Alone?

My least favorite holiday is upon us: Valentine’s Day. Since I was a young child, this day has just never gone my way. When I was in school, we had to exchange Valentine’s Day cards. It was a court-order or Congressional edict or something. In third grade, my fellow students made fun of my Valentine’s day cards because of my poor handwriting and spelling skills (Which, in truth, were really quite poor). It made me cry. Since that day, my experiences on February 14 have basically gone downhill.

High School was even worse. Student organizations sold carnations as a scam oblique measure of popularity fund raiser. Basically, you paid $1 to send a red carnation to somebody you lusted after liked romantically or a white carnation to “just a friend.” Oh, I got lots of white carnations from the many girls around me. Did I ever get the red carnation from Mario Pacheco that I longed for? No. Stupid Valentine’s Day and secret-unfulfilled-high-school crushes from before I even came out of the closet.

Apparently I am not alone in my bad feelings towards V-Day, either. According to many polls, a simple majority of people are in favor of eliminating Valentine’s Day altogether. What other holiday has that? Some people might not like the commercialism in Christmas, but you will never get 51 percent to say that they don’t want all those presents. When was the last time you heard somebody suggest not celebrating New Year’s? “No, man,” they would say, “I liked 2006 too much. Let’s just keep that clock from rolling over. Tonight we’re gonna party like this night is not fundamentally different from any other night.”

Yet, more people dislike or are indifferent to Valentine’s Day than want to celebrate it. Are we all such slaves to commercialism that we just won’t let it go?

Today (February 13), I saw an ad for an on-line dating service that said “Alone? It’s not too late to find that special someone for Valentine’s Day.” Hey – That sounds like a healthy relationship in the making. Nothing like two people being made to feel like losers so that they will desperately cling to each other. Why not follow up this advertising genius with other ads that will result in equally dysfunctional relationships. How about: “Low Self Esteem? He’s not too married for you to start your own relationship with him.” Or, “Emotionally Stunted? Somebody just like your mother is out there – Find them on-line now.”

The reason people don’t like Valentine’s Day is that it never turns out like it’s supposed to turn out. If you are in a relationship(s), the pressure is simply too high. Everything feels contrived and artificial. If you aren’t in a relationship, a pink and white army emerges to tell you that you suck at every turn.

Well, screw all that. Being single on Valentine's Day won't prompt me to open a bottle of wine and drink alone. Nope - No wine for GayProf, cuz wine can't compare with vodka.

In the meantime, I have created a list of activities that are distinctly anti-Valentine’s Day:

Contemplate the necessary economic conditions that would result in Hallmark’s financial collapse.

Compose an essay outlining how Valentine’s Day is a hetero-sexist institution that enforces gender and sexual conformity. Print and distribute it on pink paper as an ironic statement.

Listen to the commentary on That Girl DVD’s. Wonder how Marlo Thomas can have only the sketchiest memory of the show’s plot-lines, development, or fellow actors, but can remember every single outfit that she wore and where she acquired it.



Marvel at the time it takes to mend a heart once it breaks.

Bake some cookies.

Get baked.

Undermine heterosexual marriages simply by existing. It’s what we queer folk do – as a people.

Consider what it means (if anything) that the fictional character that you have most related to in the past few years is the suicidal gay Proust scholar in Little Miss Sunshine. Well, that character and Helen Mirren’s Queen. Yeah, it’s a real mystery why I don’t have a date tonight. **Sigh.**



While thinking about Little Miss Sunshine, debate via text-message with a sassy friend whether the film is a repudiation of Nietzsche’s philosophies in favor of Proust or if the film seeks to reconcile these two figures (Actually, I already had this conversation via txt-msg. I am not sure that I have an answer. After all, I am no suicidal gay Proust/Nietzche scholar. Let me tell you, though, it takes forever to spell out Thus Spoke Zarathustra when you only have a standard 12-button pad on your cell phone. -– What?)

Get laid.

Wonder if getting a Pharaoh hound would be worth the hassle of their in-bred genetic problems simply so that you could have a dog that looked like the Egyptian god Anubis.





Plot revenge on all of those snot-nosed third-grade bastards. Be sure that it involves a Carrie-like finale where you use your strange mental powers to make them pay.

Develop strange mental powers

Send hate mail to the pope – again.

Convince yourself that writing an anti-Valentine's Day screed does not at all mean that you are bitter.

Watch gay porn.

Make gay porn.

Ponder if drinking liquor after eating a container of yogurt kills the L. Acidophilus and B. Bifidus cultures, thus negating the benefits of eating the yogurt in the first place.


Submit a proposal to Logo Network for you to star in the all-gay-male remake of Charlie’s Angels.



Consider turning your blog into one long and continuous personal ad.

Stage a production of the Vagina Monologues.

Watch Hedwig and the Angry Inch and savor the bitterness.

Refuse to be impressed by any Democratic presidential candidate who “just can’t support gay marriage because of their religious beliefs.”

Finally, my annual favorite: Crush up Xanax into a bowl of ice cream and go to bed early.