Sunday, March 11, 2007

Feel the Burn

Boston’s arctic blast has passed. While I always prefer cold weather over a humid hell, that was just too damn cold. Maybe it’s just because the cold reveals my laziness. Having to be so bundled up requires so much effort. It really affects my desire to exit my apartment.

Wearing my winter boots, for example, takes several minutes to lace them up entirely and an equal amount of time to take them off. I can tell you this, if I am going to the trouble of putting those boots on, there is no way that I am having sex. That’s just too much effort to put them on and off again. My winter boots prevent more sex than any chastity belt ever did.

Unless I met a guy with a boot fetish, in which case I wouldn’t need to take them off. Thank goddess that I am gay. Don’t get me wrong, I understand that a hetero could probably find a woman with a such a boot fetish if he put some effort into it. Being gay, though, I could get ten men lined up just by choosing the right bar. Too bad I don’t find some guy rubbing his crotch on my boot all that hot – Well, it’s kinda hot.

More than anything else, though, the arctic cold really tests my motivation to go the gym. Somehow, I still drag my carcass into that sweaty pit. After all, I don’t have enough chest hair to ever qualify as a bear. So, that just leaves staying relatively thin as my most basic option in the queer world. I suppose there’s some health benefits to exercising, but, whatever. We all know that it’s just about the sex.

While at the gym, though, I rarely have a positive attitude. Some people, I imagine, must be totally focused on the gym. They must get into it and need it. I, in contrast, think fairly negative thoughts while there. Here is what typically runs through my mind:

    Man, this sucks.

    I will be skinny.

    This time could be spent doing something more pleasant – like having a lobotomy. At least then I wouldn’t care if I gained an extra ten pounds or not.

    I wonder if this is how Steve Reeves started out.

    Man, this sucks.

    God, I hope those shower stalls are cleaner than last time. I could have sworn the mold was cruising me.

    At least this gym doesn’t have the mold problems of Walter Reed Hospital.

    How is Bush still in office?

    Man, this sucks.

    Isn’t that the guy who spit in the water fountain three months ago? I don’t forget those things – Ever. He’s nasty. Still, he’s kinda cute too.

    I bet I am the only man in this gym who has the Wonder Woman theme song on his work-out playlist.

    I bet I am not the only man in this gym who imagines himself as Lynda Carter while running on the treadmill. I am not sayin’, I am just sayin’.

    Man, this sucks

    That guy sure has a lot of tattoos. I think I will nickname him “Illustrated Man” in my own mind.

    When was the last time I read the Illustrated Man? Middle school?

    Maybe I should get a tattoo.

    Man, this sucks.

    Even though I hate it, I think it looks cool when I do the declined bench press.

    Did I remember to turn off the coffee maker before I left?

    Man, this sucks.

    Hey, there’s that woman with the cool hair. I nicknamed her “cool hair.”

    Maybe I should be more imaginative in my nicknames.

    I wonder if cool hair is a lesbian.

    Man, this sucks

    Ugh, that’s heavy.

    I could make fat sexy again.

    I wonder if the other gym patrons are disturbed that I do a Freddie Mercury pose when Mika’s “Grace Kelly” song plays on my i-pod.

    Man, this sucks.

    Eating that bag of guacamole-flavored chips before coming here was a serious mistake.

    I wish this gym had a liquor license.

    Illustrated Man sure can lift a lot weight. I bet under all that ink, he has a good body.

    Man, this sucks.

    I wonder if I could get a blog entry out of this.

    With all this work, I deserve a treat. When I get home, I am going to eat a whole cheesecake.

    Cheesecake always makes me think of the Golden Girls.

    Man, this sucks.

    Damn – Illustrated Man started using the machine that I was going to use next. I now despise Illustrated Man.

    Maybe I should just get my stomach stapled and skip all of this unpleasantness.

    I wonder if Swingline makes the staples they use in that stomach operation. They seem to have some sort of staple monopoly.

    Man, this sucks.

    I can’t believe that I pay for this pain.

    Fuck the gym.

    Fuck society’s expectations for beauty.

    Man, This sucks.

    Only another five minutes on the treadmill and I will be done.

    If I keep doing the treadmill, I wonder if I will have any ligaments left in my knees by the time I am forty.

    Hey, I am done. Now I don’t have to worry about the gym for another 48 hours. That wasn’t so bad.

    It kinda sucked, though.


Earl Cootie said...

I haven't been to a gym in years. Which, I suppose, is why I will only allow pics of me from the shoulders up. But when I'm walking, I find myself chanting:
Twenty-six blocks to go, twenty-six blocks to go, twenty-six blocks to go, twenty-six blocks to go, twenty-five-and-a-half blocks to go...

I think I'll start adding "This sucks" in there to break it up a little.

Thank you for that.

Anonymous said...

IF you were to receive a gift of winter boots with velcro straps from an anonymous person who believes in the preservation of national treasures, would you reconsider the not having sex thing?

Bruce said...


Being body conscious is not just about sex. I've been fat, and I've been thin, and it doesn't seem to make all that much difference in terms of my ability to attract and excite. I'm body conscious because, as my partner correctly claims, I'm simply vain, and I don't like to have to avert my eyes when I walk into a room with a mirror.

Also, "This sucks" ???? I'm confused. I thought sucking was a good thing.

tornwordo said...

Yes, working out sucks. But waking up in the morning sucks too, it's just a fact of life.

Seeker Onos said...

Work out? Who does all of that now?

And you mean that diet of "Ho-hos" and "Moon Pies" and Mr. Pibb aren't going to land a fellow on the cover of GQ anytime soon...?


Anonymous said...

It's totally just about sex. Or vanity, as Bruce says. Aren't those the same thing? ;-)

Seriously, I have at least as many health reasons as your average fag to be health-conscious (HIV), but haven't been able to sustain a gym habit for more than a month at a time for years. Until now. Why? Because I'll be in New England (a.k.a. the Northern Hemisphere) rather than South Africa (a.k.a. the Southern Hemisphere) for the months of June-August for the first time in four years. The prospect of all that half-nekkidness is all the motivation I need...

Anonymous said...

It's like the line in American Beauty when Kevin Spacey's neighbors ask him if he wants to exercise to get fit, build muscle, or what, and he replies, "I just want to look good naked."

There's other side benefits - maybe the real benefits - of feeling better, etc.

But I'm betting that his quote is how everyone starts in the beginning.

vuboq said...

I wonder if the other gym patrons are disturbed that I do a Freddie Mercury pose when Mika’s “Grace Kelly” song plays on my i-pod.

More than likely they are wondering, "Do you think he's listening to Mika's 'Grace Kelly'?"

pacalaga said...

Dang, that made me tired just READING it.

Doug said...

Motivation suggestion: wear a hat with a stick on it that dangles an M&M in front of you.

And "eeeww" on the guacamole chips before a workout. That's some nasty burpage.

Elizabeth McClung said...

Wow, thanks for that revealing insight into gay culture - I wish someone would do one for lesbians - becuase the theme for gay non-bear guys is the more you want sex the more you have to do (like work out, pick out clothes, and stuff) - while in lesbian world, the LESS you do, the more credit you get - don't shave, get baggy men's clothes, get a buzz cut so you don't have to style your hair but once a month - only thing I can't figure is when do all those dykes get all those muscles so they can do oil changes and fix plumbing and stuff? Is there some lesbian gym culture I am missing?

Also Gayprof, as a femme, I have to tell you, you have a long way to go to be a slave to fashion - you don't even mention how sexy the boots are themselves or how you are leaving your jacket open to show off your pecs - I mean, what's the point of wearing a scoop neck and then bundling up - yes, you might be freezing to death, but you get really perky nipples - now THAT is slave to fashion.

Sfrajett said...

But there is a certain satisfaction in not having to go back for 48 hours, right? And that's what it's all for. Gay people are so perverse.

r said...

Now me? I have a gym membership, I just don't actually go to the gym.

I like the idea of it, I just don't really want to do it.

But I could.

You know.

Go to the gym.

If I wanted to.

Anonymous said...

GP, you forgot one of the obvious joys of the gym--seeing other men naked. Also, if you're in the top 50 percent, you can affirm your "above average" status. Bonus!

Anonymous said...

Elizabeth - Jackie Warner (on Bravo's "Work Out") seems to indicate otherwise. :P

I belong to a women's-only gym, which also seems to indicate otherwise.

Still, I'd rather watch Jackie lift weights than actually go do it myself...

GP: I have the Buffy theme song on my playlist. Not quite as awesome as Wonder Woman, but still.

GayProf said...

Earl: Walking sucks.

Cooper: Velcro, eh? Would anybody be willing to have sex with me wearing boots like that?

Bruce: In certain circumstances, sucking can be bad -- I am not sayin', I am just sayin'.

Torn: Is this your way of proposing a mass suicide to end the suffering? If so, I am listening...

Seeker: It all depends on what you wear.

Jefe: Yeah, I always thought vanity and sex were directly connected.

Atari: Well, I didn't feel unhealthy before I started going to the gym. So, it has to be about being naked.

VUBOQ: You are presuming that my fellow gym-mates are that hip.

Pacalaga: I was exhausted just writing it.

Doug: The guacamole chips were a big mistake. Big mistake.

Elizabeth: You are right. I should mention the boots are totally hot.

SfraJett: Yeah, but at the 24 hour mark, I start dreading it again.

Rebekah: Part of my motivation is knowing that I already paid for it, so I don't want to waste that money.

Marlan: Yeah, I appreciate the eye candy at the gym. Still, I could just watch porn instead.

Sarah: Was the Buffy theme that high energy?

Anonymous said...

i make fat sexy. ;)

Sideon said...

Thank you thank you, this is wonderful. I haven't laughed out loud all day, and this post was INSANELY funny.

I have a new quest to get the Wonder Woman theme song on my mp3 player for the gym.

Be well.