Blogs are aflutter with news that Karl Rove will resign effective August 31. Rove has been credited as the political puppet master behind the Bush administration. I, though, tend to think of him as a talking political toilet.At some point in his young life, Rove came to the realization that he was just too damn nasty looking to ever try to run for public office himself. As a result, he decided to be the creepy guy behind the scenes.
We all might remember some of Rove’s handiwork: using homophobia to mobilize poor whites to vote against their own interests in 2000 and 2004; being a major stock holder in Enron; accusing “Liberals” of wanting to offer “therapy” to the attackers in 9/11; accusing Ann Richards of only hiring lesbians (What’s wrong with that???); and, of course, reducing every issue from any intellectual debate down to a cult of personality around Bushie. After all of that, Rove will soon be moving back to Texas. Thank the goddess that I am no longer there.
Rove told reporters that he is leaving the White House to “spend more time” with his family. We all know, though, that answer is just political jargon. The real reason for Rove’s departure is probably one of the following:
*Has secretly joined a traveling freak show circus under the stage name, “Repulsey, the Ugliest Human to Ever Walk the Planet.”
*Needed to meet with administration officials at Southern Methodist University to ensure that the new George Bush Library would only stock the finest of Crayola© crayons.
*Realized that a lot of his hateful behavior resulted from feelings of inadequacy about never obtaining a college degree.
*He became overly distraught when that Skywalker punk killed his favorite pet Rancor monster.
*Rove wanted to be the first Bush administration official to flee the country and take up residence in Paraguay to avoid prosecution. After all, he didn't want all the best lands to be taken.
*Needed to clear his schedule to make more time for his afternoon spanking by Condi Rice.
*Thought that it would be useful to tour the country and find out just how much gay people really hate him.
*Plans to take $750,000 and hide in a hole in the cellar of a farmhouse to avoid capture by U.S. authorities.
*He was just a step away from the EPA declaring his office and personal space toxic and potentially carcinogenic zones.
*He had tickets for the opening night of Springtime for Hitler.
*Needed to get out of Washington, DC before Dick Cheney shot him in the face.
*Plans to devote more time stealing candy from babies.
*Realized that raping the nation just wasn’t as much fun the twentieth time around.
*Couldn’t face Clarence Thomas to explain why he had lost Thomas’s DVD of Long Dong Silver’s Electric Blue 3.
*Was recently recalled by Mattel because it turns out that he was made with defective parts in a China sweatshop.
*Was visited in the middle of the night by three ghosts: The ghost of CIA-Leak past, the ghost of Iraq present, and the ghost of prison future.
*Heard a rumor that Washington, D.C. was going to be out of lard and couldn’t imagine eating anything not slathered in it.
*Needed more time for his hobby of collecting Nazi memorabilia.
*It turned out that he was really just as dumb as George W. Bush after all.
*Had already arranged with the devil to turn the U.S. South into hell, which explains the current temperatures in that part of the nation.
*He discovered that Bridget McCain, John McCain’s adopted daughter from Bangladesh, is now strong enough to kick his ass.
*After so many hours in daylight, he needed to return to his secret lair where he can feed for the next hundred years.
*Mary Cheney filled a paternity suit against him and claims that he fathered her baby.
*Figures he is a shoo-in for the role of supervillian Chang Tzu in the upcoming Wonder Woman movie.
*Saw his reflection in the mirror and realized that not even he could stomach looking at himself.
– Or –
*Realized he had no reflection at all.
*His family held an intervention in which they told him that the world would be a much better place if he locked himself in a 8' by 8' room and never spoke or talked to anybody ever again.
*Didn’t want people to know that the magical spell that made him appear [almost] human would wear off at midnight September 1, thus changing him back into a Visayan warty pig.
*Heard that Texas wasn’t executing nearly enough people and decided that he would take charge himself.
*Wanted to come up with new ways that he could make his son (now a student at Trinity University in San Antonio, Texas) feel ashamed of his paternity.
*He needs to skip town before Congress finally grows a set and forces him to testify about his many misdeeds.
