Have I ever mentioned that I hate hot weather? Yeah, I know -- I grew up in the desert. I should be used to the heat. Whatever. I hate being hot.
Now, I don’t mean “hate” the way some people toss that word around. You know what I mean. People say “hate” when they really mean “don’t care for it.” Do you hate peas? Or would you simply prefer not to eat them? Really hating something means a burning emotion that comes straight from the blood-red-rage of your soul for all eternity. Yeah, I hate heat like that. If I could murder hot weather in cold blood, I would already be calling a lawyer by now.
Anyway, that aside, I need to set my to do list for the coming months. Here are my goals for this summer:
Finish my current research project.
Teach Summer School, Session I.
Try to repair my horrific credit record (thus the reason for teaching Summer School, Session I).
Finish sewing that Wonder Woman costume. Though I might just settle for some extra, extra, extra large NRFP Underoos off of E-Bay.
Build a bonfire out all of the things that liar ex (who told many lies) gave me in the past eight years. Then dance around the fire naked until they lose all of their evil magic powers.
Watch the new Superman movie.
Figure out ways to recover from my disappointment over the new Superman movie.
Locate and rent an apartment in Boston.
Aspire to add 20 lbs to my bench press, but probably settle for adding 10 lbs.
Travel to Albuquerque to visit family and friends.
Drink Tequila and/or Tequila based cocktails (I already have a head start on this one).
Go to the only gay club in this small Texas town at least one more time.
Figure out a reason to be interviewed by dreamy Anderson Cooper.
Mourn the end of FDR’s New Deal -- again.
Attend a wedding of a mutual friend of mine and the liar ex (who told many lies). Contemplate how I will maintain my decorum and not stab my liar ex in the eye with a dessert fork.
Celebrate George W. Bush’s shameful resignation (Hey – I can hope).
Make a list of all the things that I will miss about Texas while I am gone this coming year. That should fit on a post-it note.
Travel to Chicago for work.
Try to keep up the façade that I know (or care) what the hell people are talking about when they discuss the DaVinci Code.
Contemplate if somebody could bounce a quarter off of Condoleezza Rice’s hair.
Take photos of the friends in Texas that I want to remember.
Shred photos of people I hope never to see again.
Find new friends in Boston.
Wax my car.
Finally decide in my own mind if I think Carlos Mencia is funny or offensive.
Be the first kid on my block to own the Wonder Woman comic relaunch (written by a gay man, don’t you know?).
Figure out how to work all the functions on my cell phone.
Start a riot.
Locate and recover Jimmy Hoffa’s body.
Move to Boston.
Man, that’s a lot of work for me this summer. I better get started on that tomorrow. Well, maybe not tomorrow. Tomorrow I want to learn how to make a Denver Omelet. The day after that, though, I am on it.