Tuesday, May 29, 2007

GayProf in Thirty Questions

Over the weekend, I made a dip down to New York City. Thanks to the generosity of a non-blogger friend, I was able to stay at her apartment. It also gave me a chance to meet some of the many cool blogger folk in New York.

This, in turn, gave them the opportunity to find out that the whole “gravitas” thing is not really a joke. Disappointingly, they also found out that I can’t change my clothes by spinning in a circle while an orange explosion emanates from my navel – yet.

Since returning to Boston, I have been swamped with work. Plus, one of the most insidious of my former Texan colleagues sent me a note asking a favor.

This is the same insidious-colleague who loudly complained that white straight men were being terribly mistreated in that department. Of course, white straight men composed 90 percent of the full professors and the majority of the executive committee. White straight men also served as the associate department-head, the director of graduate studies, the undergraduate director, the department head, the dean, the provost, and the president of the university (and most administrative positions in-between). Latinos, gays, Asians, and African Americans held no (zero) administrative positions in that department last year. Yeah, I can see how he had it so tough as a white straight man.

Regardless, if he had not sought to undermine women and minority junior faculty, I really wouldn’t care. As part of his white-straight-male plight, though, he often suggested that women and minorities in the department were less qualified than their white, straight, male counterparts.

Given his history, I am not really motivated to help me out. I know -- Being petty is the easy route (fun, too).

All that aside, I didn’t notice that my little bloggy’s odometer hit 150,000 hits. That seems like a milestone in my book.

It also reminded me that this blog has drifted away from what is most important: Me. I thought that I would give my faithful readers the opportunity to prove their devotion to GayProf. That is very sweet of me, no?

Sharpen those number 2 pencils, I have a little exam for you all. Leave your answers in the comments (or leave comments in the comments). The first person who scores a 100% or the person with highest score by the time that I post the answers (whichever comes first) wins a super-secret prize! Note: the super-secret prize has minimal monetary value, is fairly useless, and will not cure any physical or mental aliments that you might have.

So, if you have committed all of my previous entries to memory, now is the chance to put that knowledge to use.

Or if you just think that you know me well enough to make educated guesses, now is your chance.

Or if you just want to randomly jot down letters and numbers – that’s cool, too! Take the exam – Make a comment – win a super-secret prize (of minimal monetary value (Images and Videos Do Not Necessarily Imply Correct Answers -- No purchase necessary, Void Where Prohibited)).


1. Among other reasons, GayProf doesn’t like the department-store Macy’s because:

    A. He worked there during college.

    B. They insisted on changing the name of Chicago’s Marshall Field’s, thereby destroying a piece of local history just to save a buck.

    C. They once double charged him for the same item and he has never forgiven them. GayProf can really hold a grudge.

    D. He finds their new slogan “There’s a Macy’s Near Your” too scary and threatening. It seems as if Macy’s is stalking him.

    E. GayProf is a nudist and therefore never buys clothing.

2. GayProf once referred to the term “MAD-C.” What did this stand for?

    A. Middle-Aged Disgruntled Colleague

    B. Mothers Angry at the Dean’s College

    C. Mormons Attending Disco Clubs

    D. Money At Disposal -- Ca’Ching

    E. Morons Always Ditching Classes

3. The first real image of GayProf ever posted on this blog showed him:

    A. Teaching class

    B. GayProf has never appeared in a photo on this blog

    C. Typing on his blog

    D. Wearing a fur hood

    E. Wearing Nothing at all

4. Whose image is always on GayProf’s refrigerator?

    A. His own

    B. His cat’s

    C. James Dean’s

    D. The Virgin of Guadalupe’s

    E. Blake Harper's

5. Where was GayProf born?

    A. Albuquerque, New Mexico

    B. Lubbock, Texas

    C. Idaho Falls, Idaho

    D. Las Cruces, New Mexico

    E. GayProf was not technically born. He was crafted out of clay and brought to life by the gods.

6. What mishap did NOT occur to GayProf during the move from Texas to Boston?

    A. His cat shit in his lap.

    B. He got his first speeding ticket ever.

    C. The moving van had a flat tire, thus delaying him a full day.

    D. He was forced to load and unload the moving truck by himself.

    E. He crossed all of these states: TX, LA, MS, AL, GA, TN, VA, MD, PA, NJ, NY, CT, and MA.

7. Which Science Fiction movie was GayProf’s favorite at age 5?

    A. Star Wars (1977)

    B. Star Trek: The Motion Picture

    C. The Black Hole

    D. E.T.

    E. Gremlins

8. As a child, who bought GayProf the Mego Wonder Woman doll for Christmas?

    A. His mother – against his father’s wishes.

    B. A sympathetic aunt – against his father’s wishes.

    C. His father – against his father’s wishes.

    D. GayProf never actually owned the Mego Wonder Woman doll as a child. He just coveted it.

    E. GayProf saved his own damn money and bought it himself -- against his father's wishes.

9. As a general trend, which of the following topics usually generates the LEAST number of comments on CoG?

    A. Entries on race or ethnicity.

    B. Entries on porn.

    C. Entries on being a professor/academic life.

    D. Entries where GayProf confuses himself with Wonder Woman.

    E. Entries on dead presidents.

10. Which one of these blogs is run by the person who first linked to CoG?

11. What is GayProf’s favorite Christmas dish?

    A. pan de polvo

    B. cranberries

    C. tamales

    D. turkey

    E. bisochitos

12. Where did GayProf go to graduate school and earn his Ph.D.?

    A. the West Coast

    B. the Midwest

    C. the Northeast

    D. New Mexico

    E. Texas

13. The Pope is to Hitler Youth as GayProf is to:

    A. Student Government

    B. Homecoming Court

    C. Justice League

    D. College of Cardinals

    E. Baseball

14. Which of the following has NOT been a parenthetical reference to Liar Ex?

    A. (Who Told Many Lies)

    B. (Who is a Total Fuckbag)

    C. (Who Should Just Die)

    D. (Who Left No Promise Unbroken)

15. What is GayProf’s soda of choice?

    A. TaB

    B. Diet Coke – with Lime

    C. Mexican Coke (made with sugarcane rather than high fructose corn syrup)

    D. Fanta

    E. Blood of Virgins (with Splenda©)

16. Which of the following was NOT true about the house that I co-owned in Texas?

    A. One Realtor quit because she saw no means of selling it.

    B. It was built in 1939.

    C. It was Liar Ex’s idea to buy it.

    D. I had to spend hours stripping the walls because it was covered in so much flowery wallpaper. The interior looked like Holly Hobby had thrown up and then exploded inside.

    E. It was ginormous.

17. As a child, GayProf’s favorite Halloween costume was:

    A. Zorro

    B. Wonder Woman

    C. Sailor

    D. Charlie Chaplin

    E. A History Professor

18. GayProf’s most recent (and most frequent adult-era) Halloween costume was:

    A. Zorro

    B. Wonder Woman

    C. Sailor

    D. Freddie Mercury

    E. A Heterosexual

19. According to this blog, which of the following happened at one or more universities in Texas over the past four years?

    A. Students made a blackface video and posted it on YouTube

    B. Students defaced a statue of Martin Luther King, Jr. on Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.

    C. Students hosted “ghetto parties” where primarily white students were invited to dress as racist stereotypes.

    D. The mother of a student phoned the dean's office and asked that GayProf be fired immediately for assigning a text about gays and lesbians' experiences during World War II.

    E. All of the above.

20. Did GayProf go to his high-school senior prom?

    A. Yes

    B. No

21. Last year, GayProf had a photo meme about his Texas apartment. Which item did GayProf own?

    A. A 1960s warming tray, for serving a hot brunch.

    B. A hot-water bottle, for an ailing stomach.

    C. An ice-crusher, for festive cocktails.

    D. a KitchenAid mixer, for his massive baking hobby.

    E. A replica of the I Dream of Jeannie bottle.

22. Before becoming a history professor, GayProf worked as a:

    A. substitute teacher

    B. prostitute

    C. priest

    D. secretary

    E. senator

23. How did GayProf get the tiny scar on his forehead?

    A. It was a tragic childhood hair-styling-related accident.

    B. He was in a car accident at age nine.

    C. One of his sisters took revenge on him for playing with their Charlie’s Angels dolls.

    D. He cut his forehead on a jagged piece of metal on a playground slide.

    E. Skiing

24. Exactly 7 persons - P, Q, R, S, T, U & V - periodically offer GayProf gifts to show their gratitude and admiration. All 7 always deliver their gifts at the same time. During each round of gift giving, none of the gifts are ever of equal value. The following statements about the gifts are always true:

V always gives a more expensive gift than P
P always gives a more expensive gift than Q
Either R gives the most expensive gift and T gives the least expensive gift, or S gives the most expensive gift and U or Q give the least expensive.

If S gives the sixth most expensive gift and Q gives the fifth most expensive gift, which of the following can be true?

    A. V gives the most expensive or forth most expensive gift

    B. R gives the second or third most expensive gift

    C. P gives the second or fifth most expensive gift

    D. U gives the third or fourth most expensive gift

    E. T gives the fourth or fifth most expensive gift

25. For Hispanic Heritage Month 2006, GayProf:

    A. Wrote an entry critiquing Chico and the Man.

    B. Wrote an entry critiquing Univision.

    C. Ignored the month entirely on the blog.

    D. Contacted Che Guevara using a Ouija board.

    E. Grew a mustache like Emiliano Zapata's.

26. What is GayProf’s least favorite month?

    A. March

    B. May

    C. October

    D. January

    E. February

27. What was GayProf’s first car?

    A. 1975 Dodge Dart

    B. 1966 Dodge Charger

    C. 1978 Ford Pinto

    D. 1970 Dodge Challenger

    E. 1961 Chrysler New Yorker

28. Is GayProf circumcised?

    A. Yes

    B. No

29. Besides Wonder Woman, what 1970s televison show is most frequently mentioned on CoG?

    A. The Bionic Woman

    B. Charlie’s Angels

    C. That Girl

    D. Isis

    E. Barnaby Jones

30. Which of the following is true about GayProf?

    A. Is universally adored.

    B. Is the most desirable man on the blogosphere.

    C. Should be honored with a bronze statue.

    D. Knows too much about Wonder Woman.

    E. All of the above


dykewife said...

gayprof's big hair picture promise was made to:
a. dykewife
b. dykewife
c. dykewife
d. dykewife

Marlan said...

Not that I don't like you, bud, but I recently got re-employed full time, and can't spend any more days memorizing blog trivia while avoiding grading papers. Here goes:

1. B
2. A
3. B
4. C
5. D
6. B
7. D
8. A
9. E
10. D
11. C
12. D
13. B
14. C
15. A
16. C
17. C
18. A
19. E
20. A
21. A
22. B
21. C
22. A
23. A
24. What difference does it make unless you're talking about expensive gift bottles of vodka?
25. A
26. C
27. A
28. I hope not, but not a deal breaker.
29. B
30. A

Cooper said...

1) B
2) A
3) C
4) D
5) D
6) B
7) A
8) C
9) E
10) B
11) E
12) C
13) C
14) B
15) A
16) C
17) A
18) C
19) E
20) A
21) A
22) D
23) D ( You don't mean a scar on your lower head, right? I notice about that other scar!)
24) Who cares! This made my head ache just reading it.
25) A
26) D
27) B
28) A
29) C
30) E

Ashley Lane said...

Christ, you really do not want to know how many of these I can answer. I put it down to lots of procrastination over job applications in the past few months - I was surfing the internet a lot - and a phenomenally good memory. James Dean's photo is on your fridge, your soda of choice is TaB and you did indeed go to your senior prom. The scar is a hair-styling accident.

In retrospect, maybe if I spent more time on those job applications I would have been more successful.

tornwordo said...

You lost me at the logic problem, lol. I know a few of these, but with a memory like swiss cheese, I'd have to search your blog for the right answer. I don't think you ever referred to liar ex as a fuckbag, but I could be wrong. You're usually a tad more erudite, lol.

BJ said...

Hey – since you’re a YouTuber, you might want to check this out… There’s a video company that’s recruiting YouTubers and if they like your stuff, (and they should) they will actually pay you when your video gets a hit. Here’s their link www.flownetworkproductions.com/videorevenue.htm. It’s about time the people who make the videos get some of the money instead of it all going to YouTube!

vuboq said...


1. B
2. A
3. D
4. C
5. A
6. C
7. A
8. A
9. D
10. A
11. C
12. D
13. C
14. C
15. A
16. C
17. A
18. C
19. E
20. B
21. A
22. A
23. A
24. A
25. A
26. E
27. A
28. A
29. B
30. E

Worse than the GRE, yo.

Rebekah said...

Okay, now I know why I like you so much... you write the questions, you don't answer them.


Funny,funny stuff.

I know who offers to feed you M&M's; does that count?

Steven said...

This one post definitely gave a synopsis of the almighty GayProf. But I thought for certain the order of answeres (letters) would have been B A D all the way through. ;-)

GayProf said...

DykeWife: Damn! I thought that you had forgotten...

Marlan: You are choosing students over me?!!!? Pshaw.

Cooper: We don't talk about that other scar -- It's still too painful to remember. **wink**

Ashley Kane: Well, I can't offer you a job. Still, you could win a super-secret prize (that would take six months to travel to the UK).

TornWordo: Uh, maybe erudite is not always the word for me... sigh

VUBOQ: Not a perfect score, but you are in the lead so far...

Rebekah: Uh...Yeah...It was a joke...Uh...Yeah, just joking. I am not really this vain. No, no.

Steven: Actually, I momentarily flirted with the idea of making all the right answers "C."

adjunct whore said...

thanks to your ego, i haven't written a f*** word in 45 minutes. but i did laugh my arse off, thanks.
1.B; 2.A; 3.B; 4.D; 5. i desperately want E, but think it's more likely A; 6.D; 7.B; 8.E; 9.E; 10.A; 11.B; 12.B; 13. unfair/B; 14.C; 15.A; 16.C; 17.C; 18.B/A; 19.E; 20.A; 21.B; 22.A; 23.A; 24. i broke out in hives; 25.B; 26.D; 27.C; 28.B; 29.B; 30.E

Michael said...

It's Gay Profapalooza! LOVE the Isis Clip - I watched that show *ahem* religiously! (Didn't hurt that it was tied to the Shazam show with that cutie either)

Signalite said...

Aya! So much GayProf to ponder...What a whirl, what a whirl...

Clio Bluestocking said...

1. A -- you were Snowball, who played the dangerous game with the Santas and David Sedaris.
2. C -- because Disco!
3. Combination of D and E.
4. A
5. E -- of course!
6. Holy crap! E - because that's the redneck tour of the U.S. and you would never knowingly do that, would you?
7. A -- "Star Wars, nothing but Star Wars!
8. I hope it was E, or at least B (I'm planning on being that aunt to my own nephews.)
9. E -- I work all day with one. That pretty much kills all conversation.
10. B -- The name is just cool.
11. F -- all of the above.
12. Not E.
13. C
14. C -- because you would have taken care of that already.
15. E (o.k., I actually know that this one is A, but I still have scarring childhood memories of the nastiness of that stuff.)
16. E -- because if all of the others are true, then this was a cute cottage with no closet space.
17. B -- please please say it is B, because I was Batman in 1st grade and we could have been the trans-Justice League!
18. B
19. E -- it is Texas, after all.
20. B
21. You have E! I'm so jealous! I so wanted to live in that bottle as a kid (minus all the sexist shit -- I would have totally blinked the major back into space).
22. All of them are depressing.
23. C -- I would have done the same, you know, if I had any of them (I so wanted a Kelly).
24. Too much like math.
25. D
26. If you are in Boston, E.
27. C
28. TMI
29. D
30. E -- of course!

Actually,I only just started reading your blog in the past few months, so I gave the answer that I wanted to be true. That's how I took the GRE lo, those many years ago. That's also how I ended up going to a Tier 500, R2000, graduate school in Texas (where I knew many a professor like the one you described, may they all rot in the hell of their own making).

Dorian said...

I hate multiple choice quizzes? Can't I write an essay on how fabulous GayProf is instead? I'm always much better at tricking the teacher into thinking I know the material with an essay.

jp said...

I just wrote my name in pencil dots on the answer sheet.

And now I'm pretending that those dots can light up in random sequence while I stand in front of them singing to a live studio audience.

Frank said...

I'm not even going to attempt that test. I'm ashamed to admit I don't know a lot of the answers! What kind of Gravitas-fan am I?!?

Also, I've seen a few pictures of you from NYC on other blogs. It's so strange to see you without a goatee! I kinda like it, though. And you really AREN'T kidding about the gravitas, are you? Smile, darling, smile!

GayProf said...

Adjunct Whore: You and Cooper came the closest to toppling VUBOQ.

Michael: When in graduate school, I once got into a very lengthy argument with a colleague who confused Isis and Wonder Woman. To me, that was a shocking error. Clearly she did not belong in higher education.

Signalite: Don't dream it -- Be it.

Clio: The Charlie's Angels dolls were really cool -- I have to say. My sisters had many of the outfits as well.

Dorian: As a real professor, I almost always avoid giving multiple choice exams. Rather than thinking that students are tricking me, I prefer to think that essays give them an opportunity show what they do know (rather than searching the deep canyons of their missing information). In either case, I still expect them to be able to articulate why they love and adore me.

JP: Clearly I should have mentioned that taking drugs before the exam was not a good idea...

Frank: I can't explain the lack of smiles (gravitas usually does it in a pinch). Don't get too used to clean-shaved GayProf. The matrix of my new goatee has already formed...

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