Wednesday, May 05, 2010

Justicia, Libertad, y Ciudadanía

Arizona just continues its journey to crazy land. In addition to the draconian antimmigrant/racial profiling law, the legislature is also considering two measures that would deprive funding to schools with undocumented students and also a measure that would outlaw race and ethnic studies programs in the state of Arizona. Well, race and ethnic studies programs except those focused on white people, who apparently aren't a racial group in Arizona. The latter measure also carries a reference title of “prohibited courses.” Sounds to me like Arizona is racking up its anti-U.S. points by now being against free speech, doesn’t it?

Today happens to be Cinco de Mayo. In Mexico, this holiday commemorates an important military victory against a French invasion force. That's right, France. Personally, I always suspected that this holiday only gained traction during the brutal dictatorship of Porfirio Díaz (since he was involved in said Battle of Puebla), but I’d need to look into that.

In the United States, this holiday commemorates any flimsy excuse to drink oneself silly midweek. Nota bene to the people of the U.S., José Cuervo was not a Mexican freedom fighter.

President Benito Juárez led Mexico into battle with the rousing statement, "The [French] Imperial Government will not succeed in subduing the Mexicans, and its armies will not have a single day of peace... we must stop them, not only for our country but for the respect of the sovereignty of all nations." He did not motivate his troops by saying, "Winning this war will mean half off on all pitchers of frozen Strawberry Margaritas! If you finish by 1867, then I'll throw in some complimentary chips and salsa."

Far be it from me to interfere with people's drinking, though. Hey, even ol’ GayProf will take the opportunity to enjoy his new favorite spring cocktail, the Tequila Gimlet.

Beyond the ritual drinking, I thought we could also use the day to strike back against Arizona’s anti-Mexican lunacy. There have been a number of proposals to hold Arizona accountable for its legalized hatred. Boycotts seem the best measure. If there is one thing Americans respond to, it’s cash-based incentives.

Still, I think we can be more creative in our approach to Arizona. Here are some additional ideas to make Arizona rethink its xenophobic policies:

    * Since Arizona is so obsessed with documentation, let’s void Arizona drivers licenses in neighboring states. Before being permitted to take your car across state lines, an Arizona driver would need to prove their adeptness at parallel parking. I’ve seen these people’s driving skills. Trust me – There would be a whole lot of walking once they left the state.

    * Cut off their water. Over 1.5 million people are greedy enough to live in Phoenix, or, as I like to call it, the City that Shouldn’t Exist. I would imagine the desert city could get might thirsty this August if their external sources of water suddenly dried up.

    * Redesign Arizona’s flag to be this:

    * Disallow Mexican food from being served in Arizona. Hey, if they don’t like the people, then they shouldn’t like the cuisine either. Let’s put them back on the diet that turn-of-the-twentieth-century Euro Americans used to prize so highly. For breakfast, they will now get to enjoy cornmeal mush with top milk, toast, and coffee. Not very satisfying? Well, wait until Arizona’s new lunch course: dried peas, bread with oleomargarine, and stewed rhubarb. If they want to pretend like it is 1906, then they can eat like it too.

    * Maybe it’s time for another meteor to visit the state...

    * Manufacturers should stop shipping sunscreen into the state. Some cases of melanoma might give Arizonans a new appreciation for their neighbors of a darker hue.

    * Given Arizona really likes the idea of racial profiling, let’s allow police to start targeting angry white men. After all, several of the most recent terrorist attempts in our nation seem to have been performed by angry white men (Eight members of the Christian Michigan Militia Hutaree are charged with plotting to levy war and also trying to use weapons of mass destruction; Gregory Guisti allegedly threatened to assassinate Nancy Pelosi and some of our other national leaders; and Joseph Stack tried to fly his plane into Austin’s IRS building). Shoot, if Arizona started racially profiling angry white men, Sheriff Joe Arpaio wouldn’t be able to make it out of his own driveway without being pulled over by the cops.

    * Only allow Delta to provide airline service to the state. A couple of flights on the “world’s largest carrier” and the residents will be begging for mercy.

    * Since Arizona is claiming that they are doing the job of the federal government, let them take possession of the national debt. By my calculation, each Arizona citizen would owe $1,945,615.06. They might want to hold off on applying for that boat loan.

    * John McCain and Jon Kyl will henceforth be introduced as “the honorable Senators from that jerkwater state that makes the rest of the U.S. sick.”

    * Force Arizona to relinquish its claims to the Latina star Lynda Carter. She might have been born in Phoenix, but she is a national treasure now.

    * Conversely, Arizona must take back former Scottsdale resident David Spade.

    * Arizona can no longer claim to be a republican government. Jan Brewer, who was not actually elected as governor, should be given a new title, like “Chairman Brewer” or “Leader Brewer” to suite her style of government.

    * GayProf will withhold his recipe for the remarkably tasty Tequila Gimlet until Arizona comes to its senses. It’s a shame that Arizona is making the rest of the nation suffer like that.

    * Make sure that Alice really doesn’t live there anymore.

    * Put all of those who supported this measure on a plane to Russia with a note pinned to their clothes stating, “These Arizonans have severe antisocial issues/behaviors. We no longer wish to be citizens with them.”

    * Every person who supports the legislature's measures needs to write an essay entitled, “Why Hating Immigrants is Unamerican.”

    * Send Zorro in and watch him kick some tyrannical ass.

    * Since the legislature claims that their real motivation is jobs, allow them to retire from government and assume a job recently vacated by a migrant worker. Oh, look at me, assuming that members of the legislature could do a real day of hard work.

    * BP now has a new place to stick all that spilled oil. I’m not sayin’, I'm just sayin’.


pacalaga said...

Hey now, some of us who live here for reasons (currently) beyond our control would like to point out that you're punishing us extra. And you can have my green chile over my cold, dead, crispy-sunburnt body.

GayProf said...

Pacalaga: Oh, I should mention that I will be starting a political refugee program to rescue and relocate civic and civil minded Arizona residents like you! A frosty tequila gimlet is always waiting for you.

Blake said...

I love it! Of course I had to hate the laws first in order to love your punishments, but still... I think the most ridiculous thing about all of it is the premise that it has to do with jobs. As you said, let's see how many whiteys are lining up for the jobs generally held by people of Mexican descent, regardless of citizenship.

Welcome back! I trust the semester might be over in Midwestern Funky Town. I am counting down the hours myself.

Frank said...

Judging by that picture, Zorro ain't kicking that ass, but something else.

Secret Message: Working on Secret Project as we speak.

Sisyphus said...

Those are all *great* ideas, except for the notion that we'd ever call McCain an "honorable" anything!

Personally, I'm torn between giving them our deficit and taking their water as the best option.

Historiann said...

Heh. Another brilliant post worthy of Mr. Jonathan Swift.

Or are you serious???

Historiann said...

p.s. word on the City that Should Not Exist. It exists because of water treaties signed in or around 1906 that permit that city to take most of the water from my state! (Otherwise, Colorado would have all of the golf courses.)

GayProf said...

Blake: Our semester is indeed over (thus my quasi-return to the blogosphere). Finally our cruel truncated winter break pays off!

Frank: Zorro is a man of many methods.

Sisyphus: We can do both!

Historiann: Well, I stopped short of proposing to eat Arizonans. I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'.

Pete said...

You have to include Linda Ronstadt, Phoenix girl from a Hispanic family on her mother's side. Arizona can't have her any more -- she belongs to the rest of us!

Mel said...

I may not be an AZ refugee, but I still wouldn't mind one of those gimlets. I never liked the state, anyway.

Earl Cootie said...

Oh, Pete beat me to it. Linda's ours!

Homer said...

It is embarrassing to be living in this fucked-up state with it's fucked-up openly racist politicians.

I note that Linda Ronstadt is a native of Tucson (her German immigrant ancestor came here in the 1860s). I also note that as far as I know, no commercial tequila is actually made in this shithole of a state.

I thirdly note that the Sheriff of Pima County (where Tucson is located) has announced he will not enforce the law. The Tucson City Council, including its Republican mayor!, have voted to sue the state. I just wish we could split off from Fucknix and have our own state.

Elizabeth McClung said...

I still contend that targetting Canadian 'snowbirds' - pasty white seniors with guys in dark socks and dark sneakers with shorts should be a snap. Not only that, these people, due to not requiring a visa or passport stamp at the Canadian border have NO PROOF they are there legally - automatic six months for them! Huzzah, that way Arizona can piss off BOTH partners of North America.

Sadly the bill did pass, targetting the Tuscon School district and some textbooks specifically - any book which does not promote the US (supposedly promoting 'ethnicity' is akin to civil war - wow, do I smell the detroit riots or what?), or any that promotes an 'ethnic' group over the nation - of course angloes are excluded and shall hereafter be referred to as 'the enforcers' - also, I wonder if they can bend this rule to wipe out the few LGBT high school groups? Not that I would assume that Arizona laws are targetted toward vulnerable minorities or the like.

susurro said...

funny as always, I think water rights are definitely something states who give could take back to make a point about the laws.

just an FYI your links to the bills lead to empty downloads (there is no text only blank pages); also, checked the Senate pages today and I can't find anything saying whether sb 1097 was voted on or not but last review was in March. I assume now that they've got SB 1070 and 2281 on the books they'll try to get the rest through quickly before the first discrimination case comes to court (it has been filed).

GayProf said...

Pete: Linda Rondstat captured my heart when she did her mariachi album.

Mel: I am happy to serve tequila gimlets to the like minded, but no recipe until AZ budges.

Earl: Plus she sang with Dolly Parton! She is so ours.

Homer: Tequila can only be produced in the state of Jalisco. It's kinda like champagne. Hopefully Mexico will have the good sense to cut off AZ's supply.

Elizabeth: Targeting the snow birds would certainly make AZ consistent. But, of course, we know in the U.S. that when the right talks about immigration, they almost never intend to include those deemed "white."

Susurro: The links work for me. . . They are pdf files.

It seems to me that 2281's passage confirms that AZ is really operating off of assumptions about race (rather than allegedly being able to claim that these are "race neutral" desires that happen to be about jobs or security).

tornwordo said...

I thought of you when that passed about the ethnic studies courses. The idjots have clearly taken control. So sad and deplorable. At least you got a laugh out of me on the topic. Eat Arizonans. Priceless, I want the bumper sticker.

Rebekah said...

well... you know... my dad did move there. Of his own choice.

Things really started going downhill after that.

Haven't spoken to him in a long time.

susurro said...

I really can't get them to download, perhaps AZ's ban on brown folks extends to the internet and they have locked me out ... but then again, you can still see them ... I suppose I should stop typing like an immigrant, maybe that would help.