lesbians than gay men, but i could be wrong - i never lived there myself, and i've been gone for a few years. so who knows.
/boston rambling
I too will be spending the summer fixing my horrid credit rating and reading Wonder Woman! YAY! Well, at least one of those will be fun.
ReplyDeleteI can add to the Kate.D point that, as a new resident of JP I had come to the same conclusion - JP has more lesbians and Dorchester (which covers a very large geographical area) has more gay guys. But I notice there are, indeed, gay guys here in JP, too. Meanwhile, the new happenin' gay bar that opened up is in, yeah, Dorchester.
ReplyDeleteThat said, much of JP is regardless of sex, GBLTIOULNMOP friendly.
Come to Chicago for the gay games! Or go with me to Montreal for the out games? Let's do dance sport in WW gear and work that magic lasso.
ReplyDeleteYou are jumping into the soup kettle from the frying pan. Boston will be sticky. {And not in a good way.)
ReplyDeleteCarlos Mencia is offensive. He certainly isn't funny
If it meant I got to be naked with you, I'd definitely join you in the bonfire exorcism!
ReplyDeleteI hate to be the bearer of bad news, but as a life-long inhabitant of the Northeast, I have to let you know something: it gets REALLY HOT here in the summer! And the humidity! The humidity make you want to die. We DO have a lovely autumn and spring, however.
Carlos Mencia's stand-up isn't funny and is often offensive, but his "man-on-the-street" bits and some of his skits are funny.
Move into the lesbian neighborhood, I say. We all need more lesbians friends.
I think you might be as big of a fan as my sister of Wonder Woman. She has quite a collection of her comics in a big file cabinet. I had to part with my comics when I moved to San Francisco because I just couldnt squeeze another thing in. I handed over a few grand at least worth in comics to my freind. At least he will love, care and respect them. I hope the Superman movie doesn't suck, however I bet your right. I wont be satisifed until Captain Marvel (the DC comics fomerly Wiz comics one)comes out. Stay outta the heat. Go vacation somewhere cool like San Francisco if you can!
ReplyDeleteOso:
ReplyDeletePick the outfit out now, sweetie, NOW!
Why do you think I want to finish sewing that Wonder Woman outfit?
Atari_Age:
But Hoffa? Do you think about finding Hoffa's body alot?
Don’t judge me.
You are probably right about the plasticware, though. **Sigh.**
Kate D.: Thanks for the advice. Are you no longer in Boston?
MEK: Maybe if we combine our credit we could afford that Vespa we have had our eye on for the past few months.
Chiron: Oooooh - Chicago is my favorite U.S. city, and Montreal is my favorite city in North America. Can we do both?
Steve and Frank: All due respect, but I currently live in East Texas. I am 100 miles north of the Gulf of Mexico. That means we get all of the humidity, but not a hint of a sea breeze. I have seen “heat” and “humidity” in the East. I have to say, if you are whining about it, I will gladly trade you my current location.
Jr: Hail, Amazon Sister! DC Captain Marvel always seemed so dirty to me. A little prepubescent boy becomes a full-grown fully functioning adult man? I don’t know. Something just seemed off to me.
I put you're response through Eliza online.
ReplyDeleteThe output was "What is it about not being judged that makes you want to locate and recover Jimmy Hoffa's body?"
I have always found Eliza to be not very bright, but I think Eliza makes a good point here.
And I can make you a damn fine Denver omelet, too. Email works for contact--i thought you bloggers could track back results through this, but if you can't, marsmsu@yahoo.com
ReplyDeleteProf, bring two pair of Wonder Woman underoos and we can do anything! LOL
ReplyDeleteAtari_Age: For me the question has become, Why don’t you want me to find Hoffa’s body? What do you have to hide?
ReplyDeleteChiron: Hmm, two sets of WW Underoos might be hard to come by. How would you feel about Aquaman?
nope, i'm no longer living in boston. i hit the road after grad school for chicago. damn that midwestern-bred boyfriend i picked up getting my masters!
ReplyDeletebut honestly, now that i've left and found a great city where you don't have to pay over $1000 for a one bedroom, i'm not sure i'll ever be back!
however, there are things i do miss. fresh seafood. the red sox. a dunkin donuts on every corner.
mmmm, dunkies.
I tried to read this post, really tried BUT my eyes kept being dragged back to the underoos.
ReplyDeleteIn particular the statement.
100% Polyester with cotton lined crotch.
The whole idea is so appalling that I am transfixed.
100% Polyester with cotton lined crotch.
It is almost haiku...
28 posts and not one about... hmm...Creamsicles. Orange sherbet and vanilla ice cream (or whatever the heck it is) goodness.
ReplyDeleteCarlos Mencia is Both, ya know.
ReplyDelete