Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Clubbing

I have returned to Texas after a great weekend in my homeland. Thanks to all of you who sent music or recommendations of music. I have eclectic tastes, but am very poorly informed. Thus, I appreciate the advice.

Over the weekend, I realized that I am still a bit rusty at being single. An off-handed comment from Danny (who I had a great time with), my own recent post on recommendation letters, and maybe a tad of Wanda Sykes made me think about the secret language of gay clubs.

Keep in mind, it’s not particularly polite. Hey, the Center of Gravitas ain’t a site for kids. Go somewhere else for Family Values.

Here is what gay men say in clubs and what they really mean:

    What He Says: “Wow, you dance really well.”
    What He Means: “I want to touch your cock.”

    What He Says: “How long have you lived here?”
    What He Means: “Why aren’t you touching my cock?”

    What He Says: “Haven’t we met before?”
    What He Means: “Nobody has touched my cock in ten years.”

    What He Says: “When I think of my ideal relationship, I imagine a perfect egalitarian communion of souls.”
    What He Means: “Nobody knows how to touch my cock to make me orgasm except me.”

    What He Says: “I want to touch your cock.”
    What He Means: “I want to touch your cock.”

    What He Says: “Brokeback Mountain is my new favorite gay movie.”
    What He Means: “I really want to touch Jake Gyllenhaal's cock, but will settle for yours.”

    What He Says: “My last relationship? Oh, it was a mutual decision to end that.”
    What He Means: “I was cheating on my boyfriend.”

    What He Says: “My last relationship? Oh, he really changed and it was ultimately better that we split.”
    What He Means: “My boyfriend was cheating on me.”

    What He Says: “Is it okay if we go to your place? My roommates have to work early tomorrow.”
    What He Means: “I am 34 and still live with my parents, who also don’t know I am gay.”

    What He Says: “What do you do for a living?”
    What He Means: “You have five minutes to impress me until I look for someone else to touch my cock.”

    What He Says: “Yeah, the music is okay in here tonight. Saturdays are usually better because they have guest DJ’s. Really, though, the best DJ comes here on Tuesdays.”
    What He Means: “I am a hopeless alcoholic who needs an intervention.”

    What He Says: “Hey, GayProf! I loved your class last semester.”
    What He Means: “Silly, GayProf. Don’t you know that clubs are for kids?”

    What He Says: “Because of my upbringing, I still participate in my Baptist Church despite their stance on gays.”
    What He Means: “I cry after touching another man’s cock.”

    What He Says: “Do you want another drink?”
    What He Means: “Let’s go to the restroom and touch each other’s cocks.”

    What He Says: “I am not sure why I have never had a long-term-relationship. I just never found the right guy to love.”
    What He Means: “I am an emotional vampire who will leave you a dried husk of a man, but I really know how to touch your cock.”

    What He Says: “Hey, I want you to meet my friend. You two have a lot in common.”
    What He Means: “We are looking for a three-way.”

    What He Says: “I just like to come here to dance.”
    What He Means: “I have touched the cock of every man in this bar at least three times.”

    What He Says: “What types of books do you like to read?”
    What He Means: “I have never seen another man’s cock in my life.”

    What He Says: “Usually I don’t come to the club because I am so shy.”
    What He Means: “I am into remarkably kinky shit that you didn’t even know existed.”

    What He Says (within two minutes of meeting): “I am one of those gay men who loves sports.”
    What He Means: “I can’t catch a ball to save my life. I am an exclusive bottom, but can’t come to terms with that part of my desires. Therefore, I am constantly trying to prove my masculinity.”

    What He Says: “I think I am going to check out what’s happening at the club next door.”
    What He Means: “I would rather eat glass than have you touch my cock.”

    What He Says: “Hey, it’s good to see you again!”
    What He Means: “I miss touching your cock.”

    What He Says: “Oh, hey, I haven’t seen you in awhile. I can’t even remember the last time we saw each other.”
    What He Means: “Touching your cock bored me.”

    What He Says: “I am straight, but really like the music here better than the other clubs in town.”
    What He Means: “I am horribly closeted, but deeply want to touch your cock for the next three days.”

    What He Says: “I don’t really notice that this is a gay club.”
    What He Means: “I am straight, but really like the music here better than the other clubs in town.”

    What He Says: “Man, it’s really dead in here tonight.”
    What He Means: “I am going home to touch my own cock.”

14 comments:

MEK the Bear said...

Thanks alot GayProf, you almost killed me you know!

I almost choked on my Chicken Ceaser Salad when I read this!

Sheesh, get some "Choking Hazard from inhaling food while laughing/gasping" warning labels up would you!

Chad said...

What He Says: “I am not sure why I have never had a long-term-relationship. I just never found the right guy to love.”
What He Means: “I am an emotional vampire who will leave you a dried husk of a man


Hey, but we've never met in per-I mean, that's a good description of some guy I actually know.

tornwordo said...

So many that made me laugh. I wish we could just say what we mean, then the whole coupling process could progress so much more smoothly ; )

fgfdsg said...

“I am not sure why I have never had a long-term-relationship. I just never found the right guy to love.”

Usually said within the first two minutes of the conversation. This is why haven't found they're right guy - they're looking for committment based on looks and anyone listening will think they're insane, shallow, or both.

As a mate of mine once said, "Don't use sex to hook a guy if you're then act offended when they don't want love from you".

Great post, made me laugh.

Oso Raro said...

Dear MC Luscious,

Your list is right on the money. You could do a translation for online chat/ad culture, but it would be only slightly different. One question for me: did, pray tell, someone (you, specifically) actually touch another penis (aside from one's own) this weekend? Give us the dish, girl, your inquiring readers want to know!

Another question: your list seems awfully phallocentric, no? What, are there no Ass Masters in New Mexico? Sometimes we don't necessarily want to touch a penis as much as, um, be touched by one, so to speak.

Yours sincerely, Mrs. Bentback Montagne

Frank said...

I've never been to a gay club, so this should come in handy when I do. Though I kinda already knew it was all about the cock. I mean, we ARE men, you know. But oso's right, what about the ass? There are no rimmers in Phoenix???

Larry said...

“Usually I don’t come to the club because I am so shy.”

Uh-oh... I've said that before. I guess my secret is out!

Now where did I put that rubber chicken...?

Dean said...

Is it ironic that you post about cock while you are stalking "princess tiny meat"?

Earl Cootie said...

What he says: It's been so lonely at home since Mother died.

What he means: I'm going to touch your cock over and over after I've severed it from your body.

BlackGold said...

That reminds me of a joke.

Four gay guys walk into a bar and start arguing over who's penis is longer.

Well the bar tender finally got sick of hearing them arguing so told them he had a way to solve this problem.

He told them to stick their penis' on the bar and he'd tell them who's was bigger.

Well just as the put them up there, another gay guy walks in and yells "I'll have the buffet!"

GayProf said...

Dean: I don't believe those rumors about Montgomery Clift. They were just started by jealous straight boys.

Dean said...

Actually, "Princess Tiny Meat" was Marlon Brando's alleged private nickname for Monty. Planet Brando was anything but straight.

chiron said...

To oso's point, I think that there are lots of gardening tips that are not covered here but that speak to how a man cultivates his softer side.

CHROME said...

So you had that good a time...lol