Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Give a Little, Take a Little

Alright, kiddies, I am off to my equivalent of Paradise Island. That’s assuming that the invisible jet can navigate through these snowstorms. Transparent wings don’t really take to chemical de-icer. I am not sayin', I am just sayin'.

Before departing, though, I thought that I would once again help you all decipher the hidden messages behind gifting this year. Okay, a couple are recycled – But they are as true now as ever!

And that truth can be as disillusioning as my discovery that egg nog is now manufactured with that nasty high fructose corn syrup. Oh, agribusiness, is there nothing you won't ruin?

Here is a list of gifts, what the giver meant by giving them, and what the receiver thinks upon getting each:

    The Gift: A copy of Going Rogue.

    What the Giver Meant: I have a perverted sense of humor.

    What the Receiver Thinks: Oh, I can use this. My coffee table is a little wobbly because of that short leg.


    The Gift: A complete set of the Twilight saga.

    What the Giver Meant: Sex will only bring heartache, despair, and pain – So don’t do it!

    What the Receiver Thinks: I will develop a kinky S&M obsession involving fangs.


    The Gift: A complete set of True Blood on DVD.

    What the Giver Meant: Buying porn seemed too obvious.

    What the Receiver Thinks: Was the store out of porn?


    The Gift: Antique Dishes

    What the Giver Meant: My dishmania has reached the level that I can only justify things to myself if I buy them for other people.

    What the Receiver Thinks: These better be dishwasher safe.


    The Gift: Diamonds!

    What the Giver Meant: I am trying to buy your love.

    What the Receiver Thinks: I wonder how many children suffered digging these out of the ground. . .


    The Gift: A Bible.

    What The Giver Meant: You should remember the real reason for the season.

    What The Receiver Thinks: When will this sanctimonious asshole get out of my house?


    The Gift: A blank, white coffee mug.

    What the Giver Meant: I panicked at the local CVS.

    What the Receiver Thinks: Was the CVS out of Bourbon this year?


    The Gift: A basic textbook on macroeconomics.

    What the Giver Meant: You are the most crooked, creepy, incompetent Treasury Secretary this nation has ever had.

    What the Receiver Thinks: Macro-what now?


    The Gift: An all expense paid vacation to a beach resort.

    What the Giver Meant: I am trying to buy your love.

    What the Receiver Thinks: Maybe once I get there I can ditch you at the beach.


    The Gift: An electric quesadilla maker.

    What the Giver Meant: Quesadillas are delicious.

    What the Receiver Thinks: Oh, something that I will use once and then abandon in my cupboard forever.


    The Gift: Egg nog with high fructose corn syrup.

    What the Giver Meant: I give the gift of diabetes.

    What the Receiver Thinks: Why do you hate me?


    The Gift: Stock in GM.

    What the Giver Meant: It’s bound to come back!

    What the Receiver Thinks: Did this gift come free with a full tank of gas?


    The Gift: An Apple Computer.

    What the Giver Meant: Now you can be as smug as I am!

    What the Receiver Thinks: This person has confused capitalist brand identification with actual liberation.


    The Gift: A Windows-based PC.

    What the Giver Meant: This new operating system is bound to be better than Vista!

    What the Receiver Thinks: Oh, I can use this. My coffee table is a little wobbly because of that short leg.


    The Gift: Guitar Hero - Van Halen.

    What the Giver Meant: You never let go of the eighties.

    What the Receiver Thinks: Sigh – I wish that I still had enough hair to be part of a hair band.


    The Gift: A new car!

    What the Giver Meant: I am trying to buy your love.

    What the Receiver Thinks: I love you.


    The Gift: Wonder Woman comics, books, or dolls.

    What the Giver Meant: Wonder Woman is the alpha and the omega.

    What the Receiver Thinks: Your personal obsessions make me uncomfortable.


    The Gift: Baked goods.

    What the Giver Meant: I learned in childhood to show my love through food.

    What the Receiver Thinks: If this person loves me much more, I won’t be able to fit into any of my clothes by the new year.


    The Gift: A healthcare plan that mandates coverage to 30 million new people.

    What the Giver Meant: I sorta wanted reform, but didn’t want to bother with all that work of dismantling private insurance companies.

    What the Receiver Thinks: Insurance companies will be even richer now!


    The Gift: Liquor

    What the Giver Meant: I think that you are an alcoholic.

    What the Receiver Thinks: Give me, give me, give me.


    The Gift: A Promise to Have a “Special” Christmas Together – on December 26.

    What the Giver Meant: I am really married to somebody else – with kids. If queer, however, it could also mean that I still haven’t told my parents that I am gay.

    What the Receiver Thinks: Man, I have made poor life choices and am in denial about the viability of this relationship.

Have a happy and safe nonsectarian, nondenominational winter holiday!


Roger Owen Green said...

Bon voyage.

I DO have a wobbly table, but it's not that bad, so the Twilight DVD will do fine, thank you.

pacalaga said...

Oh how I love True Blood. And that Challenger. Damn, why isn't anyone trying to buy my love this year?!
Happy Holidays, GayProf, and have some green chile for me...

Mel said...

You should just make your own egg nog, with organic, cage-free eggs and raw milk from a local farm, and demerara sugar and sustainably-harvested nutmeg from a women's cooperative in Guatemala. And rum from Cuba, just to piss off the Republicans.

Anonymous said...

I'll save you a car right now by telling you that my love can EASILY be bought with liquor.

vuboq said...

Mmm. Likker. I have never bothered to analyze the meaning of presents because I'm all like "PRESENTS!!!! YAY! Gimme."

btw, how close is Paradise Island to Pacalaga. B/c you two should totally try to get together for a day of fun! and booze.

FrauTech said...

That was great, and you have excellent taste in cars. Happy Holidays!

Frank said...

Io Saturnalia, Strong Amazon Sister!

dykewife said...

have a wonderful holiday away from the pressures of trying to educate reluctant troglodytes.

Java said...

I love the egg nog, though I wish it didn't do that high fructose corn syrup thing.

Hope your winter break is festive and joyful.

tornwordo said...

You still have the clever quotient. My favorite was the bible one. Hope you have a lovely holiday!

Clio Bluestocking said...

A GayProf post is the gift that keeps on giving! Thank you! Have a Happy Holiday on Paradise Island!

Jaclyn Chancey said...

Horizon organic eggnog has no HFC and is really yummy. (And is much less work than Mel's suggestion!) Only one that I've been able to find in chain groceries in three states (TX, AL, and CT) without it.

Doug said...

Happy NSND Winter Holiday to you, too! Stay warm *hugs*

susurro said...

I see the car has made a come back ... :) some of those were a little heartbreaking at the end but I do hope your gifts were as amusing as this list.

(PS better the gift of diabetes than the soy version which is the gift of "I thought I once loved u but no u don't even merit something drinkable.")

Unknown said...

So funny, I loved every one of the "gifts" and their "meanings"... And I, too, went to a university in a Midwestern Funky Town and am curious if it was the same one you're teaching at. Something for me to ponder!

Blake said...

Is there really such a thing as an electric quesadilla maker!?! What won't a little melted cheese cure? Almost nothing.

Happy Holidays!