Rather than rambling on about actual issues or platforms (which nobody seems to care about these days anyway), let me give you some unconventional reasons to vote for Obama today:
* An Obama victory would be the first time since JFK that we had a hot president. I suppose Bill Clinton had some charm among hetero women, but, whatever. . . I want a commander in chief who is smokin’ by gay standards. We are a much better judge of male beauty.
* Obama is just a fun word to say.
* An Obama victory will really piss off the radical Christians in this nation. That always makes me happy.
* Massive numbers of Democrats will finally be able to wean themselves off of the Xanax that they have been taking for the past eight years.
* I have it on good authority that one of Obama's first executive orders will be to reunite Charlie's Angels to capture Osama bin Laden.
* Having young children in the White House will mean that we will have the pleasure of seeing swing sets erected on the west lawn of the White House. Who could be anxious about the future of the economy when you are watching kids run and play? If Chase bank fails, maybe they will even get a pony.
* Not having Sarah Palin hanging around the White House will mean that we won’t see the west lawn turned into a Turkey Shoot.
* There will be a 0.000002 percent chance that Congress will actually do something productive in the next two years
* The rest of the world will think that we might have some sanity as a nation after all.
* Michelle Obama will join the ranks of Jacqueline Kennedy, Rosalynn Carter, and Hillary Clinton as accomplished and smart spouses of Presidents who deserve respect in their own right. Okay, I actually loathe that this nation draws in spouses as a measure for electability. Don’t even get me started about that cookie recipe bullshit, either. Besides, if ever there was any doubt that the “First Lady” position was meaningless, Laura Bush proved it by being a total void of a person. Nonetheless, I can’t help myself in fantasizing about Michelle Obama using her talents and intelligence in a new administration.
* Even more importantly, Michelle Obama will be the new Jacqueline Kennedy in terms of style and fashion. Indeed, I have already heard colleagues and friends of mine recommending that people dress like her (and not just the drag queens, either). Personally, I would love to see her rock a pill box hat. How did that family get to be so insanely good looking?
* We will no longer have to hear the term “maverick” thirty times a day.
* I can keep my Obama t-shirts as mementoes of an historic campaign rather than turning them into rags to wash my car.
* Sarah Palin’s lack of awareness about international affairs and basic news will be rejected as unacceptable. Heck, it might even mean that the rest of the nation will be required to learn about the world around them.
* Joe Biden’s borderline Tourette syndrome will provide comedians with comic gold for the next four years.
* It will open the door for a GayProf campaign victory in 2016.
Now stop reading this blog and vote.