This weekend, I welcomed Chad from Drowned in Ink to the Greater Boston Area. He is a nice guy who can give me a run for random pop-culture references in everyday conversations. Because I love my adopted city, putting the best face on Boston is always a priority for me with visitors.
Speaking of priorities, why is Boston having such a hard time with the upgrades to the T? The transition from tokens to paper cards (which strikes me as an environmental disaster given the number of discarded paper tickets that I have seen flying around the city already) has to be one of slowest and most poorly executed public projects I have seen in years.
Speaking of malfunctioning trains, Amtrak seems just as slow and unpredictable as ever. Don’t Americans feel shame when they meet European or Japanese tourists? They probably get off their planes and expect to find the most powerful nation in the world with super 190 m.p.h. bullet trains and elaborate public transportation systems. You know, like the stuff they have in their own countries. Instead they find a crumbling Amtrak huffing and puffing at 80 m.p.h trying to get out of the way of a CP freight train on its ass. What do we say to these tourists? “Gee, We could have had a functioning train system, but we decided to put all of our money into highways instead. Of course, now the highways have become hopelessly overcrowded. We Americans, though, like to spend two hours to travel ten miles on I-5.”
Speaking of crumbling infrastructure, after having just told Chad about how reliable the T’s Red Line usually is, we were forced to exit and take a bus to downtown that added an extra half-hour to our journey. The T authority claimed that they were repairing track and building a station, but, whatever.
Speaking of downtown, I still get consistently lost on Boston streets. At some point, I should really work on getting a map when visitors are in town.
Speaking of showing visitors around, many of my suggestions for Chad seemed oddly geared to death. There’s nothing like visiting cemeteries to think, “Hey, my host borders on the peculiarly macabre.”
Speaking of cemeteries, I find it impossible not to try to scare, or at least startle, people while walking amongst the graves. Yes, I am ten.
Speaking of the dead, Mt. Auburn cemetery really is pretty, especially for a town of the decomposing. Alas, we couldn’t locate Mary Baker Eddy’s grave. Little did I know, either, that Isabella Stewart Gardner resided in this cemetery.
Speaking of Isabella Stewart Gardner, that woman had too much money. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy that she left behind her nifty little museum for the people of Boston. Still, how much cash did that woman have?
Speaking of museums, Chad’s visit finally got me to the Fogg Museum at Harvard. While at the Fogg we saw a painting of John the Baptist. How did we know it was John the Baptist? Oh, that would be the severed head with the blood pouring onto the floor. Christianity has such cheery iconography.
Speaking of art, I am a total adolescent when it comes to viewing paintings or statuary. Many of the paintings were total masterpieces. If they involved a naked man, however, I instantly focused in on the dangling bits.
Speaking of dangling bits, why are men buying the Wonderjock©? Well, okay, I understand the desire for things to look bigger. The Wonderjock’s claim of having a “ball/extension support technology” looks overly optimistic. The Wonderjock also promises to "lift and separate," which suggests that they don't know men's bodies at all. Is it me, or does that sound really, really uncomfortable?
Speaking of being uncomfortable, as the temperatures steadily drop in Boston I am starting to think my time in Texas really has left me unprepared for chilly winters after all. Don’t get me wrong, I am much happier to be spending winter in Boston than the dreaded Texas. Still, it’s darn cold out there. At least liquor keeps me warm.
Speaking of drinking, if I keep up drinking at this rate, am I going to end up looking like Colonel Tigh?
Speaking of Battlestar Galactica, how happy am I that Jamie Bamber finally ditched the fat prosthetics and showed off his amazing body again?
Speaking of my obsessions, Chad merely suggesting that he was considering getting a Ph.D. lead me to strongly advocate for such a pursuit. I think completing a dissertation results in the same mindset as joining a cult. We all seem to go out and evangelize others to do the same as we did, despite our own suffering in the process.
Speaking of creepy cult behavior, I wonder if Chad realized that visiting me would result in learning an ungodly amount about Wonder Woman.
Speaking of visiting me, when are the rest of you folk coming to Boston?