Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Which Life Is He On?

I am now officially a resident of Midwestern Funky Town. I really hope that I am content to spend the rest of my days in my new little cottage, because the thought of moving again makes me want to take my own life.

Granted, this move was not nearly as traumatic as the move from Texas to Boston. For starters, my sister came to accompany me on the trip. Also, paying people to move your crap saves on a lot of backache.

Movers, I found, come with their own hassles. GayProf is not somebody who loses his temper easily. True, true, I can get mighty angry. Usually, though, I am more of a “slow-burn” type of guy. Indeed, I couldn’t even think of the last time that I yelled at anybody. My best guess is that it was Liar Ex (Who Should Have Been Yelled at Much More Because of All the Lies that He Told) a couple years ago.

Imagine my surprise when, at nine in the morning, I found myself in a yelling match with my “moving team leader” over the third delay in delivery. Actually, it wasn’t so much the delay that set me over the edge. In truth, the actual delivery time from Boston to MFT was pretty swift. Rather, I lost my shit after their latest delay when the team leader tried to claim that he had originally promised his new [late] time in the first place and was, therefore, not at all late (Somehow forgetting our previously missed appointments and the promise (PROMISE) that they would be there at this new time. I can deal with being late, but I can’t deal with a denial of a promise. Plus, moving just stretches me beyond my normal zen limits.

In short, I probably followed very few of Tenured Radical’s Patented Tips for a Healthy and Successful Move©. Why do we never learn from those who have the experience?

Now that I am in MFT, I have not had many opportunities to avail myself of its funkiness. On her last night in town, my sister and I ate at the local Ethiopian restaurant. Beyond that, my life has been devoted to unpacking and pensively waiting for my internet connection. No matter how many times I twitch my nose, the boxes don’t open themselves in order to allow all of my belongings to escape into their respective cupboards and shelves. Maybe I just need the right incantation... Untill then, I am just unwrapping. It’s like Christmas – Only there aren’t any surprises and I already owned everything. Maybe Uncle Arthur will pop up in my oven to break the monotony. . .



Many of you have inquired about Cat. Alas, if his master dislikes moving, Cat loathes it with every fiber in his tiny little being. He probably also despised his master for having misplaced the kitty tranquilizers.

We had not left Boston when the distinct smell of Cat scat made the car rotten (Dr. Seuss has nothing on me!). Well, I can at least count my blessings that he didn’t shit on me as he did last time.

Despite that inauspicious start, he settled down considerably by the second day. Indeed, he became so quiet during the second day that I began to wonder if he had suffered a heart attack and died somewhere along the journey.

What does one do if their pet dies on the road? Do you try to find a kitty crematorium and have them mail you the remains? Do you pack the body in dry ice? Do you stop at the next historic marker and make a hasty grave? These options all seemed like a fairly ignoble end for poor Cat.

Finally, when we crossed through yet another toll booth, Cat roused himself enough to register his ongoing complaint about his predicament. It was a relief to know that he had not yet shuffled off this mortal coil.

Now that we are in the new digs, Cat seems to be having a ball. After a year in a studio apartment, he seems almost drunk to run across the house (Yes, it as pictured in the previous post).

With all of my worry about Cat, I began to consider if, indeed, I have become "CrazyCatProf.” I go back and forth on this. In the end, I decided that I would let the readers of CoG decide. Here, ladies and gentleman of the jury, is the evidence:


    CrazyCatProf: I have made special trips to the grocery store just because Cat was out of snacks. He wasn’t out of FOOD, just snacks.

    Not CrazyCatProf: Once Cat does ascend to the great scratching post in the sky, I have no intention of replacing him with another cat. Don’t get me wrong – I love Cat and hope he has a long life. I am not keeping a death watch on him. It’s just that, once he is gone, I think that I will have accomplished all that can be fulfilled with feline ownership. In the future, I will adopt another dog (but probably only after I retire).

    CrazyCatProf: I know the exact type of ball that Cat will play with and which types of balls/toys bore him.

    Not CrazyCatProf: I rarely toss that ball around with him. I expect Cat to be self-entertaining.

    CrazyCatProf: I keep a statue of St. Francis around that I consider his.



    NotCrazyCatProf: I also happen to think it is a cool statue and would own it anyway.

    CrazyCatProf: When I travel, I have much angst about Cat’s safety and comfort.

    Not CrazyCatProf: Though he has a name, I rarely use it. He is most often referred to as “Cat.” For example, “Get out of my way, Cat.”

    CrazyCatProf: Though my own meager belongings are quite trashed at this point, I left behind Cat’s scratching post so that I could buy him a new one. Indeed, it is the only piece of “furniture” that was left behind so that it could replaced with a better one.

    Not CrazyCatProf: Though the sitting part is clearly too small for Cat, I opted for a new scratching post that was 75 percent off at the local pet store. They had the exact one that he had before, but that was full price. Given it is just some carpet and twine stapled to a bunch of plywood, I will always go for the bargain.

    CrazyCatProf: I was relieved that Cat didn’t seem to mind the much smaller seating section on his new post (Though he does look a bit squashed).

    Not CrazyCatProf: I consider scratching posts an investment to keep my furniture from being destroyed by a bored Cat.

    Not CrazyCatProf: If Cat is sleeping on a piece of furniture that I want to use, I will wake him up and toss him off (I have seen other people make other arrangements for themselves rather than disturb their sleeping animals).

    CrazyCatProf: I am not impressed when dates try to ingratiated themselves with me by paying attention to my cat. It just annoys us both. Tell me: What cat, anywhere on this planet, enjoys a stranger picking them up and getting in their face? None.

    Not CrazyCatProf: I have no trouble locking cat in another room for hours if I have a date (with food and water). Indeed, Cat knows not to whine or meow under such circumstances because I will not let him out (Consistency is the key!).

    Not CrazyCatProf: I consider forcing any animal to wear little sweaters and outfits inhumane. Even this one:



    Not CrazyCatProf: I have considered shaving my Cat to avoid having to deal with his fur everywhere.

    CrazyCatProf: I would consider letting somebody else adopt Cat a betrayal of the trust he placed in me.

    Not CrazyCatProf: I know that Cat does not really have human notions of "trust."

    CrazyCatProf: Cat clearly prefers my company over all other humans on the planet.

    Not CrazyCatProf: Given my many experiences with Cat shitting on everything, he will no longer have the pillow insert for his carrier ever again. From now on, Cat only travels in or on things that can be easily hosed down and disinfected. Screw his comfort.

    CrazyCatProf: I have just devoted a blog entry to my Cat.

31 comments:

Marlan said...

On balance, I think the notcrazycats guy wins by a whisker.

Had you begun an exegesis on cartoon cats from Felix to Scratchy, with a sub thesis on the stupidity of cartoon cats in the Warner Brothers oevre, I might have worried more about you. No matter how witty it may have been, it would have been a dark insight into your soul.

Rebekah said...

Will you ever bestow the honor of Cat's likeness on us, your humble readers?

As far as I'm concerned, just the fact that you own a cat is enough to define you as crazy. Dogs man, dogs are the right kind of animal.

Having said that, I agree with marlan, that you are just on the side of notcrazycatprof.

hello, my name is danny. said...

surely "not crazycatprof" was a ploy. no cat owner is sane. i know because i have forgone sleeping on my side of the bed because my cat decided he needed to nestle himself within MY pillows.

of course, my hubby did enjoy the fact that we would be sharing more cozy sleeping arrangements.

dykewife said...

sorry, if you were a crazycatprof you'd have about 70 cats. since you don't you're dotingcatprof.

tornwordo said...

Congrats on settling into your and cat's new digs. Of course I love the stories of cat and scat. And it's good to know that one is sufficient and that you will not become one of those crazy cat-ladies. I have to agree with Rebekah, dogs are where it's at.

vuboq said...

I think the deciding factor to determine if you are a CrazyCatProf would be if you engage in conversations about Cat with other cat owners ... especially someone you just met. [I will test this the next time I am in MFT].

Glad your move is over and you are settling in! There's a really yummy vegetarian restaurant you should try. I think it's called Seva, but ask the superfantastic cuzin to make sure. Mmm. So good.

Alan said...

Welcome, welcome, welcome, crazycatprof!

Glad you're starting to find your way around. You already found one of our little restaurant gems. There are plenty of others (the vegetarian restaurant Vubog mentions above is indeed called Seva, and it's great!)

Say hi if you see me wandrin' around.

Steven said...

Welcome "home!" I hope the worst of the move is over. And I'm glad that CrazyCat is accustomed. It took mine a good 2 weeks before he would come out of his room.

vuboq's cat-crazy cousin said...

Dear Gay Prof,

One of my cats just had a bad cold (or something). We had to shove antibiotics down his throat twice a day, keep him inside, and spent large parts of every day worrying about him, discussing his health, and listening to him breathe. It was a horrible insight into what we might be like as parents (of humans): insane. I am forced to admit that both my husband and I are cat crazy. As such, I am no longer qualified to judge the catsanity of others.

Clio Bluestocking said...

Oh, no, you aren't CrazyCatProf, you just love your kitty (within reasonable limits, of course). That is sweet! When let your pet sit on your lap and pretend to man (dog? cat?) the wheel while you drive, you have crossed over into CrazyPetOwnerdom.

I speak as a former CrazyDachshund Lady.

Sarah said...

When my kitty got cancer, my mom drove her an hour and a half, each way, twice a week for kitty radiation. It isn't craziness, it's love.

(I would have driven her myself, but I was only 10.)

pacalaga said...

EVERYONE prefers your company to that of any other humans on the planet.

David said...

I am with Dykewife: doting not crazy.

I'm crazy.

Cooper said...

You're not quite at CatCrazyProf status. You haven't yet baked him (from scratch) his own special cookie snacks. Yes, I have done this for my dog.

Welcome home to both you and Cat!

Artistic Soul said...

Maybe you need a dog who acts like a cat most of the time -- that's what I have so I get the perks of both. :)

Actually, I never thought I'd like being a pet owner, but it's not so bad.

Lacey said...

I'd have to say you're right on the edge. It could go either way, but right now, I'm leaning towards NOT. When you reconsider moving CAT so that you can sit there...I will re-evalutate the situation.

baron scarpia said...

Cats are better than dogs. I don't need to argue this; it is a self-evident fact. Because of this, and because you obviously don't let Cat push you around, you are not crazy.

Congratulations on making your move without killing either Cat or one of the movers.

Marius said...

CrazyCatProf: I have just devoted a blog entry to my Cat.

LOL! Love that last one. Glad to hear you're settling in to your new home. I look forward to reading about your adventures in MFT. Also, you should take advantage of your "fresh meat" status among the local gays. Oh, the possibilities!

Take care!

Earl Cootie said...

I'm definitely coming down on the side of "not". I agree with dykewife that multiple cats are required for that.

And (not fishing for a date, but) I'll have you know that I would never come on to anyone's cat. In fact, I'll usually make a flattering yet restrained comment on the animal's appearance/behavior/regal bearing, then proceed to ignore it until such time as it decides to pay attention to me. (Fear of rejection, likely.)

GayProf said...

Marlan: I thought Scratchy was the mouse...

Rebekah: Cat has made a cameo appearance on the blog, but I think that you might have been in Las Vegas at the time.

Hello, My Name is Danny: Yeah, see? I would totally push the cat out of my way. The cat can share the bed with me, but I always have priority. He is, after all, just a cat.

DykeWife: One of the many reasons why I will never have more than one pet at a time. No 70 cats, 70 dogs, 70 birds, or 70 fish.

Torn: My parents always had dogs as they clearly had an anti-cat agenda. I tend to agree that dogs are more loyal, affectionate, and functional pets. On the other hand, I really like the fact that Cat can be self-sufficient for several days before needing a human. I travel just enough that having a dog would be a huge inconvenience (not to mention simply working late at the office on many days).

VUBOQ: I think that I noticed Seva the other day. I'll add it to the list.

Alan: Or, if you are free for coffee or a drink, we could force the hand of randomness...

Steven: Cat has had different reactions to the many different moves that I have made with him. It always took him much longer to adjust to any new place in Texas. The move to Boston and the move to MFT, though, seems to be fine (once he was actually there -- Transport, as we have noted, is another matter entirely).

VUBOQ's Crazy Cat Cousin: I've already decided. When Cat reaches the point that he needs daily injections to keep him alive, it is time to put him down.

Clio: Well, given that Cat tends to shit on my lap when I take him out of the box in the car, it is a safe bet that I will never have him pretend to drive.

Sarah: But was it love for Kitty or Mom's love for you?

Pacalaga: Well, I can't really argue with that.

David: As long as your cat is not wearing little clothes that you sewed yourself, you're cool by me.

Cooper: I don't think Cat would like my cooking.

Artistic Soul: I actually like most animals. Like you, I didn't imagine that I would like being a cat owner. It turns out, it has lots of perks.

Lacey: Cat has some rights as an animal, but free access to my furniture is not one of them.

Baron: Congratulations on making your move without killing either Cat or one of the movers.

It was touch and go on both fronts.

Marius: You are right, I should. -- I am not feeling particularly "fresh" at the moment, though.

Earl: If you delete the self-doubt bit, I think that is the normal and healthy way to approach any animal. Yet, I had several guys who were always shoving their hands all over my Cat despite his obvious disdain. It always conjured up images of Lennie Small from Of Mice and Men. Who wants to date Lennie?

AcadeMama said...

You are hereby officially Not Crazy CatProf. You are, rather, Know My CatProf. That is, you know him like nobody else b/c you care for him 24/7, and thus the knowing is to be expected. Crazy CatPeople have to meet many other requirements: multiple cats, cats with their "own" individualy sleeping, eating, pruning habits that take precedent over their owner's existence or preferences, etc. Thank Goddess you're not Crazy CatProf....there are enough of those already, thank you very much.

Marlan said...

au contraire, Scratchy is the cat.

Roger Green said...

On the other hand, no new furniture for you, only the feline? This is...troubling.

New Kid on the Hallway said...

Just wanted to congratulate you on the successful move. I am in the midst of packing hell, which is why I'm commenting on blogs. Wanna send your movers my way? Although I will say I've never got in a shouting match with movers - I've cried at them, though, which was moderately effective.

From a definitely CrazyCatProf. But luckily, my cats never shit in the car.

Elizabeth McClung said...

I am glad the move is done and now we can find out if you are the "everything will be unpacked by this weekend" or "I have been here 4 years and still have a wall of unpacked boxes" type of person.

As for the debate, once I found out that your cat owns its own St. Francis statue, nothing was getting you out of the Crazycatprof category - you are thinking buying a discount scratching post makes you "more adjusted" when your cat has its own sculpture? When will the cat voice in your head demand some topiary?

CoffeeDog said...

I gave up the crazy cat doting life when one of them started to spray all over the place. I do like 'em, cats, sounds like your has a cushy life

Word verification for this post is SHIOT. The cat SHIOT in the car

Sin said...

I suspect that the "crazy v. not-crazy" debate will only finally be resolved once you're in your dotage, and will depend largely on the number of felines living with you past the age of 60.

Also, on whether you're eaten by them. The decision can be made post-humously!

JaneB said...

I vote for NotCrazyCatProf - you treat Cat as a cat, not as a sort of demanding child!

The self-sufficiency of cats makes them far superior pets for working people than dogs - my Mog (who has another name but is usually referred to as 'oi, Mog! Get off that!') is more of a furry flatmate (who does not argue, play crap music or leave the milk out of the fridge like human flatmates) than a dependent pet...

Line Cat's box with a nice thick layer of old newspaper instead of the cushion - moderately absorbent, easily removed and binned along with any scat or piddle... - Mog much prefers paper to her old cushion anyway, possibly because her usual attempts to sit on the paper always happen when I am reading it and trigger 'Oi! Mog!...'

Dair Bear said...

Meh... I still think you're borderline, then again, I think you might be crazy for having a cat, vicious little furballs the lot of them!

Anyway, glad to hear you're settling in.

GayProf said...

Academama: I am probably also a "Love Me, Love My Cat Prof."

ROG: In my defense, human furniture is much more expensive than Cat's $20 scratching post.

New Kid: You have my moving sympathies -- I hope the journey is free of incident, to quote a certain vulcan.

Elizabeth: Don't be silly -- Cat can't request topiaries. He never goes outside.

CoffeeDog: Oooh -- I love it when the word verification has some vague link to the post.

Sin: So does eating the cat qualify as CrazyCatProf or NotCrazyCatProf?

JaneB: Thanks for the tip. Newspapers are in Cat's future. I am guessing he won't miss he is (now) stinking pillow anyway.

Dair Bear: I am glad to hear from you again! Do you have a new bloggy?

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