Saturday, July 26, 2008

Summer Can't Last Too Long

Okay – I am not inclined to have the last post as the “most current” one at CoG, particularly since I don’t update like I used to update. The whole queer blogosphere needs to move forward and allow time to work its magic potion of forgetfulness.

In the meantime, I thought that since summer is over half over we could check in with the plans that I made for myself way back in May. How much has GayProf accomplished? Here are the goals that I wrote and how far I have come:

    * Complete the Never Ending Research Project of Doom. Yeah, this has been on my list consistently. This time, though, I really mean it.

    Progress is being made – Edits being accomplished. Will I make it in time? Ugh -- So much stress! We'll keep this one in the "active" file.

    * Ruthlessly exploit friends and colleagues by having them proofread drafts of the Never Ending Research Project of Doom.

    Sadly, two of my friends are now blind, one is institutionalized, and at least five others won’t return my calls or e-mails. And yet I am still finding typos. Ugh.

    * Invent a new cocktail and name it the Gravitas.

    I am thinking of making this into a blog contest. What do you think? Otherwise, I do have a cocktail idea in mind.

    * Attend an all-day meeting to discuss matters deemed critical for the direction of my academic department.

    Yes, I did this thing. It really was all day long. The good news: They served lunch. The bad news: The lunch did not include cyanide.

    * Single-handedly heal the wounds of the Democratic Party once they finally decide on a candidate. The key will be baking enough delicious Bundt cake for everybody.

    You know the effects of that delicious Bundt cake would take effect sooner if Obama would stop swinging to the right.

    * Lose eight pounds. I am at that awkward stage where my regular clothes are a tad tight, but my fat clothes are still too large.

    Hey, I actually accomplished one of these goals! Eight pounds and more have been shed thanks to my secret diet plan: Strep Throat.

    * Take my Honda Civic for much needed service. It’s odd that at the point that I finally paid it off, I decided to see if I could destroy it by not bothering to get its oil changed.

    My Civic is fully serviced with a top lube job. Huh – It’s funny how the metaphor for sexual activities still sounds sexual even when it's not a metaphor.

    * Quash my environmentally dubious desire to purchase the insanely hot Dodge Challenger. I am not ashamed to say that I would probably have sex with that car. I would do it on camera too as long as I could keep the car afterwards.

    Well, gas reaching $4.26 in MFT probably did kill some of the desire. Still, it is a hot car. Nobody from Chrysler has yet to approach me about that video deal.

    * Vigorously shake working-class whites until they realize that the Republican Party is their worst enemy.

    See my comment about the Bundt cake.

    * Spend ample time in the sun to obtain a much needed tan and to stave off rickets.

    I got a tan – Then it faded. Then I got a new tan, then I got strep throat. Now I don’t have the leisure time to restore the tan once again. So, I think that I have staved off rickets, but have a slight problem with skin cancer. And I still don't have a rosy glow.

    * Travel to New Mexico for research purposes.

    Ugh – When will I have time for this? This might be pushed into the fall. And it would so help my tan, too!

    * Enjoy refreshing TaB cola.

    It’s TaB-ilicious. Ow, my kidneys!

    * Enjoy even more refreshing tequila.

    If you are thinking about a potential Gravitas cocktail recipe, let me offer some advice: TaB and tequila do not mix. Actually, I think that combination produces a toxic vapor.

    * Travel to Philadelphia and New Jersey for an event on my mother’s side of my family.

    I did this as well. Good times were had by all. I also learned that the Midwest is not the only part of this empire nation that is crumbling and falling apart. I am amazed that a bridge didn’t land on our car as we were driving.

    * Contemplate just how much worse traveling by air will become if we allow Delta and Northwest Airlines to merge. Do we even remember that this nation once had anti-trust laws?

    I wrote this before they started charging for baggage. The airlines are screwing us. If they raised their fairs a little bit, instead of charging for baggage, it would be a temporary raise in price. Once they go down the road of charging for such “frills” as baggage, however, it will never be revoked. Let’s start trimming the salaries of those CEO's. They are the ones who drove their companies into bankruptcy, why are they still making so much money?

    * Solve the mystery at Lilac Inn.

    The maid did it. Now I am off to Red Gate Farm.

    * Use my federal tax stimulus check to buy a single week’s worth of gasoline.

    Sometimes I forget that I can be pretty funny on this blog. That check couldn’t possibly stretch far enough to buy an entire week’s worth of gasoline.

    * Update CoG more often (Unlikely if I want to accomplish the first thing on this list).

    Um – Pass. Next item...

    * Remind the nation that allowing John McCain to assume the presidency would be to install somebody who has no moral conscious; enjoys war as a pastime; voted against the federal holiday honoring Martin Luther King, Jr.; has promised to continue the disastrous economic policies of the Bush presidency; and smells like Bengay.

    Alas, I would still take a right-wing Obama over a right-wing (and incompetent) John McCain.

    Hey, nation, John McCain literally doesn’t know how to turn on a computer. This is no joke. Use a mouse? Forget about it. Do you really think that he is touch with the lives of working Americans? Or this economy? Wake up and smell the old person.

    * Watch films that center on an alcoholic industrialist with a metal suit; a cowled misanthrope with abandonment issues; and an aged archeologist who probably also smells like Bengay at this point.

    I saw one of the three films listed here.

    * Wonder aloud about why Gwyneth Paltrow has a screen career. Conclude that it has to do with the U.S.’s incredibly low standards for acting.

    Unfortunately, the one film of the three that I saw involved Gwyneth Paltrow.

    * Change my currency into something less likely to lose its value than the U.S. dollar – Like the Colombian peso.

    Well, I am going to need to do this before going to New York. I think that they only accept Euros there now.

    * Purchase a new bed and/or couch – Depending on whether I imagine that I will have more house guests or overnight guests.

    I decided I should look for a couch that turns into a bed.

    * Laugh at the fact that the media/government is trying to spin the loss of jobs in the economy as a sign of growth. Hey, we didn’t shed as many jobs as we expected, so things are looking up. That’s a great strategy that I am going to start using with my credit card companies. Hey, my check wasn’t nearly as late as I thought that it would be, so, really, we are ahead.

    I would laugh, if only I wasn’t living in a state with crushing unemployment. You might have heard of my state's new license-plate motto: The Land that Democrats Forgot.

    * Completely redesign the syllabus for one of my fall classes (Unlikely if I want to accomplish the first thing on this list).

    Looking over my evaluations for my classes from last term, I noticed that students complained about the reading load. Huh – Maybe I shouldn’t have increased the number of books that I am assigning in the Fall.

    * Wrestle control of the Federal Reserve Board away from the incompetent and dangerous Ben S. Bernanke and the other conservative white men who currently staff it (Yep, all conservative white men on the Fed – Nobody else seems to have noticed that).

    Hey, nation, did you know that the Federal Reserve Board is supposed to have seven (7) members? Did you also know that the current Board only has five (5) members (one of whom's term has expired)? In the midst of an economic crisis, do we really think this is a good idea to be short staffed? I mean, couldn't we call a temp agency or something?

    * Spend some quality time playing with my Mego Wonder Woman doll.

    I like her blue wrap-around dress the best.

    * Convince my friends that spending quality time playing with my Mego Wonder Woman doll is not evidence of the long anticipated mental breakdown.

    I could be more convincing if I hadn’t made that statement about her blue dress -- or if I wasn't in the middle of a long anticipated mental breakdown.

    * Celebrate the genius of Dolly Parton.

    Why – WHY? – Why didn’t I go with my friends and see her when she was in Decaying Midwestern Urban Center? Damn you, NERPoD. Damn you!

    * Be grateful to Guadalupe that I don’t have to move this year (unlike the previous three years).

    I am grateful. Man, I haven’t finished unpacking from the last move.

    * Start a movement to finally dump the 1789 Constitution and replace it with a parliamentary form of government for the U.S.

    Maybe I’ll stick with reforming the Federal Reserve for the time being.


Mel said...

Well why didn't you say something before? Few can do up a Bundt like I can. Srsly.

Having weight loss goals of my own, though, I might have to limit my production. I sure as hell don't want to go the strep throat route. Been there, done that far too many times.

tornwordo said...

I about fell off my chair laughing with "wake up and smell the old person". Nicely done.

genghiskuhn said...

Does your choice of furniture mean that you plan to have house guests that turn into overnight guests? Also, this may just be my student sketchiness and relatively poverty speaking, but doesn't it increase the probability of Sexy Times For GayProf if there are limited sleeping options available for your hapless guests?

Mike Z. said...

Couches that turn into beds are a passive aggressive way to tell your overnight guests that you didn't really want them to spend the night.

dykewife said...

hmmm...what would suit gravitas as a drink? i mean, it has to be serious, taken serious and very seriously serious. how about coffee and scotch with bailey's irish cream? it'll keep you awake and make you slur all that the same time. afterall, you do want to get that research project of doom done and you're not going to do that if you're passed out from being drunk. that's why there's coffee in that.

i found out today what a misanthrope is. i was clever and finally looked it up. i discovered that i'm a misanthrope. whoda figured?

Greg said...

I have a feeling my standard Manhattan with extra cherry juice just wouldn't be serious enough.

Good news, tho, the folks from Chrysler heard you're an award winner and now they're considering the video offer.

Check out the garden for details.

Laverne said...

Too damn many glasses of wine I've had tonight.

I left a long comment on this post on your last post.

I blame my bad sofa.

vuboq said...

ok. a Gravitas Cocktail Contest would be super exciting! I volunteer to help taste test!!!

David said...

I'm useless at cocktails. Beer, wine or don't bother me.

You were so close in NJ and you didn't stop by for a visit?

Frank said...

"I did this as well. Good times were had by all. I also learned that the Midwest is not the only part of this empire nation that is crumbling and falling apart. I am amazed that a bridge didn’t land on our car as we were driving."

Yes, while driving 'round here in the Northeast, it's best not to pay any attention to crumbling bridges and deteriorating overpasses. If you don't see it, it won't collapse on you. It's quantum mechanical infrastructure.

Anonymous said...

Your brilliance and accuracy throughout this post astounds me as usual. However, there is one thing you were more right about than anything else:

That is one sexy car.

GayProf said...

Mel: If you bake the cakes, I'll provide the delicious lemon glaze.

Torn: Did I mention that old person doesn't like the gays?

Genghiskudn: The flip side of that scenario is being stuck with not-so-sexy overnight guests where you would really rather they sleep elsewhere.

Mike Z: Oh, good! So my intended message does come though after all.

DykeWife: I think that you are on the right track. Interestingly, my own gravitas cocktail idea is also a warm beverage...

Greg: The Manhatten was GayProf's cocktail of choice for this entire past winter. So warming, so delicious. Alas, though, the Gravitas cocktail can't be an already existing cocktail. It must new, fresh, different!

Laverne: I have looked at Ikea, but, to share your observation, the couches there are not comfortable to me even in the store (where you really can't give them a serious testdrive). Maybe they are designed for Swedish bodies?

VUBOQ: If only this wasn't a blog -- The taste testing would be the best part.

David: It was a trip entirely devoted to family. Alas, there were some bloggers (like Frank) that I had hoped to meet, but just didn't have space in the tightly monitored schedule.

Frank: And what is the deal with all the rusting war ships? Shouldn't we be recycling those or something?

JP: I know, right? It makes me swoon.

Java said...

Long list of stuff to accomplish, GayProf. You didn't move! You got your car lubed! You lost weight! (urgh, with strep throat. Yuck) We still have August for you to refresh that tan.
As for your students' evaluations, what are they? A bunch of wimps? They attend this university to expand their academic horizons. Make 'em work! Teach them that doctoral degrees don't grow on trees. Or something.
Happy August.

adjunct whore said...

you're it.

Anonymous said...

When I am sick and flat on my back is the ONLY time I lose weight. ;-)

You're spending more than $600 a week on gas? OUCH! Time to take up a collection.

Laura Elizabeth said...

Do not buy a sofa-bed. They are evil. They are responsible for the Republicans (91.4% of all Republicans were conceived on a sofa-bed), Global Warming, dead polar bears and marshmellow peeps.

Gravitas Cocktail requires some combination of absinthe, gin and vodka. Perhaps with extra vodka. And maybe some tequila.

You've accomplished more than I have this summer. I'd give you Bundt cake but I don't have any Bundt pans.

Java said...

I can now recognize the acronym NERPoD. I can even pronounce it. How's it going?

Actually, I dropped by to ask when classes begin again. My college students will be in class next week. You going to be putting on your shows soon?

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