Be Resolved, 2007

Last year I was too emotionally exhausted to make my own New Year’s resolutions. This year, it just seems like a lot of work. All that self-improvement takes so much effort. You have to decide what elements about you need fixing and come up with some type of tangible plan to accomplish the repair. That could really interfere with my having a good time.

I figure I am better off taking the next year’s wild ride as it appears. Fate will be the guiding force. Well, maybe not just fate. Liquor and Xanax will play significant roles as well.

Deciding New Year’s Resolutions for other people proved much more satisfying last year. So much so, I think that I will repeat it. For me, deciding resolutions for people feels like community service. At least, that’s what I would tell the judge.

George Bush, Jr.

Oh, George, last year we talked about a resolution for you to learn to read. I even tried to set you up with the whole Hooked on Phonics library. This really hasn’t been your year, though. Your war in Iraq keeps deteriorating and you obstinately refuse to face the facts. Of course, probably the illiteracy makes it harder for you to even learn the facts.

Everybody knows that you are failure. You know it; I know it; the American people know it. Even Gerald Ford recognized that invading Iraq would have disastrous consequences. Now, I don’t mean to disrespect the recently dead, but Ford didn’t have a reputation of being a super-genius. Lyndon Johnson used to say, “The problem with Gerald Ford is that he played football before they required helmets.” Yet, even Ford thought you to be a bit dim.

George, make this the year that you resign the presidency. Really, you spend most of your time on vacation anyway. Don’t resign, though, before you fire Cheney. That way, our good friend Nancy Pelosi can be President. Wouldn't that be nice?

Hillary Clinton

Resolve not to run for president. I have nothing against you really. In fact, you would probably make a competent president. Let’s be honest, though, anybody would look like a political genius following the disaster that is Bush, Jr.

Really, Hillary, you just can’t win the presidency. People on the right hate you. Now, I don’t mean that they find you mildly annoying. I mean they confuse you with a little demon-like creature.

This means you would be unelectable. Taking the Democratic Party’s nomination would cripple the party. Plus, some of your political positions kinda annoyed me over the past few years. Taking a hard anti-video-game stance? That’s just lame, Hillary. Talk about pandering.

You are a young woman. I recommend becoming a power-house in the Senate. You know, under the Constitution, the Senate should be one of the most powerful government bodies. If you play your cards right, you could reign there indefinitely. Why not be a Senate kingpin? Doing so would also mean that people would no longer talk about your never-ending-change of hairstyles. Nobody seems to care what senators look like.

Ronald Moore

Resolve to refocus Battlestar Galactica back on the human struggle to survive. Don’t get me wrong. This season brought some of the best episodes so far. In particular, exploring the ethics of suicide-bombing made for some darn good television. We also had a little fun looking into the Cylon baseships. The hybrid has all intrigued.

Now, though, scale back a bit. Two things will destroy this show (and the fans seem to be in constant fear of the show falling apart): 1) Reaching earth and 2) Having the Cylons lose their edge. Only an idiot would do number one (*cough *Galactica: 1980* cough*). As for the second, you are treading close to the edge, Ronny. On one hand, the Cylons can’t be a mystery forever. On the other hand, the more we know about the Cylons, the less interesting they become for the show. Keep an eye on it.

Mary Cheney

Resolve to get that spine transplant. Mary, I know that I have been critical of you in the year 2006. You earned it, girl. With all of your hypocrisy and smug dismissal of other queer folk. Not to mention your face looks like you have been washing with Comet.

Let’s make a fresh start, though, in 2007. Right now, you are carrying around a human-worm-larvae. Personally, I have never understood the desire to have children. Apparently, though, you wanted one. So be it. Prove that your baby’s mama isn’t a fool.

The evil right-wing Christians have attacked you and your baby since the day you sent out announcements. In you little book, you trashed lefty-gay-activists. Yet, those very same lefty-gay-activists have been the only ones supporting your selfish ass for the past few months. Now it’s time for you to step up and defend your own damn family.

Wonder Woman

Resolve to reclaim your costume from that annoying skank Donna Troy. Okay, you needed a little time off to recoup. Killing Maxwell Lord gave you a bit of an ethical conundrum. Paradise Island’s disappearance into another dimension, yet again, couldn’t have been easy.

After all that, anybody would need to reassess their life with a bit of solitude. Taking a year to swim in the big pool of Diana seemed reasonable. You got a new haircut, slipped on a white jumpsuit, and contemplated the meaning of life.

At some point, though, all good Amazons take charge of their lives again. With Batman’s help, you have your Diana Prince alias back. Now it’s time to slip on that golden bustier and red-and-white boots and kick a little mortal ass. I am just sayin’.

Guadalupe

Resolve to sell my Texas house. Sure, you could spend your time cruising the earth curing sickness or ending wars. Selling my house, though, involves me. Therefore it really, really matters.

Finally dumping that house would end my long financial nightmare and be the last bit to rid me of the repugnant Liar Ex (Who Told Many Lies). Can’t you swing a little divine intervention for a queer-brown-eyed boy?

If not, maybe it’s time to kick a little mortal ass. That pope guy sure seems to need a Virgin-smack-down. I am just sayin’.

Queer Community

Resolve to make this a year of honesty. Certainly 2006 exposed some prominent queer liars: Ted Haggard, Mark Foley, Sesame Street’s Burt. Telling lies benefits nobody in the end, except yourself. Even then, it usually makes things much worse.

Are you frustrated by the way that your local, state, and national community views queer people? You have the ability to alter that view by being up-front about your sexual desires. The easiest and best strategy for making the world safer for queers is still being honest, out, and open about our sexual identities. Yet, it still is news.

Now, I know it’s not easy. If you are feeling daunted or alone, though, remember that I am on your side. With GayProf around, things just seem less scary.