I Go on Dates

One of my Amazon Sisters recently suggested that I need to outline the qualities that I want and don’t want in a perspective boyfriend. In making my list, I discovered that I operate much more in the negative than in the positive. Really, though, the positive things we want (honesty, loyalty, sexually functional) seem too obvious. It’s those annoying traits that can quash romance.

If you want to love a man like GayProf, it takes a man to do it. I don’t mean that, either, in that homophobic, sexist, anti-femme way, either (We all know GayProf’s opinion of that). On the contrary, it takes a man who is secure in his sense of self and sense of gender. A man who never denigrates other gay folk – ever.

We single gay folk are in this together. This post is for all the men out there searching for a relationship one date at a time. We have all been on bad dates – and I don’t just mean when the harness breaks, either. I am talking about going out with someone who just doesn’t cut it.

Aren’t sure when to break it with the guy you are seeing? GayProf is here to help you. Here is a list of deal-breakers that will end any hope of a relationship with me:

If he hasn’t read a book from start to finish since 1992.

If he votes for Republicans.

If on the first date he says, “I want something casual,” but then suggests we buy real estate together on the second date.

If he doesn’t have his own checking account.

If he tries to impress me by telling me he plays sports. Unless he plays for the NFL, MLB, or NBA, I don’t care. Any loser with free weekends can play sports on some local-yocal amateur team. If he does play for the NFL, MLB, or NBA, then he needs to get out of the closet.

If he calls me “Mommy.”

If he makes me call him “Mommy.”

If he tells me that he is going to dress like Wonder Woman just to please me. Taking an interest in my quirky interests is great. Making my quirky interests his quirky interests is creepy. Besides, there can be only one Amazon Princess.

If he asks me to deliver a package for him in the middle of the night that I can’t ask questions about and can’t open.

If he asks me if “he seems gay.”

If he tries to sell me AmWay products on the first date.

If he says he would love to know what I look like inside out.

If he tells me that he hates history.

If he asks, “Who are our current Senators?”

If he tells me, “You would be perfect – if you were five years younger and took better care of yourself.”

If he doesn’t know the difference between Diana Prince and Princess Diana.

If he asks, “Who was César Chávez?”

If he currently has more than four (4) dogs and/or cats in his one-bedroom apartment.

If he says, “You should know that it’s totally over with my boyfriend, I just haven’t told him yet.”

If he doesn’t have any of his own friends. This might indicate that he has some social problems.

If all of his friends are straight, evangelical Christians. This might indicate that he has some religious problems.

If he drives a truck bigger than my apartment (Remember: I am in Texas).

If the only, and I mean the only, music he listens to is from Wilhelm Richard Wagner.

If he fetishizes a racialized group, regardless of what racial group he claims for his own identity.

If he says that he will pick me up, then shows up on a bicycle. What am I supposed to do? Ride in the basket?

If he asks if we can stop to “touch base” with his parole officer before we have dinner.

If he asks if we can stop to “touch base” with his wife before we have dinner.

If he asks too many questions, like “What’s your name?”