Tuesday, February 13, 2007


My least favorite holiday is upon us: Valentine’s Day. Since I was a young child, this day has just never gone my way. When I was in school, we had to exchange Valentine’s Day cards. It was a court-order or Congressional edict or something. In third grade, my fellow students made fun of my Valentine’s day cards because of my poor handwriting and spelling skills (Which, in truth, were really quite poor). It made me cry. Since that day, my experiences on February 14 have basically gone downhill.

High School was even worse. Student organizations sold carnations as a scam oblique measure of popularity fund raiser. Basically, you paid $1 to send a red carnation to somebody you lusted after liked romantically or a white carnation to “just a friend.” Oh, I got lots of white carnations from the many girls around me. Did I ever get the red carnation from Mario Pacheco that I longed for? No. Stupid Valentine’s Day and secret-unfulfilled-high-school crushes from before I even came out of the closet.

Apparently I am not alone in my bad feelings towards V-Day, either. According to many polls, a simple majority of people are in favor of eliminating Valentine’s Day altogether. What other holiday has that? Some people might not like the commercialism in Christmas, but you will never get 51 percent to say that they don’t want all those presents. When was the last time you heard somebody suggest not celebrating New Year’s? “No, man,” they would say, “I liked 2006 too much. Let’s just keep that clock from rolling over. Tonight we’re gonna party like this night is not fundamentally different from any other night.”

Yet, more people dislike or are indifferent to Valentine’s Day than want to celebrate it. Are we all such slaves to commercialism that we just won’t let it go?

Today (February 13), I saw an ad for an on-line dating service that said “Alone? It’s not too late to find that special someone for Valentine’s Day.” Hey – That sounds like a healthy relationship in the making. Nothing like two people being made to feel like losers so that they will desperately cling to each other. Why not follow up this advertising genius with other ads that will result in equally dysfunctional relationships. How about: “Low Self Esteem? He’s not too married for you to start your own relationship with him.” Or, “Emotionally Stunted? Somebody just like your mother is out there – Find them on-line now.”

The reason people don’t like Valentine’s Day is that it never turns out like it’s supposed to turn out. If you are in a relationship(s), the pressure is simply too high. Everything feels contrived and artificial. If you aren’t in a relationship, a pink and white army emerges to tell you that you suck at every turn.

Well, screw all that. Being single on Valentine's Day won't prompt me to open a bottle of wine and drink alone. Nope - No wine for GayProf, cuz wine can't compare with vodka.

In the meantime, I have created a list of activities that are distinctly anti-Valentine’s Day:

    Contemplate the necessary economic conditions that would result in Hallmark’s financial collapse.

    Compose an essay outlining how Valentine’s Day is a hetero-sexist institution that enforces gender and sexual conformity. Print and distribute it on pink paper as an ironic statement.

    Listen to the commentary on That Girl DVD’s. Wonder how Marlo Thomas can have only the sketchiest memory of the show’s plot-lines, development, or fellow actors, but can remember every single outfit that she wore and where she acquired it.

    Marvel at the time it takes to mend a heart once it breaks.

    Bake some cookies.

    Get baked.

    Undermine heterosexual marriages simply by existing. It’s what we queer folk do – as a people.

    Consider what it means (if anything) that the fictional character that you have most related to in the past few years is the suicidal gay Proust scholar in Little Miss Sunshine. Well, that character and Helen Mirren’s Queen. Yeah, it’s a real mystery why I don’t have a date tonight. **Sigh.**

    While thinking about Little Miss Sunshine, debate via text-message with a sassy friend whether the film is a repudiation of Nietzsche’s philosophies in favor of Proust or if the film seeks to reconcile these two figures (Actually, I already had this conversation via txt-msg. I am not sure that I have an answer. After all, I am no suicidal gay Proust/Nietzche scholar. Let me tell you, though, it takes forever to spell out Thus Spoke Zarathustra when you only have a standard 12-button pad on your cell phone. -– What?)

    Get laid.

    Wonder if getting a Pharaoh hound would be worth the hassle of their in-bred genetic problems simply so that you could have a dog that looked like the Egyptian god Anubis.

    Plot revenge on all of those snot-nosed third-grade bastards. Be sure that it involves a Carrie-like finale where you use your strange mental powers to make them pay.

    Develop strange mental powers

    Send hate mail to the pope – again.

    Convince yourself that writing an anti-Valentine's Day screed does not at all mean that you are bitter.

    Watch gay porn.

    Make gay porn.

    Ponder if drinking liquor after eating a container of yogurt kills the L. Acidophilus and B. Bifidus cultures, thus negating the benefits of eating the yogurt in the first place.

    Submit a proposal to Logo Network for you to star in the all-gay-male remake of Charlie’s Angels.

    Consider turning your blog into one long and continuous personal ad.

    Stage a production of the Vagina Monologues.

    Watch Hedwig and the Angry Inch and savor the bitterness.

    Refuse to be impressed by any Democratic presidential candidate who “just can’t support gay marriage because of their religious beliefs.”

    Finally, my annual favorite: Crush up Xanax into a bowl of ice cream and go to bed early.


Anonymous said...

you get out of it about the same amount as you put into it

Bruce said...


Let me add one more activity for
you to contemplate/do on Valentine's day: Send a red carnation to Mario Pacheco. You really should have done it years ago. Why wait for him to send one to you? After all, it was you that lusted after him.

The Goldfish said...

And you clearly put a lot into it. ;-)

Steve said...

Holy Crap! I just realized that for the longest time, my blog was nothing but one, long and continuous personal ad - but I stuck with it and I finally hooked someone. And for the record, last night I had a bowl of ice cream and a Xanax before bed. It never occurred to me to mix the two. What a treat!

Anonymous said...

Thank god you said it so I don't have to. And so much better than I could, too!

My ideal picks from your list (not to say likely:

Get laid
Watch gay porn
Make gay porn

Actually, wouldn't that be the ultimate fuck you to Valentine's day? To make your very first gay porn video? Unless it wasn't your first, though. Course, it'd still be fun.

tornwordo said...

It's such a non holiday for us. In our nearly 14 years together, we have never even given a card. But working in the restaurant biz, you really see what a stupid holiday it is. All these couples, one racked with guilt, the other feeling disappointed spending gobs of cash for shitty food. The whole thing is so, well, lame.

Xanax and ice cream sounds absolutely dreamy.

MaggieMay said...

I love bruce. He's so wise. And of course, I love you, GayProf! I know this is just another white carnation in your cap (or wherever you put them), but know that I love you and your blog truly, madly, deeply!

Doug said...

What, no M&M's? Or S&M's? ;)

Don't get VD on VD.

You're awesome, GayProf. Have a happy day, whatever day it is. *hugs*

vuboq said...

You seem to have forgotten "Send lots of chocolate to VUBOQ."

Fortunately, there's still time!

*hugs* and *smooches*

Andrey said...

What this insn't a personal ad? Crap I've spent all this time getting to know GayProf simply for the promise of 'getting some'.

Cooper said...

I commiserate about the grade school Valentine thing. We were forced to do that too ... the "no broken-hearted child left behind" thing. In second grade I cried because I couldn't give out the Ninja Turtle valentines that all the other kids were giving. I had to make lame ones with red paper, glue and bits of macaroni, something which for 7 year olds is the same as issuing invitations for open-season teasing.

As I commented on another blog, today I am celebrating my love for my doggie. Yes. This is her day ... I've made her special biscuits and I might even take her out for dinner.

GayProf said...

Anon: Well, that's . . . um . . . Huh?

Bruce: Oh, I have looked for Mario Pacheco -- Trust me. That isn't exactly a unique name, though, in my former neck of the woods.

Goldfish: Only the best drugs and liquor that i can find.

Steve: Did you really meet through the blog?

Atari: This will give you an idea of how screwed up my priorities are:

The "wintery mix" we are experiencing has made me decide that getting laid would require way too much effort. Only if the weather clears up will I event think about it.

Torn: Passing the day without notice seems civilized to me.

MaggieMay: Aww, I love you too. Not in a Mario Pacheco sort of way, but still...

Doug: Oh, I forgot to mention that Target now sells a 3lb bag of M&M's. It's obscene. Yet, I still bought it.

VUBOQ: What?! You haven't gotten all that chocolate that I sent you?

Andrey: Actually I just put that line in there so that it would throw people off the scent of this blog's real purpose.

Cooper: Oh the shame of having to make Valentine's! Isn't it amazing how we learn at such an early age that commercial products are somehow superior to ones that we could do ourselves (and require more effort and thought).

As for your dog-date, I am not sure about Canada, but that's illegal in many states in the U.S. I am not sayin', I am just sayin'.

Larry said...

Ha ha ha. I totally forgot today was Valentines Day until I read this :)

They better turn up the capitalist mind- control ray. It doesn't seem to be working on me this year :)

Helen said...

Well darlin', maybe...just maybe...Valentine's Day could be viewed as a holiday about love in general, rather than a bullshit corporate plot against the single and attached alike. Might do you some good to use it as a day to reflect upon and appreciate all of the people in your life who love you, as I know there are many.

Or you could just make some gay porn. That one's good too.

marlan said...

Sign me up for the Charlie's Angels remake. I look good in pastel polos and I have a lot of stalking oops, I mean sleuthing experience. I'd like to play Chris, so I can drive that Mustang II

Chris said...

Yup, we met through our blogs.



Bill S. said...

I look forward to seeing your staging of The Vagina Monologues. Or at least your gay porn.

Happy Day Just Like Every Other Day!

kusala said...

This. List. Is. Fantastic.

Glad I popped by after not reading you for a few weeks.

Oh, and isn't it Thus Spake Zarathurstra?

goblinbox said...

Vodka is totally my date this VD. Totally.

Tenured Radical said...

That's it, guy. I'm linking you. You are fabulous.

Tenured Radical

Frank said...

I vote for the "Make a gay porn" option. But the Charlie's Angels one sounds intriguing. Can I be the smart one?

Happy Valentine's Day, GayProf! Here, have a red carnation!

Sfrajett said...

I like to snort my Xanax, but other than that, I agree with you 110% that Valentine's Day sucks, that Charlie's Angels should be remade with an all-gay cast, and that watching That Girl while snorting Xanax is nothing short of heaven. While drinking a martini.
Happy V-Day gay prof. The fact that you love The Queen and suicidal Proust guy in Little Miss Sunshine only makes me love you more.

lifeon8avenue said...

check out my blog when u get a chance

Rebekah said...

I like what Helen said. I'm mushy and corny by nature, and Valentine's day gives me leave to express it without mockery.

Besides, if I had a boyfriend, my friends wouldn't have gotten such cute little gifties yesterday.

GayProf said...

Larry: Clearly the chip inserted behind your ear is not functioning properly. Please report to your local mall for repairs.

Helen: That's nice -- but the porn idea is more fun.

Marlan: Chris and Jill did get the best car. I still can't believe they made Sabrina drive a Pinto.

Chris: You two offer hope for other things that can happen through a blog.

Bill S.: My version of the Vagina Monologues is a lot like Celine Dion singing in English. Sure, she can say the words, but she never seems to really understand what she is saying.

Kusala: What do you mean you haven't been reading me?!?

Goblininbox: Vodka treated me well.

Tenured Radical: I appreciate the linky.

Frank: If you are the "smart one"(Sabrina, btw), then you have to drive the aforementioned Pinto. Or, I guess the modern equivalent... A Focus?

Sfrajett: Snorting Xanax just seems too extreme. I prefer a gentle approach.

Rebekah: I don't seem to remember getting a gifty from you. . .

Jefe said...

Dude, they still do one of those ridiculous V-day "fundraiser" things at my freakin' ***law school***. Yet more proof that LS is just like HS.

Elena said...

I'm reading this a day late, but it warmed my heart anyway.

anapestic said...

Maybe it's just that I don't watch much network television, but V-Day doesn't seem like that much of a presence to me. If you're unlucky enough to hate Christmas, you've got it rough because there are decorations everywhere for months. If you hate V-Day, you can just avoid the seasonal aisle at the supermarket.

This year, in fact, the most I've read/seen about V-Day has been from bloggers railing against it. Which sort of leads me to believe that the situation is analagous to all of those people who were decrying the "war on Christmas" back in 2005, when I never noticed any diminution in Christmas celebrations. In other words, to a large extent, you're creating your own problem here.

Neither my partner nor I is the type to make a big deal of V-Day (though there had better be something nice for me -- preferably including gay porn -- on my birthday), so I knew there'd be no big celebration, and I was working late, but at the last minute I decided to stop on the way home and get some lemon sorbet and a bottle of prosecco. I mixed them together for a nice dessert on which we got mildly drunk. I would absolutely do the exact same thing if I were single. After all, there's no love like self-love.