Thursday, October 26, 2006

What to Wear, What to Wear -- Parte Dos

Now is the time of year when young queers’ hearts and minds are consumed by that special holiday that unites us all. Yes – the fourth week of October has the distinction of being National Radon Detection Week. It’s the silent killer, people. We all mark these special few days by installing devices to detect invisible, tasteless, carcinogenic gases in our homes.

Once that’s over, we begin to think about Halloween. Of course, the end of the month also signals yet another four weeks in which my Texas house did not sell. How much longer will I be saddled with a link to Liar Ex (Who Told Many Lies)? No horror story could be more scary. Halloween offers a nice distraction from that grim reality.

Like last year, though, I have the dilemma of trying to figure out what to wear as a costume. Like last year, my aspirations for particular costumes never quite turn out right.

Here’s more of what I aim for when I build a costume and the disappointing results:

    What I Aim For: President Laura Roslin

    Laura Roslin makes the tough moral choices, inspires confidence, and can really rock a power suit. Once a humble school teacher, Roslin shows what keen intelligence and dedication can do for the leadership of a people.

    What I End Up With: First Lady Laura Bush

    Laura Bush makes almost no moral choices, inspires nothing, and really needs a new tailor. If anybody ever questioned whether the position of First Lady was useless, Laura proved that it was. Once a humble school teacher, Laura Bush shows how making really bad marriage choices can ruin your life. Tell me about it, Laura.


    What I Aim For: Zorro

    Don Diego de la Vega had a powerful sense of justice and remarkable fighting skills. During the day, he had an unassuming persona as the son of a wealthy nobleman. At night, Diego went to his secret cave, dressed all in black and a long flowing cape, and fought to save the weak. Though he had many weapons, like pistols and a whip, he favored the rapier and fought with elegance. Plus, Guy Williams' could really fill-out his trousers. Get my meaning? Nudge-nudge. His costume really bulged with his manly attributes, if you know what I mean. Nudge-nudge. He had a big penis. Not subtle?

    What I End Up With: Batman

    Batman is just a cheap knock-off of Zorro. Don’t believe me? During the day, Bruce Wayne is unassuming son of a wealthy business man. At night, Burce goes to his secret cave, dresses all in black and a long flowing cape, and fights to save the weak. Need more proof? Bob Kane frequently depicted young Bruce Wane watching the film The Mark of Zorro the night of his parents’ murder.

    Regardless, Batman is so over exposed at this point. Batman also always seems to get underfoot as Wonder Woman tries to do important heroic type stuff.

    Yeah, don’t tell my nephew, though, who totally adores Batman at the moment.

    What I Aim For: Hawk from Spenser: For Hire

    When I was a wee queer lad, I thought Hawk to be one of the coolest figures on television. As an adult, he now seems like a bizarre pastiche of racist stereotypes. Still, he was one sexy mother-fucker. What? The Center of Gravitas ain't a site for kids.

    Hawk exuded strength and dominated every scene. Never speaking that often, he still intimidated everybody around. Plus, he really knew how to dress!

    What I End Up With: Captain Sisko

    The least likeable Star Trek show, Deep Space Nine depended on character development rather than, you know, actual adventure to drive the series. Sisko didn’t help matters. Often indecisive, directionless, and stodgy, Sisko lacked cool. To make matters worse, his whiny son made Wesley Crusher seem down-right pleasant.


    What I Aim For: Lisa Simpson

    Precocious Lisa serves as the moral center of nation’s favorite cartoon family. Having converted to Buddhism somewhere in the show’s twenty-ninth season, Lisa remains at peace in a world of chaos. She values learning and remains calm in desperate circumstances.

    What I End Up: Meg Griffin

    Nobody likes Meg – not even her parents. Sales clerks have been known to immolate themselves rather than view Meg in a new pair of jeans. Few people even know the purpose of her character.


    What I Aim For: Macbeth

    Sure Macbeth had some bloodthirsty tendencies and a lust for power. He might also have murdered the rightful king, Duncan, thus overturning the natural order of things to the point that horses started eating each other. I call Macbeth a self-starter, myself. Clearly, he is one of the sexiest of all of Shakespeare’s tragic historical characters.

    What I End Up With: Hamlet

    Did Shakespeare have a more whiny character? Ninety percent of this play is all about Hamlet debating. He debates whether or not to kill the usurper king. He debates whether or not to get it on with Ophelia. He debates whether or not to commit suicide. He debates whether he should use jam or butter on his toast. Geez – We could be spared a dozen soliloquies if he just had the balls to stab, poison, or bludgeon himself to death in the first act. Hamlet is just a whiny brat at the end of the day.


    What I Aim For: Betty la Fea (Mexico's Ugly Betty)

    In Colombia's smart reinventing of the telenovela, Betty became the unlikely hero. The Mexican version perfected the story. Instead of the usual dramatics, histrionics, and sex of traditional telenovelas, Betty la Fea offered an unusual amount of humor (coupled with dramatics, histrionics, and sex). Though I never saw that many episodes, Betty la Fea seemed smart and sassy.

    What I End Up With: Ugly Betty

    While I still have enjoyed the U.S. version, and I think Selma Hayek can walk on water, elements of the new version still bother me. As I have mentioned before, the fact that Betty and her family are the only Latino figures in the show makes the title a bit more problematic. Likewise, the fey assistant caters to some horrific homophobic stereotypes (though he did redeem himself a bit when he shared a moment with Betty’s nephew). Maybe I am just predisposed to distrust U.S. remakes. Or perhaps my therapist was right -- Maybe I should really just relax sometimes. Eh.

    What I Aim For: Jake Shears from Scissor Sisters

    Though Del Marquis has my heart from the Scissor Sisters, one can’t deny Shears’ electric personality. He has a tight little body that he generously shows off as he prances about the stage in revealing costumes.

    What I End Up With: Carol Channing

    Carol also shows offer her tight little body as she prances about the stage. In this case, though, it’s just too much camp, even for GayProf.

    What I Aim For: The Grim Reaper

    Empowered with the icy touch of death, the Grim Reaper strikes fear in all who have seen him. He has a cold dark presence, no soul of his own, and thrives on decay.

    What I End Up With: Donald Rumsfeld

    Empowered with the icy touch of death, Donald Rumsfeld strikes fear in all who have seen him. He has a cold dark presence, no soul of his own, and thrives on decay – Huh – maybe that’s why I keep ending up with him when I aim for death personified.


Rebekah said...

you slay me sometimes gayprof.

Actual out loud laughter at Carol Channing.


Cooper said...

I'm going to channel Orlando Bloom and be a pirate to celebrate the end of National Hardon Detection week. That is what you meant, right?

I just need swashbuckler boots and I'm all set.

Anonymous said...

Ha! Don Rumsfeld is WAY creepier than the reaper!
I thought for sure that you'd have a Steve Irwin one, though. Seems like everyone is Steve-freakin'-Irwin this year.

Anonymous said...

That post made my day. I'm surrounded by soccer-mom types whose kids are going as Princess Fiona with dad as Shrek. Awesome correlations.

Wiccachicky said...

Totally with you on MacBeth vs. Hamlet - Hamlet really is annoying.

Ugly Betty - I've been liking the show so far...and I hated the title when it was announced. So far I like the campy feel, but it has the potential to be like Jack on Will and Grace - just repeat the same old patterns.

vuboq said...

Hm. I always thought Captain Sisko was kind of hot.

And, if you're ever playing 6 Degrees of Separation with people ... my cousin use to work with the mother of the actress who voices Lisa Simpson.

I don't think I will have a Halloween costume this year ...

Anonymous said...

Another home run. You had me at "Laura Roslin."

Chad said...

I believe that some of Jake Shears' magic exists in all of us gay men. You just need to have faith!

(Unfortunately, probably some of Carol Channing's magic does too...).

Anonymous said...

Rummy is infinitely scarier than Death.
Hamlet was briefly sexy, though, when he was Mel (you know, before he got wrinkles and DUIs).

Helen the Felon said...

Carol Channing wishes she was you, honey.

Scott said...

"They relied on character development?!" Those bastards! :)

brian said...

Carol Channing revealed her biracial origins in her autobiography.
What a stunning revelation from a Broadway legend.
She made me an even bigger fan.
Have you considered the most frightening costume of all?
Liar Ex(who told many lies)

GayProf said...

Rebekah: You laugh now, but just wait until I show up on your door singing “Hello Dolly.” It won’t be pretty. You'll ask yourself, "Where's my God now?"

Cooper: Hardon detection? Hmm – this brings us back to Guy Williams as Zorro and his amazing technicolor bulge.

Jeremy: Oooh – It seems too early for the Irwin jokes to me. Check back to CoG next June.

Anon: Uh – Is it just me, or are those costume combinations a little incestuous?

Wiccachicky: Yeah, I have not cast my final decision about Ugly Betty. We will see.

VUBOQ: No costume? That’s so sad. In a pinch, you can always dress like GayProf. Grow a goatee and drink – a lot -- You are good to go.

JPDC: If I didn’t already have the Wonder-Woman thing going, I might start confusing myself with Roslin.

Chad: What’s this about Jake Shears’ magic being inside of you? What now? You should really be using a condom.

Pacalaga: Yeah, but Mel has that whole Nazi thing about him now.

Helen: Hmm – Carol secretly wants to be me, and I secretly want to be you. It's the cycle of life.

Scott: Actually I just said that about character development because that’s how fans of the show always justified it to me. To be honest, DS9 was such a snooze fest I could never get through a whole episode.

Brian: How would one dress like a piece of human detritus?

Chad said...

Hey, I wouldn't be blogging if Jake Shears was really sharing his magic with me...well, except to brag, of course.

Anonymous said...

oh wow. Boston needed a smart gay man like you to mix things up. Thanks for keeping my city lively, and giving me hope of finding someone who is both sexy and has a brain

Dorian said...

I'm trying to talk Pete into letting me buy him a Zorro costume, and a Lone Ranger costume for myself.

No, we're not planning on going to any Halloween parties this year.

ReggieH said...

FANTASTIC post (who knew you were a Hawk fan?) So tell us, how do we dress up like our hero, GayProf?

Anonymous said...

While I do sometimes think the hardcore DS9ers go overboard, it really was a damn good show. Certainly better than what we got with Voyager (ugh!) and Enterprise (ugh! ugh!). Also, you obviously didn't watch some of the Dominion War episodes; plenty of action going on!

We ALL want to be Roslin, don't we? And have Jake Shears' "magic" in us. *nudge, nudge* But you go TOO far when you dis Miss Carol Channing! Who WOULDN'T want to be that so-batshit-crazy-she's-actually-fabulous? Not me, sir! (Though she didn't have sex for like thirty years or something. But I'm used to that by now. *sigh*)

I honestly think, BTW, that they keep Laura Bush well sedated so she won't actually realize what a moron she's married to and call him out. 'Cause that woman is NOT sober!

Will said...

I don't think most people consider Macbeth sexy--they're busy being hung up on the murder/evil/under the thumb of his wife business.

But two old school Shakespeare actors really did think so. Maurice Evans and Judith Anderson, nobody's idea of sex symbols, played the scene where Banquo's murder is plotted with their hands all over eachother and when the deal was closed they fell back on their bed together and started going at it as the camera faded out.

Like you, I was caught by that lovely moment where the campy-gay fashion assistant shared a bit of gay man to baby gay man support and wisdom. I thougt, if they keep exploring that sort of connection the show could have some heart and a future.

Oso Raro said...

Some fun memories of Hallowe'en Chez Castro Street:

A group dressed as the Kennedy assassination, inluding Jackie's pink suit bloodied and Jack with his head split open

Two Queens dolled up as Fashion Policewomen, handing out tickets to offenders ("Chunky Jewelry: $50 fine")

A line of Asian American Queens dressed up as Beauty contestants, voguing on Market Street in floor-length sequined gowns and killer heels.

I would go as La India Bonita. But I tend not to celebrate our holiday. I teach that night :-(

Adam said...

You would make a TERRIFIC Roslin!

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Seeker Onos said...

Roslin creeps me out, but she was obviously better than the other choices (Zarek or Baltar)

Da Nator said...

I went as Zorra, the GLBT and Questioning Blade one year in the 90s. Sadly, nowadays I'd be more suited to go as Sgt. Garcia.

Will (UK) said...! How can you speak ill of Avery Brooks as Sisco?!?!?!

He was the best!!! An DS9 won sooo many awards - because it didn't suck and wasn't a total cheese/cliche fest like Enterprise...

...there rant over! ^_^