Halloween proves a tricky holiday for me. It is, after all, the holiday of my gay brothers. Living in small-town Texas, however, grants few opportunities to take full advantage of this day. Local churches push hard to forbid their children from trick-or-treating. They cry out that it is Satan’s holiday (or do they say it is Santa’s holiday? Sometimes I have trouble understanding their Texan accents). These mega-churches offer alternative events such as hay-rides or carnivals. What confuses me, though, is that by organizing such events, aren’t they still acknowledging Halloween as a day for celebration? Okay, so they cut out the candy and the costumes, thus making it 100% less fun. Still, they give it credence even in their denial of it.
Regardless, scarey, evil Christians do not make me wonder about this holiday. Those bible-beating bastards could not deflate my love of Halloween. What does shake me, however, is that I can never create the costume that I desire. Let me give you some examples of what I aim for and the disappointing results.
- What I would aim for: Wonder Woman. No surprise here. Lynda Carter remains the bench-mark for human incarnations of the Amazon heroine. As Diana Prince, Carter also had the distinction of being one of the few Latinas on television (few people outside the Latino community, btw, ever know that Carter is Latina). Who wouldn’t want to slip on those star-spangled panties and deflect some bullets?
What I would end up with: Bad Drag Wonder Woman. Lynda Carter has quite the size 6.5 red boots to fill. It would be impossible. (Note: Not an actual picture of GayProf).
What I would aim for: Mary Richards. What gay man hasn’t sung “I might just make it after all?” Mary’s merry disposition makes her a favorite among gay folk. Pulling off Mary Tyler Moore’s iconic television character would mean that I could also light the world up with my smile.
What I would end up with: Mary Cheney. This is one scarey, self-hating woman. Far from turning the world on with her smile, she sells out her queer sisters at every moment. Aiming for Mary Richards, but appearing as Mary Cheney is too much to risk.
What I would aim for: Jacqueline Kennedy. This woman had a cool, sophisticated, style that we all should aspire to attain. She redecorated the White House, insisted on the value of being literate, and set trends with her suites and hats. Man, that woman knew how to use accessories! On a trip to Chicago I attended the Field Museum’s Jacqueline Kennedy exhibit. I was within inches of her pill-box hats! Inches! It would be a dream to slip one on my little head for Halloween.
What I would end up with: Ladybird Johnson. Don't get me wrong, there is a soft-spot in my heart for Ladybird. Her campaign to blanket Texas with wild flowers makes Spring the only bearable season here. Plus, she genuinely intended good things for the nation. Still, let’s face it, she had some terrible luck following Jacqueline Kennedy. Plus, I would love to have her nose filled with nickels. It would make me a rich man. I know -- I can be a mean bitch sometimes. Honestly, I would be lucky if I could pull off Ladybird.
What I would aim for: World War II Sailor. Gay men and sailors go together like, oh, I don’t know, gay men and sea-men. From their nifty hats to their crackerjacks, these men embody queer masculinity.
What I would end up with: Gilligan. No disrespect to the recently departed, but Gilligan hardly inspired lust in many viewers. Rather that an alluring man of the seas, I am more likely to end up as someone’s “little buddy.”
What I would would aim for: Ann Marie. Who doesn’t love Marlo Thomas’ zesty feminist ways? As That Girl, she had a fabulous apartment, her own theme song, and a cherry-sweet outlook on life. For an unemployed actor, she also had an astounding wardrobe.
What I would end up with: Lilith. Sadly my public affect does not emote the bubbly giggles of Ann Marie. Instead, I would end up being the severe and reserved Lilith. Not to mention that recreating Ann Marie’s trademark flip would require enough Aquanet to burn an ozone hole over Texas. Still, we are free to be you and me.
What I would aim for: Mr. Clean. This man of house-scrubbing fame is one of my all-time favorite gay icons. He seems as obsessed with ending soap scum as I. Plus, his hunky, white tight t-shirt would delight all the queer folk at any club, if I could pull it off.
What I would end up with: Dick Cheney. Believe me, this could be the scariest costume out there. Young children would easily wet themselves seeing this thing approaching them in a haunted house. Still, I want to be lemony-fresh Mr. Clean, not criminally-insane Dick Cheney.
What I would aim for: James Dean. Over a half-century later, James Dean still can get my blood going. Queer and cool, Dean’s angst epitomized a generation’s struggle with stifling conformity.
What I would end up with: Marlon Brando. Even in his best days, Brando never appealed to me. His screeching for Stella or his other portrayals of
What I would aim for: Eva Gabor. Along with her sister Zsa Zsa, Eva has the accent and aristocratic flair that pleads for gay men’s imitation. I forgive Eva for Green Acres. As a costume, she would ooze style.
What I would end up with: Thunderbirds’ Lady Penelope. Okay, so she has the same wardrobe as Eva. She even gets to drive around in an ultra-fabulous pink Rolls Royce. Still, my shot at being Eva would leave me as plastic as Penelope.
What I would aim for: Diana Rigg. Here is somebody who not only had the chance to marry James Bond in On Her Majesty’s Secret Service, but also kicked ass as Emma Peel in the Avengers. Could there be an icon of cool other than Rigg?
What I end up with: Me in a fur hood: enough said.