Hmm – Maybe it’s more like Eva Perón’s “Rainbow Tour” of Europe – only without the fascist undertones and migraine-inducing bun. Well, it’s mostly without those things. Of course, Eva wouldn’t have to shove all her liquids into a one quart zip-lock bag in some foolish attempt to make it look like the government is making us safe.
I am not always the best at allocating my time. As the due dates for these presentations lunged towards me, I realized that I go through some cycles as I try to write my presentations. These cycles, in turn, have observable material consequences.
Stage One: Denial
Internal Thinking: What presentations?
Self-Delusion: If I don’t think about the deadline, it doesn’t exist.
Status of Apartment: Mr. Clean would be glad to call it home.
Hours Spent on Task: Computer is on 4:00pm to 4:10 pm
Time is Spent: Goofing off, going out with friends, spending time at the gym, masturbating.
Stage Two: Procrastinating
Internal Thinking: Okay, I have those presentations in a couple of weeks, but there is still plenty of time.
Self-Delusion: If I start now, I would just forget everything by the time I left Boston anyway.
Status of Apartment: Everything in the apartment has now moved to a new level of immaculateness. Rather than writing, I am more than happy to scrub the kitchen sink or vacuum.
Time is Spent: Reading blogs, scrubbing, watching t.v., still going to the gym, masturbating.
Hours Spent on Task: Computer is on 9:00am to 6:00pm, but usually is spent reading blogs or surfing e-bay for the perfect casserole dish from the 1940s.
Stage Three: Guilt
Internal Thinking: Why am I being so lazy? Must work more.
Self-Delusion: Then again, everybody takes a little time off.
Status of Apartment: Still immaculate, but laundry starts to build up in closet.
Time is Spent: Alternate between typing and chastising myself for not embracing the notion that “work makes life sweet.” Also, masturbating.
Hours Spent on Task: Computer is on 9:00am-2:00pm, but leave early to go to the gym to work off stress.
Stage Four: Anxiety
Internal Thinking: Oh.My.God – I am in serious trouble and will never get this done in time.
Self-Delusion: As long as I am typing, I must be making progress.
Status of Apartment: Bathroom is still clean, but dishes start to accumulate in sink. Laundry prevents closet door from being closed
Time is Spent: Alternate between typing and worrying that the stress will make my hair fall out. Masturbating.
Hours Spent on Task: Computer is on 9:00am-8:00pm with shorter gym time.
Stage Five: Peak Efficiency
Internal Thinking: See? All I needed was a little bit of panic.
Self-Delusion: Nothing will slow me down again.
Status of Apartment: Too busy to notice.
Time is Spent: Typing, contemplating, and typing some more, then masturbating.
Hours Spent on Task: Computer is on 9:00am-8:00pm, but still squeeze in a blog entry here and there. Gym time is eliminated.
Stage Six: Cocky
Internal Thinking: Why am I busting myself over the chops? I should take a little time off.
Self-Delusion: I have plenty of time and know my work inside and out.
Status of Apartment: Instead of cleaning, I toss a tablet into the toilet tank to make the water blue; dishes developing mold in sink (decide to start eating out more); laundry now where ever I took off my clothes.
Time is Spent: Sleeping, taking long walks, leisurely reading and updating blog.
Hours Spent on Task: Computer is on 12:00pm-2:00pm. Return to normal gym schedule
Stage Seven: Panic
Internal Thinking: Aaaaagh...
Self-Delusion: Now that my career is over, working at the McDonald’s drive-thru won’t be so bad.
Status of Apartment: Bathroom door is kept shut to avoid having to think about it; kitchen qualifies for federal disaster funding; I simply buy new clothes rather than laundering the ones that are piled up everywhere.
Time is Spent: Sweating, biting nails, masturbating.
Hours Spent on Task: Computer is on 8:00am-12:00am, only thinking about work with minor breaks to eat and sleep.
Stage Eight: Completion
Internal Thinking: Everything is going to be okay – The project is just about finished.
Self-Delusion: Next time, I won’t make the same mistakes. I am not going to repeat this cycle.
Status of Apartment: Bathroom only inhabitable for short periods; kitchen sink has evolved into its own civilization. Charlton Heston crash-lands near my dishwasher.
Time is Spent: Realizing that during the panic stage, I wrote material that is ten minutes too long for the presentation. Must now edit and make things concise -- Wishing that I was masturbating instead.
Hours Spent on Task: Computer is on 9:00 am to 10:00pm – Time is allotted to practice delivering talk.
Stage Nine: Recovery
Internal Thinking: That wasn’t so bad. Why all that panic?
Self-Delusion: My next presentation is decades away.
Status of Apartment: Decide to burn down apartment and start life over somewhere else once I finish recovery stage.
Time is Spent: Curled in a blanket; Watching DVD episode where Wonder Woman is attacked by killer toys; Wondering what other people do for a job; drinking; and masturbating with vigor.