Kiddies, here are the rules: Open your music library and set the old-boy to “shuffle.” Note the first five songs that it plays. Then, regardless of the music artist’s actual politics, you blatantly misinterpret their lyrics to seem like they are covertly sending ultra-right-wing messages. The most deranged misinterpretations win a prize. At least, I thought somebody said something about a prize.
It kinda reminds me of that game where you randomly look up words in the dictionary and then give out false definitions to see how many people you can trick. You know –What’s that called? Oh, right, the Department of Homeland Security.
So, let’s see what evil right-wing messages might be lurking in this lefty-gay-boy’s music library, shall we?
1. Armand Van Helden’s “My My My”
Oooh, iTunes started me with a tough one. Given the limited number of lyrics, some might not see van Helden’s true intent here. Of course, upon reflection, we can see that this song supports the horrific construction of a wall dividing the U.S. and Mexico. Let’s look at the first chorus:
My, My, My
My, My, My
My, My, My
How did we ever get this way?
Where's it gonna go?
Clearly van Helden dislikes living in a multi-cultural atmosphere. The line “How did we ever get this way?” suggests his desire for a romanticized past and the times of segregation.
My, My, My, My, My
Oooh, Ooooh, Wee
How we gonna make it work?
What's it gonna take to do?
Van Helden asks “What’s it gonna take to do?” In reality, he wants us all to answer that question by calling for tighter border security.
2. Requiem for Evita (From the soundtrack to Evita)
Now here is one that is much easier, because, really it is all about an evil right-wing wife-of-a-dictator. Though the musical offered many bouncy songs and some fabulous costume changes (What gay man hasn’t performed the Casa-Rosada-balcony scene in the privacy of his bedroom?), the real-life Eva Perón was a fascist.
I don’t mean fascist in the way that most people toss that word around, like, “My professor made me read 150 pages this week. He is such a fascist.” No, no. I mean, Evita believed in fascism as a form of government. She felt all citizens should have a fanatical devotion to the nation and eschewed the rights of the individual.
So, a song that asks us to lament Eva’s passing really asks us to mourn the passing of fascism in Argentina. Thanks, Andrew Lloyd Weber! When are you going to get working on that musical for Francisco Franco?
3. Cascada’s “Every Time We Touch”
Though seemingly just another plastic dance-ballad, Cascada actually produced this song as a secret love declaration for Paul Wolfowitz.
Take a look at the militaristic imagery she uses:
Your arms are my castle,
Your heart is my sky.
They wipe away tears that I've cried
The good and the bad times,
We've been through them all.
You make me rise when I fall.
In this case, Cascada talks both about her screaming-thigh-sweats for Wolfowitz and his aggressive military policy. She tells us that, like a medieval castle, Wolfowitz will defend us. True, he may level entire nations, but they will rise again because the USA will rebuild them – if there is time – and we don’t lose interest first.
4. Frankee’s “Hell No”
This is one of my favorite songs at the moment. You can imagine how upset I was to find out that Frankee really intended this song for Bill Clinton. Just take a look at these lyrics:
You looked me in my face and
Had the nerve to say that chick that called
You on your cell phone wasn’t at your place
The stupid things you do,
You gotta be a fool,
You took my love for granted
Now I'm taking it back from you
Clearly Frankee is substituting herself as a spokesperson for the nation. She, as Miss Everybody-USA, responds to Bill Clinton’s infamous claim that he did not have sex with Monica Lewinsky.
Let’s take a look at her second stanza:
I don't need your doe
I'm not going be your ho
You can keep your ring
I see you're full of it
I'm not going to be your bitch
I don't care about your bling
Like many right-wingers, Frankee explicitly rejects the economic growth and budget surpluses that appeared during the Clinton administration. Sure, he might have been president during unprecedented times of stability, but the only thing Frankee really cared about was that he had a blow-job in the Oval Office.
5. Eurythmics “Right by Your Side”
I think the title of this song tells us all that we need to know. By “Right By Your Side,” the Eurythmics tell us that we all need to be on the political right.
In the opening chorus, the Eurythmics tow the Republican line all the way:
Give me two strong arms
To protect myself
Give me so much love
That I forget myself
I need to swing from limb to limb
To relieve this mess Im in
cause when depression starts to win
I need to be right by your side
Here the Eurythmics tell us that only the Republicans have the military strength to protect us from terrorism with their "two strong arms." Moreover, you might think that she refers to “depression” as an emotion. In truth, the song speaks of economic “depression.” Only by going to the “right” and their tax cuts will the world economy move forward.
Well, that was fun, even if I do feel a bit dirty for horribly abusing some of my favorite artists and songs. Most of these artists aren’t even U.S. citizens.
Frankee, I was just kidding. Call me.
I won’t tag others, but all should feel free to have fun. In the meantime, I will keep waiting for the “Ten Reasons Why I Adore and Worship GayProf” meme to appear.
Wait – maybe that gives the impression that I have distorted view of self-worth. “The Ten Reasons Why I Adore and Worship GayProf” meme has got to be circulating on the blogosphere already, right?