Friday, December 17, 2010

Give It Up

December is passing by rather quickly. While we all know that I celebrate the winter Lunar celebration for the goddess Diana (wink), others are preparing for the big C. Or the big H (sometimes also C). Or the big K. The pressures of finding the perfect gifts for your loved ones, traveling to see your loved ones, and then spending an ungodly amount of time with your loved ones is likely driving you all batty. It’s like GayProf always says, “Family: Can’t live with them, can’t shove them in a trunk and drive them over a cliff.”

As I prepare the invisible jet for my return to Paradise Island, I wanted to offer my annual help to the loyal legions who keep vigil in cyberspace. Allow me to be your guide as you navigate these gift giving rituals. There is still plenty of time to figure out just what type of message you want to send with your presents this year:

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    The Gift: A bottle of bourbon.

    What the Giver Meant: You’re a drunken bastard.

    What the Receiver Thinks: Give me, give me, give me.



    ***

    The Gift: A hands-free infrared soap dispenser.

    What the Giver Meant: You’re a dirty bastard

    What the Receiver Thinks: Anal retentive much?

    ***

    The Gift: A nativity set with characters from Star Trek, including Mr. Spock as Jesus.

    What the Giver Meant: You’re a nerdy bastard.

    What the Receiver Thinks: Maybe Shatner was right. Maybe I do need to get a life.

    ***

    The Gift: An assortment of flavored hot chocolates.

    What the Giver Meant: I want you to be warm and toasty in these cold winter nights.

    What the Receiver Thinks: I’d rather have a bottle of bourbon.

    ***

    The Gift: A year-long membership on Manhunt.com

    What the Giver Meant: You're a horny bastard.

    What the Receiver Thinks: I guess that I can use this if Grindr is ever down.



    ***

    The Gift: A year-long membership to Match.com.

    What the Giver Meant: You're a lonely bastard.

    What the Receiver Thinks: I’d rather have a bottle of bourbon.

    ***

    The Gift: A year-long membership to eHarmony.com.

    What the Giver Meant: You're a creepy, Christian bastard.

    What the Receiver Thinks: I don't need anybody in my life because my ability to smugly judge others keeps me warm through the night.

    ***

    The Gift: A give away tax plan for the wealthy.

    What the Giver Meant: I ignore the people who elected me in a futile effort to curry favor with the people who will forever hate me.

    What the Receiver Thinks: I see we are still waiting on that spine donor.

    ***
    The Gift: Mid-century modern ceramics

    What the Giver Meant: I am a man of exceptional style and taste.

    What the Receiver Thinks: Somebody has been watching Mad Men a bit too much.



    ***

    The Gift: The DVD collection of Glee.

    What the Giver Meant: You’re a gay bastard.

    What the Receiver Thinks: I still have fantasies that high school could have been fun.



    ***

    The Gift: The DVD collection of Modern Family.

    What the Giver Meant: You like shows with non threatening Latina and/or gay characters who subtly conform to societal stereotypes.

    What the Receiver Thinks: I enjoy the stifling suburban status quo.

    ***

    The Gift: The DVD collection of Dallas.

    What the Giver Meant: You’re an out-of-touch bastard.

    What the Receiver Thinks: Why did the eighties have to end?

    ***

    The Gift: A product made in the state of Arizona.

    What the Giver Meant: I have no social conscience.

    What the Receiver Thinks: I need better friends.



    ***

    The Gift: A Dodge Challenger!

    What the Giver Meant: It’s not like Chrysler is going to be around much longer.

    What the Receiver Thinks: I have the best friends.



    ***

    The Gift: A reclining chair with built-in massaging technology.

    What the Giver Meant: You’re a lazy bastard.

    What the Receiver Thinks: I wish it had come with a bedpan.

    ***

    The Gift: Tea Party Paraphernalia.

    What the Giver Meant: You're a crazy bastard.

    What the Receiver Thinks: ? (When dealing with the crazed, your guess is as good as mine.)

    ***

    The Gift: A copy of NERPoD.

    What the Giver Meant: Somebody, somewhere, should read this thing.

    What the Receiver Thinks: Was the bookstore out of Secret Historian?



    ***

    The Gift: A humidifier and a tub of Vick’s vapor rub.

    What the Giver Meant: You’re a sickly bastard.

    What the Receiver Thinks: (Unable to receive gift because you are in bed).

    ***

    The Gift: Your own blog.

    What the Giver Meant: You’re a whining bastard. Now you can vent your spleen without me having to listen to it.

    What the Receiver Thinks: This would have been interesting... Five years ago (Unless you are an academic, in which case you feel really hip having a blog).

    ***



    The Gift: A wildly inappropriate airport screening procedure.

    What the Giver Meant: Hey, if we make this a big enough dog and pony show nobody will notice that we blew an obscene amount of money on machines that will do nothing to make us safer.

    What the Receiver Thinks: Basic human dignity was overrated.




    ***
    The Gift: A gift card.

    What the Giver Meant: You’re an impossible-to-shop-for bastard.

    What the Receiver Thinks: You shouldn’t have gone to the trouble! Cash would have been just fine.

    ***

    The Gift: A Wii entertainment center.

    What the Giver Meant: You’re an adolescent bastard.

    What the Receiver Thinks: We are so having a slumber party this weekend.

    ***

    The Gift: An ipad.

    What the Giver Meant: I am a slave to the Apple corporation and have confused capitalist brand identification with actual individuality.

    What the Receiver Thinks: Here is an overpriced toy that will end up sitting in a drawer in six months.

    ***

    The Gift: A window’s based PC tablet.

    What the Giver Meant: I was too cheap to buy the ipad.

    What the Receiver Thinks: Why is it on fire?

    ***

    The Gift: An all expense paid trip to Madrid!

    What the Giver Meant: The holidays are meant to be enjoyed.

    What the Receiver Thinks: This is the best present, ever!


    ***

    The Gift: A trip to see your family that you have to pay for yourself!

    What the Giver Meant: The holidays are meant to be endured.

    What the Receiver Thinks: Life is suffering.

    ***

    The Gift: Diamonds!

    What the Giver Meant: You’re a greedy bastard.

    What the Receiver Thinks: Marilyn was right.


    ***

    The Gift: A key holder disguised as a realistic rock.

    What the Giver Meant: You’re a forgetful bastard.

    What the Receiver Thinks: Where am I?

    ***

    The Gift: A lava lamp.

    What the Giver Meant: You’re a stoned bastard.

    What the Receiver Thinks: Where am I?

    ***

    The Gift: The soundtrack for Burlesque.

    What the Giver Meant: You’re a campy bastard.

    What the Receiver Thinks: I missed my calling as a Cher drag queen.

    ***

    The Gift: The Clapper.

    What the Giver Meant: You’re an old bastard.

    What the Receiver Thinks: Well, I suppose it is better than the clap.

    ***

    The Gift: A Tom and Jerry bowl with matching cups.

    What the Giver Meant: You’re a weird bastard.

    What the Receiver Thinks: Now my 1930s dish collection is complete!


    ***

    The Gift: A three-month membership to a gym.

    What the Giver Meant: You’re a fat bastard.

    What the Receiver Thinks: You’re just a bastard.

Thursday, December 09, 2010

Center of Fabulous

Remember that Part II of my discussion with VUBOQ can be found here. In this addition, VUBOQ shares his special holiday cocktail recipes. It's like blogging with Martha Stewart. Well, if Martha Stwart were a gay man. What am I saying? "If!"

There is even more sequins, glitter, and Cher!

Wednesday, December 08, 2010

Inside the Blogging Studio with VUBOQ


Over the past five years, blogging has allowed me to meet some mighty cool people in real life. On that list is the ever effervescent VUBOQ (not to mention his superfantabulous cuzin who happens to be my superfantabulous neighbor). The time had come for us to sit down for a special holiday spectacular:

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VUBOQ: As you all know, GayProf is Full of the Gravitas. However, I am lucky enough to know the GayProf in the Real Life (yay! You may all envy/worship me). And, since I know him in the Real Life, I know that he is not always Full of the Gravitas. Sometimes he is Full of the Light-Heartedness and Fun and, sometimes he can be a little bit silly (especially after a couple of bottles of red wine).

GayProf: Ugh – I was full of the Spanish red. Man, I still have a hangover from your visit.

VUBOQ: So, for this joint post, my goal is to show the rest of Blogtopia this side of the GayProf. We are going to discuss the fun, the frivolous, the sparkly, the glittery, and the tons of f**king sequins.



But, we are going to start with the Food (and the booze!) ...

I had the very good fortune to visit GayProf in Midwestern Funky Town recently (you may have read about it!). During that visit, he taught me and my superfantabulous cuzin how to make tamales. For those of you who don't know, GayProf is from New Mexico, which is not a foreign country (*cough* right *cough*). BUT, they do make foreign food ... like tamales! Normally, the tamales are made with the pork products. Such as pork. and lard. However, GayProf, knowing that I am vegetarian and have eschewed all meat, made his beloved tamales without the pieces of shredded and mutilated dead pig. Our tamales were made with Crisco© (*gasp*) and beans.


GayProf: I still can’t believe that I grew up believing that Crisco© was somehow a healthy alternative to lard. They lied to me! Lard is really the only way to go. It is the secret ingredient to all great Mexican cooking.

VUBOQ: Piglet (no matter how delicious he may be) did not die for our tamales. And they were YUMMERz. Really. Ask the GayProf's Sparkly Contingent of Gays who were at his little dinner party (we'll be discussing the place settings later ... trust me).

GayProf: You’re not going to mock my dishmania, are you?

VUBOQ: Never. I may playfully poke fun, though. Anyway, his willingness to cast aside his love for Cruelly Raised and Brutally Slaughtered Pigs just for my eating preference is yet another reason I totes *heart* the GayProf.



GayProf: It turns out that I was eager to try a tamale alternative to my usual (absurdly delicious) pork filled versions. Beans worked out pretty well. It does make me wonder, though, why Mexican food in general doesn’t get the respect it deserves. To my mind, it is one of the classic world cuisines: easily identifiable and supremely influential. Yet, the only time the mainstream media gives it any credit is if a white boy adopted it (i.e. Bobby Flay or Rick Balis).

VUBOQ: Which brings us to the main point of this section: VEGETARIAN COOKING. It really isn't that difficult. And modifying UberMeaty recipes into something a vegetarian can eat isn't that difficult. Right, GayProf?

GayProf: Vegetarian cooking is hell. It’s only because I adore you so that I even attempt it.



You see, I only know how to make basically six things. Five of them involve meat in some form or another. I was glad that the bean tamales turned out somewhat okay. Otherwise it would have been quiche forever.

VUBOQ: There is nothing wrong with the quiche. Real men eat it, I hear.

GayProf: Don’t get me wrong, I admire the vegetarians (less so the vegans, who just take things too damn far (Hate mail for GayProf can be sent in care of VUBOQ at blogspot.com)). If I spend anytime thinking about the way animals suffer for our food, it makes me want to be a vegetarian. But, then I don’t think about it. La-la-la-la-la-la – Can’t hear you. I am pretty weak willed when it comes to meat, as it turns out.

Still, I’m not somebody who has to eat meat everyday. I am more than happy to have a basic bean burrito as my meal. Plus, I adore tofu. As I recall, somebody was supposed to give me a cooking lesson with tofu while he visited. **cough-cough**

It does remind me of those faux vegetarians we talked about while you were in MFT. I’ll do my best to accommodate guests who are really committed to vegetarianism (or who have similar religious convictions), but I have no patience for the people who are “vegetarian,” but make exceptions for seafood. What evidence is there that a tuna is somehow less likely to suffer pain and panic than a chicken? Frankly, it seems likely to me that a tuna is probably a bit smarter than chickens. And, as cooking goes, few things are more cruel than lobster and crab. Vegetarians who eat seafood are like people who claim that they are kosher, except they love a side of bacon in a thick cream gravy every now and again. I’m not sayin’, I’m just sayin’.

VUBOQ: Yes, the fake vegetarians grate on my last nerve. Although, I have found that their calling themselves “vegetarian” is because they don’t know the correct word for their particular eating habits. Fish-eating vegetarians are pescatarians, derived from the Greek root “pesce” meaning “not a vegetarian.” Vegetarians who eat chicken (or any other meat product) are Filthy Dirty Liars.

Haha! I kid. Vegetarians, who sometimes supplement their diets with the flesh of dead animals, are flexitarians. See? You can learn something and still be sparkly and fabulous. Now, go forth and educate the masses!


GayProf: Flexitarians? I thought that was a category on Manhunt.

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Tune in tomorrow at VUBOQ's place for the conclusion of our musings.