“No, GayProf,” I hear you saying, “There can be only one of you! You are irreplaceable! We are organizing a military force that you will command in the glorious revolution.” Okay, maybe you aren’t doing that -- yet (I will never get tired of that joke – ever).
Regardless, I’ll show you how to become GayProf in Eight Easy Steps:
Step One: Grow a goatee.
Step Two: Announce that you are a gay man to everyone who is within earshot. Not actually a gay man? No problem! Simply start having sex with men, the rest will follow. Are you a woman? I guess you can have sex with women – but, whatever.
Step Three: Complain loudly and often about the lack of Latinos in comic books/sci-fi (No, Edward James Olmos in Battlestar Galatica is not enough). Then read/watch comic books/sci-fi anyway.
Step Four: Master the Bewitched nose twitch.
Step Five: Spend at least ten minutes every day obsessing about how you could have made a conversation you had five years ago go better. You can cut it down to seven minutes if you no longer even know the people involved in that conversation.
Step Six: Watch lots of gay porn; however, you must divide your time equally between self-gratification and contemplating the socio-political implications of the porn you watch.
Step Seven: Find ways to work Wonder Woman into your daily conversations with friends, even when clearly inappropriate. Let me give you an example:
Friend: I have been thinking a lot about the anniversary of the Challenger disaster. The meaninglessness of those astronauts' deaths haunts me. Then to have it repeated with the Columbia. I don’t know, GayProf, sometimes I wonder if humanity exceeded our limits. It really makes me question our purpose in this universe and if God has forgotten us.
GayProf: Yeah, that was a crying shame. Did you know that Wonder Woman’s earrings contain oxygen so she can breathe in space?
Step Eight: No matter how silly or self-absorbed you become by being GayProf, promise to be at the side of all your queer brothers and sisters whenever they need help.
Now you are ready to be your own GayProf. Use this knowledge wisely, kiddies.