Apparently the Supreme Court also decided to give me an early gift by declaring me almost-human. Well, almost-human as long as my home state's legislature or court thinks of me as such. Whatever the case, as we all know, I use my birthday as a time to take stock of my life by making comparisons to others’ life journeys, real or imagined, at the same age. It is a little
-
If I were Andy Travis at age 39, it would have been six years since I moved to Cincinnati, Ohio from my hometown of Santa Fe, New Mexico.
If I were Dolly Parton at 39, I would contradictorily record two songs entitled “Real Love” and “Don’t Call It Love" this year.
If I were Paul Lynde at age 39, this is the year I would make my first appearance in the television show Bewitched. My role was not Uncle Arthur (which I would originate at age 40), but rather the outlandishly mortal Harold Harold who attempts to teach Samantha how to drive a car.
If I were Mr. Carlson, it would be another five years before I hired Andy Travis as Program Director of WKRP.
If I were Paula Deen, I would be a racist idiot.
If I were either of my parents at age 39, I would have three children. The oldest would be nineteen and the youngest would be twelve.
If I were Oscar Wilde, this is the year I would produce my play A Woman of No Importance.
If I were Lyle Waggoner, this is the year that I would leave The Carol Burnett Show to play the role of Wonder Woman’s boyfriend, Steve Trevor. Aside: The realization that I was the same age as Steve Trevor sorta made me feel better about aging.
If I were Harvey Milk, this is the year that I would move to San Francisco for the first time.
If I were Che Guevara, I would be executed this year after failing to incite revolution in Bolivia.
If I were Dick Sargent, this is the year I would replace Dick York as Darrin Stephens in the television show Bewitched. Apparently, Elizabeth Montgomery liked to hang around the gays. I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'.
If I were Les Nessman, I would have met Andy Travis last year. Aside: The realization that I was the same age as Les sorta made me want to kill myself.
If I were Adam West, this would be my last year playing Batman. I would, however, continue to do the Batusi on demand.
If I were Venus Flytrap, it would have been ten years since Andy Travis convinced me to quit my job as a science teacher and become a DJ.
If I were Marylin Monroe, I would have been dead for three years.
If I were Miguel Antonio Otero II, I would have been governor of New Mexico for two years.
If I were Mary Richards, I would have been fired from WJM-TV two years ago.
If I were Johnny Fever, Andy Travis would have freed me from playing music by the Hallelujah Tabernacle Choir in order to play rock’n’roll last year.
If I were Jesus, I would have been dead for six years.
Anna Nicole Smith died at age 39.
If I were Pearl Bailey, it would have been ten years since I appeared in Variety Girl with Bob Hope.
If were Leonardo DiCaprio, this is the year I would bore audiences with yet another film version of The Great Gatsby.
Activist Harry Hay officially launched the gay-rights group known as the Mattachine Society at age 39. Given it was 1951, he was considered quite daring.
If I were Sofia Vergara, this is the year I would be voted the “most desirable woman”.
If I were Billie Holiday, this is the year that I would first tour Europe and release my LP Billie Holiday for Clef Records.
If I were Alois Schicklgruber, this is the year that I would change my surname to “Hitler.” It would be another 13 years before the birth of my evil-incarnate son Adolf.
If I were Audrey Hepburn, this is the year that I would marry Italian psychiatrist Andrea Dotti.
If I were Dinah Washington, a.k.a. “Queen of the Blues”, I would die of an accidental overdose of sleeping pills in my Detroit home this year.
If I were Jennifer Marlow, nobody would know my age by my own design.
If I were Octavio Ambrosio Larrazolo, I would be practicing law in Las Vegas, New Mexico. It would be another twenty years before I would be the first elected Mexican American governor in the United States.
If I were Jenny McCarthy, this is they year I would pose for Playboy. Everyone else would wonder how I ever became famous in the first place.
If I were GayProf, I would be under the delusion that people still know this blog exists.
Jaclyn Smith at 39 was reigning as the “Queen of Television Mini-Movie” by starring in both George Washington and The Night They Saved Christmas.
If I were Kate Jackson, I would be diagnosed with a malignant tumor after my first ever mammogram. It would be my last year as one of the titular characters in Scarecrow and Mrs. King.
If I were Cher, I would have created the film production company Isis and filmed one of my most memorable roles as Florence “Rusty” Dennis in the movie Mask at age 39.
If I were Jacqueline Kennedy, this is the year that I would become Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis.
If I were Barbie, I would become a Nascar driver this year because, why not?
If I were Spartacus star Andy Whitfield, I would die this year of non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma.
If I were Franklin D. Roosevelt at age 39, this is the year I would contract my paralytic illness.
If I were Farrah Fawcett, I would win critical acclaim for my acting in the film Extremities.
If I were Wonder Woman, I would age another 2,452 years before joining Patriarch’s world to fight crime.
