Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Can't Get a Date?

Recently, I developed a theory. Perhaps world leaders engage in destructive practices because they don’t have enough love in their personal lives. Maybe the globe has become a punching-bag for all of these folks to express their frustration at not having found their soul mate.

As a result, the Center of Gravtias will now provide a new service to these public figures. Being a volunteering type of guy, I have offered to start a dating site. All of these leaders have submitted their personal ads to me in hopes of finding a better match than their current spouses. I asked them some basic questions that you find on most dating sites. I think it will pay off for them.

Let’s take a look, shall we?

***


    Real Name: George Bush, Jr.

    Handle: Señor Prez.

    Which Celebrity Do People Think You Most Resemble? Bonzo, the Chimp

    Which Historical Figures Do You Most Admire? The Man in the Yellow Hat – Man, he sure loved that little curious monkey.

    Also, I like that George Washington fellow. The interesting thing about him is that I read three -- three or four books about him last year. Isn't that interesting?

    What Was the Best Moment in Your Life? I would say the best moment of all was when I caught a 7.5 pound largemouth bass in my lake.

    What are you looking for in a life partner? A good woman who will stand by her man no matter how many times she has to explain the rules of Chutes and Ladders. Or maybe a helper monkey.

    Hobbies: Baseball, Collecting Stickers, Shirking My Duties to the Nation

    How Did Your Last Relationship End? Laura caught me using the crayons on the walls again. She really hated that. She nagged me too much. She kept thinking that I couldn’t understand simple objectives -- like literacy, literacy in math, the ability to read and write. Laura also started smashing up my pretzels for me.

    Tell Us About Your Most Embarrassing Moment: Hiding in Air Force One’s toilet during September 11.

    Personal Essay:

    I’m the type of guy who reads. My ex wife, Laura said you ought to try Camus. I also read three Shakespeares. ... I've got a eck-a-lec-tic reading list.

    This time around, I want a relationship that’s more interacted like. If you go out with me, you know that I am a take charge type of guy. I'm the decider, and I decide where we will eat. If I decide that we are going to eat seafood, then we eat fish.

    I hate to travel. My current job makes me travel too much. One time I was in that Brazil place and the president showed me a map. Wow! Brazil is big.

    ***

    Real Name: Anthony “Tony” Blair

    Handle: Poodle Boy

    Which Celebrity Do People Think You Most Resemble? Paris Hilton’s Dog Tinkerbell

    Which Historical Figures Do You Most Admire? George W. Bush

    What Was the Best Moment in Your Life? When I first met George W. Bush.

    What are you looking for in a life partner? George W. Bush.

    Hobbies: Listening to George W. Bush, Doing Whatever George W. Bush asks me to do, Waiting for George W. Bush to Call Me, knitting

    How Did Your Last Relationship End? She wasn't George W. Bush.

    Tell Us About Your Most Embarrassing Moment: When George W. Bush pretended like he didn’t know me.

    Personal Essay:

    Only one person on this earth holds my attention and that is George W. Bush. He is bold. He is the decider. He decides things for me all the time.

    Bush is the heart, the soul, the nerve, and the reality of Tony Blair. There is only one man in my heart with his own source of light. I feed off of that light. And that man is George W. Bush.

    I don’t understand why people give him such a rough time. It is not a sensible or intelligent response for us in Europe to ridicule American argument or parody their political leadership. Instead, we should embrace them. Oh, how I long to embrace George W. Bush.

    When I last saw him at the G8 summit, I gave him a sweater. In fact, I knitted it.

    Tell him to call me. I can't live without him.

    ***

    Real Name: Alberto Gonzales

    Handle: Watcher

    Which Celebrity Do People Think You Most Resemble? The Jawas from Star Wars.

    Which Historical Figures Do You Most Admire? Porfirio Díaz and J. Edgar Hoover

    What Was the Best Moment in Your Life? When I was able to make it legal for me to listen in on people’s private phone conversations. No more sneaking around! Finally, I could do it without shame. Good times, good times.

    Hobbies: Listening to People’s Phone Conversations, Watching People Through Windows, Going Through People’s Mail, Embarrassing Latinos Everywhere

    What are you looking for in a life partner? I want somebody who is a home body, but doesn’t need to be too near me all the time. I prefer a relationship where there can also be some distance. My ideal evening would be watching the woman I love cook a meal – as I hide in the bushes across the street with binoculars. Now that’s romance!

    How Did Your Last Relationship End? She went to the Supreme Court for a cease and desist ruling.

    Tell Us About Your Most Embarrassing Moment: The most embarrassing moment was when Condi found me reading her diary. Man, though, that girl talks a lot about Lauren Green.

    Personal Essay:

    I don’t have to answer this part. There are, for example, exemptions in FOIA in which the government can withhold certain kinds of information, and the courts have recognized that there is certain documentation that do deserve protection, that certain privileges do apply and do deserve protection. I consider this one of those times.

    ***

    Real Name: Condoleezza Rice

    Handle: FoxyMama

    Which Celebrity Do People Think You Most Resemble? Lucy Van Pelt

    Which Historical Figures Do You Most Admire? Joseph Stalin and Mao Zedong for their strength of will.

    What Was the Best Moment in Your Life: Going back to my birth place, Birmingham, Alabama. After achieving so much by gaining an education and working in government, I was glad to be able to go home and laugh at all the poor people who still live there. That was great.

    What are you looking for in a life partner? They must have a will like iron and a soul as cold as the grave. It would be nice if they could cook, too.

    Hobbies: Dominating the World, Misleading Diplomats, Trying Out New Hairdos

    How Did Your Last Relationship End? I unhinged my jaw and swallowed him whole.

    Tell Us About Your Most Embarrassing Moment: I don’t make mistakes. Did you know that I could have you killed for suggesting that?

    Personal Essay: I’m just a simple girl who plays the piano and loves good art. Basically, I am looking for my equal. But my romantic partner will still have to be willing to do my bidding and never question my judgement. The last thing I want is a tyrant in my house

    Don’t cross me. I don’t need to remind everybody that tyrants don't respond to any kind of appeasement. Tyrants don't respond to negotiation. Tyrants respond to toughness. I am tough. Grrr. Hear me roar.

    My relationships are like my music. I love Brahms because Brahms is actually structured. And he's passionate without being sentimental. I don't like sentimental music, so I tend not to like Liszt, and I don't actually much care for the Russian romantics Tchaikovsky and Rachmaninoff, where it's all on the sleeve. With Brahms it's restrained, and there's a sense of tension that never resolves.

    ***

    Real Name: Donald Rumsfeld

    Handle: Rummy

    Which Celebrity Do People Think You Most Resemble? The Talking Trees from The Wizard of Oz

    Which Historical Figures Do You Most Admire? Ghengis Khan, Attila the Hun

    What Was the Best Moment in Your Life? Being able to start two wars! I am working on a third right now. People give war such a bad rep. Death has a tendency to encourage a depressing view of war.

    What are you looking for in a life partner? I want somebody who knows how to drive a tank.

    Hobbies: Invading nations, Undermining Foreign Governments, Lighting Things on Fire

    How Did Your Last Relationship End: You're thinking of my wife as the woman I am married to. I don't. I think that's old wife.

    Tell Us About Your Most Embarrassing Moment: Oh my goodness gracious! Probably when I said that we knew where the weapons of mass destruction were in Iraq.

    Personal Essay:

    Don't "overcontrol" like a novice pilot. Stay loose enough from the flow that you can observe, calibrate and refine.

    I don't do quagmires.

    I don't do diplomacy.

    I don't do foreign policy.

    I don't do predictions.

    I don't do numbers.

    I don't do book reviews.

    Call me.


Of course, the Center of Gravitas will also permit television personalities to use this new service as well:



    Real Name: Jeffrey, from Project Runway

    Handle: Asshole

    Which Celebrity Do People Think You Most Resemble? The Illustrated Man

    Which Historical Figures Do You Most Admire? John Lydon (a.k.a. Johnny Rotten), Don Rickles

    What Was the Best Moment in Your Life? When I made Angela’s mother cry.

    What are you looking for in a life partner? I want somebody who doesn’t question me about anything ever. I am always right. Always. Shut up.

    Hobbies: Praising myself, Admiring myself, Dress making, Appreciating myself

    How Did Your Last Relationship End? I have never had a relationship. For some reason, nobody wants to spend more than five minutes with me.

    Tell Us About Your Most Embarrassing Moment: When I saw how silly my tattoos look on t.v.

    Personal Essay:

    Everybody sucks except for me. Nobody has talent like I have talent. Compared to me, you all are worthless. Everybody is persecuting me. I hate everything. Waaaaaaaa.

    I just don’t understand why I don’t have a serious relationship. I have so much love to give.


Finally, the last one never submitted his paperwork. So I decided to go ahead and fill this one out on his behalf:


    Real Name: Anderson Cooper

    Handle: Coops

    Which Celebrity Do People Think You Most Resemble? Anderson Cooper

    Which Historical Figures Do You Most Admire? Emiliano Zapata and Dolores Huerta

    What Was the Best Moment in Your Life? Being mentioned on an obscure gay blog.

    What are you looking for in a life partner? I am looking for a university professor with dark hair, eyes, and goatee. Preferably somebody who studies race, gender, and sexuality.

    Hobbies: News stuff

    How Did Your Last Relationship End? I just felt that I could make a better connection if I found somebody who was born and raised in New Mexico.

    Tell Us About Your Most Embarrassing Moment: Well, I am still not out of the closet in a fully public way. That’s a mark of shame.

    Personal Essay:

    I can sum up what I am looking for in one word: gravitas.


Let the magic happen, people.

22 comments:

Chad said...

Bravo! I particularly liked Tony Blair's. BLAIR N BUSH EVAR!!!!11!!1!

Ever since my own crush on the show, Robert, got booted but Jeffrey stayed, I couldn't watch it anymore. Well, that and because for such an arrogant fashion Nazi, Jeffrey seems to very rarely dress himself properly, something which even I perceived despite the fact that my gay genome lacks the fashion sense DNA.

Roger Owen Green said...

Hysterical! Well, I don't watch Project Runway, but the politicos were dead on. Rumsfeld as an Oz tree - brilliant!

But, where oh, where, could AC find "a university professor with dark hair, eyes, and goatee. Preferably somebody who studies race, gender, and sexuality." Those are pretty narrow parameters. Do you think there's ANYONE out there like that?

MaggieMay said...

Just brilliant, and so totally accurate.

Larry said...

Thanks a lot Gayprof-- I nearly choked on my morning yogurt when I got to the part about Condi unhinging her jaw to swallow her last partner whole :)

Doug said...

Spectacular and unimpeachable!

Two thumbs up! Way up!

vuboq said...

Suddenly, I'm so confused. Men who knit = hot. Men who like G.W.B. = not hot. What should I think about Tony Blair, now? WHAT?

The Persian said...

Great job, very funny!

Kalvin said...

I did really enjoy this. Oddly enough, I'm starting to like Jeffrey's designs more and more, and I really thought it was Kayne's time to go.

I think it would be fun to see your answers to the quesitons though too...

Bardiac said...

I think Anderson Cooper's also looking for someone with a wicked sense of humor. Wonder if there's someone like that around... hmmm, anybody?

GayProf said...

Chad: We all miss Robert. Sigh Let's be honest, though, he really blew it several times. I mean, if anybody should have been able to come up with a suit for Jackie O, it should have been Robert. Come on – An a-line skirt, wool suit? That has Robert stamped all over it. Yet, he made some weird linen thing.

VUBOQ: Blair only knits to please GWB. I don't think qualifies him as a true knitter.

Kalvin: I never understood the interest in Kayne. He seemed too young and inexperienced to me. Unlike the judges (As an aside, I wish that Vera Wang had permanently replaced Kors), I don’t think it was a matter of innate taste. Rather, he just needed to learn more.

My money is on Michael. I have liked almost everything he did (except the infamous blue bunny-ears dress). Plus, he doesn't have an ego. He takes advice seriously and tries to make his work better. I adore him.

As for my answers to these questions, take a look again at Cooper's answers. Beyond looking like him (which I don't), they could just as easily have from been me.

Yes, it’s true. If I wasn't so busy, I would date myself.

jpdc said...

The jawas from Star Wars? Tinkerbell? How do you come up with this stuff and how much would I have to pay you to teach me?

Will said...

Delightful! And I'm sure GWB is thrilled that you're putting this out on the Internetss for him

Gareth said...

Who on earth is Anderson Cooper, and can you send him my way, he is as they say in the valleys of Wales 'Lush'.

Da Nator said...

Fucking Brilliant. I bow before you.

BTW, Michael's my favourite, too, with Laura in second.

MEK the Bear said...

I snorted. At work. It wasn't pretty. But I wouldn't have it any other way! Brava!

tornwordo said...

How Did Your Last Relationship End? I unhinged my jaw and swallowed him whole.

That made me spit wine all over my screen. God that was funny. Humor always works best when rooted in pain, eh?

Kate said...

I want to see Condi's jaw unhinged as she eats someone. Kind of with the same sick fascination I watch nor'easters.

I truly hope Coops finds who he's looking for. I just know he could find him, if we could only direct him where to look...

Christopher said...

1. I'm glad everyone is waking up to the fact that we have a Peanuts character running our national diplomacy! Bless you, Gayprof!

2. Jeffrey is vile and horrid, and not in a fun Santino sort of way. However, the show was so dull with Vera Wang. I was quite happy when wack-a-doo Oompa Loompa judge returned to the fold. Michael for the win!

3. Prof, I have told you before to keep your mitts off my Andy. I will cut you.

Stash said...

tIf Anderson Cooper can't get a date, then it truly is the end of the world.

Tree of Knowledge said...

Beautiful, just beautiful.

"In fact, I knitted it."--Awesome.

Cooper said...

mmmm, Anderson Cooper... prrrrr. :)

.25 life crisis kid said...

this was smart!