Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Kitty, You Bitch!

My department completed the arduous voting process to select our new super-senior historian. It came as little surprise, but the traditional historians won by a landslide. If the candidate decides to take the job, I am sure he will be a fine addition. He seemed nice enough during the interview.

I am disturbed, though, by the way the vote became a referendum on the direction of the department. Traditional history seems poised to reclaim its never lost dominance. It also makes me blue that so many of my colleagues have so much anger towards “diversity” hires.

The last couple of posts, though, have already been filled with angst and civic duty. Even I think there is such a thing as too much gravitas. So, why not direct ourselves to the most extreme mixture of camp and sugar to ever hit the shelves? No, I am not talking about Pixy-Stix© (the former reigning champion).

GayProf likes to eat when he feels low. It’s a sad state of affairs, but if I am counting calories, I will actually choose sugar over alcohol – most times. Until Adam makes good with the cookies, I needed to find other food stuffs to feel better. My local market provided the astounding Pop-Tarts© based on Hello Kitty! You can find another review of this snack item here.



We already know that GayProf can be a sucker for food that comes in pink packaging. You add onto that Hello Kitty! and I am giggling like a Japanese School Girl.

Nothing appears natural about the Kitty tart. The frosting’s color simply doesn’t occur in the wild. The top of the tart (I like using the word “tart” as many times as possible) has been coated with neon yellow stars and moons. It looks like a magical elf used the tart as a tissue. Kellogg’s had the nerve to call the tart’s filling “Meow Berry,” which they probably used because it sounds less threatening than “sugar flavored sugar with red dye number 5."

The sad part is that I actually liked them. My conscious mind said not to like them, but my weak stomach said to eat them all. Did I mention they have lots of sugar? I think I might be suffering renal failure. I might not finish this post because of the sugar coma.

No wonder the U.S. has an obesity problem. If, through the modern miracles of science, Kellogg’s can make me consume dry pasty-dough like it was filled with crack, what hope do we have? Speaking of crack, I swear by the third tart the Hello Kitty image on the box started talking to me.

We have a collective obsession with sugar and fat. If we can get those two things served together, we will pay top dollar. This seems magnified in Texas. I have been to a restaurant that served deep-fried cheesecake. I can’t make this shit up. Somebody at some point said, “Gee, I love that taste of cheesecake, but wish it involved more fat. Maybe I should wrap it in philo dough and let it rest in a little lard Jacuzzi first.” You know I ordered a piece, too.

20 comments:

tornwordo said...

I thought the fried cheesecake was an urban legend. You ate it?

Pop tarts are one of my secret pleasures. Frosted cherry is best. (Why would anyone buy the UNfrosted ones? If you're going to sin, do it in style, right?)

I'm definitely intrigued by the new Hello Kitty Meow Berry.Mmmmmm

Helen the Felon said...

Oh.My.God.Becky.

See, this is good. Now when you get to Boston and come visit me in New York, we can go shopping for new pants to accomodate our humongous Meow-Berry asses. I seriously cannot wait.

Earl Cootie said...

I suppose I would be tempted to at least taste the fried cheesecake. Is that how they sell those? Hope for a revolving door of curiosity seekers? And did/will you have a second one?

I agree with tornwordo. Frosted cherry is best.

Dorian said...

You would think historians, of all people, would have a better sense of how times change...

If they make Badtz-Maru Pop Tarts I'll be in trouble. I can probably resist Hello Kitty. (Though Meow-Berry is a tempting flavor name...)

Fried cheescake is a staple of the county fairs around here, along with fried Twinkies.

Joe said...

I'm waiting for the Keropi-Tarts.

Badtz-Maru is so, like, over.

Anonymous said...

Hi Prof -
Your shy secret admirer here. Uh, no real choice if it's between alcohol and sugar, as alcohol IS sugar (just not usually sweet-tasting).
I prefer frosted Blueberry Pop Tarts, myself. But I save them for when I am really desperate for a sugar fix.

Come to think of it, since it IS my birthday today I think I'll indulge! :)

-Anon Hotforprof.

Perspective of Pete said...

lol....

GayProf said...

Anon: Happy Birthday, Amazon Sister! Have a Magarita on my behalf.

GayProf said...

Oh, and to answer some other questions: Yes, I really did eat the deep-fried cheesecake. No, it’s not an urban legend. It tasted fine. Remember, it's basically 100% fat at that point. I would not order it again, though. Each piece shaves two years off of your life expectancy.

MEK the Bear said...

Am I the only one that's afraid of the name Meow Berry? It just makes me think the pop-tarts going to purring, or howling when you bite into it, or arching it's back or something. Too freaky for me! Hmmm..where's my anti-psychotic medication?

jeremy said...

mmm . . . deep fried cheesecake.
and badtz-maru and keropi are *both* over. it's all about burnt bread boy now--which would be a very suitable for pop tarts.

Elizabeth McClung said...

As one so deeply under the influence of Shojo that a shapeshifting vampire king who is a kitty as well as an oh-so-pretty boy in dresses who seems to be kissing three different princes is a "mainstream" romance (Vampire Game). So now that I know Meow Berry is available in the US, I will likely be buying a case or two as soon as possilbe. I haven't be able to actually EAT a pop-tart in years, but that doesn't stop be from buying them; that promise of chemical ambrosia better than fruit and the frosting delights of childhood......oh so pretty.

Kitty said...

I'm sure all of you can have all the Meow Berry pop tarts you want on my fabulous Hello Kitty Airlines.

batmansf said...

GayProf, you really shouldn't let Kitty shamelessly promote herself like that on your site. She is SUCH a capitalist PIG!

dirk.mancuso said...

Is it just me, or does it seem sadly ironic (and more than a bit cruel) to use an icon like Hello, Kitty to promote foodstuffs when she doesn't even have a mouth?

glenn said...

I started to drool over the lard jacuzzi idea. Why hasn't someone deep fat fried poptarts? Yum.

bryce said...

Fake flavors rule. Fake banana especially. I hate to say it, but I didn't like bananas until I sucked on a banana popsicle a dozen years ago.

But I have sworn off junk food until I fit into my Summer 05 clothes. Until then, I'll have to take your word for it!

chiron said...

*fake flavors rule*

That is screamingly real. I too use fakes to enhance my experience of life sometimes.

Da Nator said...

I almost bought those, myself, but my body started producing mass amounts of testosterone to ward off the urge as soon as I fully saw the box. I am still plucking hairs out of my ears and wearing out Madden 06.

Malaika said...

damn..at least you got good taste in fine men...i noticed that the reason you started your blog, and what got mine up and running really were the same...liars suck...LL is sooo fine!! His son looks so much like him its ridiculous.