Sometime last summer I packed my meager possessions and escaped Texas for Massachusetts. I have had some time to reflect on the differences between the two states. One would imagine, being the same nation and all, that there wouldn’t be such disparities. Yet, the attitudes in either are far removed. In the best spirit of compare and contrast (and, hey, we all know that I am nothing if not formulaic at this point), here are the salient issues between the states:
Massachusetts: Has a quasi-functioning, though crumbling, public transportation system. Instead of increasing this service, especially investing in expanding the underdeveloped T lines, the corrupt MBTA decides to hire “customer service specialists” who can be polite about the lack of service.
Texas: Imagines public transportation is a communist plot. Has announced that it will instead construct an 18-lane highway for Houston. Why be stuck in traffic in a meager 10 lane highway when you can be stuck in an 18-lane highway?
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Massachusetts: Has civil laws protecting gays and lesbians’ basic rights, including marriage.
Texas: Has a governor who told gays and lesbians they should leave the state in the summer of 2005. The good people of Texas reelected him in 2006.
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Massachusetts: Has aggressive regulations about owning firearms.
Texas: I think that I was the only one who wasn’t packing. I am still amazed I didn’t get blown away in my classroom.
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Massachusetts: Has a long name which is difficult to spell.
Texas: Has a name so short that even I can spell it.
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Massachusetts: Has some of the highest income taxes in the nation. Most consider paying those taxes an obligation and duty of their citizenship.
Texas: Likes to pretend that because it doesn't have an income tax they have accomplished something. In reality, they have regressive taxes on property and a crushing sales tax that unfairly burdens the poor.
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Massachusetts: Considered one of the most liberal states in the nation, if not the most liberal.
Texas: Pitifully claims that Austin is “liberal” when, in reality, it is simply less conservative than the rest of that ultra-conservative sink hole.
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Texas: Has the very tasty Blue Bell ice cream.
Massachusetts: Has the vastly superior J.P. Licks, Toscanini’s, and Herrell’s. To be honest, though, I would just stop eating ice cream if Texas was the only place in the world where it was produced.
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Massachusetts: Its capital, Boston, ranks as one of the most fit cities in the nation.
Texas: Has three of the ten fattest cities in the nation: Dallas, San Antonio, and Houston (the fattest city in the nation).
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Massachusetts: Is poised to become the first state in the nation to offer universal health care.
Texas: Has the highest percentage of uninsured children in the nation at a shocking 20.3 percent. Now, I am not keen on the idea of there being more Texans in the nation. I think Texas should institute universal birth control. Still, once the little Texan bastards have been born, one would think that the state would recognize the basic human right to health care. Instead, they feel that 1/5 of all the children in Texas are expendable.
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Texas: When I wear this t-shirt to the gym, it is construed as a radical statement in favor of equal rights.
Massachusetts: When I wear this t-shirt to the gym, it is construed as a signal that I want to have anonymous sex in the sauna.
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Texas: Terms like “honey,” “dear,” or “sugar” give a false impression of friendliness that really cover a deeper layer of contempt.
Massachusetts: Statements like “Get out of the road, shithead” are expressions of endearment.
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Massachusetts: Was the first state to have a public school system and to require compulsory education.
Texas: Thinks education makes the majority population uppity.
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Massachusetts: The liberalism of the state often leaves many complacent or unaware of implicit racism that has real economic consequences for the state’s minority populations.
Texas: Is fine with explicit racism. In fact, the entire state’s economy is based on it. I think they might also be making explicit racism the basis of their tourist campaign as well.
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Massachusetts: Is home to Harvard University, the oldest university in the nation.
Texas: In fits of delusion, refers to its universities as the “Harvard on the Brazos” or “Harvard on Lake Travis.” Most likely these delusions results from all the drugs one needs to take while living in Texas.
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Massachusetts: Won the Civil War.
Texas: Lost the Civil War.
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Massachusetts: When GayProf is in residence, he is often looking for new cultural and/or intellectual events to attend.
Texas: When GayProf is in residence, he is often looking for a window to toss himself out of.
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Massachusetts: Harvard University and the University of Massachusetts have shockingly ignored the changing demographics of the nation. Neither has yet to hire a historian who studies Latinos in the nation.
Texas: Is a non-white majority state, yet its flagship universities don't even come close to the state's demographics. The student body at both institutions are shockingly between 85 and 90 percent white.
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Massachusetts: Has a noble motto: “By the sword we seek peace, but peace only under liberty.”
Texas: Has a smug motto: “Don’t Mess with Texas.”
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Massachusetts: Does not accept the death penalty as an ethical punishment for crime.
Texas: Considers execution by electric chair an appropriate pyrotechnic display for the Fourth of July.
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Massachusetts: During the nineteenth century, Massachusetts witnessed the shocking popularity of black-face minstrelsy among the working class.
Texas: In the twenty-first century, Texan university students produce black-face minstrelsy that they post on YouTube.
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Massachusetts: Irish-Americans have an astounding amount of political control.
Texas: Still doesn't think that the Irish are legitimate U.S. Citizens. Yeah, for Texas, it's 1855 all the time.
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Massachusetts: Brought into the U.S. during the revolution and gained the nickname “The Cradle of Liberty.”
Texas: Brought into the U.S. by greedy Euro Americans who had illegally immigrated into Mexico. Earned them the nickname “diablo Texans” by Mexicans.
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Massachusetts: Has the JFK presidential library. He had a remarkable reputation for being eloquent and smart.
Texas: Has Bush, Senior’s Presidential Library. He has a remarkable reputation for siring losers. Texas will also soon have Bush, Jr’s library. One can only imagine that it will have walls that bleed spontaneously and wailing ghosts who haunt it for all eternity.
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Massachusetts: Abolished slavery in 1780.
Texas: Whites illegally immigrated into Mexico and instituted slavery despite being explicitly forbidden by the Mexican federal government.
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Massachusetts: The general population is thankful that they don’t live in Texas.
Texas: The general population is thankful that they don’t live in Massachusetts.
