Baby Makes Three

News of Mary Cheney’s pregnancy has the nation talking. Such a high profile lesbian having a baby must be giving the far right wing many nightmarish nights. Those on the left can only see Mary Cheney as a colossal hypocrite. She has a lot of nerve after spending so much time working for a campaign that undermined the rights of people just like her to have children.

For me, though, I am just horrified at the idea of any Cheney reproducing again. Obviously, notions of eugenics scare me. In the case of the Cheneys, though, I might make an exception. As a nation, can’t we say that family should just end with the current generation? How much more evil must we endure?

Some argue, though, that such a public right-wing figure having a baby in a same-sex family does the whole queer population some good. Indeed, Mary currently has several nominations for Joe.My.God’s Queer of the Year. If you think that there are other queer folk more deserving of this honor, amble on over to Joe’s and submit a nomination by December 15.

As for me, you know how I get. Though Mary lacks basic human decency, I still think that all queer folk need to support each other. As distasteful as it is, we can’t just disown Mary from our ranks . . . Can we? Seriously, I am asking. Is that possible? Maybe some sort of petition? Or a legal ruling that would prevent her from calling herself a lesbian? Can we trademark that term?

Of course, I kid. In the non-sectarian, non-denominational spirit of the winter holidays, I want to help Mary plan for her new baby. Therefore, here is a potential gift list that will cater to the specific needs of the Cheney-Poe baby:

Baby wipes – You can never have too many.

Extra blankets

Packages of onesies – I hear from parents that you go through tons of these, what with all of the vomiting and shitting. Why does anybody ever want a baby?

Terrycloth mother substitute from the Harry Harlow monkey experiments – Lord knows with a mother as cold and soulless as Mary Cheney, that child is going to need something warm to hold.



Full translation of the Qu’ran for those rebellious teen years.

A Constitutional Amendment protecting her mothers’ basic civil rights.

The complete Curious George set. This isn’t really for the baby, but to keep Uncle Georgie Bush entertained when he visits.

Thank you note from all the other children born at the exact same time expressing their gratitude for not having ended up as the grandchild of Dick Cheney.

Extra cases of formula. Breast-milk is usually best, but would you want to put your lips on Mary Cheney’s nipple? Think of the child’s basic human rights.

The number for Christina Crawford’s literary agent. Tell me that this baby’s life won’t be a NBC telemovie in thirty years.

Gift certificates for plastic surgery. Would you want to look like a Cheney?

Get-out-of-jail-free-card to smack Mary around if his or her name includes the word “Coors.” Ditto if it includes the words “George,” “Walker,” or “Bush.” Why not just name the baby Adolf and be done with it?

Baby monitor – Well, come to think of it, that might not be necessary. Alberto Gonzáles probably has the whole house wired up. He can just come over when he hears a crisis.

Multiple orange vests to prevent being mistaken for a quail by a certain grandfather.



Snoopy sheet set.

Round-the-clock tutors. If this child’s intelligence comes from the rest of the Cheneys, it’s going to be one dumb little monkey. Let’s hope that Mary paid a few extra bucks for some Noble-Prize winning sperm.

Written guarantees that this baby is not actually property of Halliburton or one of its subsidiaries.

Flash cards so that the baby can learn the tiny differences between its grandfather and Penguin, Batman's archenemy.







Court-ordered weekends with a well adjusted lesbian couple. This baby, after all, will want to be around healthy queers and surely appreciate the time away from crazy Mary and Heather.

Baby’s “My First Ethically Questionable Act” photo frame.

Pre-filled out paperwork to change her or his last name upon reaching adulthood. Who would want to be a Cheney? Save the child some work when he or she is eighteen.

Photo albums of the happy times in the United States before the baby's grandfather screwed over the nation.

A well-reasoned explanation about why he or she had to be born into a political family that made the Kennedy’s look downright normal.

Snake repellent, in case Condoleezza Rice drops by unexpectedly.



A copy of the book Heather Has Two Mommies. Alternatively, you can substitute Lynn Cheney’s lesbian erotica Sisters.

Twenty million dollars from Concerned Women for America for making this baby’s life an unpleasant living hell. Isn’t being a Cheney enough of a burden? Why do the Christian nuts have to make it even worse.

A fresh copy of the U.S. Constitution with the basic civil rights guarantees highlighted. Heck, somebody in that family should have one.

A t-shirt with the statement, “I am not self-hating, but my moms are.”

Years and years of prepaid therapy.