I Go Shopping

Historians get cranky about the past. Don’t even try to take me to a “historical” movie. Much of your evening will be wasted listening to me ramble about the anachronisms of the main woman character’s dress. Come to think of it, maybe that is more of a gay thing than a historian thing – Or maybe it’s a gay-historian thing. Regardless, we like representations of the past to be accurate. It’s our job and gives us a smug sense of self-importance.

That’s why I have a new reason to despise the Coca-Cola Company. They decided to screw around with one of my all-time campy retro favorites: TaB.

Younger than age 25? You probably don’t remember TaB and it’s distinctive pink can. Before Diet Coke, Diet Pepsi, or even Pepsi Light, TaB promised real cola flavor with zero calories. Released in 1963 (the same year JFK took a bullet, fyi), TaB gave dieters a means to keep “tabs” on their waistline (get it? Yeah, they weren't all that clever with puns back in the day).

True, it’s distinctive flavor might cause cancer, but it comes in a pink can. PINK! Has a more gay soda ever been produced? I think not.

Finding TaB proves a challenge these days. Because of all that cancer talk, eighties’ retailers became leery of the Pink. Or so they claim it was the cancer thing. I have a suspicion the real reason behind the disappearance of TaB can be linked to the homophobia of the Reagan era.

Only the truly sad lonely addicted committed can locate this beverage throwback. Look closely in your mego-mart aisles. Hidden under a pile of dust, below the Fresca and Diet Rite, you might just catch a glimmer of the Pink. When you open a can, it’s like having a soda with Jackie O (pill-box hat is optional).

You will also make new friends with TaB. As you walk along the street, expect to be greeted by many people who say things like, “Hey, I remember that!” or "Cool, my mom used to drink that stuff" or “Do they even still make TaB?” or “You are going to get cancer, you know.” It’s all fun. As a fair warning, try not to drink more than one can per day or your kidneys start to hurt.

The other day, though, I went to the market (yes, I actually say “went to the market” in my day-to-day life) and discovered an abomination. Coca-Cola released some nasty concoction called TaB Energy Drink. I am guessing it’s a knock-off of Red Bull. It broke my brittle, abused little heart. In place of the distinctive can, it’s a new, slender slightly rosy colored can.



How could they screw with TaB? Do they really think that the people who drink TaB want an energy drink? We don't want extra caffeine. We certainly don't want Vitamin B12 (what the hell?). All we want is sweet saccharin goodness.

TaB had a retro-cool chic (that also might cause cancer). Don’t tamper with that – let us have our queer soda in peace.