Thursday, October 28, 2010

What to Wear, What to Wear: Part VI

Autumn is passing rather quickly for me. Such is the advantage of a research leave. I have taken full advantage of it by traveling, traveling, traveling. The only downside is that my gym schedule has been thrown totally out of whack. Erratic time at the gym brings on the ever present threat of an expanding waistline. I just hope by the end of my leave I'm not going to need a crane and Richard Simmons to get me out of my house.

For the time being, I have temporarily returned to MFT (before leaving again next week for Midwestern Metropolis). With an upcoming party on my social calendar, I must face my age-old question of what costume to wear for Halloween. As you all known, I often aim for great ideas, but end up appearing in a disappointing result:

    What I aim for:
    Robin Hood --

    He stands as a classic symbol for the fight for economic justice by stealing from the rich to give to the poor.

    What I end up with:
    Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner --

    He stands as a classic symbol of incompetence and greed by stealing from the poor to give to multinational corporations. I suppose Obama thinks that he is doing a "heck of a job."

    What I aim for:
    Father Charles Coughlin --

    For some people, the mere sight of any Catholic priest is enough to send them running to hide in the basement. Father Coughlin took it to a whole other level by finding new ways to abuse his access to the media. Coughlin started his famed radio program in Royal Oak, Michigan by appealing to working people during the Great Depression. He soon learned that he could play upon their real concerns and fears to promote his unhinged, conspiratorial racist beliefs. By the end of the decade he would be known for his antisemitic tirades and valorization of Adolf Hitler and Benito Mussolini. Few other costumes could capture "evil" quite so well.

    What I end up with:
    Glenn Beck --

    For some people, the mere sight of any white, conservative, overweight, straight man is enough to send them running to hide in the basement.Beck frightens small children to be sure, but we’ve seen it all before. Beck’s radio and television program exploits the fears of working people during this economic crisis to foster his unhinged conspiracy theories and accusations that President Obama has “a deep-seated hatred for white people or the white culture"(Yes, he actually said that). In the end, though, his buffoonery will result in him slipping into historical obscurity having been shamed and discredited.


    What I aim for:
    Nichelle Nichols --

    Lt. Uhura might not have had much to do on the bridge of the Enterprise back in the 1960s, but Nichols gave the role class and dignity. That was no small task given that her basic function involved mastering the use of an intergalactic hold button. She broke both gender and racial boundaries by portraying a bridge officer with real command credit.

    What I end up with:
    Zoë Saldaña --

    Lt. Uhura might not have had much to do on the bridge of the Enterprise back in 2008, but Saldaña managed to make the role totally retrograde by going along with the idea that Uhura’s chief function should be to either cheer up or make out with Mr. Spock (or making out with Mr. Spock to cheer him up).


    What I aim for:
    Gordon Bethune --

    I’m not one to celebrate CEO’s, trust me. Nonetheless, even the most ardent critic has to give credit to Bethune for dramatically changing the fortunes and service on Continental Airlines during the 1990s. When he assumed control of the airline in 1994, it had already filed for bankruptcy twice and looked to be heading there again. He had an astounding philosophy that customer satisfaction and employee contentment were critical to the success of any business (Basically heresy today).

    What I end up with:
    Jeff Smisek --

    We can credit the demise of Continental Airline’s quality with Smisek's (or, as I think of him, Sleazek's) decision to merge with United Airlines, the airline that most often finishes dead last in every measure of customer satisfaction and employee contentment. Sleazek also brought the philosophy of nickle-and-dimeing his customers to death for everything from food to baggage fees. But, hey, why do you need happy customers when you are part of a greedy new airline monopoly? Of course, special thanks should go to the Obama administration for catering once again to the interests of corporations over the needs of consumers.

    What I aim for:
    Cylon --

    In the re-imagined Battlestar Galactica, the lumbering metal cylons existed as muscular killing machines. Not since the adventures of Odysseus had the lack of depth perception seemed so terrifying. From the ever-satisfying “voom, voom” sound that they made to their rotating swiss-army-knife arms, these were some richly satisfying robots.

    What I end up with:
    Twiki --

    As a youngster, I adored all robots in popular film (B-9 from Lost in Space, R2-D2, V.I.N.Cent., C-3PO (especially C-3PO)). Yet, Twiki almost always got on my nerves. And that’s funny, because his head was shaped exactly like a penis. That usually appeals to me.

    What I aim for:
    Feminist Activist

    Having recently perused the Halloween offerings for women (Drag is always an option...), I am struck by how much this holiday has suddenly demanded that women dress like prostitutes – both literally and figuratively. When manufactures are pushing costumes labeled “Sexy Ghostbuster” or “Army Seductress,” you know we need a feminist intervention.

    What I end up with:
    Sarah Palin

    Alas, I would end up looking like a woman who has reaped all the benefits of feminist activism (such as access to politics, being able to manage both a career and a family, media interest), but who nonetheless supports a party and politics that seeks to undermine women in multiple ways.


    What I aim for:
    Lady GaGa --

    Being somewhat contrarian, I have been slow to jump aboard the GaGa train. Still, I give the woman credit for capturing the nation’s imagination. Not since Elton John has a musical artist said so much with eyewear.

    What I end up with:
    Toni Basil --

    Don’t get me wrong, the song and video for “Hey Mickey” probably shaped my sense of gender and sexuality in ways that only years of therapy will uncover. Still, if you know this reference you are probably too old to be parading around town in any costume.


    What I aim for:
    A wet mop --

    Say what you will, but we all need a mop from time to time. They serve a much needed service to keep our households clean and fresh.

    What I end up with:
    Tea-Party Senate Candidate Joe Miller --

    I might be willing to degrade myself, but turning out looking like Miller would just make me cry. Let’s not forget that this is the man who said the United States should draw a page from East Germany when thinking about its border with Mexico (Yes, he really said that). I can’t help but think that the wet mop would likely be a more informed and thoughtful candidate.

    What I aim for:
    Wonder Woman --

    Could there be a better ideal for me to aspire to attain? She is smart, strong, bold, and brave. Granted, her costume might require a corset and enough spirit gum to build a space shuttle, but isn’t it worth it?

    What I end up with:
    A Hot-Topic Refugee --

    Alas, not only are her clothes dreadfully uninspired, she ended up being poorly written and juggling more continuity problems than the last season of Lost. If that wouldn't make her a disappointing choice for a costume, I also wouldn't be able to get the epic boob job required to reach that 42 DD.


Mel said...

Now I've got an image of GayProf in a cheerleader dress stuck in my head. It's not entirely unappealing, though.

vuboq said...

Oh, GayProf, you're so fine. You're so fine you blow my mind. Hey, GayProf.

I've never heard of that "Mickey" song you mentioned.

I don't usually dress up for Halloween, so what I am for and what I get are the same thing: cranky old queen.

pacalaga said...

A 42DD just requires a whole lotta cheesecake.
This year, as always, I'm wearing brown pants, a brown top, throwing some leaves in my hair and going as a tree.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for the "Black Hole" reference. I sometimes worry that I'm the only person who will ever remember that movie.

But yeah, Twiki was even lamer than that robot dog on the old Battlestar Galactica.

GayProf said...

Mel: In that image, please assume that I have tended to the unwanted hair.

VUBOQ: I can't believe that you don't dress for Halloween. Aren't you the one who used to have pumpkin carving parties?

Pacalaga: Actually, with my erratic gym schedule, I think I am heading to a 42DD. It's not so pretty on me.

JP: I hear rumors that they are going to remake The Black Hole. Once can only wonder why.

And the robot dog on BSG inspired cruelty to robots.

tornwordo said...

Oh great, now I can't get that song out of my head. You're so fine you blow my mind hey Mickey.

susurro said...

this is always my favorite post of the year and the very fact you have twiki (full stop) and Toni Basil on it make it the best one yet! :D

that said, you know I find it ironic that you compared Gaga to Elton John since both played Arizona during the artist boycott in solidarity with immigrants and Latin@s and both made incredibly ignorant comments in defense of their decisions (in fact Gaga's one recognizable act of solidarity - a reference to the show me your papers law I called "sharpie feminism in a post" - was actually put there by a gay Latino fan who she gave 5 whole minutes to, and referenced while forgetting much of his important details, after finally realizing she was pissing off her fan base and had to appear sensitive for 5 seconds). But really all this is to say that I think you should try to be Basil and end up Gaga in a meat suit trying to play victim after getting handed her arse for not caring about immigrant rights.

susurro said...

PS I am going as Uhura in Mirror Mirror this year; trips to the gym indeed!

Earl Cootie said...

(Hair? Unwanted? That's impossible!)

Embracing my rugged side, I thought I'd go as Mike Rowe, but I wound up as Larry the Cable Guy. (Ick!)

Blake said...

So what DID you end up with???

GayProf said...

Blake: As it turns out Susurro and I matched (without planning). I went as Mirror-Mirror Spock. Yes, I'm that type of nerd. Deal.

Antonio said...

I was a little surprised at your criticism of Uhura in the new Star Trek movie. She was very assertive about her qualifications and being placed on the Enterprise. IIRC her abilities as a translator were used at least twice.

Yeah she made out with and comforted Spock, but she was far more than just a prop that came alive when he was on-screen.

susurro said...

ahh man, we should have gone to a party together! where is a transport when you need one?!?

ttv said...

yeah! I love cartoons too..

Emily Shorette said...


Thank you so much for putting "emily's virtual rocket" on your blogspot!



Rebekah said...

Gayprof, you are consistanty witty.

Jealousy is bubbling up within me.

Thanks for sticking with the blog!

Spencer Lord said...

this is excellent! thank u. :)