Blog and Live Forever

I have survived the full-day meeting discussing the future of my academic department. Such events are the second-worst aspect of this job (the worst being grading). I have been around long enough to know that nothing will actually be decided in these meanings. On the contrary, all the important decisions have already been made before any of us set foot in that room. The meeting is just about giving the illusion of democratic process.

The low point of this meeting came when we had the opportunity to opt for a half-day gathering next year. “No, no,” my colleagues cried out, “We must have a full day wasted on things that we won’t remember discussing two months from now to critically discuss all the salient issues facing our program.” Why? Why are they so cruel?

To be honest, for most of the meeting, I zoned out into my own world. What do I think about when zoning out? This is a pretty accurate representation of what goes through my mind:




It really makes everything feel better.

Alas, though, my little bloggy hasn’t had much attention lately. Such is the way that it must be until I can finally put the Never Ending Research Project of Doom to rest. Only sporadic entries here at CoG for the next several months. I know, I know. I hear you crying out, "How can you be so inattentive, GayProf? We crave every moment of your attention. Our lives depend on your guiding gravitas!"

Okay, maybe you aren't saying that exactly. To paraphrase Charles DeGaulle: The nation’s graveyards are full of indispensable bloggers.



Given that this blog is currently on life-support, it made me consider what indicates the status of various blogs. Many bloggers become devoted to building a massive readership.

What changes a blogger from being ordinary to catapulting him/her/hir to internet celebrity (currently the lowest grade of celebrity possible)? Here are some signs to look out for in determining one’s social status in the blogosphere:

Anonymous: You say that spam advertising penile enlargement “still counts” as a comment on an entry.

Obscure: You get one or two incisive responses to your most provocative posts.

Middling: You have a loyal core of readers who will give a comment, even if it is just out of pity.

Celebrity: You are guaranteed a minimum of forty comments even if the blog entry is nothing more than a picture of your empty breakfast bowl.



***
Anonymous: Your blog is not linked by anybody.

Obscure: Your friends and family link you.

Middling: People you have never met link you.

Celebrity: People link you only out of the hope that you will link them back.

***

Anonymous: The only e-mail generated from your blog is a secret offer from a Nigerian who needs you to open a bank account for him.

Obscure: You occasionally get e-mail from people you don’t know in real life.

Middling: You get birthday cards from people you don’t know in real life.

Celebrity: You get mail from people that you probably don’t want to know in real life.

***

Anonymous: Google doesn’t even know you exist.

Obscure: People can find your blog if they type its exact name into Google.

Middling: You find that Google sends people to your blog for incoherent search strings that have little to do with your actual blog content (For instance, “What are the dangers of tanning my vagina?”).

Celebrity: Google is currently attempting a hostile take over of your site.

***

Anonymous: The government has no idea that you exist.

Obscure: Some really low level government bureaucrat once looked at your blog.

Middling: The government is watching your blog to see if you are earning income that you are not reporting on your taxes.

Celebrity (If on the political left): Your blog has resulted in the White House naming your blog part of the “Axis of Evil” and/or the FBI's watch list.

Celebrity (If on the political right): Your blog has resulted in the White House giving you a medal for being their unpaid mouthpiece.

***

Anonymous: When you wrote your last entry, you said that it was about practicing your own writing skills.

Obscure: When you posted your last entry, you wrote it with one particular reader in mind.

Middling: When you wrote your last entry, you imagined that it would later be published by Vogue magazine.

Celebrity: When you wrote your last entry, you told yourself that it was just filling the time until you finally get your own television show.

***

Anonymous: You are most often naked while you write your blog.

Obscure: You have given away t-shirts based on your blog.

(Modeled byVUBOQ)

Middling: You can actually sell t-shirts based on your blog at CafePress or other such sites.

Celebrity: Designers send you their new clothes in the hope that you will wear them while you blog.

***

Anonymous: You have posted pictures of celebrities.

Obscure: You know another blogger who had a brush with a real-life celebrity.

Middling: A celebrity stopped by your blog – once.

Celebrity: You are currently in litigation for slander and/or copyright infringement with a celebrity

***

Anonymous: If your blog was a retail store, it would be Montgomery Ward.

Obscure: If your blog was a retail store, it would be Hot Topic.

Middling: If your blog was a retail store, it would be Target.

Celebrity: If your blog was a retail store, you couldn’t afford to shop there.

***

Anonymous: You tell yourself you that you are blogging “for your own enjoyment.”

Obscure: You tell yourself that you are blogging because you want to meet new people.

Middling: You tell yourself that you are blogging because your ego leads you to imagine that other people expect you to blog.

Celebrity: You blog because it's your main source of income.

***

Anonymous: Nobody knows that you or your blog exists in the real world.

Obscure: You once overheard somebody mention a blog that also happens to link to you.

Middling: People recognize you based on your blog name.

Celebrity: You have had to file restraining orders against readers of your blog.

***

Anonymous: You link to current news articles in your blog.

Obscure: Your blog is the first place that somebody hears of a particular news story.

Middling: Other people build an entry using your blog’s coverage of a news story.

Celebrity: Your blog is the news story.



***

Anonymous: Nobody takes the time to speculate on you in real life.

Obscure: People will mention that they think “you seem cool” in the comments section.

Middling: People will take time out of their life to leave anonymous comments saying how much they dislike you and/or your blog.

Celebrity: People have devoted their own blog to documenting how much they hate you.


***

Anonymous: You have no social contacts based on your blog.

Obscure: You have social contacts who read your blog, but they already knew you before you ever blogged.

Middling: You have met new friends through your blog that you would have never met in real life.

Celebrity: You have slept with people through your blog.

***

Anonymous: Readers have no memory of your blog.

Obscure: Readers remember your most recent entry.

Middling: Readers remember one or two of your best entries.

Celebrity: Readers claim to remember when "your blog was actually good."

***
Anonymous: You still have perspective that the mainstream media shapes public opinion far more than all blogs combined.

Obscure: You feel that a small community of bloggers might be able to sway some people and therefore post a banner for your favored candidate.

Middling: You write extensive political posts imagining that somebody will take notice.

Celebrity: Your ego is so out of control that you conclude that the 2008 election hinges on your blog.

***
Anonymous: If your blog was one of Charlie's Angels, it would be Tiffany Welles.

Obscure: If your blog was one of Charlie's Angels, it would be Chris Monroe.

Middling: If your blog was one of Charlie's Angels, it would be Kelly Garrett.

Celebrity: You would be too cool to fully understand these references.



***

Anonymous: You take the time to write a blog entry when you want to do so.

Obscure: You write a blog entry on a regular schedule.

Middling: Your regular job is suffering because you are blogging all the time to “reach the next level.”

Celebrity: Nobody has noticed that all your entries are really just summaries of news feeds. You have not posted an original idea in years.

***

Anonymous: Nobody writes about you.

Obscure: People make an entry in their own blog discussing having met you.

Middling: People express disappointment that you are not as interesting/entertaining in real life as your blog persona.

Celebrity: Somebody has sold naked pictures of you to a tabloid.

***

Anonymous: It would never occur to you that your blog could be a source of swag.

Obscure: You write a review of a movie/product hoping for swag.

Middling: A company asks you to write a review in exchange for swag.

Celebrity: You have your own swag that you give out.

***

Anonymous: 100 percent of the general public doesn’t care what you write in your blog.

Obscure: 100 percent of the general public doesn’t care what you write in your blog.

Middling: 100 percent of the general public doesn’t care what you write in your blog.

Celebrity: 99.999 percent of the general public doesn’t care what you write in your blog.

Since Somebody Asked. . .

Most of us bloggers keep an eye on the number of people who visit our particular plot on the internet. When I first started the blog, I remember that I slavishly checked the statcounter every few minutes to see who was reading the blog. At some point, though, I just relaxed about it.

Still, I check in at least daily to see the numbers and the referrals. As many of us know, Google searches provide the most unexpected links to our blogs.

Over the past several months, I have been keeping track of questions posed to Google that brought new readers to CoG. Since I imagine most were disappointed with what they actually found on this blog, I will try to dutifully answer those questions right now. After all, I consider CoG a public service. I am a giver like that.

All of these are real questions that people typed into Google only to end up here:


Why are homos against Christianity?

Well, just taking a stab in the dark, I would say some of our resentment might come from Christians referring to us as “homos.” Or maybe we find it nauseating that holier-than-thou “Christians” refuse to allow us access to religious sites, even for funerals.

Still, it’s too simplistic to say that all queer folk oppose Christianity. Likewise, not all hetero Christians are hate mongers.

Many queer people turn to the religious beliefs of their childhood for spiritual comfort. Others just love the costume changes, incense, and theatricality that comes with organized religion. It’s the same reason that so many gay men join the navy. Well, that and all the hot man-on-man sex.

How to cure a bewitched penis?

Probably it involves twitching your nose.

Was Jackie Kennedy really Isis reincarnated?

Oh.My.God. What a fantastic theory! Both Isis and Jackie Kennedy were associated with the pursuit of wisdom and knowledge. They both knew how to rock a fabulous buckle and accessorize for success. They both fashioned their husband’s penis out of gold. Oh, wait – I am not sure that Isis did that last one.



Does that make JFK into Osiris? Were they brother and sister (eeeeeeeeeeeeeew! (Though this would also explain the inscrutable House of Yes)).

Perhaps, though, when Jackie was still a Bouvier, she participated in an archaeological dig where she discovered an ancient amulet. With that amulet she controlled the powers of the animals and the elements. She could soar as the falcon soars, run with the speed of gazelles and command the elements of sky and earth.


Then again, if she were really a god personified, I am going to guess that she might have stopped all the death that surrounded her. Or, at the very least, kept the tabloid photographers at bay.

Did Princess Leia have sex with Jabba the Hut during her enslavement?

Um – Well – I – Um – That is just nasty. Stay away from my blog.

Is having a baby too bourgeois?

No – But ignoring the long-term societal and environmental consequences of such a decision is irresponsible in my book (regardless of your relationship to the means of production). Let’s not talk about the nation’s “children” as if they will be five years old forever. Those children grow up to be the super consumers of the earth’s resources that are causing havoc with the world.

If you must have a biological child, the best option for our earth is to delay having a baby until later in your life and then limit the number to one. Really, the planet does not need more humans (no matter how valuable you imagine your personal DNA).

The really, really best option, though, is to adopt. There are many children who already exist in the world who are homeless and need a loving parent. I have immeasurable respect for people (queer or straight) who chose this option over having biological children. In contrast, I lose respect for people who have tons and tons of biological children out of complete selfishness.

Why do men like short shorts?

Probably men like short shorts because they are short.

I don’t think that it is because men participate in a vast conspiracy to bring the cotton industry to its knees. Nope – They just want to check your bod.

At first I thought that question was about hetero men. Then I realized, we gay boys like men in short shorts, too. We all want to read the writing on the label before we buy.

How to get gravitas?

I am guessing Katie Couric asked Google this question in a desperate ploy to save her CBS gig.



Katie, don’t fret. You can be just like me, a god of gravitas, in five easy steps:


1. Allow the world’s many problems to weigh heavily on your mind at all time.

2. No longer watch movies and television for entertainment. Instead, they must always be scrutinized for their statements about race, gender, and sexuality.

3. Buy clothing made of all natural fibers. Actually, this really doesn’t have anything to do with gravitas, but it’s good advice anyway.

4. Lead a personal life filled with disappointment and heartbreak (I am guessing you are way ahead on this one).

5. Grow a goatee (You, in particular, will get triple gravitas points for this one).


How will you know if you have succeeded? It will come at the time when you start wondering if your garbage men judge you because all of your recyclables are wine bottles. When you come home to an intervention hosted by those same garbage men, you will know that you have gone too far.

Do Bostonians like Texans?

No. No, they don’t. Why? Well, the majority of Bostonian voters are against the death penalty (much like the EU), support (though fail to enforce) civil rights, believe health care is a human right, respect diversity, and believe gay people are, well, human. In short, they are exactly the opposite of the majority of Texan voters. Bostonians also bristle at overt displays of religiosity. I felt so at home in Boston . . . **sigh**.

Is Anderson Cooper/Mika/Jodi Foster/ Ron Stoppable/Sean Hayes gay?

If you have to ask the question . . .

Am I still straight if I get turned on by watching gay porn?

Well, I always think that straight porn is a bit queer myself anyway. Why do straight men depend so heavily on seeing another man ejaculate for their erotic enjoyment?

If, though, you are watching gay porn exclusively, I would say that this doesn't necessarily mean that you are gay. It does, however, mean that you sure as hell aren't straight. But, hey, now that you know, this opens up a whole new world. If you like seeing it on the big screen, you will love having it at home!

Can you get a vaginal infection from spray tanning?

Why are you tanning your vagina? Are you worried that your vagina doesn’t look like it spends enough quality time frolicking at the beach?

I have never had a vagina, but, if I did, I would probably avoid dousing it with harsh chemicals. It goes without saying that any man-made substance that you introduce to the vaginal area could potentially have serious side effects (that includes semen).

Where can I find pretty lesbians in the Rio Grande Valley?

It surprises me that you are finding this a challenge. Some of the most beautiful people I have ever seen resided in the Rio Grande Valley. Okay, I only had eyes for the men. Still, I am sure that women live there too. Some of them must be lesbians.

Overall, I would say pretty is as pretty does. What have you done to make yourself pretty today?

Did James Dean have crabs?

From what I understand, James Dean practiced very poor personal hygiene. Combine that with his sexually adventurous personality and I would be willing to bet that he did have crabs (at least once).

Still, there is no historical evidence of such things to my knowledge. And, let’s be honest, you still would have done him anyway.

How can I perk up my nipples?

Ice – and lots of it.

Is GayProf physically attractive in real life?

I am, except when I am not.

Since I started stalking him, I realized that I look a tad like a human incarnation of Dr. Strange. Or maybe it’s just because we both wear the same long flowing red cape and control the mysteries of the universe through cryptic incantations. Whatever.