My time as a loaned scholar is coming to an end as well. This means that I need to make my plans for this summer. Here are the things that I need to accomplish by the time the Fall Semester starts:
*Travel to Midwestern Funky Town and obtain a place to live.
*Stop the song “Funky Town” from playing over and over in my head.
*Return to Texas one last time to pack up my office there and retrieve my car.
*Instead of flipping off the senior faculty in Texas who were mean to me, take the gracious route of merely acknowledging that I am off to a far better place than they will ever know.
*Write a lengthy letter to the MBTA outlining why their service was often inadequate. Explain, in particular, how buses are not a legitimate substitute for a subway line (nor should it all be legal to call any bus a “line” as if it were one). Come to the frustrating realization that Boston public transport is designed for people who have a car, but prefer not to use it, rather than people who don’t have a car at all.
*Express shock at the new stories that I have heard about my former Texas institution which include a) junior women faculty being harassed b) a white senior faculty member calling on an African-American student in his class and asking him to “speak ebonics” for the rest of the (mostly white) class and c) a deans office that is in chaos.
*While in Texas, reconnect with a Sassy friend and resume drinking wine while sitting on her couch.
*Find new ways to thank Guadalupe that I will not be returning to Texas.
*Come to grips with the fact that I am actually going to have to teach again. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy the teaching part of being a professor. Still, after over 18 months out of the classroom, it’s hard to remember that teaching is a key part of my job description. . . allegedly.
*Experiment with more efficient ways to fold fitted sheets.
*Complete the never-ending research project of doom.
*Solve world hunger (Heck, I have a better chance of this one than finishing the never-ending research project of doom).
*Consider which of Dante’s circles of hell will host George W. Bush after his death. My current theory is that he will replace Cassius in the mouth of Satan where he will perpetually be chewed for all eternity.
*Convince Anderson Cooper to come out of the closet -- 'cuz I don't date people who are in the closet. By "date," I really mean "stalk."
*Explain to my non-comic blogreaders the critical difference between Wonder Woman and Supergirl (not to mention the difference between Wonder Woman and the non-entity Superwoman). Come on people – Get on the trolley.
*Be grateful that I don’t have to teach summer school this year.
*Replace my incandescent bulbs with energy-efficient fluorescent bulbs in an effort to battle global warming.
*Become horrified by how haggard and old I look under the harsh glow of fluorescent light. Decide to screw the environment and switch back to the soft, youthful glow of incandescent bulbs.
*Avoid seeing the new Spiderman movie as if it would give me glaucoma.
*Add an additional ten pounds to my bench press – and/or stop buying the ten-pound bag of M&M’s.
*Seduce a radical Christian thereby making sin his new master.
*Rekindle my appreciation for Dib.
*Briefly consider why nude beaches always attract the people who really shouldn’t be naked in public – or in private.
*Enjoy refreshing TaB cola.
*See a doctor about that sharp pain in my kidney – which I am sure is totally unrelated to the TaB drinking.
*Travel to New York City.
*Figure out ways to convince people that being a professor is a glamours career choice.
*Decide if this will be the first summer in over a decade that I get more than a farmer’s tan.
*Find a moving company to pack and haul all my crap to Midwestern Funky Town.
*Come to terms with the fact that I will choose the wrong moving company and probably never see my crap again.
*Lose a weekend in Provincetown.
*Commemorate my 33rd Birthday with a specially designed Franklin Mint collector plate. Remember: Not all commemorative plates in the Center of Gravitas collection go up in value. Some may go down.
*Mourn my departure from Boston.
*Celebrate my arrival in Midwestern Funky Town – a town to keep me movin’, keep me groovin’ with some energy. . .
This is quite a list. I better get started tomorrow. Well, maybe not tomorrow. Tomorrow I want to learn how to make hash-browns. After that, though, I am so on this list.