Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Better Gay Living Through Science


I work for a university that conducts cloning experiments. Though one might not expect such abominations in the middle of the Bible belt, researchers here have quietly produced genetic replications of various farm animals. Far from the history building, these researchers toil in solitude in their secret lab. My fellow faculty members have cloned, or are about to clone, cats, dogs, cattle, and (I think) Lynn Cheney.

Since I find myself single these days, I have been thinking it’s time for the science folk to help me out. Why should I waste time looking when science can make a man to order? After all those years that scientists performed horrific experiments on gay folk (Yes, I am still angry about that), they owe us. While they are creating clones, I figure they could also tinker with the originals to make them perfect. Here are my requests:

    James Dean

    Could there be a hunkier dead guy? True, Dean didn’t quite live up to his promise of leaving a good corpse having been mangled in a car wreck and all. Still, with the miracles of modern science, they can create a new Dean: better, faster, stronger.

    What Science Needs to Fix: While Dean long had a reputation of sleeping with men, he also had an annoying habit of occasionally sleeping with women. We will need to tidy up that little genetic blip if he is going to be right for me.

    Emiliano Zapata

    Alert readers know that Zapata made my stalking list not that long ago. What did I discover? Stalking the dead can be kinda boring. They never go anywhere interesting. Actually, they never go anywhere.

    With a new Zapata, however, my life could be rich and exciting, I am sure of it. The Mexican revolutionary wanted extensive reforms and advocated his own visions of social justice. I find his passion to the cause very sexy. His most famous battle cry stated: “Would you rather live on your knees or die on your feet?” All I can say is that I would spend some time on my knees for him. Wait – What did I just type?

    What Science Needs to Fix: Zapata seemed a bit short. Perhaps adding a few inches on the top wouldn’t hurt.

    Dr. Strange

    Until recently, I lacked extensive knowledge about Dr. Strange. He existed on the edges of the Marvel Universe: visible enough to be known, but never really fully developed. Beyond an occasional guest appearance on Spiderman and his Amazing Friends, though, he didn’t stand out. Thanks to a friend, I have caught up with the good doctor and am now totally devoted.

    Cloning Dr. Strange would fit me just fine. He has a strong commitment to karmic justice, appreciates knowledge, and he wears a long flowing cape. Plus, his whole amulet of power would be pretty handy for dealing with students. Didn’t read the text? Look deeply into the Eye of Agamatto and suffer your fate. Excellent.

    What Science Needs to Fix: Though not a genetic flaw, I hear that Dr. Strange can be a bit clumsy with his hands. Sorcerer Supreme or not, we will need to work on that.

    Montgomery Clift

    Credited with being a great actor of his time, Clift could draw an audience into an intricate web of emotion. Yeah, whatever. All I care about is that he would make excellent arm-candy. Plus, he had a reputation for being able to handle his, um, guns with great skill (See Red River or, to avoid the boring bits, the Celluloid Closet).

    I am talking about pre-accident Clift, people. I don’t want some zombie Clift with a ripped up face from that drunken car accident. Yeah, yeah, he still had acting talent, blah, blah, blah. Remember: ARM CANDY. Come to think of it, celebrities back in the day really could have benefitted from seat belts.

    What Science Needs to Fix: Clift didn’t live very long. I would like a tad more longevity for my investment.

    Me

    Early twentieth-century psychologists imagined homosexuality as an extreme form of narcissism. You know, I am kinda okay with that. Who would better match the temperament of GayProf than another GayProf?
    (This is the university's official file-photo of me -- I claim no responsibility for it.)
    Imagine the gravitas I could spread if there were two of me! Plus, all my clothes would also fit the other me. It would be brilliant.

    What Science Needs to Fix: I tend to be a bit neurotic, we should work on that. I might be too nerdy, we could tone that down. Maybe the gravitas would get tiring after awhile. Hmm, maybe I need to think about this some more.

7 comments:

Frank said...

I'm not entirely sure if I'm mixing up my Old Hollywood Closet Cases, but wasn't Montgomery Clift the one with the really, really small penis? I'd want the scientists to fix THAT, first!

Wayne said...

I've always wondered what Dr Strange was a doctor of?

Where did he study?

Is he now Professor Strange and head of department somewhere? If so I'd like to sit in on his committee meetings.

Helen the Felon said...

Wait...If you get to be your own boyfriend, does that mean I can't be your boyfriend too? Or does it mean that I get TWO GayProfs to be MY arm candy? (I'd prefer the latter, thank you.)

Roger Owen Green said...

FYI it's Lynne Cheney, with an e http://www.whitehouse.gov/mrscheney/
God help us if she were cloned.

Adam said...

Hmmm I'm torn between you or Monty. I don't want to seem opulent and wear you both on my arm at the same time so as long as I can keep the clones in stasis when they're not being used I'll take both!

chiron said...

YES! You're on to something. I can't stop loving Montgomery Cliff, but I can't stop lusting after Brando and Newman.

phcube said...

Have to be monty for me! I don't care about the size of his dick, he was a heck of a beautiful man