Monday, February 20, 2006

Eight Easy Steps

Now that I know I will be stuck here for at least another year, I need to think about strategies for the future. Too much work exists in this country for a single GayProf, especially if I am stuck in Texas. I mean, though I have that invisible jet, have you seen fuel prices these days? I can’t possibly get around as much as I need. To get all the work done of critiquing queer representations in media and politics, I decided I need to franchise myself.

“No, GayProf,” I hear you saying, “There can be only one of you! You are irreplaceable! We are organizing a military force that you will command in the glorious revolution.” Okay, maybe you aren’t doing that -- yet (I will never get tired of that joke – ever).

Regardless, I’ll show you how to become GayProf in Eight Easy Steps:

Step One: Grow a goatee.

Step Two: Announce that you are a gay man to everyone who is within earshot. Not actually a gay man? No problem! Simply start having sex with men, the rest will follow. Are you a woman? I guess you can have sex with women – but, whatever.

Step Three: Complain loudly and often about the lack of Latinos in comic books/sci-fi (No, Edward James Olmos in Battlestar Galatica is not enough). Then read/watch comic books/sci-fi anyway.

Step Four: Master the Bewitched nose twitch.

Step Five: Spend at least ten minutes every day obsessing about how you could have made a conversation you had five years ago go better. You can cut it down to seven minutes if you no longer even know the people involved in that conversation.

Step Six: Watch lots of gay porn; however, you must divide your time equally between self-gratification and contemplating the socio-political implications of the porn you watch.

Step Seven: Find ways to work Wonder Woman into your daily conversations with friends, even when clearly inappropriate. Let me give you an example:

    Friend: I have been thinking a lot about the anniversary of the Challenger disaster. The meaninglessness of those astronauts' deaths haunts me. Then to have it repeated with the Columbia. I don’t know, GayProf, sometimes I wonder if humanity exceeded our limits. It really makes me question our purpose in this universe and if God has forgotten us.

    GayProf: Yeah, that was a crying shame. Did you know that Wonder Woman’s earrings contain oxygen so she can breathe in space?

Step Eight: No matter how silly or self-absorbed you become by being GayProf, promise to be at the side of all your queer brothers and sisters whenever they need help.

Now you are ready to be your own GayProf. Use this knowledge wisely, kiddies.


tornwordo said...

I've never been able to do the samantha nose twitch. Sigh.

Frank said...

Oh, gayprof, I wouldn't even try to imitate you: it just wouldn't be right!

Roger Owen Green said...

WELL, I'VE GOT 1 and 5 down, and 3, 7, and 8 are doable, but I think you're gonna be stuck being you.

Larry said...

So.. I want to be clear here. Do the nifty earrings come with the gig? Man, that would make my life as the Lovelemming so much easier. You have no idea how many times I've flung myself from a random cliff, only to find a body of water at the bottom.

Helen the Felon said...

Well, I'm Italian and Jewish, so growing a goatee should be easy. That nose-twitch thing, can do. I'd like to see you demonstrate it, if possible. Can you post a video?

chiron said...

I'm so on top of step five. And step seven will be easy for me if I can substitute mention of women's tennis for Wonder "Oh that's too bad about your car fire, did you hear that Mauresmo just won her second straight title in Amsterdam?"

Oso Raro said...

Too funny, chama. Loved the part about gay sex. Isn't that so true? Learn the hydrolics and everything else eventually follows. I guess that's why we're all still looking for butches. What we really need to do is work on our Wonder Womon spins. After all, who doesn't need a quick change like that once in awhile? Dean coming? Annoying hassle student? Your chair with a sheaf of papers destined for your desk? Spin, girl, spin, like your life depended on it, then jump in your invisible plane and fly away!

GayProf said...

Larry: You ask an excellent queston. Like Oso Raro suggests, you will need to master your spin (though the WW-Nazi in me also can't help himself from pointing out that the spin was a total invention of the t.v. show -- in the comic book, Diana used her magic lasso to change clothes, but I digress). So, Larry, on your way off that cliff, you will need to focus on changing into this for water activities. Yeah, I know, it doesn't make sense given WW's outfit was a swimsuit to start. We have decided just to run with it.

Chiron: Hmmm, that seems like a tough call. The WW is pretty vital to the whole GayProf essence, but the women’s tennis thing presents a strong alternative. I think you might have to go for the moniker LesbianProf, though. I am not saying, I am just saying.

TornWordo, ROG, Helen: I would love to demonstrate my nose twitching skill. After all, I spent many hours of my youth learning to do it instead of learning, you know, how to spell and multiply and stuff.

Alas, my technology skills and equipment lack that option. I use a laptop that runs --gasp-- Windows ME. You may need to take a drink now. Take two if you are a Mac person.

If you feel pity, please make your checks out to: GayProf’s Technology Fund. Don’t be deceived, though, I will not use your money for a new computer, but will probably waste it on vodka and boys.

Dorian said...

So...when the franchise gets off the ground...Legion of GayProfs or GayProf Corps?

GayProf said...

Dorian: Oooh, I hadn't thought about naming the collective. Legion of GayProf’s Justice Society sounds about right.

Or maybe they can all be the "GayProfs" and I will promote myself to GayDean or, even better, GayChancellor.