Shovel It

This past week has been the mid-semester break at Big Midwestern University. Because classes started so early, our half-way point came well before the end of February. At least they have the good sense not to call it a “Spring Break.” We had two snow storms within that period.

Snow has certainly lost its charm since the last time that I lived in the Midwest (in grad school). Perhaps a significant part of that disenchantment comes from the fact that I now have to shovel all this crap out of the way if I want to get out of my garage. I am starting to run out of places to stick all that snow. It is piled up along my fence and I can’t imagine the mess it will make when it starts to melt.

The other day, while I was out huffing and puffing with my trusty shovel, I wondered what it would be like if we depended upon our nation’s politicians to do such a basic task. How would they grapple with being responsible for shoveling their own driveway clear in Midwestern Funky Town?

George W. Bush: Snow hates America’s freedom. That’s why I ordered the military to shovel snow, not in Midwestern Funky Town, but Arizona instead.

Condoleezza Rice: Despite having a memo delivered to me entitled “Five Inches of Snow Imminent,” there was no way real way that we could have predicted this snow fall. It’s all the previous administration’s fault.

Barack Obama: I have zero experience shoveling snow. In fact, I was raised in Hawai'i. Still, I am sure that if we all have hope, the snow will magically melt all on its own. Aren't I charming?

Dick Cheney: I will do nothing about the actual snow, but I have already asked Google maps to remove it from satellite images so the enemy won’t know that it exists.



Bob Gates, Secretary of Defense: A surge in personnel will surely contain our snow problem – We just need to be patient and not expect the snow to be removed until next August.

Lou Dobbs: It was probably Mexican immigrants who sneaked into this country illegally so that they could deposit that snow in front of middle-class Americans' doors.

Bill Clinton: I did not have sexual relations with that snow. Well, it depends on your definition of "snow."

Former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales: I don’t recall there being any snow.



Current Attorney General Michael Mukasey: It only qualifies as snow if it happens in front of my house. Otherwise, I can’t comment on whether it is shovelable or not.

Ben Bernanke, Chairman of the Federal Reserve: The best way to combat that snow is to lower interests rates yet again. I mean, it's not like flooding the market with money is going to create inflation or anything.

John McCain: I applaud the Bush administration for all their hard work in shoveling snow in the past. The U.S. is more snow-free today than at any time in its history. You can expect the exact same type of snow removal service from me. By the way, have I ever mentioned that I was once a prisoner of war?



Hillary Clinton: Ignore the fact that I have done nothing to combat our nation's snow problem in the eight years that I have been in the Senate. If elected president, I would be ready on day-one to shovel that snow. In fact, I will be remembered as the snow-removing president.

Mitt Romney: When I ran for governor of Massachusetts, I said that I was in favor of shoveling snow. Now, though, my political views have evolved and I am fully opposed to the forcible removal of snow.

Exxon: Hey, if we keep up with all that gas guzzling and ignore global warming, nobody will have to worry about snow ever again. It's win-win.



The Nation’s News Media: Snow? Sorry, we can’t be bothered. Brittany Spears just showed up at a 7-11. We really need to devote 24-hour coverage to whether or not she purchased a Slurpee^©.

Bill Richardson: I am the only one who has the resume and experience to shovel that snow. Why didn’t anybody ever notice me? What the hell is wrong with this country?

Mike Huckabee: I believe it's a lot easier to shovel the snow than it would be to change the word of the living God. And that's what we need to do -- to shovel the snow so it's in God's standards rather than try to change God's standards so it lines up with some contemporary view. Praise Jesus.

Laura Bush: Look at the bozo that I chose to marry. Do you really think that I am smart enough to operate a shovel? Or even spell “shovel?”



Ralph Nader: It’s corporate interests that are keeping that snow from being shoveled. I will make sure that I am photographed in front of the unshoveled snow, condemn it loudly, and then leave you to deal with the mess.

Joe Solmonese, Director of HRC: If we get 1/8 of the snow cleared and nobody beats us to death with the shovel, I consider that a historic victory for the GLB community. Transgender people can shovel their own damn snow.