Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Nature's Cruel Mistakes

In our society, being a man who desires sex with other men leaves one in a select minority. Not better, not worse: Just a minority.

Sometimes, though, one can’t help but think that more folk really should have been born gay men. They do their best to live a normal life, but always yearn for what they should have been: a man-loving-man. It’s sad, but true. These men and women become insanely jealous of our fabulousness and curse the gods for having left them lamentably heterosexual.

Here are a few folk who battled the demons of heterosexuality, but really should have been born gay men:

John F. Kennedy

    Kennedy had style and spent an unusual amount of his day thinking about his hair. He frolicked shirtless on the beach more times than Tab Hunter. Plus, he spent tons of time with gay icons Marilyn Monroe and Jacqueline Kennedy. If he hadn’t been heterosexual, he wouldn’t have wasted all that time having sex with them. Instead, he could have talked with them about style and fashion. It was a sad, sad loss for him.

    Rather than being a Cold-War-Warrior, he could have been much happier looking for a Daddy to pay for the Champagne. I can't claim that JFK wouldn't have caught a bullet if he was gay. Then again. . .

Jeannie from I Dream of Jeannie

    Jeannie had all the flare and style that every gay man has, but found herself trapped in a heterosexual genie’s body. Let’s face it, only certain gay men and Barbie loved pink more than this girl. She matched her interior decorations to her outfits, including a round couch and sparkly mirrors on the wall. Plus, one does not need an extra eye to see that Jeannie lived in a giant phallus. I mean, come on!

Darth Vader

    If Vader had not been cursed by his heterosexuality, he could have avoided his fall to the dark side. Yeah, it was all about his heterosexual love for Amidala that left him twisted and evil and resulted in three dreadful movies. Had he simply been born gay, he would have lived out his life in peace and spared audiences across the globe from some true cinematic crap.

    Vader’s love of leather outfits and long flowing capes would not seem nearly as unusual as a gay man. Indeed, he would certainly have placed in Chicago’s International Mr. Leather Competition. Such a shame that his heterosexuality disqualified him and left him damned.

    As a gay man, he would only have paused to discover Amidala’s super-astounding hairstyling secrets.

    Come to think of it, her gravity defying hairstyles qualify Amidala for this list as well. No queen could do better with hair than that Queen.

Dolly Parton

    Parton recognizes and embraces her inner gay man. She has often been quoted as saying, “If I was not born a woman, I would be a drag queen.” Don’t worry, Dolly, I think you still qualify as a drag queen!

    Plus, the Academy Awards robbed you of your Oscar. Didn’t they see your tiny little waist and giant bosom? Lugging those things around for the past twenty years warrants a reward all by itself. I digress, though.

    Parton had a love of big, blonde wigs and fantastic performances. Any five foot woman who can pull off six-inch platform boots and a size forty bust has to have wanted to be a gay man at some point.

Chris Evans

    Okay, his life may or may not be different if he was a gay man. My life, though, would be greatly improved.

Eric McCormick

    McCormick made a name for himself playing a gay man. He works more diligently for gay rights than his co-star, Closet McCloestedly (a.k.a. Sean Hayes). Much of his desire for social justice probably comes from his Canadian background (they do things differently in the frozen North).

    Still, one can’t help but think that, deep down, McCormick would have been happier as a gay man. Probably he would have had the self-respect not to perform in such an annoying show (unlike Closet McClosetedly). Alas, he liked the women. Poor guy.

Snoop Doggy Dogg

    So much tragedy could have been avoided had Cordozar Calvin Broadus, Jr. been born a gay, gay man. It’s likely, for instance, he would not have changed his name to a Peanuts cartoon character.

    Dogg loves to shop for clothes. He also understands that sparkling diamonds are a guy's best friend. The Dogg clearly considers style more important than dependability when purchasing a car.

    Only the curse of wanting to sleep with women holds Snoop back from actually being able to accomplish all his goals in life. It’s like he has most of the right pieces to the puzzle, but can’t quite assemble the picture. It’s a shame, really.

Captain America

    Captain America probably reigns supreme as the squarest hero in the comic world. All that über-patriotism just seems too extreme, even in the era of Fox News. Had he been a gay man, though, that über-patriotism would have been reinterpreted as über-fabulousness.

    Captain’s back story suggests a certain queerness. Longing to hang around sweaty Army men (in a totally straight sort of way), Captain lacked the physical strength for military service. He opted for secret and mysterious injections (well, okay, they were just steroids and not that secret). With a new body by Mattel, Captain America hooked up with a gay sidekick named Bucky. Yet even his constant association with Bucky could not “cure” Captain’s stubborn straightness. Alas, now he is just a cruel joke. I mean, just look how uncomfortable Captain America looks in the above picture of Bucky's S&M dungeon party.


    Back in the old days, Moses loved to hang around flaming bushes. Leading his people around the desert for decades, Moses kept talking about the need to get on one’s knees and worship a single man in the sky. Heck, I am only slightly convinced by his heterosexuality at the moment.

    Alas for Moses, despite his love of long flowing gowns, he had to resign himself to never quite being gay. It’s sad, but true.


jeremy said...

Did you ever read this Sarah Vowell op-ed about Snoop Dogg making out w/ Gary Wills?

GayProf said...

Jeremy: Thanks for the link. Nope, I had not seen that. See? If Snoop weren't so gosh-darn-straight, he would have a viable option in Wills.

R Greene said...

Gayprof, thanks for an utterly amusing post AND for those pics of Chris Evans and Paul Walker. You really know how to give gay men what we want--eye candy and brain floss.


Roger Owen Green said...

Sorry about Dolly's loss at the Oscars. I thought she was a lock.

Christian said...

This is one of the best posts I've read anywhere in a long time! Made my day, thanks!

chiron said...

Wonder Woman was a plus-sized girl in the older editions. AW right. OK. Now about cruel mistakes...I'll see your Paul Walker and raise you a Steve Zahn.

chiron said...

ONE MORE >>> Paul Adelstein >>> Nominated for his work as Clooney's boy toy in Intolerable Cruelty. It's cruel to be so cute. http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0011882/

Larry said...

That Paul Walker pic looks familiar :)

For the record, had Anakin been gay, then he would certainly have become Palpatine's plaything. I can almost hear Anakin's feined interest from behind the bedroom doors now...

"Master, use the force..."

MEK the Bear said...

Oh my god! The guy I'm dating looks JUST like Paul Adelstein, OK, sorry, just had to brag!

GayProf, what can I say? Brilliant as always, but you forget Jesus, the guy who loved John above all others and who certainly had a way with hanging out with the far more colorful crowd than his compatriots, then again there's no real evidence to show he wasn't gay, so maybe he doesn't count?

GayProf said...

Rgreene and Christian: Hail Amazon Sisters! Thanks for stopping by my little bloggy.

ROG: I guess if Dolly couldn't win, I can accept a song with "Pimp" in the title.

Chrion: Wonder Woman was a plus-sized girl in the older editions. You sit around waiting for Steve Trevor to grow up and be a man and see what happens to your figure.

Larry: "Master, use the Force" Eeeeeeeeew.

MEK: Yep, we've been there with Jesus.

missbhavens said...

Oh, me likey this funny and oh-so-true post! Also cruel is that yours is the last page I will see before I head off to work...a place where no one looks anything like Chris Evans or Paul Walker. Mostly they look like Isabel Sanford or Lina Hunt.

Roger Owen Green said...

Off topic, but I was looking for a graphic for my Blog against Sexism post today and came across this very disturbing image http://www.stopviolence.com/images/wwoman-passedout.jpg
If you read the page http://www.stopviolence.com/domviol/menagainst.htm, it makes sense, but yeesh...

Frank said...

Great as always, gayprof, but I have a tiny correction: it's "Eric McCormAck," not "Eric McCormIck." Since the latter is my last name, I'm particularly sensitive to the various differences in spelling of this relatively common Irish name.

GayProf said...

Thanks for the correction, Frank! I will be sure to spell it right in the future.

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