Wednesday, October 28, 2009

What to Wear, What to Wear: Cloris Edition


Halloween always offers so many of my favorite things: candy, punch, sex with a man in a mask (who isn't into the leather scene). Alas, this year I will be thoroughly detained from the official gay holiday thanks to some remarkable work duties.

You can think of me playing Mr. Rourke this weekend. Only instead of an idyllic island, our guests will be in Midwestern Funky Town. In place of festive tropical drinks, we will have stale coffee. Instead of granting their every fantasy, I will force them to endure days of academic discussion. Still, I can manage to teach each one of them an important moral lesson that will lead them rethink their life choices. Then I will watch them depart on an amphibious plane.

Even with my tough work schedule, it doesn’t mean that I am not thinking about ideal costumes. Those who are serious long time readers of CoG know that my costumes never turn out how I imagined. Indeed, this might actually be the longest running gag on this blog. Read the archive: It's true. After five years, this bit almost seems fresh again.

Here are the things that I aim for, and my disappointing results:

What I aim for:
Edna Garrett



Some might argue that it was an ignoble culmination of the career of Charlotte Rae. Sure, some suggest that appearing on the Ed Sullivan Show was a bit more glamorous than playing dietician to four spoiled and entitled students. Well, I say, you take the good, you take the bad, and then you’ve got the facts of life.

What I end up with:
Beverly Ann Stickle



Few people even remember that Mrs. Garrett left the sinking ship show before it ended. Quite frankly, I would pay for a lot of therapy to forget this show entirely.

Maybe Mrs. Garrett left because she didn't understand how she ended up selling novelties in an ice-cream shop. Or maybe she just got tired of all the whining that went on amongst the entitled. Whatever the case, they replaced her with her sister, the divorcee Beverly Ann. Does anybody even remember her story?

***
What I aim for:
Mrs. Robinson



Because I use it for a class, I can’t seem to escape watching The Graduate at least once a year. After that many viewings, I can tell you that this film becomes much less interesting once Mrs. Robinson exits the scene. She was alluring, sharp, and oh-so-angry. Mrs. Robinson also got to wear lots of leopard prints. Today she would have her only reality t.v. show as the original "cougar".


What I end up with:
Ruth Popper



If there is one thing that I respect about The Last Picture Show, it is that it told the truth about how miserable and depressing Texas really is. Unlike the fun that Mrs. Robinson seemed to have, Ruth Popper just seems kinda sad. While she would be convicted as a pedophile today, Ruth really just needed some xanax.

***
What I aim for:
Mary Richards


Who amongst us hasn’t wished that we could turn the world on with our smile? If you suspect that my home has a giant “G” on the wall, you win the bonus prize. Mary is a model to us all about how to start life over with a go-go attitude. Well, until she cut her hair in the third season -- Then the show was just dead.

What I end up with:
Phyllis Lindstrom



Alas, Mary’s pushy neighbor is probably a bit more like the real GayProf. Phyllis was seemingly immune from Mary’s chipper disposition. Phyllis oozed gravitas.

***
What I aim for:
Baroness Paula Von Gunther



The Baroness had it all – A killer wardrobe, unlimited power, lesbian love slaves. Okay, so she was a Nazi – literally. Still, she probably stands as Wonder Woman’s most famous foe having appeared in both the comic and the television show.

What I end up with:
Frau Blücher



True, Frau Blücher has a place in cienmatic history. But GayProf doesn’t like it when the horses whinny and neigh at the sound of his name. It took a long time to break them of that habit. Besides, Frau Blücher always seemed more like a plot device to free the monster.

***

What I aim for:
Wonder Woman



The ultimate superheroine number 1, what more could be said? She can deflect bullets with her bracelets. Her tiara is a boomarang. She gets to date dreamy Steve Treavor.

What I end up with:
Queen Hippolyta



Alas, the cranky matriarch of Paradise Island just seemed so immovable. She never appreciated the beauty of Steve Trevor. And who besides her would call an island without [gay] men "paradise?"

***

* GayProf wants it made known that he adores Cloris Leachman and hopes she knows this was just a bit of silliness. Please don't hunt him down and twist his ankles.

14 comments:

pacalaga said...

Poor Cloris.
I think you should go as the Emperor from the Emperor's New Clothes. And send pictures.

Lesboprof said...

While on one hand I am so sad about the trashing of Cloris, I found myself doing the same and thinking you could add one of Jane Lynch versus Cloris Leachman.

Still kinda sad for Cloris, though.

Rebekah said...

I too will be missing the festivities. Always love your posts this time of year; they make me smile.

GayProf said...

Pacalaga: Given that I have only spotty gym attendance for the past week, nobody would want to see that mess.

LesboProf: I adore Cloris, actually. We could be such friends! But it just turned out that this was a bit that almost wrote itself.

Rebekah: Has Halloween jumped the pond yet?

looking_down said...

When I first read your title, I somehow thought it said "Clitoris Edition" and I had a sudden mental image of you wearing a sixfoot tall, pink rubber vagina suit.

I thought you'd like to know that.

pacalaga said...

Gayprof my dear, I work with a bunch of engineers. I would TOTALLY want to see that.

Roger Owen Green said...

yes, sometimes the blogs DO write themselvers.

shaz said...

Maybe she should have sold ice cream -- Mrs. Garrett missed George Clooney and Leonardo Di Caprio -- she could have been the original TV series cougar.

PS. Isn't it jumping the shark? A la Fonzie?

dykewife said...

you know, stale coffee and academic discussions might well be some people's versions of fantasy island :D

i don't do halloween parties and the like. they tend to populated by, like, people and stuff. i'll be at home handing out cans of sugar free pop to the kids who come by. (sugar free because some kids are diabetic and i don't want to leave them out of the fun)

tornwordo said...

Hey I use the Graduate in class too, albeit for different reasons. I'm curious as to how you use it. Happy Halloween!

David said...

After spending six hours in a kilt and various other Scottish trappings, I declined to dress up for the actual holiday.

I love me some Cloris.

Historiann said...

Ha! Love this. Love all of it. Cloris Leachman has had a storied career, hasn't she? (I didn't know she was on The Facts of Life--I must have stopped watching around the time that Jo got stoned while writing her report on Moby Dick.)

GayProf: since you watch The Graduate all of the time, can you please post on YouTube that really weird shot at the very beginning of the movie where the director lingers on the hideous "sad clown" painting in Ben's parents' house? It's the funniest shot in the whole movie, the one moment where the movie doesn't seem to take itself so damn seriously.

Thanks!

susurro said...

so what you are really trying to tell us is that you hope to be everyone but Cloris Leachman and yet inevitable end up being her? Just say no. Dare not to grow into a frumpy caricature filled to the brim with piss & vinegar b/c your feminism & realism in life kept you from being "the pretty girl." You can be the pretty girl, feminist, realistic, and grow old gracefully. Think Diana Rigg. (And no, next year you will not imagine yourself as Rigg's Emma Peel & end up being Uma Thurman, or imagine yourself as the Romulan Commander and end up Cloris when she wore leopard print on dancing with the stars.)

susurro said...

just tried to reach your blog & got re-routed to a page about going to hell & ordering bibles to save my soul, I kid you not. Seems to be fixed now bt had to turn off internet to get off page. thought you should know.