Winter brings us the non-sectarian, non-denominational holiday season. I never look for lots of gifts at this time of year. No, no. Just give me cash – folding money. Like GayProf always says: Cash is the right size and the perfect color. Or give me something with sentimental value – Something from your heart -- like a couple lots in Boston, on or off Charles Street. I am not particular where I live. That’s good enough for me.Okay, now that I have paid homage to Pearl Bailey, we can talk more about those tricky holiday gifts. Shopping for our non-sectarian, non-denominational holiday presents can be stressful. We all want to give something meaningful, but often run out of time. Fretting about what message our gift sends to the other person can keep us awake. Moreover, we also wonder why we got certain gifts from people. Just what did they want to tell us?
Don’t worry – GayProf is here to help you with all of your holiday gifting. Here is a list of gifts, what the giver meant by giving them, and what the receiver thinks upon getting each.
The Gift: A Dictionary.
What the Giver Meant: I don’t think that you can spell. (Given my blog entries, I expect many of these).
What the Receiver Thinks: Oh, I can use this. My coffee table is a little wobbly because of that short leg.
***
The Gift: A Wii
What the Giver Meant: I am trying to buy your love.
What the Receiver Thinks: I love you.
***
The Gift: X-Box 360
What the Giver Meant: I am trying to buy your love.
What the Receiver Thinks: Eh – I am indifferent to you.
***
The Gift: A Playstation 3
What the Giver Meant: I am trying to buy your love.
What the Receiver Thinks: Oh, I can use this. My coffee table is a little wobbly because of that short leg.
***
The Gift: Three-Month Membership to a Gym
What The Giver Meant: I think that you are fat and/or am the type of person who claims to be “helping you” by making you feel badly about yourself.
What The Receiver Thinks: You’re an asshole. On top of that, only giving three months makes you a cheap asshole.
***
The Gift: Massaging-Gel Insoles for Your Shoes
What the Giver Meant: I am concerned about your arch-support. (Could also mean that they are tired of hearing you complain about lower-back pain).
What the Receiver Thinks: Your sex-life must be equivalent to my great aunt’s.
***
The Gift: An Engagement Ring or a Commitment Band.
What the Giver Meant: The holidays have exposed my desperate loneliness – I am making rash choices without thinking.
What the Receiver Thinks: That better not be my only gift.
***
The Gift: An Iron
What the Giver Meant: Get to pressing my shirts, bitch.
What the Receiver Thinks: This iron will leave an interesting pattern imprinted on your face when I slug you with it.
***
The Gift: Tickle-Me Elmo – T.M.X – EXTREME!
What the Giver Meant: I think that you have the mentality of a five-year old.
What the Receiver Thinks: That cackling little doll better know how to do more than laugh, like make a cocktail.
***
The Gift: A Mix CD with Any of the Following Artists: Billie Holiday, Marlene Dietrich, Pearl Bailey, Cher, Donna Summer, Madonna, Scissor Sisters, P!nk, or Tina Turner.
What the Giver Meant: I am gay.
What the Receiver Thinks: You are gay – UNLESS, the receiver is also gay, then they think “ooh – I’ve got to dance.”
***
The Gift: Handmade Goodies.
What the Giver Meant: I care about you, but am really, really broke.
What the Receiver Thinks: That was thoughtful (I hope, because GayProf is really, really broke this year).
***
The Gift: A Diamond
What the Giver Meant: Television tells me that I am supposed to give these shiny rocks to you.
What the Receiver Thinks: I don’t care what television implies, I am still not having sex with you tonight.
***
The Gift: Airline Tickets to Anywhere in Texas (Yes, Including Austin)
What the Giver Meant: I secretly hate you and want you to suffer.
What the Receiver Thinks: Why does this person hate me so much?
***
The Gift: Wonder Woman comics, books, or dolls
What the Giver Meant: Who doesn’t love Wonder Woman?
What the Receiver Thinks: This person clearly has good taste.
***
The Gift: A Picture of Both the Receiver and Giver Together in a Happy Moment.
What the Giver Meant: I will always remember that moment together.
What the Receiver Thinks: Ah, how sweet.
***
The Gift: A Picture of the Giver, Alone.
What the Giver Meant: I think highly of myself and think you should as well.
What the Receiver Thinks: Well, it’s a nice frame. I bet the picture can be easily popped out.
***
The Gift: Store Gift Card
What the Giver Meant: I thought cash would be déclassé.
What the Receiver Thinks: Why didn’t he/she just give me cash?
***
The Gift: A New Car
What the Giver Meant: I only exist in television commercials.
What the Receiver Thinks: That giant bow better not have scratched the paint.
***
The Gift: Liquor
What the Giver Meant: I think that you are an alcoholic.
What the Receiver Thinks: Give me, give me, give me.
***
The Gift: Bayer’s Collectible Tin
What the Giver Meant: I thought of you when I saw this – in the 7-11.
What the Receiver Thinks: Well, it’s better than the can of baking powder I got from you last year.
***
The Gift: Sensuous Oils or Condom-Safe Lube
What the Giver Meant: I want to get you naked.
What the Receiver Thinks: We can use these tonight.
***
The Gift: Lingerie or Sexy Underwear
What the Giver Meant: I am tired of seeing you naked. Put some clothes on already.
What the Receiver Thinks: Oh, great – Something else to clutter up my drawers that I will never wear.
***
The Gift: SuperFriends on DVD.
What the Giver Meant: I wanted to share a cherished part of my childhood with you.
What the Receiver Thinks: I better not be expected to dress like either Zan or Jayna later tonight. If I find a pet named Gleek, I am so out of here.
***
The Gift: A Promise to Have a “Special” Christmas Together – on December 26.
What the Giver Meant: I am really married to somebody else – with kids. If queer, however, it could also mean that I still haven’t told my parents that I am gay.
What the Receiver Thinks: Man, I have made poor life choices and am in denial about the viability of this relationship.
***
The Gift: A 96-Page Report with 79 Recommendations about How to Solve the Crisis You Created in Iraq
What the Giver Meant: Worst.President.Ever.
What the Receiver Thinks: I like Legos.
Oh, the video game system gift is causing angst in our household. We have Wii games. We have Wii controllers. We have no Wii system.
ReplyDeleteI'm trying to decide if I love Pete enough to get up early tomorrow and stand outside in the cold and rain for two house for the chance to buy one before the new year.
These are priceless (except literally, of course). Thanks for posting them!
ReplyDeleteI don't know what Wii is. And what's more, you put a picture of it and I still can't fathom it's use.
ReplyDeleteFunny as always GayProf!
Classic. I'll be thinking about this list come Christmas morning.
ReplyDeleteWow - the one about the "special Christmas" really stings this year. I know it's in jest, but man, that sapped my holiday cheer right out...
ReplyDelete1). I don't own any game systems.
ReplyDelete2). I have never owned a game system.
3). I have no plans to own a game system.
4). I don't mind if YOU have a game system.
5). I just don't want to talk about it.
The Gift: Center of Gravitas
What the Giver Meant: Satire/ political/ social commentary at it's best. Angst made palatable in chewable brilliance.
What the Receiver Thinks: Gay Prof is sexy.
Dorian: Screw Pete. Why aren't you standing in the rain for ol' GayProf?
ReplyDeleteArthur: Thanks for coming by my little bloggy.
Torn: No idea about the Wii? It's only been in all the major news feed since its launch. You know, gaming -- Think Pong.
Geez, Torn, plug in. ;-)
Steve: I hope that you get the positive gifts.
WiccaChicky: You know I debated about including that one because I feared that it might too closely resemble the reality of some of my readers. I am really sorry about bringing you down.
That's going to be some bad Karma to GayProf.
Cooper: No Star Trek. No That Girl. Now, no gaming? Our friendship is in serious jeopardy. It's mighty lucky that you are so cute.
"The non-sectarian, non-denominational holiday season."
ReplyDeleteAh, man... what a beast to have to type that out.
Good thing we have "Copy & Paste" functionality in this brave new world of non-offensive holiday designations. (I'd elaborate further, but in keeping with GP's request to keep things civil, I'll save it for a blog entry of my own.)
Anyways, I'd love to get my mitts on a Wii. Heck, if it really takes any degree of physical effort to play, I'm all for it.
Plus, the pricetag relative to the Bloatstation 3 and the X-Bucks $360 make it rather attractive.
And the choice of using Yoshida Kyoudai for the bumper music in their adverts endeared me right off the bat.
"The non-sectarian, non-denominational holiday season."
ReplyDeleteAh, man... what a beast to have to type that out.
Good thing we have "Copy & Paste" functionality in this brave new world of non-offensive holiday designations. (I'd elaborate further, but in keeping with GP's request to keep things civil, I'll save it for a blog entry of my own.)
Anyways, I'd love to get my mitts on a Wii. Heck, if it really takes any degree of physical effort to play, I'm all for it.
Plus, the pricetag relative to the Bloatstation 3 and the X-Bucks $360 make it rather attractive.
And the choice of using Yoshida Kyoudai for the bumper music in their adverts endeared me right off the bat.
Well, if I knew where to send them, I would definitely get you Sensuous Oils. And you'd be right on both counts, I hope. :)
ReplyDeleteI laughed a lot - mission accomplished - though I have to say, having a sex life of my great aunt would be a good thing, a very good thing since in my lifetime, she tried to blow her way through $500,000 on gigalos to sexually service her (she was in her eighties) - It is a family thing, my 89 year old grandmothers Christmas card was all about her and her married "lover" - should I send her KY for xmas to show I'm the grandchild who "really cares?"
ReplyDeleteDear Friends of GayProf,
ReplyDeleteSeriously, if you're looking for the best gift ever, give the opportunity for your loved ones to write their memories about childhood, young adulthood, special times spent with their children, remembering their happiest days, gaining insight into their down moments, and understanding what they believe in.
When your loved one is finished in one week or one year, these memories can be e-mailed to friends and family, printed from a home printer, archived on our site for others to read, and/or have a book printed to give to loved ones.
Just click the Join button at www.TheRememberingSite.org to give this gift by making the one-time registration fee of $25 as a gift for a special grandparent, parent, or sibling.
At the time of purchase, an instant automated welcome message will be sent, letting your loved one know that you have made this gift so that they can begin to write their story. The gift message includes instructions on how to get started including the user name and initial password that they can later change.
There's no greater gift than giving a child or grandchild answers to the questions that we just never think to ask our parents.
I know many of you will balk at this commercial but I'm a regular reader of GayProf and we're a non-profit.
Wishing you all a very merry ...
Dr. Sarah McCue and D.G. Fulford
Founders, The Remembering Site
Silly GayProf, putting a PS3 under a table leg will just make the table topple over!
ReplyDeletehysterical... great idea!!!!
ReplyDeleteYou must think about gifts much more than I do. I only seem to think about what the gift receiver will think. I have to admit that the gift card thing is just ridiculous. Primarily because it must be spent at the store the gift giver chose. JR got several to a store where he simply didn't know what to do with them. In essence it made things really bad, and the gift ultimately seemed to be more of a nuisance and a reminder of what one could purchase if one had cash and wasn't limited by some stupid gift card. And I liked your description of the holiday season. Personally, I think we all have more connection to our pagan roots that were probably developed with something closer to our roots than some imposed mythology meant to control people. I think it's especially funny when Xtians make new meanings for old pagan symbols (they used to do this all the time in the LDS church) to help, jesus-up the holiday season. Isn't that what Xmas is for? Taking the Christ out of Christmas?
ReplyDeleteKalvin is right about one thing, that many of our "Christmas traditions" are holdovers from older pagan solstice holidays like Yule, Saturnalia, etc.
ReplyDeleteThe exact politics behind the decisions to set 25. December as "Christmas Day" are probably lost to the mists of history, and add to that various manipulations of the calendar since the time Christ was born, perhaps only a few people could confidently say Jesus was born on X day of Y year. Some have made reasonable assertions that He was born probably in late April or early May of what would be 7 BC (BCE for you non-Christians) - and if one could be dogmatic on that, that would certainly upset a few apple carts, somewhere. I'm sure that the marketers, retailers, and economists would get over it though.
It was perhaps a matter of convenience that Christmas (with Christ) became prevalent in Christendom to overlap the older pagan holidays. In the longer run, it doesn't matter which day one celebrates Christ's birth on, if one believes in thier heart that Christ died for thier sins, and rose again as the Living Son of God that we all might have eternal life; every day is sufficient to remember that the Living Word of God in His infinite love, stepped out of eternity and into human flesh to become the only just and perfect sacrifice for our sin. Being creatures of habit (and convenience perhaps) we like to celebrate it on a particular day, giving emphasis to this point. For some, it may help to blunt the edge of conspicuous consumption that sets this season aflame, and give peace to those hearts facing depression.
If you remove the "reason for the season" or Christ from Christmas... (which we have already effectively accomplished, with or without politically correct seasonal terminology)... then all you have to look forward to at the end of it all is a bunch of maxed out credit cards and a few mights of pretended merriness to liven up an otherwise cold and generally bland time of year.
So yeah, if all one has to live for is the 60-70 years of uncertain life on this less-than ideal world... then I'll say - go for it with gusto. Your clock is a'ticking.
"And as it is appointed unto men once to die, but after this the judgment" (Hebrews 9:27)
Hey GayProf! I've been away - but now I've jumped back into the frying pan (was Intous - not Redd Turtles). I've missed your posts.
ReplyDeleteLooks like I've started back reading a great one......:-)
Wonder Woman has always warmed my heart.
Obviously I need practice....I meant - was Intous - NOW, Redd Turtles....oops.
ReplyDelete"The Gift: A Mix CD with Any of the Following Artists: Billie Holiday, Marlene Dietrich, Pearl Bailey, Cher, Donna Summer, Madonna, Scissor Sisters, P!nk, or Tina Turner."
ReplyDeleteOkay... I've said it, Torn's said it, and now it's true:
I am a gay man trapped in a straight woman's body.
Hey, on that mix-CD how could you forget Eartha Kitt?!?!
ReplyDelete