If Justin Timberlake can’t do it, who can? Well, of course, we shouldn’t depend on an international singing star who also is frequently cited by the press and average people as a sex object. No, no. Instead, we should look for answers from an obscure queer professor with an obtuse blog. Clearly that’s where the sexy will come back.
Laura Elizabeth suggested that pictures of a tuxedo-clad GayProf would help on this front. Hmm – The last time I wore a tuxedo would have been for my High School Senior Prom.
I don’t think that this image would aid the effort of bringing sexy back – unless you happen to be Mark Foley. To answer your questions: Yes, I really went to my senior prom (and homecoming, and junior prom). Yes, I went with a girl (as just friends). No, I wasn’t “out” in high school. Yes, those really are heart-shaped balloons in the background. No, I don’t think that they still use pig bladders to make balloons anymore.
So, clearly ancient tux pictures of GayProf aren’t going to work. Here, though, are my humble suggestions for actually bringing sexy back to the world:
The following words will be banned from romantic encounters: stick, it, rump, milkshake, and monocle. I recognize that this rules out Mr. Peanut and Colonel Klink from being sexy. Tough choices had to be made.
Anybody of mixed Latino and Euro-American ancestry automatically has the title “sexy.”
Mandatory intelligence testing to qualify for the term “sexy.” Don’t get me wrong, dumb can still be hot under the right circumstances – just not sexy per se. Once you pass your i.q. test, I think you should get a little sticker for your driver’s license that says you are eligible for, but not guaranteed, the title “ sexy.”
I will grant that smoking looks cool. In the end, though, it kills sexy. All us non-smokers have kissed smokers. It’s a lot like licking an ashtray. No amount of mint gum changes that either. It just becomes an ashtray with a gob of used gum.
All men and women who come under the term “sexy” must have a working knowledge of proper grooming and know the value of conditioner for their hair.
Using childhood terms and/or proper names to refer to your or your partner’s genitalia will not be allowed during naked playtime.
Using the term “genitalia” will not be allowed during naked playtime.
Nobody with the last name “Bush” will ever be allowed to have sex again – ever. Even knowing that the Bush clan had sex ruins it for the rest of us. Who can even think “sexy” with the knowledge that Barbara once had her knees on the tiles for George senior? **Shudder**
Strippers will need to attend a special college to perfect their techniques. None of this, “Well, you have an okay body and a passable face – Now get up on the stage and see how many people shove dollar bills into your crotch.” Sexy doesn’t have a chance in an amateur’s hands. I want some professional training for those strippers. Hey, not all of them will have to go through the full four-year university program. There can be a two-year associate degree program. Let’s have a hierarchy like with nurses. You can opt to be a LPS (Licenced Practical Stripper) or a RS (Registered Stripper). If you need to know which one you are dealing with, look for the dark stripes as they swing around on the pole.
If anybody on this planet can refer to you as their “liar ex,” you forfeit one testicle or one ovary. Oh, wait, that’s not about bringing sexy back. That’s about bringing revenge back. Sorry – I’ll stay focused.
When it comes to appearance, I don’t think there is a magic formal to sexy. No, no. You just have to look like Del Marquis, Thomas Lloyd, or Anderson Cooper. That’s good enough for me.
Coffee and tea will only be served in actual glass or ceramic cups, preferably with a saucer. No more paper for critical beverages. Oh, wait, that’s about restoring dignity to us, not sexy. Damn! I keep getting distracted.
Diamond companies will be forbidden from implying that sexy can be purchased in their advertisements. Actually, they might just be flat-out saying that sex can be purchased. I say, go to a prostitute and cut out the jeweler-middle man.
The ability to vacuum and load a dishwasher properly should never be underestimated as sexy.
Free liquor for everybody. Consumed properly, liquor makes everything and everybody sexy. Or you just stop giving a fuck - whatever.
The new sexiest thing? One word: Gravitas.