Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Put on Those Ol'Glory Short-Shorts

Today turned out to be a good day. Sun broke through the grey. Most of the ice has been cleared from the sidewalks. I connected with a friend via IM.

Now that we have passed Valentine’s Day, everything in the world seems so much better. There is something about the end of February where the tide seems to turn and it all rolls my way – at least for a little bit.

During the bleak January, though, there was some good news. In particular, we learned that Joss Whedon had been taken off the Wonder Woman film. Thank the goddess. The last thing we needed was Whedon’s pseudo-feminism or a Buffy knock off.

Now that the project is wide open, let me offer Warner Brothers my thoughts about how to make the Wonder Woman movie a success:

    Hire me to write it.

    Read the first years of Wonder Woman’s comic. When they make a Superman movie, do they go to that dreaded period when he had a fleet of Superman robots? No. They go back to the original stuff. If the comic was a hit the first time around, shouldn’t we pay attention to why?

    Why, you ask, was the original Wonder Woman comic so popular? Sweet, sweet bondage. Yep, it was all about the kink for William Moulton Marston.



    Remember that the Invisible Jet, to be effective, should also make the pilot invisible. In other words, don’t show a crazy looking Diana sitting on nothing and steering an imaginary yoke. She’s a superhero, not a mime.

    She has to wear the bizarre red, white, and blue Playboy-Bunny costume. The outfit makes the character. No outfit, no Wonder Woman. Do we all remember the god-forsaken Cathy Lee Crosby fiasco? No, we don’t. And why? No outfit.



    Wonder Woman first appeared as an intentionally feminist character. Granted, it was a weird, Freudian feminism – but still feminist. Don’t shy away from that message. She should be horrified when she arrives in man’s world. Think of all the things that would prove her mother right about men: Women getting paid 2/3 of men; Women being forced to do the majority of house work; Women not being given equal leadership roles in government; women being named “Tipper.” These would be Wonder Woman's worst nightmare.



    Have Wonder Woman use her magic bracelets to deflect bullets fired by Dick Cheney during a quail hunt.

    Don’t forget Diana Prince. The comic often struggled without the alter-ego. That’s the deal with DC heros. They need their secret identity. You could practically hear the nation squealing with delight when the recent relaunch resurrected Diana Prince. Well, okay, maybe it wasn’t the nation that was squealing. Still, you could hear all comic geeks squealing. Well, okay, maybe not all comic geeks were squealing. Fine – It was me that you heard squealing. We need Diana Prince.

    We can probably dump the magic girdle idea.

    More tiara, less lasso.

    If you have trouble imagining what Paradise Island would be like, sign up for an Olivia Cruise.

    When casting, remember that Diana is 2,468 years old when she enters man’s world. Do you really think that an actress who once starred on the O.C. could muster the gravitas necessary for that type of role? She’s not a teeny-bopper. Remember, it’s Wonder Woman – not that skank Wonder Girl (who we all hate).



    Cast an unknown in the role. It’s going to be hard filling Lynda Carter’s 9 ½ red and white boots. If unknown, nobody will have any preconceived notions.

    Hire me to direct it.

    Don’t forget that the only hero more powerful than Wonder Woman is Superman. She has the power of the whole earth behind her. Keep that in mind: the EARTH.

    Wonder Woman’s villains have been unfairly dismissed. Well, except Egg Fu, who was racist and, well, kinda disturbing. People sure did a lot of drugs in the sixties – and were really racist. Annyway, much can be done with Baroness von Gunther or Dr. Psycho. I also never understood why everybody loves Catwoman, but doesn’t like Cheetah (who appeared just three years after Catwoman in 1943). Really, they are basically the same character. If you can’t find a way to maker Wonder Woman’s villains interesting, you aren’t creative enough to be working on her film.



    If you must cast a known star, consider Selma Hayek. Okay, she doesn’t have blue eyes and might only have a fragmentary and incomplete sense of feminism. Still, beyond that, she had the right body and perfect hair for Wonder Woman.


    Steve Trevor will be the hardest character to make sympathetic. He was always kind of a jerk. My suggestion? Nobody will care if he is has rippling muscles and always runs around without a shirt. Mmm – Dreamy, dreamy Steve Trevor. Do you think Diana loved him for his brains? She was as wise as Athena – I don’t think that she turned to some minor-league flyboy for scintillating conversation.

    Don’t listen to fans like me.

13 comments:

seekeronos said...

Egg-Fu...?

Oh man, that is a riot. Right on down to the crossed "L's" and "R's".

Yeeesh.

You'd figure a three-story tall Communist Chinese Egg with a Mensa membership would at least be able to speak English with an American Midwest (non)Accent.

Atari_Age said...

I think the success of a WW movie would depend on three things.

1) Pay close attention to the original premise (as you point out).
2) Adapt to modern times and themes, but don't sacrifice the core concept for modern flair.
3) Make us care about the hero - for real.

This last one is critical.

I didn't care about Tim Burton's Batman a lot (though I enjoyed the movie). I really really cared about Chistian Bale in Batman Begins. I also wanted to have rough sex with him, but that's neither here nor there.

I cared a little bit about Reeve's Superman, but my heart broke for Routh's love-lost Superman Returns (and I also wanted to have rough sex with him).

Tobey Maguire's Spiderman: Care? Check. Wanna fuck? Check?

Hugh Jackman's Wolverine: Check. Triple-check.

And so on.

Ok, so add: (4) make them fuckable.

But it has to be all of the above. If they're just hot to look at but boring, than it ain't gonna work. Take Fantastic 4.

Actually, don't - that's my point.

Les said...

"Don’t forget that the only hero more powerful than Wonder Woman is Superman." I can feel the female empowerment right there. It's clogging up my pores.

Last night, I dreamt that I was Wonder Woman. Some nemesis had me trapped in an insane asylum. They were motivated by racist hate, as I was half-Latina. I had 1920's-style flapper hair, as that was authentic to the little-known original TV series which was overtly lesbian. You are effecting my dreams!

Chris said...

I think women do most of the chores because they care about those chores getting done. Men are usually more willing to put up with living in squalor.
Atari made me giggle.

Word ver: uehowrvw
Exactly.

Doug said...

Great argument except that last bit. It should say, "Don't listen to fans like me, but listen to me."

"She’s a superhero, not a mime."

ROFL!

Buck Ripsnort said...

1. The actress should have muscle. Not, say Nicole Bass level, but more athletic than fucking Sarah Michelle Gellar. Soft butch.
2. I cannot stress this strongly enough: CAT. FIGHTS.

Elizabeth McClung said...

Yes, I think a little super bondage would put this film up into collector item status pretty quick (I was never fond of Joss Whedon's habit of shooting lesbians and bisexual women as plot turns).

Also have to say, high scoring bonus points for being the first gay guy I have met who has actually HEARD of Olivia Cruises.

Cooper said...

I adore Selma Hayek. I wonder how she'd look in blue contact lenses?

seekeronos said...

Suppose the producers might throw us a funky plot twist, like a slightly butched up Titania done up in a more BDSM style as a catfight villian?

Or in the same vein, Giganta ?

jp said...

I was reading the comic frames you posted, and noticed something about the "Eveland girls completely overpowering the SEA MEN."

I think that plot needs to be incorporated into the movie.

gayborhood gringo said...

I'm with Atari on this one. :)

jeremy said...

(Donning fanboy cap.)
I think you'll regret not having Joss around for WW. Sure, most people know him for Buffy. But he's pretty entrenched in the comic book world as well.
What he's done with X-Men in his Astonishing label is pretty, well, astonishing. With his work on Runaways, you can add complicated plot structures to his penchant for reverently recreating classic characters.
Plus, when interviewed early on about what Wonder Woman was going to be about, he said, "Tying up men and making them tell the truth."

Huntington said...

My first television memory is being allowed to stay up late to watch the Kathie Lee Crosby iteration, and I distinctly remember complaining about that outfit the next day to my preschool teacher. I hope that earns me some GayProf points...