Center of Gravitas: Holidays

Showing posts with label Holidays. Show all posts

Monday, December 22, 2014

GayProf's Holiday Gift Guide 2014

Holidays always seem like a period of extreme endurance to me. For weeks we struggle with crowds of shoppers, awkward conversations with distant relatives, and even more awkward conversations with close relatives. Everybody scrambles and agonizes over what gift to buy that special somebody in their lives. For me, I don’t need lots of things just to prove that people adore me. No, no. In the immortal words of Pearl Bailey, just give me a five-pound box of money. Cash, after all, is always the perfect size and always the perfect color.

Not everybody, I recognize, has my pragmatic sense of the world. Many of you want to send just the right message with a present this year. To help you all out, here is my [almost]annual gift guide. Allow me to decipher just what those hidden messages are behind the gifts we give.
****

THE GIFT:

WHAT THE GIVER MEANT:

WHAT THE RECEIVER THINKS:

THE GIFT:

WHAT THE GIVER MEANT:

WHAT THE RECEIVER THINKS:

THE GIFT:

WHAT THE GIVER MEANT:

WHAT THE RECEIVE THINKS:

THE GIFT:

WHAT THE GIVER MEANT:

WHAT THE RECEIVER THINKS:

THE GIFT:

WHAT THE GIVER MEANT:

WHAT THE RECEIVER THINKS:

actual

THE GIFT:

WHAT THE GIVER MEANT:

WHAT THE RECEIVER THINKS:

THE GIFT:

WHAT THE GIVER MEANT:

WHAT THE RECEIVER THINKS:

THE GIFT:

WHAT THE GIVER MEANT:

WHAT THE RECEIVER THINKS:

THE GIFT:

WHAT THE GIVER MEANT:

WHAT THE RECEIVER THINKS:

THE GIFT:

WHAT THE GIVER MEANT:

WHAT THE RECEIVER THINKS:

THE GIFT:

WHAT THE GIVER MEANT:

WHAT THE RECEIVER THINKS:

THE GIFT:

WHAT THE GIVER MEANT:

WHAT THE RECEIVER THINKS:

THE GIFT:

“shared services”

WHAT THE GIVER MEANT:

WHAT THE RECEIVER THINKS:

THE GIFT:

WHAT THE GIVER MEANT:

WHAT THE RECEIVER THINKS:

THE GIFT:

WHAT THE GIVER MEANT:

WHAT THE RECEIVER THINKS:

THE GIFT:

WKRP in Cincinnati

WHAT THE GIVER MEANT:

WHAT THE RECEIVER THINKS:

THE GIFT:

WHAT THE GIVER MEANT:

WHAT THE RECEIVER THINKS:

THE GIFT:

WHAT THE GIVER MEANT:

WHAT THE RECEIVER THINKS:

Well, on that final cheerful note, I will simply extend my best non-sectarian, non-denominational winter greetings to you all. Enjoy the gifts whatever their hidden meanings.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Give It Up

December is passing by rather quickly. While we all know that I celebrate the winter Lunar celebration for the goddess Diana (wink), others are preparing for the big C. Or the big H (sometimes also C). Or the big K. The pressures of finding the perfect gifts for your loved ones, traveling to see your loved ones, and then spending an ungodly amount of time with your loved ones is likely driving you all batty. It’s like GayProf always says, “Family: Can’t live with them, can’t shove them in a trunk and drive them over a cliff.”

As I prepare the invisible jet for my return to Paradise Island, I wanted to offer my annual help to the loyal legions who keep vigil in cyberspace. Allow me to be your guide as you navigate these gift giving rituals. There is still plenty of time to figure out just what type of message you want to send with your presents this year:

***

The Gift:

What the Giver Meant:

What the Receiver Thinks:

The Gift:

What the Giver Meant:

What the Receiver Thinks:

The Gift:

Star Trek

What the Giver Meant:

What the Receiver Thinks:

The Gift:

What the Giver Meant:

What the Receiver Thinks:

The Gift:

What the Giver Meant:

What the Receiver Thinks:

The Gift:

What the Giver Meant:

What the Receiver Thinks:

The Gift:

What the Giver Meant:

What the Receiver Thinks:

The Gift:

What the Giver Meant:

What the Receiver Thinks:

The Gift:

What the Giver Meant:

What the Receiver Thinks:

Mad Men

The Gift:

Glee

What the Giver Meant:

What the Receiver Thinks:

The Gift:

Modern Family

What the Giver Meant:

What the Receiver Thinks:

The Gift:

Dallas

What the Giver Meant:

What the Receiver Thinks:

The Gift:

What the Giver Meant:

What the Receiver Thinks:

The Gift:

What the Giver Meant:

What the Receiver Thinks:

The Gift:

What the Giver Meant:

What the Receiver Thinks:

The Gift:

What the Giver Meant:

What the Receiver Thinks:

The Gift:

NERPoD

What the Giver Meant:

What the Receiver Thinks:

Secret Historian

The Gift:

What the Giver Meant:

What the Receiver Thinks:

The Gift:

What the Giver Meant:

What the Receiver Thinks:

The Gift:

What the Giver Meant:

What the Receiver Thinks:

The Gift:

What the Giver Meant:

What the Receiver Thinks:

The Gift:

What the Giver Meant:

What the Receiver Thinks:

The Gift:

What the Giver Meant:

What the Receiver Thinks:

The Gift:

What the Giver Meant:

What the Receiver Thinks:

The Gift:

What the Giver Meant:

What the Receiver Thinks:

The Gift:

What the Giver Meant:

What the Receiver Thinks:

The Gift:

What the Giver Meant:

What the Receiver Thinks:

The Gift:

What the Giver Meant:

What the Receiver Thinks:

The Gift:

What the Giver Meant:

What the Receiver Thinks:

The Gift:

Burlesque

What the Giver Meant:

What the Receiver Thinks:

The Gift:

What the Giver Meant:

What the Receiver Thinks:

The Gift:

What the Giver Meant:

What the Receiver Thinks:

The Gift:

What the Giver Meant:

What the Receiver Thinks:

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Give a Little, Take a Little

Alright, kiddies, I am off to my equivalent of Paradise Island. That’s assuming that the invisible jet can navigate through these snowstorms. Transparent wings don’t really take to chemical de-icer. I am not sayin', I am just sayin'.

Before departing, though, I thought that I would once again help you all decipher the hidden messages behind gifting this year. Okay, a couple are recycled – But they are as true now as ever!

And that truth can be as disillusioning as my discovery that egg nog is now manufactured with that nasty high fructose corn syrup. Oh, agribusiness, is there nothing you won't ruin?

Here is a list of gifts, what the giver meant by giving them, and what the receiver thinks upon getting each:

The Gift:

Going Rogue

What the Giver Meant:

What the Receiver Thinks:

The Gift:

Twilight

What the Giver Meant:

What the Receiver Thinks:

The Gift:

True Blood

What the Giver Meant:

What the Receiver Thinks:

The Gift:

What the Giver Meant:

What the Receiver Thinks:

The Gift:

What the Giver Meant:

What the Receiver Thinks:

The Gift:

What The Giver Meant:

real

What The Receiver Thinks:

The Gift:

What the Giver Meant:

What the Receiver Thinks:

The Gift:

What the Giver Meant:

What the Receiver Thinks:

The Gift:

What the Giver Meant:

What the Receiver Thinks:

The Gift:

What the Giver Meant:

What the Receiver Thinks:

The Gift:

What the Giver Meant:

What the Receiver Thinks:

The Gift:

What the Giver Meant:

What the Receiver Thinks:

The Gift:

What the Giver Meant:

What the Receiver Thinks:

The Gift:

What the Giver Meant:

What the Receiver Thinks:

The Gift:

Guitar Hero - Van Halen

What the Giver Meant:

What the Receiver Thinks:

The Gift:

What the Giver Meant:

What the Receiver Thinks:

The Gift:

Wonder Woman

What the Giver Meant:

What the Receiver Thinks:

The Gift:

What the Giver Meant:

What the Receiver Thinks:

The Gift:

What the Giver Meant:

What the Receiver Thinks:

The Gift:

What the Giver Meant:

What the Receiver Thinks:

The Gift:

What the Giver Meant:

What the Receiver Thinks:

Have a happy and safe nonsectarian, nondenominational winter holiday!

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Thanks a Lot

Let me tell you, kiddies, this semester is kicking GayProf’s ass. I have been deeply involved in “service.” For those outside the university, that is the amorphous category that is neither teaching nor research. Think of “service” as being the university equivalent of rotating your tires. Sure, everybody knows that it is necessary, but they rarely do it themselves.

While there is a general claim that service is “important,” the horrible truth is that it counts not at all for raises or promotion. This seems especially true for service to ethnic studies units, which “traditional” (read “white”) departments either don’t see or simply dismiss as “unnecessary.”

Let me tell you, for a junior professor, I have been giving a lot of service. Stupid GayProf and his stupid ideas about “caring” and all.

What this means for you, my faithful and loyal followers, is that the bloggy hasn’t been updated since Halloween. Maybe I should turn this into a holiday blog. Like Queen Elizabeth II, I will only address my loyal subjects when the shops are closed for the day.

Speaking of holidays, we are on the eve of U.S. Thanksgiving. It’s not a holiday that ever particularly spoke to me. Certainly, though, I could use the break. This year I felt fatigued over the usual rituals of cooking and gorging. Therefore I and a friend are driving to Multicultural Canadian City instead. Since Canada gave up their thanks over a month ago, and Americans rarely travel outside the states during this holiday, we got a pretty good deal for a hotel. Quite shockingly, I have never been to MCC, despite its relative proximity. Now I need to see where I stashed that wad of Canadian dollars that I used to have . . .

Skipping Thanksgiving suits my contrarian mood. Consider GayProf “going rogue.” To keep up with that theme, here are the things in the world that I am not at all inclined to be thankful for this year:

and

Star Trek’s

failures

Project Runway's

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Holiday Greetings!

It goes without saying that GayProf will be spending the next few days gorging himself on tamales. I suppose that will be punctuated with quality time with family, but, whatever...

Meanwhile, on Paradise Island, this is that special moment of the year when all the Amazons reaffirm their devotion to the Goddess Diana during their annual Festival of the Return of the Sun. Yes, they will be dressing like deer, having massive tickle fights, and baking each other into pies. Just good, traditional, Amazon fun. Have I ever mentioned that I suspect William Moulton Marston took a lot of drugs in the 1940s?

Kiddies, I finally gave up on sending out actual holiday cards sometime ago. So let me use this moment to wish you all a happy non-sectarian, non-denominational winter holiday! And to all my loyal Wookie readers, let me extend you a special greeting for your celebration of Life Day.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Nonsectarian, Nondenominational Holiday Greetings

After a grueling couple of days, I finally finished all of my grading for the semester. All educators seem to agree: Grading sucks.

Each prof I know has some peculiarities that really drive them up the wall when they read student papers. Certainly I have a couple. Normally, for instance, I am not a stickler about grammar. After a full semester of writing for my class, however, I am amazed that students haven’t figured out that they need to write using past tense for history. By "amazed," I really mean "beating my head against a cinder block wall until it is bloody." This is despite the fact that I have constantly written in the margins of all of their other papers. I mean, come on – History is the study of the past. Therefore, past tense should be intuitive, no? How hard can that be?

Yet, I still had papers that discussed Emiliano Zapata as an active and eternal agent. Sure, he might have died in 1919. According to some of my students, though, he continues to fight in the Mexican Revolution to this very day.

In the midst of all that grading, I also had to go and do some rapid shopping for my family. Normally I start shopping for the holidays months before the final day. This year, though, I didn’t even notice how quickly time was passing. There is nothing more disturbing than feeling the panic about trying to find something – anything – to give as a gift. In my case, I had zero (0) gifts for my family as of 5:00 pm on Thursday.

Now I am off to my place of birth for a very short holiday. While I am eager to spend time in New Mexico again, part of me would simply prefer to sleep for the next few days. I have so little energy, it might be nice just to hide out in quiet.

It's not that I am not eager to see my family. Still, I think we all agree that family time can be tricky. They know how to push your buttons. After all, they installed them. Plus, my sister has already informed me that she plans to try and fix me up with a friend of hers -- who is retired and over sixty.

While I don't want to be ageist (Hey, you never know where that potential love interest might appear!), I find it hard to imagine that we are really going to hit it off. I am just at the start of my career and half his age. It makes me wonder what she imagined that we had in common, Oh, right! We are both gay. Isn't that enough?

All I can say is that my parents better have plenty of tamales waiting for me when I arrive. In the meantime, I hope all of you have a great holiday!

Thursday, November 22, 2007

No Thanks

Today, the U.S. celebrates “Thanksgiving Day.” Much about this holiday always left me feeling ambivalent, even as a child. On the one hand, I obviously loved the food. Who couldn’t like a holiday where gluttony is celebrated?

Moreover, Thanksgiving was one of two times per year that we got to see my mother’s family during my childhood. My extended family on my father’s side was a constant fixture in our lives since they also lived in New Mexico. The other side of the family, however, lived a thousand miles away and we usually only saw them on Thanksgiving and during the summer.

Still, I also remember being in grade school and not particularly feeling an attraction to the mythology that surrounded this holiday. It was always presented (ahistorically) as the first vignette in a teleological narrative than ended triumphantly with the foundation of the U.S. The national “we” presented in this narrative didn’t feel like it encompassed me at all. This is not to say, of course, that I had a precocious suspicion of the U.S. as a child. On the contrary, I adopted and accepted the propaganda about the U.S.’s uniqueness eagerly as a child. All the same, something about Thanksgiving Day never really sat well with me.

In retrospect, it’s easy to consider the reasons for my apprehension which I would not have been able to articulate at age nine. My father’s family was of Mexican descent, which meant that their stories were never reflected in any of the reading that we did for U.S. history – ever (despite the fact that my elementary school was named Oñate and we resided in, you know, New Mexico).

My mother’s side, which was Irish-American, received a bit more coverage in our Social Studies textbooks. Yet, their nineteenth-century arrival hardly seemed connected to an obscure (and not all that successful) colony two centuries earlier. Moreover, given that both sides of my family were deeply Catholic (and, in all truth, fairly suspicious of Protestants), the Pilgrims’ link to “religious freedom” seemed kinda dubious.

Despite the inclusive national language that surrounded the holiday, I always felt like that stories of happy white Pilgrims and generous (but nameless) Indians was not really about me. Looking back as an adult, I also had the shock of realization that I was always assigned the role of “Indian” in the ritual classroom reenactments of the event by my Euro-American teachers. Seemingly, they didn’t see me as part of the Pilgrim story either.

All of this makes me feel a bit contrarian about such a holiday (Not that I won’t use the opportunity to gorge myself). Because of my ambivalence, it seems only appropriate to make it into an anti-holiday. Here is a list of things for which I am not at all thankful:

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Alone?

My least favorite holiday is upon us: Valentine’s Day. Since I was a young child, this day has just never gone my way. When I was in school, we had to exchange Valentine’s Day cards. It was a court-order or Congressional edict or something. In third grade, my fellow students made fun of my Valentine’s day cards because of my poor handwriting and spelling skills (Which, in truth, were really quite poor). It made me cry. Since that day, my experiences on February 14 have basically gone downhill.

High School was even worse. Student organizations sold carnations as a ~~scam~~ ~~oblique measure of popularity~~ fund raiser. Basically, you paid $1 to send a red carnation to somebody you ~~lusted after~~ liked romantically or a white carnation to “just a friend.” Oh, I got lots of white carnations from the many girls around me. Did I ever get the red carnation from Mario Pacheco that I longed for? No. Stupid Valentine’s Day and secret-unfulfilled-high-school crushes from before I even came out of the closet.

Apparently I am not alone in my bad feelings towards V-Day, either. According to many polls, a simple majority of people are in favor of eliminating Valentine’s Day altogether. What other holiday has that? Some people might not like the commercialism in Christmas, but you will never get 51 percent to say that they don’t want all those presents. When was the last time you heard somebody suggest not celebrating New Year’s? “No, man,” they would say, “I liked 2006 too much. Let’s just keep that clock from rolling over. Tonight we’re gonna party like this night is not fundamentally different from any other night.”

Yet, more people dislike or are indifferent to Valentine’s Day than want to celebrate it. Are we all such slaves to commercialism that we just won’t let it go?

Today (February 13), I saw an ad for an on-line dating service that said “Alone? It’s not too late to find that special someone for Valentine’s Day.” Hey – That sounds like a healthy relationship in the making. Nothing like two people being made to feel like losers so that they will desperately cling to each other. Why not follow up this advertising genius with other ads that will result in equally dysfunctional relationships. How about: “Low Self Esteem? He’s not too married for you to start your own relationship with him.” Or, “Emotionally Stunted? Somebody just like your mother is out there – Find them on-line now.”

The reason people don’t like Valentine’s Day is that it never turns out like it’s supposed to turn out. If you are in a relationship(s), the pressure is simply too high. Everything feels contrived and artificial. If you aren’t in a relationship, a pink and white army emerges to tell you that you suck at every turn.

Well, screw all that. Being single on Valentine's Day won't prompt me to open a bottle of wine and drink alone. Nope - No wine for GayProf, cuz wine can't compare with vodka.

In the meantime, I have created a list of activities that are distinctly anti-Valentine’s Day:

That Girl

Little Miss Sunshine

Queen.

**Sigh.**

Little Miss Sunshine

Thus Spoke Zarathustra

Carrie

Charlie’s Angels

Vagina Monologues

Hedwig and the Angry Inch

Center of Gravitas

Monday, December 22, 2014

GayProf's Holiday Gift Guide 2014

Friday, December 17, 2010

Give It Up

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Give a Little, Take a Little

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Thanks a Lot

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Holiday Greetings!

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Nonsectarian, Nondenominational Holiday Greetings

Thursday, November 22, 2007

No Thanks

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Alone?

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