Thursday, October 25, 2007

What to Wear, What to Wear, Trois

Trees are converting their wardrobe to outfits of flashy reds of yellows before getting naked for the winter. This can only mean that Halloween is just around the corner.

I had debated about hosting a Halloween party, but I didn’t quite get my shit together. Besides, there are two parties that I think are extremely difficult to host: Halloween and New Year’s Eve. In both instances, the guests’ expectations are quite high. Who wants that pressure? Therefore, I tricked convinced a friend to host a party instead.

This leaves me with my annual dilemma of which costume to wear. As we know from the previous two years, my lofty ambitions in a costume often yield disappointing results. Here is another list of the costume that I want and the actual thing that comes about:

    What I Aim for: The New Doctor Who



      Let’s face it, the doctor has it all. He is stylish, quirky, handsome, and a whole lot of fun. Plus, he comes with a screwdriver that can do much more than tighten bolts (if you know what I mean).


    What I End Up As: That Annoying Doctor Who with the Scarf



      What was the deal with the scarf? If the doctor could regenerate his body, why wouldn’t he choose a more attractive one? Or at least one with better teeth?


    What I Aim for: Grace Kelly in Rear Window



      Before she became a princess or the theme for a pop song, she was the cool blonde who helped Jimmy Stewart solve a murder. Don’t be fooled, though, by her ability to break-and-enter other people’s apartments. Her first love was fashion, which she demonstrated through an amazing set of stunning outfits.


    What I End Up As: Barbara Bel Geddes in Vertigo


      Before she became the matriarch of a Texan oil family, she was the unnoticed blonde who helped Jimmy Stewart recover from his fear of heights. Alas, of all of Hitchcock's female characters, I am most like ol' Midge.


    ***

    What I Aim for: Billie Holiday



      I will probably die with her still as my favorite singer of all time. Nobody could sing about pain, misery, and the unhappiness of love like Billie Holiday. Mostly because she had a uniquely unhappy life. Yet, she exuded cool.


    What I End Up As: Diana Ross Pretending to be Billie Holiday



      In the cold light of dawn, it’s hard to believe that people in 1972 imagined that Diana Ross would be an equivalent of Billie Holiday. It's even harder to imagine that they nominated her for an Oscar for doing it. Thirty years later,she is just a Diva who coincidentally could sing.



    What I Aim For: Raw Sewage



      It could be the most imaginative idea for a costume ever. Plus, there would be a political message of, um, don't pollute or something.


    What I End Up As: Ann Coulter



      Actually, I am not sure there really is a difference between the two.


    ***

    What I Aim for: The Snake Who Tricked Eve in the Garden of Eden



      Frankly, I always felt like the snake got unfairly blamed. He just wanted to spread a little knowledge. Or maybe he was just tired of seeing Adam and Eve’s junk flopping around in his nice little forest. He probably thought to himself, “I should get them some clothes – and modesty – and maybe a period.” Whatever the case, you can’t deny that the snake had some charm.


    What I End Up As: Condoleezza Rice



      It's an easy mistake. Prove to me that she can’t unhinge her jaw at will.


    ***

    What I Aim For: E. T.



      For those of us of a certain age, Spielberg’s syrupy story of a lost alien shaped our imaginations. It also introduced Drew Barrymore (who would have a complicated life) to a nation that fell in love with her. An E. T. costume could have nostalgic appeal.


    What I End Up As: Nancy Reagan


      During the eighties, I was never convinced that Nancy was of this planet. Instead of just saying "no," maybe she should phone home. Whatever the case, who wants to look like that?


    ***

    What I Aim for: Glenda, the Good Witch of the North



      Why should the Wicked Witch of the West get all of the attention? I mean, she was wicked (Yes, I read the novel Wicked. I liked the premise more than the execution (which was not all that interesting). No, I have no plans to the see the musical). Besides, any opportunity that I have to say “Fuck You” to the politics of the South, I take it. The Good Witch of the North implies that in my mind.


    What I End Up As: That Annoying Doctor Who with the Scarf



      Aw, man – How did I end up with him again? Damn it. I am really bad at this costume stuff.


    ***

    What I aim For: Chrissie Hynde from the Pretenders



      From Ohio to the British Punk Scene, Chrissie Hynde did it all. For my adolescence, nobody had songs more apt for sitting in the bedroom crying over unrequited love. Who wouldn’t want to comb our bangs, put on some black mascara, and sharpen up the eyeliner pencil? I want brass in pocket.



    What I End Up As: Lindsey Lohan



      I don’t think that I could name a single song Lohan produced. Did she come up with a critique of Reagan America framed through her return to Ohio? I don’t think so. She was in the Herbie movie, though, right? Or did she just crash a VW into a tree while driving drunk?


    ***

    What I Aim for: Emiliano Zapata



      I generally oppose violence, but I have to admit there is something oddly calming about Zapata’s image all decked out in guns and bullets. It just makes me feel safer. Zapata will forever be remembered for battling social injustice under the banner ¡Tierra y Libertad! – Well, except in the U.S., where he is not really remembered at all.


    What I End Up As: Victoriano Huerta



      One of Zapata’s most notorious enemies, Huerta wanted to spread his brutal military dictatorship across Mexico. I know that my primary disappointment with this costume should be about Huerta’s cruelty and bloodlust. In reality, though, I just don’t want to be that toady ugly. Seriously – the man was a hobgoblin. Shouldn’t he have been tossing out riddles at some bridge rather than trying to control Mexico?


    ***

    What I Aim for: FDR



      Franklin Roosevelt provided calm to a nation weary with the Depression. Granted, he didn’t really solve the economic crisis. If I could, though, I would make my Halloween costume the kick-off for a presidential campaign for a new New Deal. Besides, he is the only man who could really pull off a cigarette holder. Well, except maybe the Penguin from Batman.


    What I End Up As: Charlie McCarthy



      This joke really only works for the octogenarians who read CoG. I am sure that they are a major part of my demographic, so I tossed them a bone.


    ***

    What I Aim For: Any Costume with Imagination


      Let’s face facts: The gays take this holiday damn seriously. The other night, a friend of mine mentioned that he didn’t believe that a costume that took less than four months of planning should even leave the door. What is a boy to do?


    What I End Up With: My Same Tired Sailor Costume that I have Worn for the Past Three Years


      It sure is a good thing that I keep moving around the nation. That way, my sailor costume will at least seem new to the people around me. Besides, I like my sailor outfit. After all, you have to dress like what you want to go home with.

35 comments:

Marlan said...

Oh heavens. I'm wearing an airport security/cop outfit this year. I hope I'm not escorted home by one!

And Chrissy Hynde--I am going to lose it. Great voice.

baron scarpia said...

Let me be the first to say this -

WHAT? HOW DARE YOU SCORN THE FOURTH DOCTOR AND HIS SCARF! PREPARE TO FEEL MY ETERNAL WRATH, MORTAL!

More seriously, Baker is one of the most popular Doctors (and yes, he's my personal favourite) so you're rather swimming against public opinion on this one.

And preferring David Tennant over him? If you're talking about whom you want to sleep with I can see your point, but Baker was by far the better Doctor. And he also had a sonic screwdriver. (Incidentally, Time Lords have no control over their looks when they regenerate)

And with that I'll shut up now. I'm aware it's slightly too late to hide from you that I'm a Doctor Who geek, but still...

tornwordo said...

I think you should go as Marcel Marceau. You know recently dead guys are always winning costumes, and his is so easy. Black and white striped shirt, black pants, white face and the red flower pinned on. Then you mime everything for the night.

MaggieMay said...

You look quite dashing in your sailor outfit, my dear Gay Prof!

M-Dub said...

I'm wearing the dentist's chair this year, alas. I went as the devil last year and everyone at work said it fit me. Needless to say I'm not dressing up at work again!

PS Um, yum! What's up with you being so cute? Now I have thoughts of naughty professors in the noggin. Maybe that's what my costume will be!

vuboq said...

too much time spent planning the Annual BYOP Pumpkin Carving Party means no time planning a Halloween costume. I'm think of buying one of those "masks on a stick" thing that you see all the hot ladies use in films with masquerade balls. Maybe something with feathers! Lots of feathers!

pacalaga said...

Go as the sexiest man alive. Then just pick something at random out of your closet.
/shameless buttkissing

I'm pretty sure you could pull off Cleopatra if you could find a good rental shop.

Steven said...

What an enjoyable post! I loved the raw sewage/Ann Coulter comparison. I'm doing a different one than I did 2 weeks ago.

Atari_Age said...

Nah, do the FDR/McCarthy one. A) You'll look elegant as either one. B) If you do the extendo-cigarette thing, I think you'll cinch the FDR look. Though, yeah, only among us old fogies.

adjunct whore said...

1. i adore billie holiday too. her music is sublime.
2. chrissy hynde is pretty hot also.
3. poor conde rice...that image is stultifying.
4. while i agree with MM that you look dashing in your sailor outfit--is there more than a hat?--i think E.T. is a great idea. i just saw this again recently with art boy--i still get choked up--that kid is so adorable.

adjunct whore said...

and nobody can look like grace kelly....we are all midge in comparison.

Doug said...

Once again, you've created a post of wit and humor that educates.

I think you've just done the impossible: you've insulted raw sewage.

I second pascalaga's shameless buttkissing. In fact, I'll take the other cheek.

GayProf said...

Marlan: Say "Yes" to the cop, but "No" to the security guard.

Baron: I knew that would irritate the British. Seriously, though, what was the deal with the scarf?

Torn: Marcel Marceau would be great, but somehow I imagine that I would end up looking like Edith Piaf. . . And I mean the heroine-riddled Piaf, too.

MaggieMay: Aww -- Get out of here.

M-Dub: A dentist chair, eh? It sounds kinky.

VUBOQ: A mask on a stick is simple and elegant. Can't go wrong with the classic.

Pacalaga: Cleopatra would be great! She did have a goatee, right?

Steven: Does this mean you have two inventive costumes this year????! Oh, man, that puts me to shame.

Atari-Age: Well, at least it would be the perfect excuse to pick up that monocle that I have been wanting. . .

Adjunct Whore: Yeah, basically it's just the hat. I have tried with serious intent to find wool crackerjacks. It turns out, though, that they are scarce in my size. Apparently most men who join the Navy are around 18 and their bodies are significantly different than my 33 year old form. Size 28 waist? I don't think so.

Still, I can do for the Navy work uniform, which looks like this: light-blue denim shirt, dark denim jeans, and you are set. Well, as long as you have the hat. I also have a Navy pea coat, but really that is just the coat that I wear in life.

Doug: No need to crowd. There is plenty of ass for everybody.

Earl Cootie said...

I haven't becostumed myself for Halloween in well over a decade. I don't even drag out the old reliable scarecrow outfit anymore (also recycled through many cities, time periods). It just seems too much of a bother. Especially since I never have plans and shy away from parties. Pass the candy corns.

Baron Scarpia said...

Legend has it that the producers threw a couple of balls of wool at an old lady and asked for a scarf. She only stopped, apparently, when the wool ran out.

Given its iconic status - I think it's the most famous prop the Doctor's ever had, even surpassing the sonic screwdriver - there is no longer a single person in the UK who thinks it looks weird.

dykewife said...

i think you'd make a fabulous zorro. you should go for that one.

adjunct whore said...

i lurve that photo....seen it many times.

Artistic Soul said...

Happy Halloween!! :) Reminds me...I should check to see if my costume actually fits!

pacalaga said...

There is also no knitter who finds the iconic Dr. Who scarf weird, and many who have knit one (or more). I'm fairly certain I could point you in the direction of one or more who'd either make one or teach you, if you're inclined in that direction.

pacalaga said...

So (reading your comment on mine from last post, just to prove I really am a stalker), why not go as young Dumbledore? All the long flowing robes you want.

Roger Green said...

At least you seem to be going to a party for adults. We've been just invited to a party for three- and four-year-olds, and a costume party at that. This is a first, but probably not a last. Ya get no pity from me!

Chad said...

I thought about dressing as an alcoholic this year. I've always thought that I am supposed to be an alcoholic, but unfortunately I cannot afford too many drinks too many times. So that shouldn't be much of an effort for me at all.

Marius said...

Yeah, I love that last pic. You look great! Seriously, I need to go to New Mexico and find me a good man. :)

Oh, and I love Grace Kelly. I've thought about dressing up as Geraldo Rivera. How fun would that be? I just need a microphone and fake mustache.

Les said...

Did you just diss Tom Baker??!! Twice??!!

Wow, this puts me in a state of cognative dissonance. On the one hand, Gayprof is the voice of sanity and reason on the internet. On the other hand, I really want a scarf just like that. My gods, I think you might be wrong on this one Gayprof.

Perhaps you can make up for it by reviewing the season with Martha Jones? Has it aired yet in the US? I don't want to give away spoilers, but there's a lot of black people forced to act as maids and janitors. Also Capitan Jack returns, who is the sexiest person to ever be on Dr Who. I want to be him when I grow up.

lisalogic said...

That's it! The outfit in which Condoleeza toured all of Asia (Like, if cou only pack one outfit to meet several people, it better not be lemon)!
So, to stay true to the model, you'd have to wear that costume three days and three nights.

Laverne said...

In the Navy, you can sail the seven seas...
In the Navy, you can put your mind at ease...

Oh sorry, I started humming as soon as I saw that last picture of you.

God. It's next week, isn't it? I don't know what to wear. Junior high means EVERYONE dresses up, but it has to be clean.

I do have the ratty old witch costume I could drag out, yet again. I always struggle between the easy costume and the one which will make me look pretty.

Gah.

CoffeeDog said...

OMG I love this " What I Aim For / What I End Up As "

We're going to a halloween party tonight, two of them actually. I'm going to be V for Vendetta guy (from the movie)

GayProf said...

Earl: A scarecrow for a birder? Talk about going against type!

Baron2: I forgot to mention in my first response that almost all of my television viewing choices are dictated by how much I want to sleep with the men starring in it.

DykeWife: Zorro was my favorite costume from when I was a child. My parents, though, didn't bother to provide a photographic record of that costume. If I put more effort into my adult costumes, he would be high on the list.

Adjunct Whore: It has appeared many times on this site alone! Mmmm -- Sailors.

Artistic Soul: That's the down side of repeat costumes. They can be a gauge of how much weight one has gained or lost in a given year.

Pacalaga: I am also willing to consider costumes with long, flowing capes.

ROG: Wait -- Kids celebrate Halloween????!?!!

Chad:I thought about dressing as an alcoholic this year.

So you were going to go as GayProf?

Marius: It's true, the most beautiful people are from New Mexico.

Les: I like the character of Martha Jones, but have only seen two episodes with her. Nobody was enslaved in those, but I shudder at the possibilities.

I watch Torchwood because of Captain Jack (See note above about my gauge for watching t.v.). He is dreamy. Though I highly disapprove of the belt and suspenders outfit. Jesus, isn't he played by a gay man?

LisaLogic: For starters, yellow really isn't her color. Then, of course, there is the juxtaposition between sunshine yellow and a soul that is cold and icy.

Laverne: I wish more people in college dressed up. Sigh

CoffeeDog:Oooh -- V is a good choice (mostly because of the aforementioned long, flowing cape).

Curtis said...

But the sailor costume IS pretty cute, you know.

Baron Scarpia said...

You only watch programmes featuring the men you want to sleep with? That explains Torchwood, as Captain Jack is the only reason to watch it.

Frank said...

I say go with what works, and the sailor outfit TOTALLY works.

Oh, and the Fourth Doctor's probably the most beloved one, so be prepared to be exterminated. Personally, also, I prefer Nine to Ten. I'm all about the leather! *LOL*

bardelf said...

Happy Halloween, sailor!

Anonymous said...

Great costume ideas & pictures. young

Mel said...

I so loved Midge. She deserved better.

And three years running isn't too bad on a costume. My neighbor in Pittsburgh wore her angel costume from her eighth grade Hebrew school pageant every single year for Halloween. Had been doing so since eighth grade. We're talking two-and-a-half decades. You got nothing on her.

Sim said...

Well me and my family is planing to wear a superhero costume's. like a team. Hmm.. like Justice League or Fantastic Four or he man and the team.. Some thing which has four members(As we are also four). I enjoyed your post.