Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Since Somebody Asked. . .

Most of us bloggers keep an eye on the number of people who visit our particular plot on the internet. When I first started the blog, I remember that I slavishly checked the statcounter every few minutes to see who was reading the blog. At some point, though, I just relaxed about it.

Still, I check in at least daily to see the numbers and the referrals. As many of us know, Google searches provide the most unexpected links to our blogs.

Over the past several months, I have been keeping track of questions posed to Google that brought new readers to CoG. Since I imagine most were disappointed with what they actually found on this blog, I will try to dutifully answer those questions right now. After all, I consider CoG a public service. I am a giver like that.

All of these are real questions that people typed into Google only to end up here:

Why are homos against Christianity?

    Well, just taking a stab in the dark, I would say some of our resentment might come from Christians referring to us as “homos.” Or maybe we find it nauseating that holier-than-thou “Christians” refuse to allow us access to religious sites, even for funerals.

    Still, it’s too simplistic to say that all queer folk oppose Christianity. Likewise, not all hetero Christians are hate mongers.

    Many queer people turn to the religious beliefs of their childhood for spiritual comfort. Others just love the costume changes, incense, and theatricality that comes with organized religion. It’s the same reason that so many gay men join the navy. Well, that and all the hot man-on-man sex.

How to cure a bewitched penis?

    Probably it involves twitching your nose.

Was Jackie Kennedy really Isis reincarnated?

    Oh.My.God. What a fantastic theory! Both Isis and Jackie Kennedy were associated with the pursuit of wisdom and knowledge. They both knew how to rock a fabulous buckle and accessorize for success. They both fashioned their husband’s penis out of gold. Oh, wait – I am not sure that Isis did that last one.

    Does that make JFK into Osiris? Were they brother and sister (eeeeeeeeeeeeeew! (Though this would also explain the inscrutable House of Yes)).

    Perhaps, though, when Jackie was still a Bouvier, she participated in an archaeological dig where she discovered an ancient amulet. With that amulet she controlled the powers of the animals and the elements. She could soar as the falcon soars, run with the speed of gazelles and command the elements of sky and earth.

    Then again, if she were really a god personified, I am going to guess that she might have stopped all the death that surrounded her. Or, at the very least, kept the tabloid photographers at bay.

Did Princess Leia have sex with Jabba the Hut during her enslavement?

    Um – Well – I – Um – That is just nasty. Stay away from my blog.

Is having a baby too bourgeois?

    No – But ignoring the long-term societal and environmental consequences of such a decision is irresponsible in my book (regardless of your relationship to the means of production). Let’s not talk about the nation’s “children” as if they will be five years old forever. Those children grow up to be the super consumers of the earth’s resources that are causing havoc with the world.

    If you must have a biological child, the best option for our earth is to delay having a baby until later in your life and then limit the number to one. Really, the planet does not need more humans (no matter how valuable you imagine your personal DNA).

    The really, really best option, though, is to adopt. There are many children who already exist in the world who are homeless and need a loving parent. I have immeasurable respect for people (queer or straight) who chose this option over having biological children. In contrast, I lose respect for people who have tons and tons of biological children out of complete selfishness.

Why do men like short shorts?

    Probably men like short shorts because they are short.

    I don’t think that it is because men participate in a vast conspiracy to bring the cotton industry to its knees. Nope – They just want to check your bod.

    At first I thought that question was about hetero men. Then I realized, we gay boys like men in short shorts, too. We all want to read the writing on the label before we buy.

How to get gravitas?

    I am guessing Katie Couric asked Google this question in a desperate ploy to save her CBS gig.

    Katie, don’t fret. You can be just like me, a god of gravitas, in five easy steps:

      1. Allow the world’s many problems to weigh heavily on your mind at all time.

      2. No longer watch movies and television for entertainment. Instead, they must always be scrutinized for their statements about race, gender, and sexuality.

      3. Buy clothing made of all natural fibers. Actually, this really doesn’t have anything to do with gravitas, but it’s good advice anyway.

      4. Lead a personal life filled with disappointment and heartbreak (I am guessing you are way ahead on this one).

      5. Grow a goatee (You, in particular, will get triple gravitas points for this one).

    How will you know if you have succeeded? It will come at the time when you start wondering if your garbage men judge you because all of your recyclables are wine bottles. When you come home to an intervention hosted by those same garbage men, you will know that you have gone too far.

Do Bostonians like Texans?

    No. No, they don’t. Why? Well, the majority of Bostonian voters are against the death penalty (much like the EU), support (though fail to enforce) civil rights, believe health care is a human right, respect diversity, and believe gay people are, well, human. In short, they are exactly the opposite of the majority of Texan voters. Bostonians also bristle at overt displays of religiosity. I felt so at home in Boston . . . **sigh**.

Is Anderson Cooper/Mika/Jodi Foster/ Ron Stoppable/Sean Hayes gay?

    If you have to ask the question . . .

Am I still straight if I get turned on by watching gay porn?

    Well, I always think that straight porn is a bit queer myself anyway. Why do straight men depend so heavily on seeing another man ejaculate for their erotic enjoyment?

    If, though, you are watching gay porn exclusively, I would say that this doesn't necessarily mean that you are gay. It does, however, mean that you sure as hell aren't straight. But, hey, now that you know, this opens up a whole new world. If you like seeing it on the big screen, you will love having it at home!

Can you get a vaginal infection from spray tanning?

    Why are you tanning your vagina? Are you worried that your vagina doesn’t look like it spends enough quality time frolicking at the beach?

    I have never had a vagina, but, if I did, I would probably avoid dousing it with harsh chemicals. It goes without saying that any man-made substance that you introduce to the vaginal area could potentially have serious side effects (that includes semen).

Where can I find pretty lesbians in the Rio Grande Valley?

    It surprises me that you are finding this a challenge. Some of the most beautiful people I have ever seen resided in the Rio Grande Valley. Okay, I only had eyes for the men. Still, I am sure that women live there too. Some of them must be lesbians.

    Overall, I would say pretty is as pretty does. What have you done to make yourself pretty today?

Did James Dean have crabs?

    From what I understand, James Dean practiced very poor personal hygiene. Combine that with his sexually adventurous personality and I would be willing to bet that he did have crabs (at least once).

    Still, there is no historical evidence of such things to my knowledge. And, let’s be honest, you still would have done him anyway.

How can I perk up my nipples?

    Ice – and lots of it.

Is GayProf physically attractive in real life?

    I am, except when I am not.

    Since I started stalking him, I realized that I look a tad like a human incarnation of Dr. Strange. Or maybe it’s just because we both wear the same long flowing red cape and control the mysteries of the universe through cryptic incantations. Whatever.


Cincy Diva said...

I bet James Dean doesn't have crabs now...always did love his sausage tho.

vuboq said...

This entry makes me *heart* GayProf even more ...

I am sad though, knowing I can never achieve Step 5 in gaining gravitas. *sigh* I shall resign myself to a life of frivolous frivolity.

adjunct whore said...

i can be gravitas? how fabulous!

Earl Cootie said...

I was in love with Dr. Strange when I was a kid, although he did nothing but perform magic while looking mysterious and dashing.

Huntington said...

The contrasts on that last pic of Dr. Strange make it seem like he's wearing a fabulous red and black ball gown. Another similarity between you two?

GayProf said...

Cincy Diva: I bet James Dean doesn't have much of anything now.

VUBOQ: And GayProf hearts you, too -- Even if you are facial folliclly challenged.

Adjunct Whore: We can all be GayProf if we try.

Earl: I can look mysterious, but I am having trouble mastering dashing. I do have the nose twitch down -- Oh, wait, that is something else.

Huntington: You know, I think that Dr. Strange shops in the International Male catalog much more than I do. We might need to take him to the mall.

Marlan said...

Piercings also make the nipples perky. Just sayin.

Huntington said...

Wait...you mean people actually use those catalogs to shop for clothes?

Huh. Learn something new every day.

Roger Green said...

A Texas joke:

Post Turtle

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year-old Texas rancher, whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to former Texas Governor, George W. Bush, and his elevation to the White House.

The old Texan said, "Well, ya know, Bush is a post turtle."

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a post turtle was.

The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road, and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that is a post turtle."

The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain.

"You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you just want to help the dumb shit get down."

David said...

Simply for referecing The Mighty Isis TV show and quoting directly from the opening sequence, I will love you for all eternity.

That made my day.

Doug said...

I always cured a bewitched penis by sucking the demon out.

Demon. Demon. Demon.

goblinbox said...

I totally *heart* GayProf because GayProf answers the questions so seriously.

I wonder how much gay porn one can consume before having to admit one is bi. Like, by weight - not volume.

Marius said...

Interesting questions. I love the one about the RGV lesbians. I can answer some RGV related questions, but RGV lesbians are quite elusive. I've seen a few lovely ones. But I've also seen some very scary RGV lesbians. Oh, the stories I could tell.

Did Princess Leia have sex with Jabba the Hut during her enslavement?

Yeah, that question is a bit disturbing. I try not to think about it, but the possibility will always be there. Regarding the Christianity issue, the whole thing is too complicated. How can one reach any reasonable conclusions when the issue can be approached from so many different perspectives? That's why I love science. It's not perfect, but it's far more objective.

Great post!

Also, I'm glad you think RGV people are beautiful. :)

dykewife said...

no matter who the man is, short shorts always make men's legs look like chicken legs. it's true. no matter how fit the guy is, chicken legs.

tornwordo said...

I heard the drum ba-dam-bum and symbol after (that includes semen).

The world is full of strange inquisitors.

Rebekah said...

Bad hygiene.

A black mark to mr. Dean for that.

But wait. How do you know about his hygiene? And what defines bad hygiene? There's a sliding scale on that subject.

Hmm... perhaps a post in there.

Antonio said...

"No longer watch movies and television for entertainment. Instead, they must always be scrutinized for their statements about race, gender, and sexuality."

This takes me back to your entry about Debra Messing TV movie. I was like "Damn, this is like ten pages long". I'd hazard a guess that you complained that the actors in Brokeback Mountain were straight.

As for the Jabba the Hut question, my sister actually asked me that question when we watched Return of the Jedi. Lord help us.

Can anyone tell me how to see how people find my blog via Google?

GayProf said...

Marlan: Good point! Well done.

Huntington2: Well, apparently just Dr. Strange shops there.

ROG: Could we send the turtle to jail?

David: In retrospect, I am little confused why a high school science teacher was allowed to excavate in Egypt unsupervised. Then she stole priceless artifacts (even if they did give her superhuman powers). Still, if I could get away with that outfit, I would be wearing it right now.

Doug: You know, my penis has been feeling a little off lately...

Goblinbox: The better measure might be how much bandwith you use up on your internet connection...

Marius: I do have an appreciation for RGV people. Though, in truth, there are also some people in the RGV who are quite heavy.

DykeWife: Perhaps -- But I still enjoy the show.

Torn: Not all of my jokes can be winners.

Rebekah: In the couple biographies I have read on Dean (which was many years ago), I remember that many of the people who knew him commented on this. Apparently he would take little holidays from the shower for several days.

Antonio: I'd hazard a guess that you complained that the actors in Brokeback Mountain were straight.

Well, now that you mention it. . .

Bigg said...

You're way more attractive than Dr. Strange, GayProf.

Helen said...

This was already my favorite post ever. Then I saw the tag "vaginas-care of," and at that point had what I believe to be a a small, hopefully harmless stroke.

Dr. Strange = chopped liver, next to you.

The Persian said...

yikes, you reminded me to install Statcounter on my blog. I forgot to do that when I made the new template.

I do find it interesting to see where the hits come from, especially from other parts of the world.

and to answer the question:

"Is GayProf physically attractive in real life?"

I would have to say he is very cute, the spanish influence definitely gives him a dark seductive look. (I have always been a sucker for darker guys)

Have a great weekend :)

Steven said...

I always had a feeling what you looked like and Dr. Strange fits the bill. Only you were much stronger. ;-)

I had to chuckle about Antonio's comment on Brokeback Mountain and your response.

diablo said...

HEY i'm from the rio grand valley! AND i'm a lesbian! i feel pretty, OH, so pretty, i feel pretty and witty and bright!

as a spokesman for the other side, i suppose i should offer some insight on christianity and homos. homos are the (re)incarnation of jesus; see how they suffer, how they are ostracized and are generally mistreated? we're here to determine who the real christians are - daddy (aka God) is watching who is mean to us :) it's so simple

diablo said...

p.s. i love isis! you clearly have your finger on the pulse of all things gay! would you like a cult to spring up around you?

GayProf said...

Bigg: Even though Dr. Strange has the amulet of Agamotto? Or maybe especially because he has the amulet of Agamotto?

Helen: Patients who are currently on blood thinners should not read CoG because this may increase the risk of stroke or other cardiovascular problems.

Persian: You're sweet and I appreciate that. If there is one thing I have not been feeling the past few days, though, it is cute. **Sigh**

Steven: My hair is a little less grey than Dr. Strange. Just sayin'.

Diablo: I do have my finger on the pulse of all things gay (if we are only talking about gay men who were children between 1975 and 1977).

Elizabeth McClung said...

Well, now that you are advising women to grow goatee's I can only boggle at the type of searchers who will soon be appearing here.

I guess more important - if they are all the way out in the desert - How come jabba has a metal bikini just the right size hanging around?

bardelf said...

What are the symptoms of a bewitching penis?!!!

Alan Scott said...

Hey, GayProf! I'm with David on this one for posting a picture of Isis! But also Dr. Strange and the postings of early Wonder Woman comics! Are you the same person as I am in another body? Hmmmm....