Most of us bloggers keep an eye on the number of people who visit our particular plot on the internet. When I first started the blog, I remember that I slavishly checked the statcounter every few minutes to see who was reading the blog. At some point, though, I just relaxed about it.Still, I check in at least daily to see the numbers and the referrals. As many of us know, Google searches provide the most unexpected links to our blogs.
Over the past several months, I have been keeping track of questions posed to Google that brought new readers to CoG. Since I imagine most were disappointed with what they actually found on this blog, I will try to dutifully answer those questions right now. After all, I consider CoG a public service. I am a giver like that.
All of these are real questions that people typed into Google only to end up here:
Why are homos against Christianity?
Well, just taking a stab in the dark, I would say some of our resentment might come from Christians referring to us as “homos.” Or maybe we find it nauseating that holier-than-thou “Christians” refuse to allow us access to religious sites, even for funerals.
Still, it’s too simplistic to say that all queer folk oppose Christianity. Likewise, not all hetero Christians are hate mongers.
Many queer people turn to the religious beliefs of their childhood for spiritual comfort. Others just love the costume changes, incense, and theatricality that comes with organized religion. It’s the same reason that so many gay men join the navy. Well, that and all the hot man-on-man sex.
How to cure a bewitched penis?
Probably it involves twitching your nose.
Was Jackie Kennedy really Isis reincarnated?
Oh.My.God. What a fantastic theory! Both Isis and Jackie Kennedy were associated with the pursuit of wisdom and knowledge. They both knew how to rock a fabulous buckle and accessorize for success. They both fashioned their husband’s penis out of gold. Oh, wait – I am not sure that Isis did that last one.
Does that make JFK into Osiris? Were they brother and sister (eeeeeeeeeeeeeew! (Though this would also explain the inscrutable House of Yes)).
Perhaps, though, when Jackie was still a Bouvier, she participated in an archaeological dig where she discovered an ancient amulet. With that amulet she controlled the powers of the animals and the elements. She could soar as the falcon soars, run with the speed of gazelles and command the elements of sky and earth.
Then again, if she were really a god personified, I am going to guess that she might have stopped all the death that surrounded her. Or, at the very least, kept the tabloid photographers at bay.
Did Princess Leia have sex with Jabba the Hut during her enslavement?
Um – Well – I – Um – That is just nasty. Stay away from my blog.
Is having a baby too bourgeois?
No – But ignoring the long-term societal and environmental consequences of such a decision is irresponsible in my book (regardless of your relationship to the means of production). Let’s not talk about the nation’s “children” as if they will be five years old forever. Those children grow up to be the super consumers of the earth’s resources that are causing havoc with the world.
If you must have a biological child, the best option for our earth is to delay having a baby until later in your life and then limit the number to one. Really, the planet does not need more humans (no matter how valuable you imagine your personal DNA).
The really, really best option, though, is to adopt. There are many children who already exist in the world who are homeless and need a loving parent. I have immeasurable respect for people (queer or straight) who chose this option over having biological children. In contrast, I lose respect for people who have tons and tons of biological children out of complete selfishness.
Why do men like short shorts?
Probably men like short shorts because they are short.
I don’t think that it is because men participate in a vast conspiracy to bring the cotton industry to its knees. Nope – They just want to check your bod.
At first I thought that question was about hetero men. Then I realized, we gay boys like men in short shorts, too. We all want to read the writing on the label before we buy.
How to get gravitas?
I am guessing Katie Couric asked Google this question in a desperate ploy to save her CBS gig.
Katie, don’t fret. You can be just like me, a god of gravitas, in five easy steps:
1. Allow the world’s many problems to weigh heavily on your mind at all time.
2. No longer watch movies and television for entertainment. Instead, they must always be scrutinized for their statements about race, gender, and sexuality.
3. Buy clothing made of all natural fibers. Actually, this really doesn’t have anything to do with gravitas, but it’s good advice anyway.
4. Lead a personal life filled with disappointment and heartbreak (I am guessing you are way ahead on this one).
5. Grow a goatee (You, in particular, will get triple gravitas points for this one).
How will you know if you have succeeded? It will come at the time when you start wondering if your garbage men judge you because all of your recyclables are wine bottles. When you come home to an intervention hosted by those same garbage men, you will know that you have gone too far.
Do Bostonians like Texans?
No. No, they don’t. Why? Well, the majority of Bostonian voters are against the death penalty (much like the EU), support (though fail to enforce) civil rights, believe health care is a human right, respect diversity, and believe gay people are, well, human. In short, they are exactly the opposite of the majority of Texan voters. Bostonians also bristle at overt displays of religiosity. I felt so at home in Boston . . . **sigh**.
Is Anderson Cooper/Mika/Jodi Foster/ Ron Stoppable/Sean Hayes gay?
If you have to ask the question . . .
Am I still straight if I get turned on by watching gay porn?
Well, I always think that straight porn is a bit queer myself anyway. Why do straight men depend so heavily on seeing another man ejaculate for their erotic enjoyment?
If, though, you are watching gay porn exclusively, I would say that this doesn't necessarily mean that you are gay. It does, however, mean that you sure as hell aren't straight. But, hey, now that you know, this opens up a whole new world. If you like seeing it on the big screen, you will love having it at home!
Can you get a vaginal infection from spray tanning?
Why are you tanning your vagina? Are you worried that your vagina doesn’t look like it spends enough quality time frolicking at the beach?
I have never had a vagina, but, if I did, I would probably avoid dousing it with harsh chemicals. It goes without saying that any man-made substance that you introduce to the vaginal area could potentially have serious side effects (that includes semen).
Where can I find pretty lesbians in the Rio Grande Valley?
It surprises me that you are finding this a challenge. Some of the most beautiful people I have ever seen resided in the Rio Grande Valley. Okay, I only had eyes for the men. Still, I am sure that women live there too. Some of them must be lesbians.
Overall, I would say pretty is as pretty does. What have you done to make yourself pretty today?
Did James Dean have crabs?
From what I understand, James Dean practiced very poor personal hygiene. Combine that with his sexually adventurous personality and I would be willing to bet that he did have crabs (at least once).
Still, there is no historical evidence of such things to my knowledge. And, let’s be honest, you still would have done him anyway.
How can I perk up my nipples?
Ice – and lots of it.
Is GayProf physically attractive in real life?
I am, except when I am not.
Since I started stalking him, I realized that I look a tad like a human incarnation of Dr. Strange. Or maybe it’s just because we both wear the same long flowing red cape and control the mysteries of the universe through cryptic incantations. Whatever.
