Working for a Living

I like being a college professor. The job comes with some serious perks. Having the ability and time to do independent research makes the job seem like a luxury. It also doesn’t require a lot of heavy lifting, there are lengthy breaks, and a flexibility to set one’s schedule almost entirely.

Sometimes, though, I wonder what type of job would await me if I, for some unknown reason, had to give up the grueling 2-4:00pm work schedule of an academic. All of my formal training has geared me to a single profession. Nobody has ever informed me of possible alternatives. Even when I took one of those aptitude tests in high school, it came back with “historian” -- Well, “historian” and also “serial convict.” The latter felt like too much work.

As a result, I must depend on my greatest source of all knowledge, television, to imagine possible other careers for me. True, as we have previously discussed, television seriously misled me about what working in general would involve. Having a job isn’t all about drinking coffee and laughing with your friends. Still, television has given me a much bigger range of careers to consider. Here are some possibilities:

Cruise Director:

Requirements: Perky Personality; Organization Skills; Sea Legs; Tolearance to Listen to Charo Over Long Periods of Time

Past Experience that Qualifies me for this Job: My last year in college, I worked as a “concierge” for a property management company in downtown Albuquerque. Basically my job description said that I needed to keep office-tenants happy by buying them swag and throwing parties. That job was sweet – Browsing catalogs was considered my labor.

Possible Problems with this Job: I don’t think that I could do as much cocaine as perky Julie McCoy. Remember, I am starting with a serious gravitas-disadvantage. That’s a lot of blow to bring me to Julie level perky.

Starship Captain:

Requirements: Take Charge Attitude; Starfleet Training; A Flair for the Dramatic; Ability to Wear Unflattering Uniforms (possibly including a bun).

Past Experience that Qualifies me for this Job: I have been telling people what to do for years.

Possible Problems with This Job: I don’t really have enough technical knowledge. It’s like those captain folk memorized the entire schematics of 290-meter-long ships (I had to look that imaginary statistic up on Google, fyi – More evidence that I couldn’t hack it). No matter what computer/engineering/propulsion/or plumbing problem emerged on the ship, the captain always seemed to know about the system in every detail. I am not entirely certain that I fully understand how my coffee-maker works.

Oil Baron:

Requirements: Cut Throat Personality; Must be Able to Hold Liquor; Willingness to Have Multiple Affairs; Ability to Give Long, Meaningful Glances

Past Experience that Qualifies Me for this Job: According to television, anybody who went to high school should be able to do that job. At least, the social dynamics appear to be the same.

Possible Problems with This Job: It doesn’t seem like oil barons actually do any work – I might like a little more challenge. Additionally, I really don’t want to live in Texas.

Archaeologist:

Requirements: Ability to Engage in Fist-to-Fist Combat; Skills with a Whip and Pistol; Implausible Knowledge of Nazi Plots

Past Experience That Qualifies Me for this Job: Sadly, I only have formal academic training in historical knowledge, preservation, and excavation. Clearly these skills would be useless to an archaeologist.

Possible Problems with This Job: I don’t like being dirty. There is also no way I am sleeping outside. I also hate snakes -- especially if they are on a motherfucking plane. Oh, wait, that is something else -- I think...

Revolutionary Leader:

Requirements: Commitment to Social Justice; Dynamic Personality; Self-Starter; Ability to Grow a Full and Luxurious Beard

Past Experience that Qualifies Me for This Job: I firmly believe in the necessity to fight for social justice and improve the standard of living for all people. When needed, I can also rock a beret.

Possible Problems with This Job: I don’t believe in killing people, even for a noble cause. Maybe my employer could be flexible and allow maiming in pursuit of the revolution instead. I am totally onboard with maiming.

Gay Porn Star:

Requirements: Familiarity with Method-Acting; Slavish Devotion to Your Vanity; Ability to Have Sex with People for Whom You Feel No Attraction

Past Experience that Qualifies me for this Job: I like the sex.

Possible Problems with This Job: I easily chafe.

IADC Agent:

Requirements: Spy Stuff; Wearing Glasses Three-Times the Size of your Face; Ability to Engage in Witty Banter with a Talking Computer. Apparently somebody who has been separated from the rest of the world for over two thousand years is the preferred candidate to be involved in modern international espionage.

Past Experience that Qualifies Me for this Job: I won an athletic competition against my amazon sisters.

Possible Problems with This Job: I don’t think that the IADC is a real agency. Plus, my eyesight doesn’t require corrective glasses.

Secretary of State:

Requirements: Familiarity with Method-Acting; Slavish Devotion to Your Vanity; Ability to Have Sex with People for Whom You Feel No Attraction

Past Experience that Qualifies Me for this Job: I like to travel.

Possible Problems with This Job: I have a soul.