Thursday, August 31, 2006

Work It Out

My search for a gym within reasonable distance of my abode has landed me with a trial membership at a fairly commercial organization. It’s not great. It’s not horrible. I am reserving judgement.

As mentioned previously, my goals for the gym are modest. Basically, I am just looking to avoid ballooning up to the size of a post-blueberry-pie Violet Beauregarde. Maybe I would get into better shape if it didn’t involve giving up liquor and M&M’s.

The other day in the locker room, two men debated the relative values and drawbacks of different brands of mass building powder. “Really?” I thought, “You would rather chug one of those nasty, chalky, milkshakes with medium chain triglycerides than, say, a well made vodka Gimlet? Both have the same calories, but my Gimlet helps me forget all about the gym.” As for protein, I always point out that the peanuts in the M&M Pounder bag has lots of it. Chocolate also contains important anti-oxidants. Shoot- M&Ms should make the list of SuperFoods. Combine those things with the chemicals in TaB and I should live forever – or be dead at age 41 – whatever.

I suffer at the gym so that I can eat and drink the things that I like. Suffering eating and drinking nasty concoctions so that I can go to the gym makes no sense to me.

So, clearly I don’t take gyms all that serious. Just staying marginally fuckable is my main goal.

Regardless, no matter the gym, I have noticed some minor, but annoying, things that seem universal. Being a helpful lad, I want to offer some suggestions to my fellow gym patrons. We all have to live together, so let’s aspire to make it pleasant, shall we?

    *** Take a shower before you arrive at the gym. Yes, I understand that two showers in one day can be a hassle. See, though, if odor emanates from you before you even break a sweat, just imagine what you are going to be like half-way through your workout. Don’t take a holiday from hygiene.

    *** Speaking of showering (which I just can’t encourage enough), if you lose a band-aide while in a gym shower-stall, please remove it upon exiting. I am not inclined to step into the shower room and see your nasty, germ-riddled, puss-soaked adhesive swimming around near the drain. That’s just nasty, people.

    *** While we are hanging in the locker room, nobody likes somebody riddled with paranoia. If you are keeping your towel around your waist while you put on your underwear, you just show both your homophobia and poor self-image. Junior High is over. Plus, you are making it really hard for me to ogle and/or silently judge you.

    *** Sometimes when lifting heavy weights, one has an involuntary grunt. I understand. That’s cool. If, however, you sound like you are recording the audio dub for the Falcon video Bootstrap, tone it down a bit. Nobody wants to hear that much noise from your mouth – unless you are willing to reenact scenes from that Falcon video. Then we can talk.

    *** Look around the gym a bit. What do you see? Signs above you that say “Don’t Use the Treadmills to Stretch.” What’s in front of you on the treadmill? Oh, look, it’s a smaller sign that says, “Don’t Use the Treadmills to Stretch.” Hmm – What could be the hidden message? Oh, right: If you are not actually using the treadmill, get the fuck off and let somebody else onto it. Those nifty stretching mats will, I promise, accomplish your goals (This was a much bigger issue in my former Texas gym, but still...)

    *** Are you currently bench-pressing 300 pounds? No? Then you don’t need to use chalk. It gets everywhere. Plus, nobody wants to see your sweaty little hand prints preserved all over the equipment. Keep the chalk where it belongs: classrooms and crime scenes. Or I guess that you could crush it up into milk and call it a Mass Builder Shake.

    *** I like meeting new people. Really – I do. Feel free to chat me up at the gym – Unless you want to offer me advice about my workout. If that’s all you want to talk about, just walk away.

    *** When it comes to cleaning, I can be a bit obsessive. Yet, even I don’t wipe down all the machines/benches every single time I use them. If, however, you get up and find that you left behind a greasy body-print, take the time to clean it up. We aren’t interested in you trying to create your own Shroud of Turin on the weight bench.

    *** If you weigh 250 pounds and struggle to walk two miles per hour on the treadmill, I applaud you for getting out and trying to change your life. That’s great! Keep on keeping on! Soon that weight will fall right off. If, however, you weigh 110 pounds and walk two miles per hour on the treadmill because you are chatting on your cell phone, get out of the gym. You could burn more energy just walking around the parking lot. In the gym, you are just in the way. Yes, access to treadmills is clearly a major issue with me

    *** If you are a young, muscular guy, why do you feel the need to wear a shirt in the gym? Take it off – Take it all off. Don’t be so confined. Loosen up a bit. Can I fix you a Gimlet?


vuboq said...

I love Gimlets. Wasn't that the drink of choice for the Queen Mum (rest her soul)?

And, I hate the gym. Bleah. Which probably explains my stunning physique.

Happy Thursday!

Anonymous said...

Ha! That just sums it all up, seriously!

Although I have to admit, in no gym I've been to have I seen someone using a treadmill as a stretching device. Do they get strapped to it at one end and have the belt pull them inexporably forward - sort of like a medieval rack?

just curious.

Oh, yeah, and you really wanna work on your form there - I know you didn't ask but I can't help myself cause I'm so full of adrenaline.

Although - maybe, just maybe, those too-helpful guys are hitting on you?

Anonymous said...

Congratulations! You have just won a coveted blog genius award for using both of the following phrases in one post: "marginally fuckable" and "puss-soaked adhesive."

I always knew good things would come from you. Well, you know what I mean.

Anonymous said...

Hilarious post!!! I was busting out laughing in my cubicle!

I can't stand treadmill hogs either.

"Marginally fuckable" ... priceless! I'm going to be stealing that phrase from you!

Da Nator said...

Amen. Please add:

*** Stop dropping the fucking weights. Seriously, it does not make you manly. It means you are too weak to return them properly to their resting position. It also means you are inconsiderate, as it is loud and damages both the equipment and the floor. Seriously, the weight machines and freeweights in my gym have had to be replaced and/or moved around twice already in the last year to make up for damage and holes in the floor due to lunkheads like you. Even the gym staff who are serious weightlifters doesn't appreciate it.

*** If you are away from a machine for more than five minutes, you lose "dibs". I don't care if you claim you were doing supersets or just had to chat with the cute deskclerk, unless you are actually using the machine within a reasonable amount of time, someone else gets to use it. Nobody wants to wait on line while you flex in the mirror, or whatever.

*** Women, just because you can let your boobies hang out in the locker room, doesn't mean you have to for hours. Lesbians and hippies, this means you.

*** Ladies, if you are wearing full makeup and hair to the gym and it's intact at the end, you are not working out hard enough. Take the paint off and work out or put it on and go to a bar to pick guys up. For real.

Okay, I think I'm done, now. Whew - thanks, GayProf, I feel better!

Sfrajett said...

Shroud of Turin! Oh My God! Fix me a Gimlet, Hilda. I love you to death. You have cptured the gay sensibility of the gym--or in any case, what OUGHT to be the gay sensibility-- and cheered me up immeasurably in the process.

GayProf said...

VUBOQ: Yep, vodka Gimlets are the drink of choice for GayProf and octogenarians everywhere.

Atari-Age: maybe, just maybe, those too-helpful guys are hitting on you?

It’s possible. I am almost always clueless about these matters in either direction. I can be totally oblivious to guys grooving on me. People need to avoid subtlety to break through my denseness. That’s not modesty. I really can be in my own world most of the time.

Likewise, men that I have thought were totally into me turned out to be straight as a two-by-four with a couple of kids to boot.

Whatever the case, these helpful gym cats often look more like they could offer advice about opening the fridge door than bicep curls.

JPDC: Thanks for the awards. Really, though, just send liquor.

J: Steal away. I am sure that I probably stole the phrase from somebody else anyway.

DaNator: See, I always assumed that the makeup deal was because they had just come from work (where they wore it). I agree, though, that it should all be gone by the time they exit otherwise they just wasted their time.

The thing that I really don't understand about some women is why they also wear full jewleryto the gym. Doesn't it just get coated in funk?

SfraJet: Aaah – I love you too. Gimlets for all.

Dorian said...

Likewise, men that I have thought were totally into me turned out to be straight as a two-by-four with a couple of kids to boot.

That doesn't neccessarily mean they weren't into you...

Now I feel guilty for not going to the gym like I promised Pete.

Kalv1n said...

I have never even heard of gimlets. What in the world is that? I do have to take issue with some of your points. I hate showering before I go to the gym. And some of us like the smell of a man. :) And I have never, ever seen anyone use a treadmill as a stretching device. And I feel like your reasons for going to the gym are great. And there needs to be more chocolate with peanuts in this world.

dykewife said...

i must have led a deprived life to date. i've never had a gimlet. however, if it has gin in it, then it can stay in the bottle.

exercise is one of the longest and most hideous of the 4-letter words of the english language, or any language for that matter. unless something falls on my head and i get a new personality i shall always feel this way and be fat for the remainder of my years. but that may change with bran going to university...i might join him for yoga.

i love reading your blogs when you go on a non-political tirade. political ones are ok too, but the non-political ones make me smile. thank you.

Oso Raro said...

Gyms? I thought those went out with Plato. Please, girl, marginally fuckable? Doll, you forget we've SEEN your picture! A little more than marginal would be my guess. Marginal is the sweet but absolutely trollish bodega clerk on the late night shift, with a huge witchy wart (I kid you not) but a nice demeanour. Not really my cup of tea. But still. It could be worse! Love what you have girl. Everybody say LOVE!

Besides, there's someone for everyone, believe me. Let it all go girl! Explode like a water balloon, and love will be there (from someone, who I don't know)! At least that's what I've read. In any event, I prefer a little panza on my men instead of that buffed-out pod person look so popular with MEAN fags! So stay soft, and NICE!

Anonymous said...

Ahh Gay Prof, is there nothing you will turn your wit to? I would like to add my 3.5c worth. As a regular gym attendee for some time, there is one thing I'd like to add and that's bench/equipment ettiquette. If you are resting/breathing/not actually exercising, then whatever you are using is free, let someone else use it when asked! At the same time, if you want to use equipment that someone else is hogging - goddamn ask! I'm not going to share up the piece of equipment I queued for if all you do is hang around looking annoyed/scared. I'm really a pleasant person but some things just get me right in the goat...

tornwordo said...

That band aid thing, yuck. I work out at home so I have none of the drawbacks, nor the benefits of the public gym. As for treadmills, what's the point? Walk briskly outside in the park. Far more satisfying, that.

Anonymous said...

I don't know anything about a 'vodka' gimlet as gimlets have gin.

Laura Elizabeth said...

Now I know why I never go into a gym.

It's not because I'm lazy.


It's fucking annoying!

All those rules, gross people... please.

I'll stick to walking.


Doug said...

I have been working out at home for a while, but I'm about to join a brand-spanking-new gym. I was looking forward to it, but maybe I'll rethink it a little.

I wonder if their juice-bar will offer gimlets.

GayProf said...

Dorian: That doesn't necessarily mean they weren't into you...

But were they really into me or my alter-ego, Wonder Woman. Oh, wait, that's not me either. Damn!

Kalvin: You like the scent of rotting men?

DykeWife: Political or otherwise, you can always depend on me for tirades.

Oso: Thanks, Sweetie. I think... Somewhere in there I got confused about being a fat troll...

Chukki: Yeah, the machine-in-use thing is annoying. I also hate people who use two machines alternating. Choose one, especially if the gym is busy.

Doug: These are small matters. Most times the gym is fine -- plus you get to see much male beauty.

Jason and Laura: Yes, the tradition Gimlet has gin. The vodka option has been around quite a long time, though. Don’t be slaves to conformity. Since I am allergic to juniper, most gins are not so good for me.

Besides, gin is for babies. It keeps them quiet.

brett said...

gimlets = +
time at gym = +
sense of humor about gym = +

bringing the score to:

gay prof: 90 gabillionty
brett: 7

r said...

Okay, I've belonged to a gym, and paid monthly dues for about 5 years.

I think the last time I went was September, 2003.

Most memorable line from someone trying to "help" me?

"So, I'd guess you want to work on your hips and thighs, right?"

(I believe it was said in September, 2003)

Elizabeth McClung said...

I really enjoyed your disconstruction of your fellow gym users - however, you also convinced me to never go to a mixed gym.

Anonymous said...

I'm drinking a gimlet now!

chin chin Gayprof

Anonymous said...

Dear Gay Prof,

You must impregnate me NOW. I want my children to have your smarm, pith, intelligence, good manners, and astounding looks with my desire to save the world, intelligence, and good looks.

We'd have beautiful children who could at the very least continue this blog for you.


GayProf said...

Anon: Is smarm good?

Anonymous said...

Smarm is OK if you use it with your brilliance to get a point across.

Anonymous said...

to da nator's rant, I'd like to add:

--please for the love of god, stop doing barbell curls in the squat rack. in a gym with three fucking power racks/squat cages/squat racks, that means I have to wait while you finish your arm workout. do it in the curl jockey area where you can look good while you pump and leave the sweat to us.

--please rerack your weights when you're finished using them. mommy told me to put things away when I'm done; the same etiquette applies to the gym too.

--don't be so possessive with a piece of equipment. if someone asks you if they can work in, smile and say yes. its what, five minutes out of the day. five minutes. honestly, these people.

--don't forget to work your legs. (that's a WHOLE other can of worms for me, so I won't go there.) 'nuff said.

and now I have to go eat lunch.

ps. I'll bet you're more than just marginally fuckable. ;)