Friday, June 27, 2008

Happy Birthday, Mr. GayProf

Now that I have recovered from my throat eating bacterial infection, I can think of more pleasant things. And what is more pleasant than my birthday? Yes, this weekend GayProf’s odometer rolls over to 34.

I find it hard to believe my birthday is already here. Where has the summer gone? Oh, right – The Never Ending Research Project of Doom and illness. Hey, it can’t all be sunshine and lollipops.

As is tradition at CoG, it’s time to break out the ol’ subjunctive mood. Let’s measure my life against where other people were at the same age. :

    If I were Jacqueline Kennedy at age thirty-four, I would have moved out of the White House last year following the untimely death of my husband.

    If I were John F. Kennedy, I would currently be serving in the U.S. House of Representatives. I would meet Jacqueline Bouvier next year.

    If I were Jesus at age thirty-four, I would have been dead for one year.

    If I were Mary Richards at age thirty-four, I would have moved to Minneapolis four years ago. It would be abundantly clear that I was going to make it after all.

    If I were Cher, this would be the year that I formed the doomed band Black Rose. It would be two years before I starred in Come Back to the Five and Dime, Jimmy Dean, Jimmy Dean on Broadway.

    If I were James Dean, I would have been dead for ten years.

    If I were Cleopatra VII, I would be Queen of Egypt and Cyprus.

    If I were Julius Caesar, it would be another sixteen years before I would meet Cleopatra VII.

    If I were Mark Antony, it would be another seven years before I started an affair with Cleopatra VII.

    If I were Montgomery Clift, I would be enjoying critical acclaim for my role in From Here to Eternity. In two years, I will smash my car into a telephone pole and disfigure my face.

    If I were Pancho Villa at age thirty four, I would become provisional governor of Chihuahua in the midst of the Mexican Revolution. It would be another three years before I decided to launch an attack on New Mexico.

    If I were Harvey Milk, it would be another 13 years before I became the first openly gay elected official in a major U.S. city.

    If I were Miguel Otero, II, it would be another three years before I became the first Mexican American governor in the U.S. (Appointed to govern New Mexico)

    If I were Ezequiel Cabeza De Baca, it would be another nineteen years before I became the first elected Mexican-American governor in the U.S. (Serving New Mexico).

    If I were Octaviano Ambrosio Larrazolo, I would be the District Attorney of El Paso. It would be another thirty-five years before I became the first Mexican American elected to serve in the U.S. Senate (for the State of New Mexico).

    If I were Saint Anthony of Padua, I would currently be serving in the papal court of Gregory IX. I would only have another two years to live.

    If I were Che Guevara at age thirty four, I would be a key figure in the Cuban Missile Crisis.

    If I were Marilyn Monroe, this would be the year that I shot my last full film, The Misfits.

    If I were George W. Bush, I would be a major failure and an embarrassment to all of humanity (this is true at any age).

    If I were Kate Jackson, I would have left Charlie’s Angels four years ago. It would be another year before I starred in Scarecrow and Mrs. King.

    If I were Farrah Fawcett, I would have left Charlie’s Angels four years ago. It would be another three years before I made the Burning Bed.

    If I were Jaclyn Smith, this would be my last year on Charlie’s Angels. I would be the only one of the original three to stay through the show in its entirety.

    If I were Barbie, this would be the year that I declared “Math class is tough.”

    If I were Emperor Maximilian I of Mexico, I would be under heavy pressure to abdicate my fabricated claim to a fabricated throne. France would also withdraw its military support. This would therefore be my last year alive.

    If I were Barack Obama, I would currently be working as a Civil Rights attorney in Chicago, Illinois.

    If I were either of my parents, I would already have three children. The youngest would be six years old (who would later grow up to be the most desirable man on the blogosphere).

    If I were Queen Elizabeth I of England, this would be the year that I imprison Mary, Queen of Scots.

    If I were Diego de la Vega, I would have been fighting injustice as Zorro for a full decade.

    If I were Dolly Parton, I would have three number-one songs on the chart this year: “Starting Over,” “Old Flames,” and “9 to 5.” The last would be nominated for an Oscar.

    If I were Billie Holiday, it would have been two years since I was convicted on drug charges. I would be banned from performing anywhere in New York for the rest of my life. It would be another five years before I decided to tour Europe, where I was much more appreciated than in the U.S.

    If I were GayProf, I would have finished my first year at Big Midwestern University and be working on the Never Ending Research Project of Doom – still. Oh, wait, I am GayProf.

    If I were Lupe Vélez, I would be at the height of my popularity in the U.S. as the star of the “Mexican Spitfire” films of the 1940s. I would commit suicide in two years.

    If the people want me to be President of the United States, it will still be another year before that will be allowed by the Constitution. I can be named Supreme Emperor at any time.

    If I were Eva Perón, I would have been dead for one year. Argentina may or may not have been crying for me.

    If I were Wonder Woman, I would age another 2,457 years before joining Patriarch’s world to fight crime.


Susan said...

So glad you are recovered, and Happy Birthday! And just think, in one year you can be president of the US!

Alan said...

Happy Birthday!!

TheBrad said...

If I were Wonder Woman, I would age another 2,457 years before joining Patriarch’s world to fight crime.

How fortunate we are to have gotten you early.

Clio Bluestocking said...

Recovery just in time for cake and ice cream. Yea!

Happy Birthday!

pacalaga said...

Happy birthday to the most desirable man in the blogosphere!
Aw, c'mon, I bet ol' GWB was okay before he could talk.

Rat said...

I'll join the chorus of Happy Birthdays. I'd say you're getting still more desirable with every passing year, but I don't know if infinity can increase.

Java said...

Happy Birthday!
I had no idea Wonder Woman was that old. I also had no idea you were that young. I've never seen you of course. I'm sure you look way younger than I imagined you. But from your writing I assumed you were at least in your 40s.
feliz cumpleaños! Enjoy 34. It's a good age.

Let's Kill Saturday Night said...

Happy birthday !

Frank said...

Happy Birthday!!!

Laverne said...

Where oh where did I put that red envelope last year?

You know I'd mail you a card... if I knew what your address was. Argh.

Happy happy birthday, oh great one.

vuboq said...

Happy Birthday, Sugar Muffin! Saint Anthony of Padua is, like, one of my favorite saints EVER (and ask my cousin about seeing his mummified tongue).

If you were VUBOQ, at 34, omg ... I can't even think about it. You're better off not being VUBOQ at 34. Wait 'til 35. It's *much* better then.


historiann said...

Happy Birthday, GayProf! If you were Marie de l'Incarnation, you would have taken your final vows as an Ursuline nun in Tours, France, and you'd be still 6 years from establishing your mission in Canada.

(Just trying to balance out your southwestern borderlands theme!)

afod said...

Happy Birthday you VERY young lad! I do the same "comparisons" with my parents all the time.

GayProf said...

Susan: So, do I have your vote for 2012?

Alan: Thanks!

TheBrad: I would imagine after 2,457 years on an island, you would be hungry for any change of scenery possible.

Clio: I do love the cake.

Pacalaga: I always figured that before GWB could talk, his mother was already pumping him full of brandy for his "teething." It would explain a lot.

Rat: Aww, you're sweet and I appreciate that.

Java: She looks good for being over two millennium, no?

Let's Kill Saturday Night: Thanks!

Frank: Thanks!

Laverene: I used to be really good about keeping addresses. Now I am lucky if I remember my own.

VUBOQ: I wonder what happened at age 35.

HistoriAnn: Wait -- There is a history outside of the U.S.-Mexico borderlands? That doesn't sound right to me. Are you sure?

AFod: I have to be honest, I can't imagine having three kids as my parents did when they were this age.

baron-scarpia said...

And I'll just add my own congratulations to the birthday wishes. May there be many more years of GayProf.

David said...

When I was 34 it would be eight more years before I would wish you a happy 34th birthday.

tornwordo said...

Well I hope you are having cocktails this weekend. I'll have an extra one today in your honor. Happy happy!

prof bw said...

happy birthday :)

Greg said...

Happy Birthday, GayProf (belated, by now...)...hope it's been a stellar weekend! Most desirable, indeed.

I have to admit, your wisdom often leads me to think you are older, and your image is rarely what a happy surprise the 34 youngster.

You've got my vote for 2012--since we've played so much with the Constitution in recent years, sneaking that Supreme Empress (er, ahem, Emperor...) thing in there should be NO problem.

While I hate to pick too fine a nit on your birthday weekend, didn't Farrah leave the show well before Kate? Still, I suppose if you were her, you might be filming "Making Love" with the terribly hunky Harry Hamlin. And it would be, I'm sure, an *entirely* different film.


Cooper said...

Happy, happy birthday, most Gayprofs of Gayprofs! I hope you're doing something special to celebrate!

dean said...

Happy Birthday.

K said...

Happy Birthday, GayProf! I too turned 34 this month--thanks for putting it all into perspective for me.

Roger Green said...

Ah, that near-death experience is explained. Happy merry.

Mel said...

Happy birthday! Better late than never, right?

If you were me at 34, you'd be in an emotionally abusive relationship with a cheating cheater, living in a city you don't like and working at two part-time jobs which pay the bills while making you miserable. 36 was a much better year, and 39 is even better than that.

GayProf said...

Baron: Thanks!

David: But where were you in life at 34?

Torn: Indeed, the cocktail du jour was a Tequila Sunrise.

Prof BW: Thanks!

Greg: Indeed, Farah Fawcett did leave the show much earlier than Kate Jackson (unless you count her "special guest appearances" in later seasons). Remember, though, that this list is relative to their age at 34, not the show's chronology. Since Kate Jackson and Farah Fawcett are not the same age, their personal chronology is different (allowing them both to have been away from the show for four years at age 34).

Cooper: I had cocktails and cake with some friends.

Dean: Thanks!

K: Clearly this was an excellent summer for births in 1974.

ROG: Thanks for the good wishes.

Mel: We are all better off without Liars (Who Tell Many Lies) and Cheating Cheaters. It's a shame that it often takes us so long to figure it out.

adjunct whore said...

happy belated birthday. i love montgomery cliff. so gorgeous.

Doug said...

A very belated Happy Birthday!

If you work on the NEPoD outside, then you'll have some sunshine. And as for lollipops, if you need something to suck on......... ... . . . have a lollipop, I guess. ;)

Earl Cootie said...

Ah! I was afraid of this. Going offline for a week+ and I miss one of the premier events of the year.

Happy belated birthday, GayProf.

And in keeping with (my one-year) tradition, if you were Earl Cootie, you'd finally be moving back to Seattle after four wasted (and I mean I was so totally wasted) years in Phoenix.

Ochre said...

Happy birthday :) I feel like nothing more can really be said in the face of that post!

Greg said...

See, it's exactly that kind of cool head and firm grasp on the logic of the time stream that makes you the ideal candidate for Emperor. We would flourish under, ah...under your wise and gentle hand,, well, let's just say you rule, Gay Prof, and leave it there!

Hope you're having a great weekend!

Huntington said...

When I turned 34, I was about to accompany my law school class to Greece. Once there, I would realize that, after more than six years with him, I'd be happier (and saner) alone. It took six months to make it happen, and five years later, I still think of it as the hardest and best decision I ever made.