Hey, I am the first to acknowledge that being a prof (particularly being a gay-prof) is one sweet gig, if you can get it. Much of my day is spent thinking and wondering. I am a thinker.
Let’s take a look at how a typical day for me usually goes:
9:30 am --10:00 am: Wake-up/shower. Nothing forces me to be at the office at any particular time.
10:00 am -- 10:30 am: Coffee, Read the news. Wonder how 51% of the U.S. voters could have been so feebleminded in 2004.
10:30 am -- 10:35 am: Check e-mail.
10:35 am -- 10:40 am: Lament the lack of personal e-mail. Well, except for a note from a very nice barrister who wants me to be a business partner with him. Apparently, he has access to a secret bank account and needs my help to free up this money. All I have to do is give him my bank account, then I will be rich! Perhaps, though, I have said too much.
10:40 am -- 10:50 am: Arrive at the office and read snail-mail. Open the tenth box of free textbooks sent to me that week. Wonder why free textbooks seem to be the only Swag associated with this job.
10:50 am -- 11:00 am: Meet with a disgruntled student who feels he/she should have gotten a better grade on an exam/paper/quiz. (During Normal Semesters – This semester, this is blog-reading time).
11:00 am -- 11:05 am: Finally get the student to admit that he/she did not read the book for the exam/paper/quiz, thus resulting in his/her low grade.
11:05 am -- 11:55 am: Teach first class (During normal semesters – This semester, this is blog-reading time)
11:55 am -- 12:15 pm: Lunch – These days consisting of Hello Kitty! Pop-Tarts ©.
12:15 pm -- 1:10 pm: Teach second class (During normal semesters – This semester, this is vintage gay-porn watching time – strictly for historical research)
1:10 pm -- 1:30 pm: Chat with a colleague about newly-acquired historical documents that show how much money Thomas Jefferson spent on flax seed. Secretly be smug that my research interests don’t seem so arcane in comparison.
1:30 pm -- 1:45 pm: Open word-processing program to my research project. Stare blankly at the screen for fifteen minutes. Realize that my current research project is so arcane that it makes the price of Jefferson’s flax seeds seem downright riveting.
1:45 pm -- 2:00 pm: Debate about which character from the movie 9 to 5 I would most resemble if I were a woman and an office-worker. Conclude that I would be a mix between Lilly Tomlin’s tough and pragmatic Violet and Jane Fonda’s naïve divorcee Judy.
2:00 pm -- 2:05 pm: Feel sad that I could never be imagined as Dolly Parton’s perky and sexy Doralee.
2:05 pm -- 2:10 pm: Return to word-processor and pledge to write something on the research project in the next hour.
2:10 pm -- 2:15 pm: Question how many times a cursor blinks each minute. Decide to count.
2:15 pm -- 2:20 pm: Suddenly wonder what ever happened to my best friend from the second grade. What was his name? Matt? Mark? Melvin? Decide to google him.
2:20 pm -- 2:30 pm: Listen to a senior traditional-history colleague who stopped by my office. Be informed that he has doubts that I will ever get tenure because Latino history is too “narrow and regional.”
2:30 pm -- 2:45 pm: Regret moving to Texas.
2:45 pm -- 3:00 pm: Actually write two new paragraphs for my research project, mostly out of spite for the senior traditional-history colleague.
3:00 pm -- 3:15 pm: Celebrate having written something by reading more blogs.
3:15 pm -- 3:30 pm: Take a well-earned coffee-break with a friend and junior colleague in the department. Have discussion about which word-processing program, MS-Word© or WordPerfect©, is better able to handle our needs. Take a firm stance for WordPerfect, but secretly think we are both hopeless dorks for having an opinion on this subject.
3:30 pm -- 4:00 pm: Stare at research project on computer screen again. Maybe write one more paragraph. Wish drinking tequila in the office wasn't such a taboo.
4:00 pm -- 4:30pm: Spend quality time hating and despising the liar-ex.
4:30 pm -- 4:45 pm: Contemplate if I hate the liar-ex too much. Conclude that he deserves the hatred. Make a note to increase the time spent hating him to a full hour tomorrow.
4:45 pm -- 5:15 pm: Search e-bay for golden, silver, and bronze-age Wonder Woman comics.
5:15 pm -- 5:30 pm: Make one last effort to write something on the research project.
5:30 pm -- 6:20 pm: Attend therapy session to find more healthy ways of dealing with my life. Question legitimacy of psychotherapy, but decide to keep attending therapy for access to Xanax.
6:20 pm -- 8:30 pm: Gym time – Divide time between straining muscles and wondering if this will be the day that the hunky guy in the blue shirt will actually talk to me. He does not.
8:30 pm -- 9:00 pm: Return to apartment and prepare dinner. This usually involves punching holes in some type of bag and tossing it in the microwave.
9:00 pm -- 9:50 pm: Read new history book for work. Wonder how I will ever get my own research done.
9:50 pm -- 10:00 pm: Pledge to spend less time reading blogs and more time working on my research project tomorrow.
10:00 pm -- 10:40 pm: Watch re-runs of Bewitched and I Dream of Jeannie on DVR. Be pleasantly surprised by how dreamy Larry Hagman used to be. Be equally horrified by how grim both Darrins used to be, especially compared to Samantha.
10:40 pm -- 11:00 pm: Write a new blog entry – Wonder why I can’t have a career writing and reading blogs.
11:00 pm –- 12:30 am: Write e–mails chronicling my action packed day.
12:30 am -- 1:00 am: Suffer from insomnia. Contemplate drinking a fifth of vodka to solve the problem.
1:00 am -- 2:00 am: Decide, instead, to watch Wonder Woman on DVD to solve insomnia problem. Play game trying to deduce which scenes involve Lynda Carter wearing a wig and which show her real hair.
2:00 am: Sleep. Dream of something historical.
Yeah, it’s a real mystery why people think being a college professor is such a cushy job. Look at my day! All I do is slave, slave, slave – work, work, work.