What to Wear, What to Wear -- Parte Dos

Now is the time of year when young queers’ hearts and minds are consumed by that special holiday that unites us all. Yes – the fourth week of October has the distinction of being National Radon Detection Week. It’s the silent killer, people. We all mark these special few days by installing devices to detect invisible, tasteless, carcinogenic gases in our homes.

Once that’s over, we begin to think about Halloween. Of course, the end of the month also signals yet another four weeks in which my Texas house did not sell. How much longer will I be saddled with a link to Liar Ex (Who Told Many Lies)? No horror story could be more scary. Halloween offers a nice distraction from that grim reality.

Like last year, though, I have the dilemma of trying to figure out what to wear as a costume. Like last year, my aspirations for particular costumes never quite turn out right.

Here’s more of what I aim for when I build a costume and the disappointing results:

***
What I Aim For: President Laura Roslin



Laura Roslin makes the tough moral choices, inspires confidence, and can really rock a power suit. Once a humble school teacher, Roslin shows what keen intelligence and dedication can do for the leadership of a people.

What I End Up With: First Lady Laura Bush


Laura Bush makes almost no moral choices, inspires nothing, and really needs a new tailor. If anybody ever questioned whether the position of First Lady was useless, Laura proved that it was. Once a humble school teacher, Laura Bush shows how making really bad marriage choices can ruin your life. Tell me about it, Laura.

***

What I Aim For: Zorro



Don Diego de la Vega had a powerful sense of justice and remarkable fighting skills. During the day, he had an unassuming persona as the son of a wealthy nobleman. At night, Diego went to his secret cave, dressed all in black and a long flowing cape, and fought to save the weak. Though he had many weapons, like pistols and a whip, he favored the rapier and fought with elegance. Plus, Guy Williams' could really fill-out his trousers. Get my meaning? Nudge-nudge. His costume really bulged with his manly attributes, if you know what I mean. Nudge-nudge. He had a big penis. Not subtle?

What I End Up With: Batman



Batman is just a cheap knock-off of Zorro. Don’t believe me? During the day, Bruce Wayne is unassuming son of a wealthy business man. At night, Burce goes to his secret cave, dresses all in black and a long flowing cape, and fights to save the weak. Need more proof? Bob Kane frequently depicted young Bruce Wane watching the film The Mark of Zorro the night of his parents’ murder.

Regardless, Batman is so over exposed at this point. Batman also always seems to get underfoot as Wonder Woman tries to do important heroic type stuff.

Yeah, don’t tell my nephew, though, who totally adores Batman at the moment.


What I Aim For: Hawk from Spenser: For Hire



When I was a wee queer lad, I thought Hawk to be one of the coolest figures on television. As an adult, he now seems like a bizarre pastiche of racist stereotypes. Still, he was one sexy mother-fucker. What? The Center of Gravitas ain't a site for kids.

Hawk exuded strength and dominated every scene. Never speaking that often, he still intimidated everybody around. Plus, he really knew how to dress!

What I End Up With: Captain Sisko



The least likeable Star Trek show, Deep Space Nine depended on character development rather than, you know, actual adventure to drive the series. Sisko didn’t help matters. Often indecisive, directionless, and stodgy, Sisko lacked cool. To make matters worse, his whiny son made Wesley Crusher seem down-right pleasant.

***

What I Aim For: Lisa Simpson



Precocious Lisa serves as the moral center of nation’s favorite cartoon family. Having converted to Buddhism somewhere in the show’s twenty-ninth season, Lisa remains at peace in a world of chaos. She values learning and remains calm in desperate circumstances.

What I End Up: Meg Griffin



Nobody likes Meg – not even her parents. Sales clerks have been known to immolate themselves rather than view Meg in a new pair of jeans. Few people even know the purpose of her character.

***

What I Aim For: Macbeth



Sure Macbeth had some bloodthirsty tendencies and a lust for power. He might also have murdered the rightful king, Duncan, thus overturning the natural order of things to the point that horses started eating each other. I call Macbeth a self-starter, myself. Clearly, he is one of the sexiest of all of Shakespeare’s tragic historical characters.

What I End Up With: Hamlet



Did Shakespeare have a more whiny character? Ninety percent of this play is all about Hamlet debating. He debates whether or not to kill the usurper king. He debates whether or not to get it on with Ophelia. He debates whether or not to commit suicide. He debates whether he should use jam or butter on his toast. Geez – We could be spared a dozen soliloquies if he just had the balls to stab, poison, or bludgeon himself to death in the first act. Hamlet is just a whiny brat at the end of the day.

***

What I Aim For: Betty la Fea (Mexico's Ugly Betty)



In Colombia's smart reinventing of the telenovela, Betty became the unlikely hero. The Mexican version perfected the story. Instead of the usual dramatics, histrionics, and sex of traditional telenovelas, Betty la Fea offered an unusual amount of humor (coupled with dramatics, histrionics, and sex). Though I never saw that many episodes, Betty la Fea seemed smart and sassy.

What I End Up With: Ugly Betty



While I still have enjoyed the U.S. version, and I think Selma Hayek can walk on water, elements of the new version still bother me. As I have mentioned before, the fact that Betty and her family are the only Latino figures in the show makes the title a bit more problematic. Likewise, the fey assistant caters to some horrific homophobic stereotypes (though he did redeem himself a bit when he shared a moment with Betty’s nephew). Maybe I am just predisposed to distrust U.S. remakes. Or perhaps my therapist was right -- Maybe I should really just relax sometimes. Eh.

***
What I Aim For: Jake Shears from Scissor Sisters



Though Del Marquis has my heart from the Scissor Sisters, one can’t deny Shears’ electric personality. He has a tight little body that he generously shows off as he prances about the stage in revealing costumes.

What I End Up With: Carol Channing



Carol also shows offer her tight little body as she prances about the stage. In this case, though, it’s just too much camp, even for GayProf.

***
What I Aim For: The Grim Reaper




Empowered with the icy touch of death, the Grim Reaper strikes fear in all who have seen him. He has a cold dark presence, no soul of his own, and thrives on decay.

What I End Up With: Donald Rumsfeld



Empowered with the icy touch of death, Donald Rumsfeld strikes fear in all who have seen him. He has a cold dark presence, no soul of his own, and thrives on decay – Huh – maybe that’s why I keep ending up with him when I aim for death personified.