Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Diana Explains it All

Feeling life’s disappointments always leads me to think about Wonder Woman for comfort. A friend of mine recently suggested that our favorite book(s) as a child shows a great deal about how we approach life as an adult. If this is true, here are the things I learned as a wee-gay-lad from Diana:

    Being a princess doesn’t preclude you from kicking ass.

    Using your golden lariat in bondage and S&M situations actually serves a greater good for society.

    When your Amazon sisters need help, they will contact you on the psychic radio.

    Men, like Dr. Psycho, who irrationally hate women really suffer from self-esteem issues and insecurities about their height.

    Women, like Cheetah, who hate other women suffer from multiple personality disorder.

    Nobody cares if you wear a ridiculous red, white and blue Playboy Bunny costume, as long as you can kick ass.

    The ancient gods don’t seem to care if you refer to them by either their Greek or Roman names.

    Feminism benefits both men and women.

    You can still, run, jump and kick ass wearing six-inch high heels. Actually, this is a lesson I would learn again watching drag queens in college.

    Sometimes it is useful to bind yourself with your own golden lariat to force you to be honest with yourself.

    We can’t always control who captures our heart. After all, would you actively choose to fall in love with drippy Steve Trevor?

    Being in love with Steve Trevor does not mean that you won't kick his ass if he suddenly goes insane.

    You can heal the most grave injuries if you let them bathe in the soft glow of a purple light bulb.

    If you can type over 150 words per minute, you will be able to attain a job at any time with no questions asked.

    If you choose your fashion accessories carefully, you will be able to stop bullets and save lives with them.

    Fighting Nazis and supervillians is not an excuse for ignoring your appearance.

    Promoting a philosophy of love, equality, and reason is a noble pursuit.

    When people refuse to listen to your philosophy of love, equality, and reason, you may need to kick their ass.

    Nobody, no matter how evil, is ever beyond redemption. They just need to spend some extended time on Reformation Island having their ass kicked by your Amazon sisters.

    Regardless of the cost of gas, nothing can replace the convenience of owning an invisible jet.

    Sometimes you need help from the Flash.

    Most times, Batman will just get in your way.

    Day or night, you don’t really need a special reason to wear a golden tiara. This is especially true if that tiara doubles as a boomerang.

    Capes, however, are reserved strictly for special occasions.

    If your lover is killed and later brought back to life by the gods, your relationship will never be quite the same again.

    Taking Xanax makes life much more bearable. – Wait, that may not have been Wonder Woman who taught me that. Rather, I think it was Helen Damnation. Eh – Same diff.

    No matter if you are the second-most-powerful superhero on the planet, you are going to be asked to make coffee and take minutes in a meeting if you are a woman.

    If you are the most skilled Amazon, you will be granted the title of Wonder Woman.

    If, however, another Amazon comes along who is slightly better than you and takes the title Wonder Woman, have patience. The little bitch will eventually die.

    Regardless of your sexuality, spending all of your time with only one gender gets boring after the first 1,500 years.

    Being turned into a goddess and living on Mount Olympus is not as rewarding as fighting for justice and kicking ass on earth.


Anonymous said...

Other possible lessons include:

* It's important to have the appropriate costume or attire for every occasion, and you need to be able to change in a flash.

* It's good to experiment with vegetarianism.

* You are who you are, regardless of whether you're making tacos, flying into space, talking to the UN, saving lives, or getting a cup of coffee for your teammates (and if you're really lucky, the thing that you are is one fabulous amazon princess).

Kalv1n said...

The only good thing about making the coffee is that I guess you can always piss in it. Great post!

Anonymous said...

Does anyone else think that the train WW is wrestling on the comic cover is looking a wee bit phallic (and evil)?

Perhaps there's another lesson in there somewhere?

Anonymous said...

A friend of mine recently suggested that our favorite book(s) as a child shows a great deal about how we approach life as an adult.

Hm, and my favorite book as a child was Alice in Wonderland. I guess that explains the detachment.

Frank said...

That picture of her in the golden lariat verges on the pornographic. She looks totally nude. I bet a lot of straight comic book fans jacked off to that particular frame!

Anonymous said...

My favourites were 'The Ordinary Princess' (Although instead of winning the Prince, I wanted her to fight the dragon and go have more adventures) and Macbeth. Yeah, I was a wierd kid.

Anonymous said...

I like miniskirt Wonder Woman better than shorts Wonder Woman.

What's wrong with Batman? I think he's hot. I think I'd like to have comicbooksex with Batman. Batsex.

The Flash is too fast. You'd just be getting started and he's already done and out the door.

Conor Karrel said...

"Being in love with Steve Trevor does not mean that you won't kick his ass if he suddenly goes insane."

That goes for anyone right? Not just Steve Trevor?

My favorite books were things like "A Wind in the Door" and a "Max Headroom" joke book. I was a little older when I started reading Piers Anthony's "Incarnations of Immortality" series... hmmm... this explains a lot I think!

Helen the Felon said...

I think that's the nicest thing anyone's ever indirectly said to me. Thanks darlin'! You are so totally my gay superhero boyfriend 4-ever. (But of course, if you go crazy or something, I'll be forced to kick your ass. I'm just sayin'.)

Elizabeth McClung said...

"Fighting Nazis and supervillians is not an excuse for ignoring your appearance."

I don't know how to respond to this as it actually reminds me of my brother, who, when on a 1 year stint to teach english and business skills in a third world country, had 30 sweaters and about 15 loafers sent ahead, to ensure that his students wouldn't seem him in "the same old clothes" - of course, while I rode a bike to school he walked, as the helmet would have totally messed up his hair.

As for me: Leather Jacket - check
Black T-shirt - check
really dangly earings to screw with butch's minds - check

Okay, ready to fight nazi's now.

GayProf said...

Elizabeth: Don't forget lesson #6 on this list.

It's not what you wear, but how you wear it -- and if you can kick ass.

Unknown said...

I needed something to make me smile today..thanks :)

dirk.mancuso said...

"Using your golden lariat in bondage and S&M situations actually serves a greater good for society."

At last! Someone who understands.

Anonymous said...

Hmmm... my favorites (read to me) were Watership Down, the Once and Future King, and the Narnia books.

All sorts of life lessons there, but not very funny ones.

Oh, hey! Where's the one about not making a big stink if one year it's 1943 and the next year it's 1978?

Anonymous said...

Ahhh, ye've found a place in me heart already because of WW. She be goin' after 'Screw Bronze', I know it...