December is passing by rather quickly. While we all know that I celebrate the winter Lunar celebration for the goddess Diana (wink), others are preparing for the big C. Or the big H (sometimes also C). Or the big K. The pressures of finding the perfect gifts for your loved ones, traveling to see your loved ones, and then spending an ungodly amount of time with your loved ones is likely driving you all batty. It’s like GayProf always says, “Family: Can’t live with them, can’t shove them in a trunk and drive them over a cliff.”As I prepare the invisible jet for my return to Paradise Island, I wanted to offer my annual help to the loyal legions who keep vigil in cyberspace. Allow me to be your guide as you navigate these gift giving rituals. There is still plenty of time to figure out just what type of message you want to send with your presents this year:
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The Gift: A bottle of bourbon.
What the Giver Meant: You’re a drunken bastard.
What the Receiver Thinks: Give me, give me, give me.
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The Gift: A hands-free infrared soap dispenser.
What the Giver Meant: You’re a dirty bastard
What the Receiver Thinks: Anal retentive much?
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The Gift: A nativity set with characters from Star Trek, including Mr. Spock as Jesus.
What the Giver Meant: You’re a nerdy bastard.
What the Receiver Thinks: Maybe Shatner was right. Maybe I do need to get a life.
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The Gift: An assortment of flavored hot chocolates.
What the Giver Meant: I want you to be warm and toasty in these cold winter nights.
What the Receiver Thinks: I’d rather have a bottle of bourbon.
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The Gift: A year-long membership on Manhunt.com
What the Giver Meant: You're a horny bastard.
What the Receiver Thinks: I guess that I can use this if Grindr is ever down.
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The Gift: A year-long membership to Match.com.
What the Giver Meant: You're a lonely bastard.
What the Receiver Thinks: I’d rather have a bottle of bourbon.
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The Gift: A year-long membership to eHarmony.com.
What the Giver Meant: You're a creepy, Christian bastard.
What the Receiver Thinks: I don't need anybody in my life because my ability to smugly judge others keeps me warm through the night.
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The Gift: A give away tax plan for the wealthy.
What the Giver Meant: I ignore the people who elected me in a futile effort to curry favor with the people who will forever hate me.
What the Receiver Thinks: I see we are still waiting on that spine donor.
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The Gift: Mid-century modern ceramics
What the Giver Meant: I am a man of exceptional style and taste.
What the Receiver Thinks: Somebody has been watching Mad Men a bit too much.
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The Gift: The DVD collection of Glee.
What the Giver Meant: You’re a gay bastard.
What the Receiver Thinks: I still have fantasies that high school could have been fun.
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The Gift: The DVD collection of Modern Family.
What the Giver Meant: You like shows with non threatening Latina and/or gay characters who subtly conform to societal stereotypes.
What the Receiver Thinks: I enjoy the stifling suburban status quo.
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The Gift: The DVD collection of Dallas.
What the Giver Meant: You’re an out-of-touch bastard.
What the Receiver Thinks: Why did the eighties have to end?
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The Gift: A product made in the state of Arizona.
What the Giver Meant: I have no social conscience.
What the Receiver Thinks: I need better friends.
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The Gift: A Dodge Challenger!
What the Giver Meant: It’s not like Chrysler is going to be around much longer.
What the Receiver Thinks: I have the best friends.
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The Gift: A reclining chair with built-in massaging technology.
What the Giver Meant: You’re a lazy bastard.
What the Receiver Thinks: I wish it had come with a bedpan.
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The Gift: Tea Party Paraphernalia.
What the Giver Meant: You're a crazy bastard.
What the Receiver Thinks: ? (When dealing with the crazed, your guess is as good as mine.)
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The Gift: A copy of NERPoD.
What the Giver Meant: Somebody, somewhere, should read this thing.
What the Receiver Thinks: Was the bookstore out of Secret Historian?
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The Gift: A humidifier and a tub of Vick’s vapor rub.
What the Giver Meant: You’re a sickly bastard.
What the Receiver Thinks: (Unable to receive gift because you are in bed).
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The Gift: Your own blog.
What the Giver Meant: You’re a whining bastard. Now you can vent your spleen without me having to listen to it.
What the Receiver Thinks: This would have been interesting... Five years ago (Unless you are an academic, in which case you feel really hip having a blog).
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The Gift: A wildly inappropriate airport screening procedure.
What the Giver Meant: Hey, if we make this a big enough dog and pony show nobody will notice that we blew an obscene amount of money on machines that will do nothing to make us safer.
What the Receiver Thinks: Basic human dignity was overrated.
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The Gift: A gift card.
What the Giver Meant: You’re an impossible-to-shop-for bastard.
What the Receiver Thinks: You shouldn’t have gone to the trouble! Cash would have been just fine.
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The Gift: A Wii entertainment center.
What the Giver Meant: You’re an adolescent bastard.
What the Receiver Thinks: We are so having a slumber party this weekend.
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The Gift: An ipad.
What the Giver Meant: I am a slave to the Apple corporation and have confused capitalist brand identification with actual individuality.
What the Receiver Thinks: Here is an overpriced toy that will end up sitting in a drawer in six months.
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The Gift: A window’s based PC tablet.
What the Giver Meant: I was too cheap to buy the ipad.
What the Receiver Thinks: Why is it on fire?
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The Gift: An all expense paid trip to Madrid!
What the Giver Meant: The holidays are meant to be enjoyed.
What the Receiver Thinks: This is the best present, ever!
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The Gift: A trip to see your family that you have to pay for yourself!
What the Giver Meant: The holidays are meant to be endured.
What the Receiver Thinks: Life is suffering.
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The Gift: Diamonds!
What the Giver Meant: You’re a greedy bastard.
What the Receiver Thinks: Marilyn was right.
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The Gift: A key holder disguised as a realistic rock.
What the Giver Meant: You’re a forgetful bastard.
What the Receiver Thinks: Where am I?
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The Gift: A lava lamp.
What the Giver Meant: You’re a stoned bastard.
What the Receiver Thinks: Where am I?
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The Gift: The soundtrack for Burlesque.
What the Giver Meant: You’re a campy bastard.
What the Receiver Thinks: I missed my calling as a Cher drag queen.
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The Gift: The Clapper.
What the Giver Meant: You’re an old bastard.
What the Receiver Thinks: Well, I suppose it is better than the clap.
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The Gift: A Tom and Jerry bowl with matching cups.
What the Giver Meant: You’re a weird bastard.
What the Receiver Thinks: Now my 1930s dish collection is complete!
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The Gift: A three-month membership to a gym.
What the Giver Meant: You’re a fat bastard.
What the Receiver Thinks: You’re just a bastard.
