Tuesday, July 18, 2006

What Has GayProf Done with His Life?

In the midst of Summer School ending, traveling to New Mexico, and planning for my move to Boston, I also celebrated my birthday a couple of weeks ago. Don’t fret if the day passed you by without notice this year. In about ten years, you will easily remember it because, of course, it will be a national holiday.

For those keeping score, GayProf now has 32 years under his belt. I feel neither particularly old nor young. Age generally doesn’t matter to me. Unless, of course, I happen to chat with an eighteen-year-old student, then I feel as ancient as Susan B. Anthony.

That aside, I like to get a sense of comparison between my life and others. Where were other people at age 32?

    If I really were Susan B. Anthony, at the age of 32, I would be organizing the first woman’s state temperance society in the U.S. along with Elizabeth Caddy Stanton.

    If I were Jacqueline Kennedy, I would only have one more year in the White House.

    If I were Jesus, I would be dead in another year.

    If I were Pierre Trudeau, I would be involved with Quebec’s Asbestos Strike.

    If I were Mary Richards, I would have moved to Minneapolis two years ago.

    If I were Emiliano Zapata, this would be the year that I issue the Plan de Ayala, my call for revolution under the banner "Tierra y Libertad."

    If I were Pancho Villa, I would have another four years before I became instrumental in thwarting Huerta’s dictatorial ambitions.

    If I were Harvey Milk, it would be another 15 years before I became the first openly gay elected official in a major U.S. city.

    If I were GayProf, I would be planning on moving to Boston for the year to take advantage of a great fellowship. Oh, wait, I am GayProf.

    If I were César Chávez, I would need another eight years before I founded the precursor to the UFW with Dolores Huerta.

    If I were Dolores Huerta, I would found the precursor to the UFW with César Chávez this year.

    If I were Kate Jackson, I would have left Charlie’s Angels two years ago. It would be another three years before I starred in Scarecrow and Mrs. King.

    If I were Farrah Fawcett, I would have left Charlie’s Angels two years ago.

    If I were Jaclyn Smith, I would be the last of the “original” Charlie’s Angels still on the show.

    If I were James Dean, I would have been dead for eight years.

    If I were Oscar Wilde, I would be in the middle of my United States tour.

    If I were either of my parents, I would already have three children. The youngest would be four years old.

    If I were Cher, I would be divorcing Gregg Allman this year. It would be four more years before I resurrected my acting career with Come Back to the Five and Dime Jimmy Dean, Jimmy Dean.

    If I were Billie Holiday, I would be going to jail on drug charges.

    If I were Walt Whitman, I would be busy writing the first edition of Leaves of Grass.

    If I were Reies López Tijerina, it would be another four years before I founded La Alianza Federal de Mercedes. (You don’t even know who this is, do you?)

    If I were Langston Hughes, I would publish The Ways of White Folks this year.

    If I were That Girl’s Ann Marie, a decade would have passed since I first met Donald Hollinger.

    If I were Scarlett O’Hara, I would have just realized that I actually loved Rhett Butler, not drippy Ashley Wilkes.

    If I were Eva Perón, I would only have one more year of life.

    If I were Malcolm X, I would have joined the Nation of Islam five years ago. The FBI would have opened a file on me four years ago.

    If I were Franklin D. Roosevelt, I would be in the middle of my stint as Secretary of the Navy. Mmmm -- Sailors.

    If I were Wonder Woman, I would age another 2,459 years before joining Patriarch’s world to fight crime.


Wiccachicky said...

Wow - you have such a positive spin! If I'd done this same thing I would have written things like, "I'd be 10 years behind Einstien in coming up with theories that changed the world" or "I'd be 15 years behind Joan of Arc saving an entire country." lol.

Alan said...

And if you were me, you'd still have 2 to 3 years left in grad school. Ugh.

vuboq said...

If you were VUBOQ, you would be working for the National Lead Information Center (your 2nd most soul-sucking job ever).

I *heart* the subjunctive mood, btw.

And *happy belated birthday smooches*

Chris said...

Ha! I'll let you know in three+ years. :-)

Larry said...

Wow, you and I are the same basic age, huh? I'll be 32 in October.

It could be worse, you could be me: unemployed and unsure of your future!

happy birthday hot stuff :)

MaggieMay said...

If you were Cole Porter, you would be four years into your sham-marriage to Linda, and 9 years away from writing 2 of Maggie's favorite Cole Porter songs (Night and Day, and After You, Who).

By the way, I think you should do a post on how we should celebrate the soon-to-be national holiday that is GP's bd.

Chad said...

If I were Jesus, I would be dead in another year.

Oh, if only you were nearby, I'd throw you a "You Outlived the Son of God" party! I've wanted to do that for someone for so long.

Beau RN said...

Happy Belated, GayProf.
I'm not sure I even remember 32 and I'm only 36.

You, on the other hand, are a rocked out Prof with a kickass fellowship in Boston, not Texas. Sounds like you're right where you belong.

Seeker Onos said...

Hmmm. If you were Seeker... you'd be puzzling wth whether or not it is possible to reconcile being (partially) gay and lusting after hot guys while being happily married to a beautiful woman; and you wouldn't have a handle on it for another 6-8 months.

dykewife said...

if you were me, you would be the mother of a new infant of only 2 months, you'd be starting a slow withdrawal from the world that would, in a year's time, have your world fall apart at your feet. it would take you another 9 years to recover enough to become employed again.

happy belated hatch day.

composerartist said...

At 32 I was a fairly well-known "home taper" musician within the "indie" musician's network. By that point I had released about 10 cassette-tape albums and was well-known as a reviewer and essayist about other "home tapers" of the time. Reviews and articles written by me can be found on the archives of OP, OPtion, Sound Choice, and Gajoob magazines, and there is a piece about me in the June 1989 issue of Keyboard.

Dorian said...

Happy Birthday Prof!

I regret I have no gift other than a link to this music video.

jeremy said...

If you were Rainer Werner Fassbinder, you would have just completed Fox and His Friends and would be starting production on The Stationmaster's Wife. You would also be five years from your suicide.
Happy Bday, old man!

Michael Rebain said...

Regarding your mention of FDR's serving as Woodrow Wilson's Assistant Secretary of the Navy, some years back I read a good bio of his pre-Presidential life, A First Class Temperament, by Geoffrey C. Ward:


It related the story of FDR's involvement with a gay sex scandal at the Newport Rhode Island Naval Base. Here's an account of that scandal:


Earl Cootie said...

If you were the city of Seattle, you'd be changing the name of City Park to Volunteer Park while your Water Department was building the Water Tower inside the park. You wouldn't even begin to imagine that both would be notorious cruising spots before the century was out.

If you were Earl Cootie, you'd still be sewing your wild oats in Phoenix a full year after escaping an abusive relationship.

Joe.My.God. said...

If you were me, you'd be the general manager of a 7-screen Miami art-house. In 1991.

Laura Elizabeth said...

Happy Birthday!

You need to contact Wikipedia and let them know there is a serious omission from the http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1974 entry.

GayProf's birthday is not listed!

MollyMaureen said...

so little faith you have in your readers...Reies López Tijerina was a vocal figure in the 60's working for the decendents of Mexican and Spanish (maybe on that one)Americans to restore land grants in New Mexico. He raided the Tierra Amarilla courthouse, I assume for the same cause but I don't quite remember. Yeah :-) I knew it! I adore you blog...your prose is fantastic!

Elizabeth McClung said...

I am not sure listing people who are dead as motivation is positive but whatever works for you! Just repeat this mantra into the mirror: "Every day and in every way, I am still 29" - self delusion is the greatest gift of all.

Lorraine said...

Happy birthday!

(And just out of curiosity, how did the flinging of the ring thing go in NM?)

Kalvin said...

Well, such a varied picture of 32. I don't see what's so bad about it. Just look for the boys with forest green handkerchiefs on their left side, and you'll be all set. I'm sure you'll fit the role nicely.

Anonymous said...

You are much younger than I would've thought, given the maturity and intelligence behind your writing, and the Wonder Woman fetish. You were what, 3 when that show was on?

That was a compliment, oddly. Happy birthday, young man!!

Roger Owen Green said...

When I turned 32, I had been working in a comic book store for nearly five years and involved in a secret romance for several months.
I'd rather not go back.

But happy belated birthday.

Da Nator said...

If your were Da Nator... crap, I'm too old to remember!

Happy belated birthday! And I, too, would like to hear if you threw the ring into the river.

Roger Owen Green said...


WW stuff.

Anonymous said...

And if you were me, you'd have nine more years of sweetness, light, warmth, and hope for the future and then turn into a raging beast of a bitch because of what I am going to share with you, below. Oh fantastic GayProf, could you PLEASE discuss this among your masses?

Dear all,

Please take the time to read this and forward it to others. Written by someone who understands the most sophisticated of technology including electronic voting machines and who has granted permission to forward this to others.

Just remember that political scientists have proved for years that exit polls do not lie.


---------- Forwarded message ----------

Once again I have been sucked into voting machine fraud issues.

Spent all day yesterday unpacking more information. Here is the summary.

In 2000 I knew THAT it would be done.

Then in 2002 it first became clear WHERE it was being used.

Then in 2004 uncovered several ways HOW it can be done.

Now, finally, in 2006 we have some idea of WHO is doing it. And if you have seen the editorial in the NY Times, or the lengthy cover story from Rolling Stone by RFK Jr., there are finally more powerful voices than mine getting involved who are equally stunned and frightened by what this means.

Diebold has built - at the very least - three back doors into the system to allow votes to be changed. A man named [name deleted] who works for Diebold in the Vancouver BC programming center is a specialist in tunnels and alternate access systems. He put the systems in place allowing the election to be stolen.

In the newer models of TSX there is even an IR port installed that allows "confirmation of status" to be beamed to and from the machines while in use. I love it. Diebold is selling as a feature the fact that you can check the votes, test the system, and update the machine in place and on the fly.

None of the poll workers I have interviewed even know what an IR port is, how to use it, or how to determine if it's turned on, or off. (The default setting is ON.)

I was able to reset a machine to zero from the passenger seat of a car and I was able to crash a voting machine by confusing the IR port with odd instructions sent from my Treo handheld.

Ken Blackwell, then Sec. of State of Ohio, and Chairman of Bush's Ohio Election committee mandated that Diebold Machines be exclusively used in Ohio voting.

Now, the question is, who used the access systems to do the stealing?

And even more amusing, Ken Blackwell is now running for Governor of Ohio. He is trailing in the polls by over 20%. On election day, I bet he trails by a huge number in the exit polls, and the voters will elect Ted Strickland. However when the Diebold machines announce the winner, Ken Blackwell will get 51.8% of the vote from the Diebold Machines. How do I know that?

George W. Bush's backers stole Ohio in 2004. The Exit Polling: Kerry 53, Bush 48 was correct. That is how people voted. But the Diebold machines manufactured a Bush win with 51.6%

Saxby Chambliss backers stole GA in 2002. Exit Polling: Max Cleland 54, Chamblis 44. That is how people voted. But the Diebold machines manufactures a Chamblis win with 52.1%

Unfortunately, Congress refuses (except John Conyers and few others) to listen to the very real information brought to them that the election was stolen, and certified it, so we get a President who SUCCEEDED in stealing an election. And a Senate that probably has 3 stolen seats today (all GOP) and I predict will have another 5 stolen seats after the 2006.

It is even drilling down into House races now. The Bilbray-Busby special election to replace Cunningham was a highly unpredictable, off-cycle, off-season race, but still...the Diebold machines produced a 51.9% GOP win.

In Ukraine, when the people realized the exit polls were 8 points different from the announced results, they took to the streets, stormed Parliament and brought the actual vote winner Yushenko and the Orange Revolution to power.

I am utterly convinced no matter how many people I prove this too, that until people take the streets and demand the restoration of democracy in the country, the machine behind the GOP will keep stealing every election it wants to.

Wondering what to do about this?

* Forward this message to your friends.

* Cut and paste this message to your favorite blogs.

* Ask your blog host to discuss this issue.

* Talk to friends and colleagues about this.

* Call your Congressman and demand that electronic voting machines be banned from all elections.

This is important.