Baby, If You've Ever Wondered

Another year has elapsed in the adventures of GayProf. We are starting the end of my thirties and it ain't pretty, people. Fortunately, I was able to have per-celebrations visiting VUBOQ and his Amazing Friends. There was much eating and drinking and climbing of broken escalators.

Apparently the Supreme Court also decided to give me an early gift by declaring me almost-human. Well, almost-human as long as my home state's legislature or court thinks of me as such. Whatever the case, as we all know, I use my birthday as a time to take stock of my life by making comparisons to others’ life journeys, real or imagined, at the same age. It is a little macabre habit tired gimmick ritual that I have. I’m not sayin', I'm just sayin'.

If I were Andy Travis at age 39, it would have been six years since I moved to Cincinnati, Ohio from my hometown of Santa Fe, New Mexico.



If I were Dolly Parton at 39, I would contradictorily record two songs entitled “Real Love” and “Don’t Call It Love" this year.

If I were Paul Lynde at age 39, this is the year I would make my first appearance in the television show Bewitched. My role was not Uncle Arthur (which I would originate at age 40), but rather the outlandishly mortal Harold Harold who attempts to teach Samantha how to drive a car.

If I were Mr. Carlson, it would be another five years before I hired Andy Travis as Program Director of WKRP.

If I were Paula Deen, I would be a racist idiot.

If I were either of my parents at age 39, I would have three children. The oldest would be nineteen and the youngest would be twelve.

If I were Oscar Wilde, this is the year I would produce my play A Woman of No Importance.

If I were Lyle Waggoner, this is the year that I would leave The Carol Burnett Show to play the role of Wonder Woman’s boyfriend, Steve Trevor. Aside: The realization that I was the same age as Steve Trevor sorta made me feel better about aging.





If I were Harvey Milk, this is the year that I would move to San Francisco for the first time.

If I were Che Guevara, I would be executed this year after failing to incite revolution in Bolivia.

If I were Dick Sargent, this is the year I would replace Dick York as Darrin Stephens in the television show Bewitched. Apparently, Elizabeth Montgomery liked to hang around the gays. I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'.

If I were Les Nessman, I would have met Andy Travis last year. Aside: The realization that I was the same age as Les sorta made me want to kill myself.




If I were Adam West, this would be my last year playing Batman. I would, however, continue to do the Batusi on demand.

If I were Venus Flytrap, it would have been ten years since Andy Travis convinced me to quit my job as a science teacher and become a DJ.

If I were Marylin Monroe, I would have been dead for three years.

If I were Miguel Antonio Otero II, I would have been governor of New Mexico for two years.

If I were Mary Richards, I would have been fired from WJM-TV two years ago.




If I were Johnny Fever, Andy Travis would have freed me from playing music by the Hallelujah Tabernacle Choir in order to play rock’n’roll last year.

If I were Jesus, I would have been dead for six years.

Anna Nicole Smith died at age 39.

If I were Pearl Bailey, it would have been ten years since I appeared in Variety Girl with Bob Hope.



If were Leonardo DiCaprio, this is the year I would bore audiences with yet another film version of The Great Gatsby.

Activist Harry Hay officially launched the gay-rights group known as the Mattachine Society at age 39. Given it was 1951, he was considered quite daring.




If I were Sofia Vergara, this is the year I would be voted the “most desirable woman”.

If I were Billie Holiday, this is the year that I would first tour Europe and release my LP Billie Holiday for Clef Records.

If I were Alois Schicklgruber, this is the year that I would change my surname to “Hitler.” It would be another 13 years before the birth of my evil-incarnate son Adolf.

If I were Audrey Hepburn, this is the year that I would marry Italian psychiatrist Andrea Dotti.

If I were Dinah Washington, a.k.a. “Queen of the Blues”, I would die of an accidental overdose of sleeping pills in my Detroit home this year.




If I were Jennifer Marlow, nobody would know my age by my own design.

If I were Octavio Ambrosio Larrazolo, I would be practicing law in Las Vegas, New Mexico. It would be another twenty years before I would be the first elected Mexican American governor in the United States.

If I were Jenny McCarthy, this is they year I would pose for Playboy. Everyone else would wonder how I ever became famous in the first place.

If I were GayProf, I would be under the delusion that people still know this blog exists.

Jaclyn Smith at 39 was reigning as the “Queen of Television Mini-Movie” by starring in both George Washington and The Night They Saved Christmas.

If I were Kate Jackson, I would be diagnosed with a malignant tumor after my first ever mammogram. It would be my last year as one of the titular characters in Scarecrow and Mrs. King.

If I were Cher, I would have created the film production company Isis and filmed one of my most memorable roles as Florence “Rusty” Dennis in the movie Mask at age 39.

If I were Jacqueline Kennedy, this is the year that I would become Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis.




If I were Barbie, I would become a Nascar driver this year because, why not?

If I were Spartacus star Andy Whitfield, I would die this year of non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma.

If I were Franklin D. Roosevelt at age 39, this is the year I would contract my paralytic illness.

If I were Farrah Fawcett, I would win critical acclaim for my acting in the film Extremities.

If I were Wonder Woman, I would age another 2,452 years before joining Patriarch’s world to fight crime.